Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Really stuck on which path to go down - abortion*

128 replies

Mariposa3 · 09/07/2022 23:59

Hi,

I’m new here and not sure if I’m posting in the right place, I’m so sorry if it has reached somebody that it may really upset!

I an currently 6 weeks pregnant at the age of 21 with a guy who isn’t the best, we’ll put it that way.

Culturally we can never be together as his family won’t allow it (not religiously, culturally), so there is not a chance of it at all, not that I would really want there to be. It just makes the situation a lot harder as he would be unable to have anything to do with the baby he said as his family would disown him and he has to marry somebody they approve of from back home.

I already have had a termination in February which was the most awful experience, he told me to have it and with the things he said I felt that I had no other option. Since then it has eaten away at me and it has been awful to cope with mentally as it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. The guilt I have felt has been immense.

It feels like a massively irresponsible mistake to have let this happen again and not have been more careful (although I was taking the pill).

I made it very clear when I found out that he would have absolutely no input in my decision and I stood up for myself as I should have before.

He has since warmed to the idea of a baby but is adamant that he won’t have much to do with it at all due to his family and as he has just set up a business which is doing extremely well, he’s really busy. He has mentioned how once I have his baby I am his forever even if he moves on and marries somebody else and that I am “marked” by him and he doesn’t want his child around another man.

I have an extremely supportive family, but ultimately, I’m scared to be alone while he lives his life out with a wife from back home while I’m with his baby and completely unwanted because he would make sure it stayed that way. He’s also said no man would want me if I had his baby and that he would make sure they knew who he was.

I don’t think I could mentally go through an abortion again, but I’m really struggling to see how I will be happy if he uses my baby against me for the rest of my life to yo-yo us about. He would always use the baby against me and I know that he would.

I know that you can’t give any direct advice as it’s my choice ultimately, I just think I want to feel heard or like I have somebody to speak to where I can air out how I feel. I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading this far!

OP posts:

buttermut · 10/07/2022 00:12

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It is a very difficult decision to make. Would this man make a good father? And would you want to be tied to him for the next 18+ years?

NoImNotWhat · 10/07/2022 00:19

Hey Me from the past. Please have your baby and leave him. No matter what he says. No matter what he threatens or promises. If there is any part of you that wants this baby you will never forgive him and you will never forgive yourself if you go through with the abortion. You will spend every day of the next 18 years (and counting) regretting it. You will wish every day that you could go back and change your decision. Don't do this to yourself. You can do it on your own. Your family loves you and they will help you more than this waste of a space man ever will. No man is worth giving up a baby that you want (and especially not someone who threatens you into submission).

But that's me. I wish I could turn back time and I wish I could say this to my younger self and I wish I had made a different decision. But yes, that's me. You need to do what you feel is the best for you and for you only. Your partner is toxic and the things he says sound abusive. Whatever you decide to do get away from him. I don't know how much having a baby will tie you to him and that is something to consider but ultimately do what you and only you believe is right.

I'm sorry I can't answer this without any bias. It is uncanny and unsettling how similar our situations are down to the details as well and I can't resist telling you what I wish someone had told me back then.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do.

(But please leave the bastard. He sounds horrible. If you have this baby or not).

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2022 00:21

He has mentioned how once I have his baby I am his forever even if he moves on and marries somebody else and that I am “marked” by him and he doesn’t want his child around another man.

I wouldn't have a child anywhere near a man who told me, in detail, how he was going to be abusive for the next 18 years.

Do you have friends, family, supports? Do you have a safe place to live and a means to support yourself? Do you actually want to have a baby?

rnsaslkih · 10/07/2022 00:31

I have to say that I would get the abortion in your case. Although it sounds like you have feelings for the guy, he sounds like a controlling psycho saying that he’s “marked you” and the like. I’d have the abortion and ghost him. It may be difficult for you to see how awful he is, but the things he has said are terrible. An abortion would get you permanently away from him. In future, don’t rely on the pill - it clearly doesn’t work for you. Best wishes to you.

Dinoteeth · 10/07/2022 00:42

Op only you can make the decision but he sounds like he'd, and his family sound like they would be a nightmare to deal with.

