Really stuck on which path to go down - abortion*

[Mariposa3]

Hi,

I’m new here and not sure if I’m posting in the right place, I’m so sorry if it has reached somebody that it may really upset!

I an currently 6 weeks pregnant at the age of 21 with a guy who isn’t the best, we’ll put it that way.

Culturally we can never be together as his family won’t allow it (not religiously, culturally), so there is not a chance of it at all, not that I would really want there to be. It just makes the situation a lot harder as he would be unable to have anything to do with the baby he said as his family would disown him and he has to marry somebody they approve of from back home.

I already have had a termination in February which was the most awful experience, he told me to have it and with the things he said I felt that I had no other option. Since then it has eaten away at me and it has been awful to cope with mentally as it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. The guilt I have felt has been immense.

It feels like a massively irresponsible mistake to have let this happen again and not have been more careful (although I was taking the pill).

I made it very clear when I found out that he would have absolutely no input in my decision and I stood up for myself as I should have before.

He has since warmed to the idea of a baby but is adamant that he won’t have much to do with it at all due to his family and as he has just set up a business which is doing extremely well, he’s really busy. He has mentioned how once I have his baby I am his forever even if he moves on and marries somebody else and that I am “marked” by him and he doesn’t want his child around another man.

I have an extremely supportive family, but ultimately, I’m scared to be alone while he lives his life out with a wife from back home while I’m with his baby and completely unwanted because he would make sure it stayed that way. He’s also said no man would want me if I had his baby and that he would make sure they knew who he was.

I don’t think I could mentally go through an abortion again, but I’m really struggling to see how I will be happy if he uses my baby against me for the rest of my life to yo-yo us about. He would always use the baby against me and I know that he would.

I know that you can’t give any direct advice as it’s my choice ultimately, I just think I want to feel heard or like I have somebody to speak to where I can air out how I feel. I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading this far!

The child is clearly unwanted by the Dad. Wants to keep it secret from family. Says he'll give money but probably won't especially when he moves on to his 'nice wife' and legitimate kids.

She'd be single mother. Not part of a young couple.
No support from him. Relying entirely on her family to help her.
At just 21 she's early in her career so will probably struggle to pay childcare. And the rest of the bills.
If she's lucky family will help with childcare but then you can't really ask them to do essential childcare and babysit at the weekend.
A what point will Op be able to date, find a decent guy, have fun with friends?

Far too young to be saddled with that amount of baggage. And the abusive threats from him too.

I said if she was in a young couple or single, she'd be ok - but not with him. I said the same as you. Or what I was trying to get across.

It is fine to be a young mum, you can make things work. There are provisions. She has a great family. On another circumstance, keeping would be a lovely option.

Just not with this particular man. And Unwanted by the father... unpopular opinion, but that shouldn't sway the mother if she really wanted it. Family is more stable than depending on a man, regardless of age tbh. But he's beyond absent, he sounds like he'll be possessive of his child.

(Sorry, rambling)

Decide whether you want to have this baby, as a single mother.

Do not give his opinion any headspace.

Do you want this baby for you, or not?

If you don't want the baby, have a termination.

If you do want the baby, don't put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname.

Oh darling

you and your baby deserve better then him. You deserve better then being a dirty secret, as does your child. how would you explain step siblings to your child? Any financial disparity?
he does not deserve you.

there is genuinely no judgment from me if you cannot abort. However you are setting yourself and your child up for a lifetime of being second best, a dirty secret, manipulation and abuse. That’s not a good life for you, it’s not a good life for your child, it’s not a good life for your family who as supportive as they are, want the best for you and are left picking him the slack after this twat gets to dip in and out of parenting.

I really wouldn't have the baby. It's not as easy as saying, oh well just be a single mother and leave him behind. Things could get very nasty if he wants to be involved in the child's life.

This is an unfortunate situation given that you had a termination in February but you can't keep this baby because you feel guilty, or that you think it's wrong to have a second termination because it isn't.

You are only 21, that is so young! Don't make a hurried decision which you will have to live with for the next 18 yrs and beyond.

I think what you need to do is remove yourself completely from this man and not speak to him ever again. The only way you can do this is by not continuing with this pregnancy.

However, this is only my opinion. If you want to continue then that is obviously your choice. But please make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

This man seems/is abusive and controlling. It's not the babies fault. I'd have the baby and say bye bye to the man. He's controlling you. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Please do not damage your life. He is not going to stick around and is an abuser who will have accees to your child. You are only 21 and have a whole life ahead of you. Being a single mother is unbelievably hard especially at such a young age. I am a single mother at 35 and it is soo hard. You have soo much time to have a baby and a family. I would not have the baby and cut all ties with him. But at the end of a day, only you can make this decision.

I personally would not keep the baby and ensure I had literally no ties to this awful man at any point for the rest of my natural life.

If you choose to have the baby I’d cut him off completely I don’t think I’d even tell him I was pregnant

• he’s telling you who

he is and it’s not pleasant can you have the baby alone ? Do you have family support ? the financial means ? it’s hard but dooable

it’s nonsense to suggest no one else would want you- plenty of women move on to a new partner with a child already

OP, why shackle yourself to this mess for life? He sounds awful.

There is nothing sinful, immoral or sad abortion; miscarriages and medical abortions happen millions of times each month.

We owe it to society, our species and ourselves to only reproduce under optimal circumstances which includes having a loving, stable and committed co parent. That's far from the case here.

Do you think this man will actually want any involvement for then next 18 years though? Especially if he marries a girl from his own culture. I had a baby 'with' a man who was a complete waste of space. He's never been involved and actually I think I've had a far easier experience than many of my friends who have had present and crap men! You have a supportive family which is a very good start.

This guy seems like he's using you. I'd never say to someone have an abortion or don't have an abortion but please get rid of this guy. He's easing you about and will mess about the girl he will marry.

Thank you for your responses.

I am very aware that he would want to have his cake and eat it too, it just feels like another hard thing to go through - but then the rest of my life would be tied to him.

My family have insisted they would be like a dad to the baby and that I would never be alone, but I can’t stand the thought of being under his thumb 😕

Whatever you choose there will almost certainly be times when you regret it and times when you think 'thank goodness'. This is true of many decisions in life. Don't let fear of regret be too much of an influence.

If you have this baby and he knows, he can control so many aspects of yours and your babies life.
where you live (he can apply to the courts to prevent long distance moves), schools (parental responsibility means he has equal say on these)
even if you can take the baby abroad or not on holiday.

that’s before we get to the the abuse.

It’s great you have a supportive family op but don’t let them influence you too much over the decision which is yours and yours alone. It is good for you to know they have your back but the time for their support is once decision has been made really.

And thanks for your very kind comment down thread. My dds are at the stage they don’t really welcome my advice very much atm so your kind words mean a lot!

Wishing you all the very best x

Op your family are only seeing one side of him. Have you been as honest with them as you have been here, he is controlling you, his family wouldn't know, you wouldn't be allowed to be free of him, communication by text only.

Really the child would be his dirty little secret and no practical support. I bet he wouldn't even want to be on the birth cert.

Op you have to forget him. He will move on to his suitable wife and you'll be dumped left holding the baby. And when money becomes tight, you and your child will fall of the priority list.

Do you want to struggle financially and emotionally for the next 20 years?

Do you want to hang off, progress your career improve your job prospects. Meet Mr Right and have a family together?

Whats your dream for the next 5 years?

Op you are the same age as my neice, I'd hate to see her tied down with a baby, esp when the Dad doesn't want to know but is abusive and controlling. You most certainly deserve better.

Age is not the problem. The man is. If this was a man you liked and could coparent with, it would be different story. People have to be so negative about age, give it a rest, 21 is an adult, this is 2022, not 1952. The problem here is the man who could be interfering and controlling (or may just not care about the birth certificate or involvement at all).

You could be happy with someone in a relationship in 3, 5, 10 years and have children. It will still happen. Good luck with your decision.

I know. I think it’s a really intrusive thought I have as well but I am so scared that if this is my second abortion that I’ll be punished and won’t be fertile again and have more children or something would go wrong and I wouldn’t be able to have any in the future 🙁 I feel like nothing in this situation is healthy for me mentally

I really want to forget about him and as you have all said, the only way I can really is if I don’t continue

No. None of this is fair on you, whatever you decide. It’s not fair on you.

Nothing about it is healthy you are right.

Abortion isn't going to affect your future fertility. And clearly you are very fertile. You have twenty years in front of you to have a child in the right circumstances. Or at least not be someones second best dirty secret.

Have you spoken to a clinic or tried to arrange councilling sessions?

You won’t be punished. I can understand the thought process. If that’s how life worked, it would mean people deserve infertility, or deserve accidents, disability and shit luck.

you know rationally that’s not how life works.

if you have the abortion, make it count. Your doing it to start a new life, to get him out of yours. Don’t go back to him and be back in the same situation 6 months later. Make it count.

OP, thousands of women have multiple terminations without affecting their future fertility. Surgical termination is covered by antibiotic prophylaxis to safeguard against post op infection, and the cervix is only dilated to the minimum necessary to insert the aspirator. Medical termination is very low risk anyway.
It is sad that you refer to “punishment” - please don’t see it in these judgmental terms. You are doing nothing wrong, and choosing not to have a child in your circumstances is a mature, responsible decision, not some “sin”.