What’s fair? Maternity leave and contribution towards joint bills.

[Otro77]

I know this has been asked before but wanting to ask specifically about my situation as told partner I would be posting for opinions…

Bit of background: Not married. Joint mortgage. Baby planned and finances discussed prior to Mat leave.

Partner earns slightly but not significantly
more than me and also gets some additional benefits such as bonus. He has double my savings.

I’m on NHS Mat pay so 8 weeks full pay, 16 weeks half, a few months on very little and the last 3 months zero pay. My savings will be wiped out by mat leave. I will probably also accrue a bit of debt considering the cost of living is increasing.

I do all the night wakings (which is currently a lot!) and provide the majority of care. He’s great with baby but thinks as he goes to work he shouldn’t do any night wakings…

Bills:

We always contributed 50:50 up until 5 months ago when partner started putting an extra £50 in to the joint account to create a bit of a cushion. I have been putting every spare penny (much more than £50 pm) in to a separate savings account since I got pregnant to use during mat leave to cover my bills.

Partner originally said he’d put £100 more than me towards joint bills for the first 9 months and when I got to zero pay would put in 3/4 joint bills (this would be for 3 months max). However with bill increases our monthly joint bills have increased past the extra he was going to put in so after a discussion he has offered to put in £850 per month (£100 more again) for 9 months whilst I put in £650. I should add he charges his car at home so £60 of his extra £200 goes towards that meaning in total he’s contributing £140 more.

I have asked for 50% of everything baby needs which he eventually gives however he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to
contribute to things like this.

He thinks this is fair, is it?

His stance isn't typical for mat leave and money he JOINTLY wanted a baby which means FAIRLY paying and supporting for now baby is here.

I'm on mat leave and have also saved we do same contribution whilst on full pay (65/35 split Im the higher earner), when on stat pay we work out what the shortfall is minus £250 (which I use for a month for general expenses) and contribute equally from savings to cover it.
When on zero we both equally put in from savings to cover the whole contribution plus additional £125 from my DH which is half of the monthly money required.

Would also say baby classes are vital for your mental health and well being as well as they help with baby development.

Nip any not doing night time waking in the bud wake him up to settle baby or change nappies! Or hand him baby in the evening with some expressed milk and go to bed for a few hours and get some rest.
The number of lazy partners/husbands with my friends is ridiculous but they also allow it and don't challenge!

I think splitting things 50-50 is completely fine as long as he is paying you his half the going rate for a private 24-hour nanny. Because that's what you're doing on maternity leave. If your contribution is included, that is fair.

What I think is fair is this... men usually earn more than women. My husband gave me his log in details for his online banking and let me take whatever I needed (no questions asked) obviously I wasn't going wild but he never ever made me feel like I had to ask for money but understood I needed money througout maternity. We then properly joined finances last year when baby no 2 came. Maybe we're old fashioned but to us that's us having an equal life together. I'd have done the exact same for him if he was on reduced wages.

I think its a red flag if they won't financially support you when you're on a reduced pay period. It becomes a bit of a power imbalance which isn't very good.

No it’s not fair.

we pool money in the joint account and each take an small equal allowance. No “I earn more so I get more personal spending money” when you have children, that often just penalises the person who looks after the children more and devalues that work

...however he thinks things such as a portable breast pump, any form of baby activity aren’t necessary and so often wont want to contribute to things like this.

...which leaves you in the position of trying to justify certain expenses, leaving him with the power to say no.

What do you do then?
Is this how you want to live?
What kind of a man thinks this is how a man should conduct himself?

(And wrt that pump, either he pays for the pump or he does night formula feedings, and he pays for the formula too. He can't have it both ways.)

This is certainly not normal or fair.

And him dictating what you can or can't do on mat leave, classes etc? What an idiot.

You need to do things like that or you'll go mad, you need some mum friends. That's a cost you (both) wouldn't have without baby, so it needs to be paid for jointly. If you're not earning, you can't put anything in! He needs to put all if his income in the joint account. Equal spending money (for things for yourself, nothing baby related).

It's a choice to stay off on maternity leave when it's drops to £0 pay. so I do think it's unfair to expect a sole person to cover all bills during that time

But aside from that what is "fair" is very personal. Such a young baby doesn't need lots of expensive activities and with the cost of living rise you could argue there is lots of free socialisation you can do if that's what you are looking for.

If you are at the point of arguing over 50/50 split of all babies costs then I can't see this being a long term sustainable and happy relationship to be honest.

Having a child shouldn't be about tit for tat and 50/50 shared cost spreadsheets and schedules

I agree with a lot here, and don't think she should be taking the extra mat leave, but if she went back to work she would be paying 50% of the nursery fees instead
I can see how it would seem a tempting deal to save the 50% and look after your baby yourself instead
He shouldn't be getting that part for free instead of a minimum of 50% of nursery fee costs for a six month old baby because 'her choice'

Sorry, you lost me at the fact he doesn't think he should do night wakings because he pays the bills. Yet another selfish, entitled man who thinks the fact a woman has given birth means she magically no longer needs sleep. He sounds shit, your financial situation sounds completely unfair and I'm sorry you only realised this after having his baby. My advice is don't have any more kids with him!

DH and I split everything equally - night wakings, money, chores, everything. Even on mat leave when I'm at home and he's at work. We are a team and he ensures I'm not left broke and exhausted now I'm the mother of his children.

so many of these posts recently and they surprise, upset and annoy me. I’m sorry you are in this position op. In no way are you being unreasonable.
i can’t believe men still have this attitude to their partners/ mother of their children.
it’s so oldfashioned, selfish and down right nasty.
my husband went out of his way to support me and our baby and thats how it should be, because he loves us, cares about us and wants the best for us.
No selfish grabby attitude that only thinks about himself.
i hope your oh reads this and it opens his eyes.
Enjoy your new baby op

This is just such a sad thread, are you a family unit or not? It really doesn't sound like it. Families pull together for the good of the whole, they don't selfishly make one person struggle while the other boost their own personal savings. Disgusting and really sad.

This

I'm sorry OP, I'm not meaning to pile on, but the frequency of these threads is just crazy and worrying. 50/50 - anything else is bizarre

Always make me wince when a thread like this comes up.

By taking a maternity leave, your pension has suffered, when his hasn't.

He's worried about his promotion potential. You won't be promoted in your year off. And given you might go part time after you return, probably won't be promoted in the following year.

This issue is more than a hundred quid a month here or there for bills or breast pumps.

If you planned a baby, it's time to reset the whole conversation about household money. I'd suggest that all earnings go into one pot. The bills come out. The money for consumables goes into another pot (nappies, shopping, breast pumps, baby clothes, your clothes, his clothes, petrol, baby classes etc etc come out of that pot). Whatever is left is split for your own savings accounts. If he has significantly more savings than you, he should be working towards addressing that too. So let's say there's £100 left to go to savings. A fair split could be £70 to your savings and £30 to his.

I couldn't let my partner take so many hits and sit on a pot of gold that they had no chance of equalling. That for me is the biggest indicator of the kind of man you've had a baby with.

Plan a short mat leave and go back full time or 4 days. This man does not have your back. Sorry but you need to look after yourself.

Dh paid the mortgage and bills. I paid for lots of baby clothes toys activities incidentals coffee out and to be fair all our food bills and council tax as that's in my name.

See what I think is sad is that women think they should be financially compensated for having a child - the OP gets the benefit of being home with her baby, building a lovely bond like no other with none of the stress of work and paying the bills - that is priceless - you can't put a price on it but MN seems to think you can and should be paid for it.

Whilst on paid for ML pensions get paid by employer. It's a choice to either stay on extended ML or give up work Totally.

And sharing nights when one doesn't work is such a MN thing

If the DP won’t stop being a tight fecker then the best option is to go back to work at 6 months and split the nursery fees and remaining childcare. He can’t get free 24 childcare and not contribute more to the household bills.