He thinks he can move on have a 'suitable' bride / wife. Meanwhile your not allowed to move on. And are tied to him.

I think I'd abort and ditch him. You have no future together. He's using you to get his hole. He certainly doesn't value you or see a future for you together.

NoImNotWhat · 10/07/2022 00:43

On second thoughts our situations are slightly different. My boyfriend wasn't abusive and didn't threaten me. He threatened to kill himself. He was young and scared and selfish but not abusive. I would have done us both a favour if I'd left him. He wouldn't have tried to harm me in any way.

I need to stress that detail because I realise my post above sounds as if I'm encouraging you to not have an abortion but what I've written is a message for a slightly different situation. For my situation. For my past. I'm sorry. I'm just triggered.

Please do what is best for you. I don't know if you should have an abortion or not but I do know that you shouldn't be with this man and don't let his wishes influence your decision. He should have lost and consideration on your part when he threatened you.

Whatever you decide be kind to yourself.

YesGotIt · 10/07/2022 00:48

OP I too have had an abortion. I didn't want to have it but was with a similarly abusive man. You need to leave him, regardless. He is being vile towards you.

Whether or not you keep the pregnancy, only you can decide. In time I have accepted that an abortion was the best option in difficult circumstances for me. Being tied to an abusive man is not a good future. Please don't stay with this man.

MichelleM33 · 10/07/2022 00:51

I found out I was pregnant with my first baby just days after I found out my then bf had cheated on me with someone we worked with.

two things I asked myself

do I want this baby

can I face being tied to this loser for the rest of my life

my dd is now 14, rarely sees her dad

only you can make the choice x

Italiangreyhound · 10/07/2022 00:58

If you want to keep your baby, do. If your abusive partner makes any threats, get them in writing, email or text etc.

If you decide to keep the baby it's your choice.

But whatever you do, dump this guy.

And any threats about what he will do, need to go to the police. He sounds awful.

Good luck.

NrlySp · 10/07/2022 01:08

Hello my lovely. Have your baby. Don’t have another abortion.
look into the freedom Programme from Womens Aid. I think it will help you.
you can do this.
big hugs

Doingmybest12 · 10/07/2022 07:41

Please only have this baby if you feel you are strong enough to be independent of this man. He wants to make your life a mystery and this will be harmful to your baby unless you can get away from him. He isn't disguising his true nature. You have a lot of life a head of you,you need to make the decision to protect yourself and bring any children into a healthy environment.

Doingmybest12 · 10/07/2022 07:41

Misery!

KangarooKenny · 10/07/2022 07:43

I would be concerned that he would try and take the baby/child to wherever his family is from.
I think that if I were you I’d have the abortion and never see him again, ever.
And you need more reliable contraception.

DrDetriment · 10/07/2022 07:45

Ask yourself does your child deserve a father like this? Should you bring a child into the world where her father isn't involved and is abusive, one who holds your birth over your mother for the rest of his life? You are 21. Have the abortion, live your life and raise a family with someone kind. There is no shame in two abortions.

Beefcurtains79 · 10/07/2022 07:47

What about the baby? Do you think it’s fair for them to have a father who is ashamed of them, and will probably have to watch their half siblings grow up to be treated well, and for them to be an unwanted dirty secret who might get a secret visit every few months?
No one ever seems to think of the child on these threads.

Figgygal · 10/07/2022 07:47

Have the abortion
Get him out of your life he. And the whole set up sounds horrible. Not someone you want to be connected by child for years.
Id rather deal with emotions of abortion than be dealing with him for years.
Also Sort out more reliable contraception for future

Beefcurtains79 · 10/07/2022 07:48

“If there is any part of you that wants this baby you will never forgive him and you will never forgive yourself if you go through with the abortion. You will spend every day of the next 18 years (and counting) regretting it. You will wish every day that you could go back and change your decision.”

This is simply not true.

Newpuppymummy · 10/07/2022 07:50

Only you can make this decision. If you want a child have the baby. Move away from him and cut all ties. You will be ok. It may take a long time but you will. He is abusive and you deserve more.

StopStartStop · 10/07/2022 07:52

OP, my thoughts.

