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Original poster

Really stuck on which path to go down - abortion*

128 replies

Mariposa3 · 09/07/2022 23:59

Hi,

I’m new here and not sure if I’m posting in the right place, I’m so sorry if it has reached somebody that it may really upset!

I an currently 6 weeks pregnant at the age of 21 with a guy who isn’t the best, we’ll put it that way.

Culturally we can never be together as his family won’t allow it (not religiously, culturally), so there is not a chance of it at all, not that I would really want there to be. It just makes the situation a lot harder as he would be unable to have anything to do with the baby he said as his family would disown him and he has to marry somebody they approve of from back home.

I already have had a termination in February which was the most awful experience, he told me to have it and with the things he said I felt that I had no other option. Since then it has eaten away at me and it has been awful to cope with mentally as it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. The guilt I have felt has been immense.

It feels like a massively irresponsible mistake to have let this happen again and not have been more careful (although I was taking the pill).

I made it very clear when I found out that he would have absolutely no input in my decision and I stood up for myself as I should have before.

He has since warmed to the idea of a baby but is adamant that he won’t have much to do with it at all due to his family and as he has just set up a business which is doing extremely well, he’s really busy. He has mentioned how once I have his baby I am his forever even if he moves on and marries somebody else and that I am “marked” by him and he doesn’t want his child around another man.

I have an extremely supportive family, but ultimately, I’m scared to be alone while he lives his life out with a wife from back home while I’m with his baby and completely unwanted because he would make sure it stayed that way. He’s also said no man would want me if I had his baby and that he would make sure they knew who he was.

I don’t think I could mentally go through an abortion again, but I’m really struggling to see how I will be happy if he uses my baby against me for the rest of my life to yo-yo us about. He would always use the baby against me and I know that he would.

I know that you can’t give any direct advice as it’s my choice ultimately, I just think I want to feel heard or like I have somebody to speak to where I can air out how I feel. I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading this far!

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 11/07/2022 13:53

Having an abortion won't affect your future fertility, OP.

If you're only 6 weeks and you have one quickly, you probably won't even need any surgery.

I am 15 years older than you and have had five miscarriages, four natural and one where I tried two rounds of the medication and then had to have surgery to remove retained products.

It hasn't affected my fertility at all. I'm currently pregnant for the 7th time, with what will hopefully be my second baby.

Having an abortion is, in medical terms, no different to having a miscarriage.

CoastalWave · 11/07/2022 13:59

I already have had a termination in February which was the most awful experience, he told me to have it and with the things he said I felt that I had no other option. Since then it has eaten away at me and it has been awful to cope with mentally as it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. The guilt I have felt has been immense.

How on earth did you carry on sleeping with him after you felt like this?!

Please. 1. Dump him. 2. You need (sadly) to terminate.

This is not the type of guy you want to be having any kind of connection to. Seriously not a kind environment to bring a baby into.

He has mentioned how once I have his baby I am his forever even if he moves on and marries somebody else and that I am “marked” by him and he doesn’t want his child around another man.

Fuck that. Seriously. You need to get any from this man as soon as possible.

MissMaple82 · 11/07/2022 14:18

Bloody hell, no way would I be having his baby! You'll never be free of him, he will make your life hell. Abort and move on with your life, and use extra precautions!!

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/07/2022 14:27

Oh OP I’m so sorry. He sounds like a psycho and I would be worried he’s the type that kills women who dare to move on so I would be getting in touch with police to keep a record of what he says.

i am from a culture where men commonly do this. They lie, their families aren’t that bothered but they deliberately like to keep their choices open and want to seem ‘respectable’ to their family. It is most definitely a choice he’s making. They like trapping women and pull all the strings. Dangerous abusers who think nothing wrong with controlling women like this.

i personally would really get some counselling for an abortion keep an open mind.

i would cut contact from this man, he’s dangerous and tell as many people as you can what he’s been saying to you so they can protect you from him because I wouldn’t put anything passed men like this, believe me.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/07/2022 14:31

Sorry OP I have read he already talked you into having an abortion that you didn’t want. Well, in all honesty then please look into having an abortion, I think it’s more clear in these circumstances that you definitely shouldn’t have the baby. Wait until you meet someone worthy and then start a family. Not in this toxic and abusive set up. You’d constantly be looking over your shoulder and one day he’ll decide he wants to play dad of the year and kidnap the child. No this isn’t fiction, this sort of thing most definitely happens in this country. Get some counselling and if you have the abortion get counselling after.

Elsiebear90 · 11/07/2022 14:37

He sounds like a psycho who will make your life hell, along with his family. I would have the abortion and dump him. You’re 21, you have your whole life ahead of you, don’t tie yourself to this misogynistic abuser forever.

gospelsinger · 11/07/2022 16:34

You have told him that you will not allow him to influence your decision but that is what he is doing.

  1. Dump him
  2. Do not talk to him or engage with him
  3. Get yourself to a place where you can make this decision for yourself.
  4. If you decide you want to keep it, Maybe your family can find a way to engage with his family and expose his bullshit. You only have his word for it that his culture is like this.
BeautifulWar · 11/07/2022 16:38

I'm really sorry but I would not have a baby with this man. He sounds unhinged.

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 11/07/2022 17:15

@gospelsinger I’m not allowing him to tell me whether I can or cannot keep this child, so he isn’t influencing me in that sense. It is my choice whether I want to put up with him influencing the rest of my life or not that is the trouble.

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 11/07/2022 17:18

gospelsinger · 11/07/2022 16:34

You have told him that you will not allow him to influence your decision but that is what he is doing.

  1. Dump him
  2. Do not talk to him or engage with him
  3. Get yourself to a place where you can make this decision for yourself.
  4. If you decide you want to keep it, Maybe your family can find a way to engage with his family and expose his bullshit. You only have his word for it that his culture is like this.

I definitely wouldn't go trying to expose him to his family😮. That is likely to make him turn on the Op.

At best he'd deny it or call her a cheap slut. Or at worse have her and child wiped out.
Really he doesn't care about her. She is disposable to him. Use and abuse until he finds someone else.

Dinoteeth · 11/07/2022 17:21

Op not a very popular option but there is a 3rd option give baby up for adoption.

But that give other issues knowing you have a child out there not knowing where they are or how they are doing.

But I really don't think you want him anywhere near you.

SheepingStandingUp · 11/07/2022 17:23

So his family can't know and would disown him but he's going to stalk you and tell any man you meet that you're "his" because of the baby he fathered and disowned.

If you decide to keep the baby, I'd be pointing out that as he intends to tell all your future dates he's the Daddy, it's best to get it open and you'll be sure to let his family know you're carrying his child.

I'd also consider moving away having told him you'd had he abortion if relocating is an option.

But honestly, I think you're better off away fro this bastard, with zero ties. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better.

kierenthecommunity · 11/07/2022 17:46

*If you have this baby and he knows, he can control so many aspects of yours and your babies life.

where you live (he can apply to the courts to prevent long distance moves), schools (parental responsibility means he has equal say on these)

even if you can take the baby abroad or not on holiday*

He’d have to be on the birth certificate to get PR or apply for it if he wasn’t. Can’t see him doing either of these.

OP I genuinely would not want any tie to this man and I personally would abort but only you can decide. If you want the baby then I can only echo a PP please whatever you do don’t register the baby with him and give the baby your surname not his

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 11/07/2022 18:17

A friend of the same culture had her brother get a girl outside of the culture pregnant and her dad said to get married and deny the baby is his. His family I used to speak with and see, especially his older sister but I distanced myself as ultimately I don’t need a connection with them, they have ulterior plans for him that don’t involve me. They wouldn’t care I don’t think, only if I ruined their reputation in their community by airing it out to people. He did say if I have it then he doesn’t want any pictures anywhere of the baby … forgetting that I do actually leave my house and people would see the baby whether he liked it or not regardless

OP posts:
Damnautocorrect · 11/07/2022 18:22

kierenthecommunity · 11/07/2022 17:46

*If you have this baby and he knows, he can control so many aspects of yours and your babies life.

where you live (he can apply to the courts to prevent long distance moves), schools (parental responsibility means he has equal say on these)

even if you can take the baby abroad or not on holiday*

He’d have to be on the birth certificate to get PR or apply for it if he wasn’t. Can’t see him doing either of these.

OP I genuinely would not want any tie to this man and I personally would abort but only you can decide. If you want the baby then I can only echo a PP please whatever you do don’t register the baby with him and give the baby your surname not his

i agree. I doubt he’d do that, but if he wants to be difficult.
he can.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2022 19:54

he doesn’t want any pictures anywhere of the baby

This is not the father you want for a baby. Not wanting to have an abortion based on intrusive thoughts about karma isn't the same as wanting a baby.

SheepingStandingUp · 11/07/2022 19:57

A friend of the same culture had her brother get a girl outside of the culture pregnant
Sorry, what? How did your friend get her brother to go and get someone pregnant and why?

If you continue with this pregnancy either lie and move now, or tell him you won't be lying to ANYONE about it.

Anothernamechangeplease · 11/07/2022 20:14

You poor thing. I am not going to tell you what to do about your pregnancy. I think you need some good quality counselling to help you decide what you really want.

I am going to tell you to ditch your little shit of a boyfriend though. He is treating you terribly and you deserve so much better.

Dinoteeth · 11/07/2022 20:37

A friend of the same culture had her brother get a girl outside of the culture pregnant and her dad said to get married and deny the baby is his

Op I'm confused by this, why did her Dad want her to get married and to who, another man and try to pass the baby off as the husbands that just doesn't make sense.

But whatever you aren't her.
You need to do what is right for you. And think about what you want for your life and future.

Quitelikeit · 11/07/2022 20:49

I’m afraid I would not keep this pregnancy.

you have the chance to meet a new person and have a child with them

you will certainly regret being tied to such a man and also even though children do not need fathers imagine how your child will feel being kept a secret from his paternal family? But seeing his father with his other family?

I just wouldn’t invite this type of situation into my life let alone all ur it upon a child.

I think you should run from this man - clearly he is using you

rhowton · 11/07/2022 20:57

Have an abortion and use reliable birth control.

SheepingStandingUp · 11/07/2022 21:53

Dinoteeth · 11/07/2022 20:37

A friend of the same culture had her brother get a girl outside of the culture pregnant and her dad said to get married and deny the baby is his

Op I'm confused by this, why did her Dad want her to get married and to who, another man and try to pass the baby off as the husbands that just doesn't make sense.

But whatever you aren't her.
You need to do what is right for you. And think about what you want for your life and future.

No the brother got A pregnant, so Dad said marry B quickly and deny you got A pregnant, as he'd then be all married and respectful, I think

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 11/07/2022 22:07

Yes, worded badly I think. I was trying to say about how a friend of the same culture experienced her father trying to cover up her brothers “mistake”. Also, I really think people are taking my words literally and not taking in context when I’ve said that a worry would be my fertility in the future?? I’m not basing my decision off that at all …

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariposa3 · 11/07/2022 22:09

rhowton · 11/07/2022 20:57

Have an abortion and use reliable birth control.

I wouldn’t have picked this situation for myself, the best birth control would be celibacy, nothing is 100% :)

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 11/07/2022 22:10

Any chance he could take the child abroad and you’d be unable to get them back?

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