Your baby is both your babies!
He should be paying you to care for your baby. He should be doing at least weekend nights or the first shift every night until 1 am where you go to bed at 8-9pm and he does that first shift. He thinks that he gets full nights sleep with a newborn baby and the mum is sleep deprived & does everything else including housework etc? He is a very selfish man and a rubbish Dad. Most decent Dads take on equal responsibility from the moment they are home from work. You are equal parents not Lord Dad and his slave who gets NO time off and no full night sleep ever. Fgs I went to work for a rest when DCs were young!

Absolutely should be joint bank account with you both taking out same amount of spending money. It's never 50:50 once someone is on Mar leave as you both created the baby. Baby equipment and expenses get taken out of shared money - if you don't express what does he think baby will eat??! Baby expenses are your work expenses!

So set up a joint bank account- you both transfer % of expenses and a bit more for buffer, and it cannot be 50% whilst you are on Mat leave! His savings should be used same amount as yours are.

You'd expect both of you to be sleep deprived and feel the lunch of being poor. You both have to tighten your belts whilst you have a young baby. Not the Dad think he can lumber it all (that he doesn't flaky paying for) onto you!!!

@shrugitoffonemoretime

You either aren't a mum/ equally involved parent or there's something wrong with you to say something so ignorant of babies' needs. You clearly have no idea what it is like caring for a newborn or any DCs all day and all night! And the house!

No employer requires their staff to work 24 hours with no break, far under minimum wage pay (168 hours in a week, so is OP being paid £3 -5 an hour and then down to £1 an hour?!).

Nor do employers let your working conditions be no more than 2 hours sleep at a time a night, 4-5 hours in total whilst still expecting a full day shift from you!

Yes babies are lovely and you develop a wonderful bond however it comes at a hefty price if the Dad doesn't do his EQUAL share and let Mum catch up on her sleep.

Both parents e benefit when one takes parental leave, paid childcare costs far more for far less hours. That financial saving should not be ignored and come at price of (only) mum's sanity, savings & wellbeing. You're either parents in it together or one parent is taking advantage expecting to have all the need it's of having a baby but barely any of the work and pain!!

Threads like this make me sad. As soon as you feel up to it, make sure you have legal documentation around your mortgage, property ownership and every financial contribution you make. As you are not married you have no rights unless you put a series of legal protections in place. You and your partner should make wills and get life insurance policies in place asap. Ideally you should get married, but tbh, I am not sure I would want to marry this selfish, financially controlling man.

Sorry about the auto incorrects to different words you can guess what I typed!

Yep.
Your partner needs to accept that he needs to cover the shortfall in your earnings while you look after the baby - which is after all his child too. Does he know how much full time childcare costs?
Also baby related accessories (eg breast pump) are not luxuries, nor is you taking the baby to a few classes. They are great for baby's development and essential for your mental health.

Your living together and with a child on the way, so I assume you're both committed to the relationship. A lot of couples put all their earnings in one pot, no matter who earns what, as they're a team.

We agreed to have an equal amount each, each month. We've always stuck to this, as it helps us keep within budget. Other couples have more flexibility or don't mind if one needs a bit more one month for something, and they both draw what they need from the joint account. It just keeps it simple.

@Otro77 with your maternity pay and NHS, is it not your enhanced amount plus SMP? So the 16 weeks on half pay is then topped up and effectively becomes almost a normal salary?

Did you both agree to the full year off, six months and then add on any holiday allowance you are entitled to may work well? Then there’s less disruption to your career and pension.

I'm also shortly going on mat leave and like we did last time, DH will massively up contributions to joint account to cover what I won't be putting in, and will stop saving his spare money into a savings for the year. Even though the savings are "ours", lithe priority over the next year will be to keep the current account afloat for bills etc. If my current account is empty towards the end of the month then I'll just spend from joint.

You def need to get this sorted out ASAP. As others have said, your pension and career earnings long term will be more affected than his.