What’s fair? Maternity leave and contribution towards joint bills.

[Otro77]

I know this has been asked before but wanting to ask specifically about my situation as told partner I would be posting for opinions…

Bit of background: Not married. Joint mortgage. Baby planned and finances discussed prior to Mat leave.

Partner earns slightly but not significantly
more than me and also gets some additional benefits such as bonus. He has double my savings.

I’m on NHS Mat pay so 8 weeks full pay, 16 weeks half, a few months on very little and the last 3 months zero pay. My savings will be wiped out by mat leave. I will probably also accrue a bit of debt considering the cost of living is increasing.

I do all the night wakings (which is currently a lot!) and provide the majority of care. He’s great with baby but thinks as he goes to work he shouldn’t do any night wakings…

Bills:

We always contributed 50:50 up until 5 months ago when partner started putting an extra £50 in to the joint account to create a bit of a cushion. I have been putting every spare penny (much more than £50 pm) in to a separate savings account since I got pregnant to use during mat leave to cover my bills.

Partner originally said he’d put £100 more than me towards joint bills for the first 9 months and when I got to zero pay would put in 3/4 joint bills (this would be for 3 months max). However with bill increases our monthly joint bills have increased past the extra he was going to put in so after a discussion he has offered to put in £850 per month (£100 more again) for 9 months whilst I put in £650. I should add he charges his car at home so £60 of his extra £200 goes towards that meaning in total he’s contributing £140 more.

I have asked for 50% of everything baby needs which he eventually gives however he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to
contribute to things like this.

He thinks this is fair, is it?

This seems perfectly fair - assuming it isn’t his baby that you’ve just given birth to. Oh? It is his baby? Then he needs to step up and take care of his child and its mother. Please be careful with a man like this.

We share everything, always have and always will.

OP this is not how families work. This man doesn't love you and you shouldn't have to live like this.

If earnings are different due to partners taking different roles at work and in the home, then everything in a joint account with equal spending and savings taken out for both is the only fair solution. Child rearing is work, essential work for couples who want to have children, and it's not fair for women to carry the economic burden. It's not just wages while on Mat leave that are affected - future earning capacity, career progression, NI contributions, pension all take a huge hit. Anyone planning to have a child should aim get a fair financial solution settled before conceiving so mother's aren't financially penalised.

*Mothers! Autocorrect. 🤦🏽‍♀️

he knows and accepts he’ll be paying proportionally for child care
But even this idea of his fair, proportional share is still weird. All our income goes into joint account and joint savings. Childcare comes out of that as does the mortgage, bills, everything else. So I have no idea what proportion of the childcare either of us pay, it's a joint expense from our joint income and wouldn't ever consider it otherwise.

Financially compensated? How about Financially secure? Never heard such rubbish.

Op what an absolutely exhausting set up!

Every single thing pinned down from his side! He will pay x but only by x and from x!!

Wow!!

Are you able to find out the cost of. Norland live in nanny, and then spilt that bill between you both?
His time Costs money but so does you'rs!!

I would have felt incredibly vulnerable having a baby in such a situation.

Fwiw when we had dd it was a happy amazing surprise! But pulled the rug our from us.

I fell down a crack in the system and didn't get any maternity pay.

DH soldiered on in a tough job/ credit crunch...as we survived on one small pay packet.
We had also just purchased a house! So I made it my job to scour /source all /most of our furniture for free, brought yellow sticker's food.... toys etc from Freecycle...

Not once did dh my then partner mention a word about financial contribution! .
Not once and even after DD started school, not once did he mention Money!

We just muddled through and had a very strict budget....every penny accounted for.

Now I'm working thing's are much easier and my wage covers a lot of expenses.

I would,on a first marriage/partnership feel extremely uncomfortable with someone being so tight.

Being careful from joint funds is one thing but worrying about you pull financial weight at this moment is hideous?
Work out hourly wage of a Norland nanny and deduct each hour he spends with baby.

We have a joint account.

Yes as pp said all our money mostly goes into joint account, it's never been divided up into specific contributions!

Otherwise how do people live!

Shall we also charge RHS standard gardening rate's for doing our own gardens? Or decor rates??

Maddness.

Op is he on the autistic spectrum?

It's just reading back ,his interest in the mintutai of financials and working out his bath time's? ( Most new babies don't need a bath every day)

Data driven etc and clinging onto such details...

Most parents just dive in without having to meticulously plan every move.

Also when you work out bills, include Christmas. Babies bday.
Savings for baby?

Also a baby/needs fund. Contribute every month to those funds to build up money.
It's so handy when they need clothes or an item and there is a little pot to draw from.

He’s taking the piss and in the realms of financial abuse. The way l see it then he either properly proportionally pays or you issue invoices for the care you’re giving your child. I wonder if he knows how expensive night nurses and childcare is?! He cant have it both ways… But appears to want to have it both ways

So basically you think men should be paid to have a baby with their partner. That’s what’s happening - a woman not earning money is going through her savings so he can have a baby for free as well as sleep all night and live his usual work life. Now that’s being compensated!!

@shrugitoffonemoretime it's absolutely not about being financially compensated, it's about not being financially penalised. There's a difference.

I think it's fair to pay proportionately into joint account and keep the rest for yourself. Then you can save and spend what you want, without someone looking at the joint account and asking why you spent x on that. I am not into the MN mantra of joint money and joint accounts - you don't stop being your own person because you are married (or not married in this case).

So if he is earning 80% of your income while you are on mat leave, he pays in 80% of what is needed for joint expenses and you pay in 20%. Joint expenses includes anything to do with baby so baby massage classes or similar.

If you need to dip into savings it is probably fairest to dip in equally. Even better -build up some joint savings for joint expenses/projects/holidays.

Dont take any unpaid maternity leave. Go back to work and childcare costs come out of joint income

Men benefit enormously from having children. Fathers are more likely to be promoted in the workplace. Having babies isn’t some silly little expensive hobby women insist on, which some MNers like to insist on

Op? Any of this useful?

The proportionate income strategy doesn't work for mat leave. Say SMP is £600 a month, roughly, and the OH takes home approx £3400. Bills are £3k. OP puts in 15%, this is £450. She has £150 left. OH puts in 85%, this is £2550. He has £850 left. How is this fair?

I know you have loads of answers already...

We worked on the basis of the same amount of personal spending money, everything else in a joint account. For me it feels fairer to have the same luxuries. That meant initially we put in similar amounts of money to the joint account but over time I put in less. I only took 9 months mat leave and that was a joint financial decision.

Baby classes for the baby come out of joint spends. However if I met a friend for coffee at soft play or something I would have paid for that myself. I also would sometimes by cute but non essential things, clothes, toys etc out of my money.

Those portable breast pumps are quite expensive. Any purchase for baby over about £100 we would have discussed and agreed. I wouldn't have significantly sacrificed my well being due to expense but I didn't buy them and instead borrowed a non portable one and that probably meant I had to sit around more while DH washed up etc.

Yes all really helpful! I’ve been trying to write a response all day but baby is very hot and feeding constantly and we’ve had a couple of appointments. I’ll update/reply fully probably during a night feed 😅

Thanks everyone!

I think once you have a baby then everything goes into and comes out of a joint account.

Why should your savings be decimated and your partner keep holding onto his? This does not bode well op. My H is incredibly lazy but we've always completely shared money including savings.