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What’s fair? Maternity leave and contribution towards joint bills.

120 replies

Otro77 · 11/07/2022 20:12

I know this has been asked before but wanting to ask specifically about my situation as told partner I would be posting for opinions…

Bit of background: Not married. Joint mortgage. Baby planned and finances discussed prior to Mat leave.

Partner earns slightly but not significantly
more than me and also gets some additional benefits such as bonus. He has double my savings.

I’m on NHS Mat pay so 8 weeks full pay, 16 weeks half, a few months on very little and the last 3 months zero pay. My savings will be wiped out by mat leave. I will probably also accrue a bit of debt considering the cost of living is increasing.

I do all the night wakings (which is currently a lot!) and provide the majority of care. He’s great with baby but thinks as he goes to work he shouldn’t do any night wakings…

Bills:

We always contributed 50:50 up until 5 months ago when partner started putting an extra £50 in to the joint account to create a bit of a cushion. I have been putting every spare penny (much more than £50 pm) in to a separate savings account since I got pregnant to use during mat leave to cover my bills.

Partner originally said he’d put £100 more than me towards joint bills for the first 9 months and when I got to zero pay would put in 3/4 joint bills (this would be for 3 months max). However with bill increases our monthly joint bills have increased past the extra he was going to put in so after a discussion he has offered to put in £850 per month (£100 more again) for 9 months whilst I put in £650. I should add he charges his car at home so £60 of his extra £200 goes towards that meaning in total he’s contributing £140 more.

I have asked for 50% of everything baby needs which he eventually gives however he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to
contribute to things like this.

He thinks this is fair, is it?

OP posts:
Itstime1 · 11/07/2022 22:08

Ah I hate threads like this. Sorry you’re in this situation OP!

I can never get my head around this 50/50 spilt and panic when on Mat leave. I’m currently on it (4months in) and my husbands wage is OURS. My mat pay is OURS. He pays all the bills and for us (inc food and savings) and then whatever I get for Mat L just gets thrown in the savings account.

OP’s partner- when you read this you’re being a bit of a pain. She’s the mother of your child and your child is also YOUR responsibility. She didn’t make them on her own.
get a grip and support your family.

also- take the baby in the morning. My husband adores his morning time with our LO. It’s his favourite part of the day.

You’re missing out and also being a selfish man. She’s carried your child - don’t make her stress over money!

sorry OP I just hate when peoples partners are like this. Babies belong to both of you and you shouldn’t even have to worry about this stuff!

Upsadiddles · 11/07/2022 22:19

We are similar in that DH earns marginally more than me plus is more likely to get bonuses/overtime etc. We work out finances by adding it all together, taking off bills, all savings, food, petrol, DC expenses/childcare, then whatever is left we half as our own personal spends. Overtime and bonuses he tends to treat us with or add to savings.

I’m on my second maternity leave and both times we have worked out how much my pay would be reduced by over the whole of the maternity leave, and saved that up prior to the mat leave starting as a joint expense from the combined pot. All DC related costs come from the joint pot too. I pay for coffees when I’m out and about and I think I did pay for baby groups etc myself with DC1 (haven’t bothered with DC2) but if I’d struggled to afford it he’d happily have halved it. Why should taking time off work to birth and care for our joint children cost me but not him? It’s already hitting my pension and career progression. We didn’t even need to discuss if this was fair. It was just a given.

As for not taking a turn through the night, he really needs to step up. DH went back to a full time stressful job with a long commute after the standard 2 weeks with DC1 and took a turn at night from the start. I breastfed but he’d do most of the nappies and would hold her when she wouldn’t sleep and needed a feed. Yes he was tired, but he coped. As did I when I went back to work with her still waking multiple times.

I can’t understand a man who isn’t happy to provide for and help care for his family but there seems to be a depressing number of them.

OneEyedPenguin · 11/07/2022 22:27

His response quite often is ‘i’ll
have half the Mat leave then’ but equally has said for his career progression that’s not really feasible and he feels it’d put him too far behind when promotions come up. Plus he had 4 weeks off and after the first 7 - 10 days (I had a c section and physically needed help) couldn’t cope with being woken up and hasn’t got up to see to baby in the night since I physically could do it without help

Is he the type of father to your children and partner to you that you wanted? You don't have to stay in this relationship.

A man that loves his partner and child is a man that is proud to be able to provide and look after them. He should be doting on you both, you've given birth to his child.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

stuntbubbles · 11/07/2022 22:31

His response quite often is ‘i’ll
have half the Mat leave then’ but equally has said for his career progression that’s not really feasible and he feels it’d put him too far behind when promotions come up.
But it’s OK for your career progression to stall and for you to be behind when promotions come up?

Plus he had 4 weeks off and after the first 7 - 10 days (I had a c section and physically needed help) couldn’t cope with being woken up and hasn’t got up to see to baby in the night since I physically could do it without help.
So basically, he simultaneously thinks maternity leave is some sort of holiday for you where you’re getting away with not working and not financially contributing, but also couldn’t cope with it himself (what if you left? He’d have to get up! Funny how “not coping” with night wakings simply isn’t an option for women…), financially or physically, but expects you to cope, and take the career hit, and take the financial hit. What a prince!

Otro77 · 11/07/2022 23:13

Thanks everyone.

I promise I’m not just writing this for his benefit… when I say great Dad I don’t just mean he gets all the cuddles. He’s actively looking for a nursery (he knows and accepts he’ll be paying proportionally for child care…), solving the issues we’ve had with his latch/feeding/reflux and lots of the practicals like bath times, giving his eye drops, milestones etc. He does give bottles and we’re trying to figure out the best time he can do this consistently.

Finances do however need to be sorted and this thread has helped me a lot. If he wasn’t decent I wouldn’t be able to post here and ask him to read it and believe it will help. He seemed to think his stance was typical when it came to Mat leave so I really wanted opinions without asking or involving friends and family.

OP posts:
Takingthepmaybe · 11/07/2022 23:16

It BAFFLES me that women don’t value their child care all. And that the baby costs come out of the mothers money.

you say he’s not abusive and only you can know that - but this is financial abuse. It’s appalling. Who does he think is going to look after his child if you don’t????

OneEyedPenguin · 11/07/2022 23:45

when I say great Dad I don’t just mean he gets all the cuddles. He’s actively looking for a nursery (he knows and accepts he’ll be paying proportionally for child care…), solving the issues we’ve had with his latch/feeding/reflux and lots of the practicals like bath times, giving his eye drops, milestones etc

That's not a great dad, that's just being a normal parent.

Otro77 · 12/07/2022 00:18

@OneEyedPenguin yes it is just parenting! Worded badly on my side, brains mush today.

OP posts:
xippo · 12/07/2022 00:29

So many posts like this lately. Really sad.

Duttercup · 12/07/2022 00:36

That's not a great dad, that's just being a normal parent.

Oh, stop. She's allowed to think her partner is a great Dad. She's allowed to continue to have positive regard for her partner and think the money situation isn't quite right.

No real advice OP because my husband and I don't have a joint account or any shared money so I recognise we sit far enough outside the Mumsnet norm to not be useful!

SleepSleepRaveAsleep · 12/07/2022 01:02

Should have got married and just had joint finances. I cant get my head around how people will make a baby together yet can't merge money? How can you be scrimping and having to justify buying a breastpump when he has savings and is still earning the same as he did before the baby. I can't believe how many women post about this. My attitude is if you aren't happy to merge assets you shouldn't be having a baby in the first place. As you already have a baby you need to discuss joint finances.

Pallisers · 12/07/2022 01:04

honestly he is leeching off you imo. you are taking the career hit, still expected to contribute, using your savings for maternity leave while his stay his. I don't like him much.

And he isn't a great dad. he is a normal enough dad who isn't very fair to his child's mother - which makes him what?

timeisnotaline · 12/07/2022 01:11

No woman should ever use her savings and none of her partners to pay for the baby they had together. If income isn’t covering it, savings should be drawn from jointly. If you’re expected to pay as if you’re working, they should care for the baby as if they are not. Starting with being woken up every time baby wakes up, sent to the shops for everything baby needs, taking baby with them, and explain you’ll tell all your joint friends that dp won’t contribute financially to you having a coffee out with mum friends because apparently once you have a baby you don’t count as a person anymore and they can watch the respect in their friends eyes drop as they realise what kind of man he is. I take equality in a marriage seriously and expect respect and support. I try not to wake my Dh up but if I need to I do and he appreciates that I let him sleep mostly and lets me sleep in on weekends. I buy whatever I want within our joint budget. He does not have more funds than me. If anything I have more to spend as what else can I do when I’m tied to a baby? Lunch and baby cinema it is!!
Im on mat leave currently with my 3rd for what it’s worth. Dp is picking the older 2 up on his way home then cooking us dinner. I’ll go back to work at 12 months and he will take 4 months off- the timing is to suit his work which I have pointed out very clearly is a privilege I don’t have, and if I were him I would have considered childcare finances in the timing , and I would have consulted my partner in the timing since he will be supporting my return to work Ie I’d have thought about my family not just me. He did take that on board and offer to start his leave earlier.

Ponderingwindow · 12/07/2022 01:31

It is not remotely fair.

first, every baby related expense should be shared. That includes your coffee when you take the baby out, your maternity clothes (back bill him for the those because I am guessing he didn’t pay his share), postpartum pads, nursing bras, that extra snack you needed because you were up at 3am, everything.

you should not lose any more income than he loses. One way to handle this is he can pay you 1/2 of your lost wages each paycheck, plus make your pension contributions.

when you go back to work, you need to be sure he is doing 1/2 of all drop offs and pickups from child care and covering 1/2 of all days off and that the schedule does not skew in his favor. He doesn’t get to pick all the best times and days. If that isn’t the case, he needs to compensate you directly for the negative impact to your income. This will also impact your career advancement so don’t underestimate the importance of this calculation and make sure you are investing this money, not spending it.

if this all seems very transactional To both of you, especially to him, explain this is why most couples get married and simply pool their earnings at this point.

mackthepony · 12/07/2022 02:02

(he knows and accepts he’ll be paying proportionally for child care

^

Well, yes! But why would he think anything else??!
It's HIS responsibility. That's 50%.

We hear it chapter and verse on here, time and time again. Men shirk responsibility.

Take it from me, op : make sure you go back to work after your mat leave. You need to remain financially independent. Don't be sucked into some kind of SAHM fiasco with a man like this.

Go and further YOUR career.

The shit these men pull.

His response quite often is ‘i’ll
have half the Mat leave then’ but equally has said for his career progression that’s not really feasible and he feels it’d put him too far behind when promotions come up

^

Ah yes. That old chestnut. His career. What about yours, op? Your career, pension? Calculate how much you're losing whilst on mat leave, then show him the numbers. Because you're basically being scammed. By your partner too.

(Some women would go back to work at three months and have him pick up 65% of the childcare bill, but I get the feeling you're not the type).

'Not really feasible'. Ha!

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2022 02:17

If you are planning to read responses to him:

Oi Otro's boyfriend (OBF) what kind of man are you? One who actively tries to make the mother of your child poorer and more dependent when she's looking after your child? You want to impoverish her? And no night wakings? So you aren't really a good old-school provider or a new school equal partner. Just a little crap at both. I know it's early days and you're finding your way. But when your kid is doing a speech at their wedding, or your funeral, what do you want them to say, "well mum paid disproportionately for us and ended up skint while dad had savings and he didn't look after the shitty end of our needs because ummmm he was working, but not to support mum really" or do you want them to say, "he showed us what a great partner and father is, selfless, kind and good, none of us wanted for anything important"?

BTW I have one of the really good ones. And he has an incredible relationship with DD. She loves and trusts him and so do I.

mathanxiety · 12/07/2022 02:20

Your partner is a first class twat who is more interested in his money than engaging in the truly supportive partnership that having a baby entails.

I would be seriously reconsidering a relationship with a man who is basically selfish, tight, and puts himself first.

Doesn't think a portable beast pump is something he would contribute to...
Won't be doing night feedings because of his big important job...

You're on your own in this 'relationship'.

Hatsoff5 · 12/07/2022 02:32

Congratulations OP. I would go very careful tbh and don't be getting into to debt over this.
Maybe this is lack of communication here but if baby no2 came along you would have even more to pay out and another set of nursery fees. I would discuss now.. Good luck.

fallfallfall · 12/07/2022 03:08

another one that finds this so bazaar, what on earth is a fair split to your body undergoing pregnancy and delivery with the potential of life altering damage?
maternity leave is so that you can feed and care for your (together formed) baby, during a period when you generally can't pay someone else to do it.
mind boggling and please remember this "split" should he ever be between employers or injured for more than his sick leave covers.

sjxoxo · 12/07/2022 03:29

I couldn’t get further than “My savings will be wiped out by mat leave”

…surely you can see this is far from ok?? Add all the costs up and split them. As a minimum! He pays everything if he’s the only one with income. You’re his pregnant partner and he doesn’t want to give you everything he has? What a charmer.

Is marriage on the cards? If not, I’d be very careful.. If he won’t give you 50% when both working or 100% when only he’s working; or really just whatever you need, at any point, because he’s your partner, he’s a pig. congrats on your bubba xxx

Justasec321 · 12/07/2022 03:34

Partner of OP -

you decided to become a father.

now you need to be a father.

stop all this embarrassing malarkey.

would your pals, work colleagues, and family be proud of you for basically ripping off your girlfriend?

there should be some shame there.

if there is shame the may be hope.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/07/2022 03:46

I really hope your ‘partner’ does read this, OP.

What you have described is a system that a lot of couples end up using. But it is still a shit system. The woman/mother ends up being penalized for carrying carrying and caring for a child.

I think it is outrageous that people think this is ‘fair’. Creating a child together, and parenting one, is far more difficult that managing finances. If you are prepared to do one, then do both, FFS! And do it properly.

Let’s be clear - that child is 50/50 yours and his. He needs to be, no, he is responsible for 50% of everything. EVERYTHING! Night wakings, nappy changes, childcare drop offs and pick ups and birthday parties and presents and food and clothes and furniture and everything!

Now, let’s be realistic. In a couple, it can make sense for one person to take the lead rather than everything being 50/50. That is particularly true when it comes to parenting but can also apply to housework, cooking and car maintenance. The reasons for this are varied - time, inclination, and ability.

So one part of the couple can, by agreement, takeover more responsibly for one thing but only if the other part of the couple takes more responsibility for another.

With babies, that trade off is usually between childcare and money.

Your ‘partner’ needs to prove that the two of you are really going to be in 50/50 partnership. Calculate your costs (including the breast pump that feeds his child!). Your partner is responsible for 50% of those costs. Calculate your losses (the weeks of half pay, statutory pay, no pay). Your partner is responsible for 50% of those costs.

If he will not cover these expenses, then you will have to go back to work earlier than planned. And then you both will be responsible for 50% of the child are costs. No, nursery fees don’t just get paid by the mother. They are the responsibility of both parents. And it may well be financially worthwhile to both of you for one of you to stay at home with the baby.

Of course, if he doesn’t agree that it is financially worthwhile, he may want to stay at home with the baby himself. And that is his prerogative. And he can take that career hit. Except you said he didn’t want to.

Alternatively, you can both enter into an adult relationship and pool all of your resources for the benefit of your child and family.

PS - if you don’t want to get married, that is fine. But please note that there is fuck ton of paperwork you should take care of now you have child. Do you have wills? Do you know who the beneficiaries are? Is it sensible to leave everything to a child who cannot access it until they are 18 or should it be left to the guardian of the child to spend on the child as they see fit? (Surviving families have been left homeless because the child’s money was tied up and couldn’t be used to pay for accommodation for the surviving parent and child). Who makes decisions if you are medically incapacities? Is that written down somewhere or with parents try to intervene? Is property held as joint tenants or tenants common? If you split, will you share savings that have been made due to one person covering costs that may have shared? The list goes on and on and on. Getting married is actually easier.

ArcticSkewer · 12/07/2022 03:49

Op, you are not married and you have a financial leech for a partner.

Please reconsider your year maternity leave.
The cost to you financially is enormous... lost pension, promotion, total loss of savings. Without marriage, it is a cost and risk you alone are bearing.

Yes, going back to work is tough when your baby is young, but over 50% of partnerships fail. If/when that happens, you will be left on your own to bring up your child. Will a man who quibbles over a breast pump be paying you child maintenance? I don't think so! Financially abusive the second he gets a chance! You need your savings, your job, your promotion opportunities.

If your second part of mat leave is unpaid, let your partner take it as unpaid pat leave instead. That way you can go back to work knowing baby is safe with his dad. You rebuild your savings and he can decide whether powdered milk is a luxury or necessity once you've stopped using the breast pump.

It's very sad, I'm sorry!!

DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/07/2022 03:50

Have you registered the baby yet?

If not, please check out some other threads here that explain why the baby should have your last name. Possibly but not necessarily double barreled. But your last name MUST be included.

It can easily be changed later if you get married but it is much, much more difficult (if not impossible) to change to the baby’s name to include yours if you break up.

Cakeandcardio · 12/07/2022 03:57

Does he grudge you maternity pads as well? Everything should be in a shared account which you both use for your baby. I couldn't live beholden to a man who thinks he shouldn't pay for or care for his baby and who grudges his partner anything.