Consider terminating this pregnancy because you aren't in a position to raise a child alone and he will never be any use. Perhaps get some therapy to help you decide. The service providing terminations might know who you can contact.

End the relationship. He's using you. You're the throwaway girl for sex until he and his family agree on a nice girl for him to marry. Probably a virgin.

Continue with the pill (can you get injections so you don't 'forget'?) and insist on condoms, whoever you have sex with, until you are ready to bring up a child.

You are 21. Adolescence doesn't end until mid-twenties. You're a child. Look after yourself. At this stage, you can put yourself first. If you have a baby, you won't be first in your own life any more.

PonyPatter44 · 10/07/2022 07:55

Have the abortion. But more importantly, dump this pathetic bullying excuse for a "man". You may think he's wonderful now, but he doesn't care about you at all. You deserve a man who sees you as the Queen of his world, and this loser is not and never will be that man.

Legalwomble · 10/07/2022 07:58

In all honesty I would have the abortion.
He sounds awful and I don’t think it will be as easy as him just “having nothing to do with the baby” because I imagine he will reappear periodically and interfere, with eventual threats to try to take the baby. You will not be free of him but you also won’t have him, and you will watch him go on to have a “good” marriage, whilst you are tied to him in the background. He’s already making noises about no man being around the baby, which means a potential nightmare when you meet someone else.

I know you will feel devastated but unless you really, really want this baby it’s got to be weighed up the 18 years of this man’s potential interference and threats. I have children with my ex husband and believe me, life can be very difficult when your children are your chink in your armour

Iwonder08 · 10/07/2022 08:07

You are sooo young, it is way too early to damage your life so much. You don't have to do it. The guy is awful, he won't be a good father, sounds like he won't be present at all. Even if you have all the support in the world, it will still be just you and the child. You will have so many opportunities to meet someone special, who treats you with the respect you deserve and have a family. It will be immeasurably harder if you already have a child. Yes, of course some people managed, but most won't.
I would terminate and get rid of the guy immediately

Namenic · 10/07/2022 08:09

OP - I hope you can get some counselling. In the end it is your choice. Adoption may be an option for you as well. Sending you good wishes as it must be very difficult.

Mabelface · 10/07/2022 08:16

Don't make any decisions yet, apart from walking away from this man. Get some counselling to help you make the decision about the baby.

All this shit he's spouting is to make you do as you're told. If you walk away from him and have the baby, you won't see him for dust. That's a good thing.

Ultimately, the decision is 100% yours. Report your own post and ask mnet to move it to the pregnancy choices board.

Penguinwaddles · 10/07/2022 08:21

I am so sorry you are going through this . You sound like such a lovely person.

The following is my honest opinion based on what I would tell my daughter who is a similar age to you, but op, only you have the right to decide.

First and foremost , whatever you decide, you need to get yourself as far away from this man as possible. If it means moving towns and jobs then do it. He is the worst sort. Doesn’t want to step up and be responsible or helpful but also threatening to make your life a misery forever. As you now know it was a mistake going back to him after the first abortion, please, please don’t ever go back to him again. Separate yourself from him physically and emotionally and give yourself space to breathe and think.

Second, in your shoes I think it would be good to visualise the future YOU want for yourself. Without being pushed and pulled about by events and other people I mean.

Only you can decide but if your future involves meeting a different, good man and having children with him, then I would have the abortion and start over again. I know that is not an “easy” option for you and abortion is something to be undertaken lightly.

Bit you are in an awful situation - let’s face it, men do not have to go through this - you are left with the fall out and that’s unfair from the start. You are young, this horrible man sounds controlling, you can get counselling, forgive yourself if you feel the need to do that, and move on. Try and think of the advice you would give to a friend in a similar situation, what would you tell them? You would be kinder to them than you are being to yourself right now I think

it won’t be easy going through a termination feeling as you do, but please call on the support of your family, let them help you to separate yourself from this man. Can you reframe it in your mind that by having an abortion you are fighting for the happiness of yourself and your future family? You are young and life can move you far away from where you are now. Five years ahead could very soon seem like a lifetime ago.

Whatever you decide op, whether you have the baby or not, you are allowed to fight for your future happiness, you do not need anyone’s permission to be happy, I hope you know that

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread