Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Really stuck on which path to go down - abortion*

128 replies

Mariposa3 · 09/07/2022 23:59

Hi,

I’m new here and not sure if I’m posting in the right place, I’m so sorry if it has reached somebody that it may really upset!

I an currently 6 weeks pregnant at the age of 21 with a guy who isn’t the best, we’ll put it that way.

Culturally we can never be together as his family won’t allow it (not religiously, culturally), so there is not a chance of it at all, not that I would really want there to be. It just makes the situation a lot harder as he would be unable to have anything to do with the baby he said as his family would disown him and he has to marry somebody they approve of from back home.

I already have had a termination in February which was the most awful experience, he told me to have it and with the things he said I felt that I had no other option. Since then it has eaten away at me and it has been awful to cope with mentally as it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. The guilt I have felt has been immense.

It feels like a massively irresponsible mistake to have let this happen again and not have been more careful (although I was taking the pill).

I made it very clear when I found out that he would have absolutely no input in my decision and I stood up for myself as I should have before.

He has since warmed to the idea of a baby but is adamant that he won’t have much to do with it at all due to his family and as he has just set up a business which is doing extremely well, he’s really busy. He has mentioned how once I have his baby I am his forever even if he moves on and marries somebody else and that I am “marked” by him and he doesn’t want his child around another man.

I have an extremely supportive family, but ultimately, I’m scared to be alone while he lives his life out with a wife from back home while I’m with his baby and completely unwanted because he would make sure it stayed that way. He’s also said no man would want me if I had his baby and that he would make sure they knew who he was.

I don’t think I could mentally go through an abortion again, but I’m really struggling to see how I will be happy if he uses my baby against me for the rest of my life to yo-yo us about. He would always use the baby against me and I know that he would.

I know that you can’t give any direct advice as it’s my choice ultimately, I just think I want to feel heard or like I have somebody to speak to where I can air out how I feel. I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading this far!

OP posts:
Penguinwaddles · 10/07/2022 08:23

Gosh, apologies, dreadful typo, my mistake

Abortion is not something to be taken lightly

Penguinwaddles · 10/07/2022 08:26

Oh dear, undertaken lightly.

Wishing you all the best op Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 10/07/2022 08:36

I wouldn't usually advise anyone to have an abortion unless there's a serious reason to do so (that's just me) but reading your post, I think this is a serious reason to have one.
He sounds like a vile, controlling prick and you would be forever tied to him.
So I would say, have an abortion, get counselling for the aftermath but ditch this loser.

Marchmount · 10/07/2022 08:47

You’re still so young. Have the abortion, block him and build a life for yourself. He sounds like a total asshole and you deserve better and to not be tied to him via a joint child for the rest of your life. You should get some therapy to work out why you have tolerated being treated so badly so you don’t go into another relationship with a man like that

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 10/07/2022 10:23

I do feel really stupid for allowing him to be in my life as it is but he is so good with his words when he tried to be “nice” but I know that it’s tactics. I believe them in the moment and then only after I think about how I shouldn’t have believed a word and need to back away, but he seems to always get me right back where he wants me. It does really scare me that he would feel he can do this for the rest of my life. Thank you so much for all of your responses so far!

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 10/07/2022 10:35

In your circumstances, I personally would not continue with the pregnancy.

But you’re not me, OP, and I’m not you.

Abortion is such an emotive and divisive issue that you’re going to get a lot of very heartfelt and earnest opinions either way, which probably won’t really help you to make your decision.

But ultimately, it is YOUR decision, and nobody else’s.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 10/07/2022 10:56

You need to work out with your family how you can raise the baby without this man in your life. This has to be a decision you make and you need to look at your support system, money and work. Many women have done it. It's not easy. Your decisions cannot be around this man. He has got to go.

Penguinwaddles · 10/07/2022 10:57

I believe them in the moment and then only after I think about how I shouldn’t have believed a word and need to back away, but he seems to always get me right back where he wants me. It does really scare me that he would feel he can do this for the rest of my life

Op please , please, you cannot allow him this level of agency over your life.

Have a look at the freedom programme (there is an online course)

Read some books by Lundy Bancroft and educate yourself.

He is not a good man and you deserve so much more Flowers

I don't want to sound patronising but, at the age of 21, you may not realise your own power yet. Whichever decision you make about the child, you must get away from the man.

Dinoteeth · 10/07/2022 15:11

Op he's a charmer, knows what to say to keep you sweet but doesn't really mean it. You know you have no future with him.
He would be a nightmare to co-parent with getting maintenance out of him.

Op I'm 100% prochoice. Some posters on here I've thought keeping the baby would be better for the poster but for you and being so young in such an abusive relationship I really think you'd be better without those ties in your life.

Craftybodger · 10/07/2022 15:20

I’m all for choice but he sounds horrendous. For both you and your foetus not continuing with the pregnancy sounds the safest option. Whatever you decide please make a new life without him.

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 10/07/2022 17:00

Money wise he has said that he would support financially but only if I provide receipts to him by text as he wouldn’t send an amount every month he said. If I did have to go through the system, he 100% doesn’t declare properly what he earns and he is on a lot and doing very well for himself, I see his books when I visit the shop. Either way it will be very hard for me

OP posts:
Original poster
Mariposa3 · 10/07/2022 17:01

@Penguinwaddles you sound just like a mother figure! Your children are very lucky to have you 🥰

Everybody is so nice, thank you so much

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 10/07/2022 22:51

@Mariposa3, He'll send money for a while then stop, something else will be his priority. He'll deny the child is his. Op I really wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him.

You really will be left holding the baby.

Beefcurtains79 · 11/07/2022 06:06

He will have kids with his new wife and you’ll never hear from him again, unless it’s to threaten you if you dare ask for cash.

Hercisback · 11/07/2022 06:13

He won't give you a penny.

End the relationship with him now.

I would have an abortion as being tied to this idiot for the next 18 years is not a good prospect.

BoJoGoGo · 11/07/2022 07:36

My first thoughts were have the baby and be prepared to go it alone but now I’ve thought more I don’t think you would ever be completely free of him. You could move away with the baby and you there is always the chance he knocks at the door shouting all this ‘you are mine’ crap. Or the chance he talks you round and after a moment of weakness you become pregnant again.
Honestly I would have the abortion and then take some time for yourself before getting involved in another relationship.

BoJoGoGo · 11/07/2022 07:37

He will not support you financially.

user1471538283 · 11/07/2022 07:41

You can only go with your heart. But if you were mine I would want you to seriously consider an abortion, get completely free of him and work on yourself so you choose better next time.

I do not believe that he will actively make life difficult for you but having the baby will be difficult. You will be, as I was, completely unsupported.

Jellycatspyjamas · 11/07/2022 08:07

Money wise he has said that he would support financially but only if I provide receipts to him by text as he wouldn’t send an amount every month he said.

This is just another way of him exerting control over every aspect of your life - he’ll argue the toss with every receipt and won’t be sending you any money. Only you can make a decision about termination but do think about whether you want a tie to this man, he’s telling you now how your life will be if you do.

I believe them in the moment and then only after I think about how I shouldn’t have believed a word and need to back away, but he seems to always get me right back where he wants me.

Stop communicating with him, stay away, don’t go to his shop or wherever he turns up - you can’t believe what you don’t hear. This man doesn’t want anything good for you. He’ll marry his acceptable wife and try to continue with you as a bit on the side - you deserve so much more.

If you do continue your pregnancy you won’t be “marked” by him, there’s every chance of finding a good man and forming a new family unit - but he’s telling you now he’ll make that difficult for you. So get away from him by whatever means necessary.

MooseBreath · 11/07/2022 08:37

As you've previously had a termination and are feeling regret, I would say that you should carry on with this pregnancy, assuming you have supportive family and friends. That said, this guy sounds horribly abusive and should not be involved whatsoever.

I would cut contact with him completely now. Don't tell him your decision about whether to abort or keep the baby. As far as you're concerned, he is not the father. I would even consider getting a restraining order if he doesn't take well to the end of your relationship.

ZeppelinTits · 11/07/2022 08:40

In your shoes I would try and access some counselling quickly (in the next few days) to help me get my thoughts straight. This man sounds abusive and as though you would never be free of him. It all seems hypothetical now, but the reality that you may have a child and he then takes that child abroad and you never see your baby again is a very hard thought, and probably not something I would ever risk happening. You never stop loving your child or worrying about them once they are born, and having a kid with someone like this pretty much guarantees you will be worrying about the safety and wellbeing (mentally or otherwise) of that child forever. There are personally very few circumstances in which I'd have an abortion, but this situation is one of them. I hope you find a path that is the right one for you, whatever you decide. Flowers

Babdoc · 11/07/2022 08:50

OP, your decision to terminate last time was the correct one. And nothing has changed this time. You still have the same abusive partner who will never be a good father and who had threatened you.
You are only 21. Don’t saddle yourself with an unwanted child, tying you into financial dependence on a coercive controlling abuser for the next 18 years.
Make the same sensible decision you did last time - terminate the pregnancy, ditch this vile man, block him completely, and give yourself time to grow up before seeking a loving partnership with a good man who will be a decent husband and father. You deserve so much better than this current nightmare.

starduste · 11/07/2022 08:57

Don’t saddle yourself with an unwanted child, tying you into financial dependence on a coercive controlling abuser for the next 18 years.

How is a child unwanted if the parents chooses to keep it? Unplanned- unwanted would be if she was forced by him to keep (even then, still not necessarily unloved).

If not for this man, I'd say keep. But you've had an abortion already with this bloke, I think you know it's not great. You could absolutely do well as a single mother/young couple since you have a very supportive family, but there's nothing good with this guy. He will just cause trouble.

There will be things you don't see down there line until you're there. If you keep, you can do it, but this man sounds bad... hold off for a few years and keep the goal to be a mum in the back of your mind.

anon2022anon · 11/07/2022 09:08

Gosh, 18+ years of someone controlling you with money, threats of violence, threats of violence on anyone you fall for, of a child having a 'dad' that won't be a father but will inflict control on them, they will be second best to dad's 'real' family, of not being able to move on? And at 21 when you've got EVERYTHING in front of you?

I 100% wouldn't have a baby in this situation. Because it would be bad for you, but it would also put a baby in a bad situation where you don't have any control. Because it would be so hard to have the termination in that situation, but not as hard as you and that child would have it for years to come. And I could live with putting myself in that situation, but not knowingly put a child in a situation where they would suffer for a lot of years.

So I guess my answer would be unless you were prepared to move away, not tell him where, and be 100% independent in that situation, it would be crazy to put a baby into a lifetime of unhappiness.

Cadot · 11/07/2022 09:11

Whatever you do, ditch this guy. You are worth so much more than this.