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Original poster

Really stuck on which path to go down - abortion*

128 replies

Mariposa3 · 09/07/2022 23:59

Hi,

I’m new here and not sure if I’m posting in the right place, I’m so sorry if it has reached somebody that it may really upset!

I an currently 6 weeks pregnant at the age of 21 with a guy who isn’t the best, we’ll put it that way.

Culturally we can never be together as his family won’t allow it (not religiously, culturally), so there is not a chance of it at all, not that I would really want there to be. It just makes the situation a lot harder as he would be unable to have anything to do with the baby he said as his family would disown him and he has to marry somebody they approve of from back home.

I already have had a termination in February which was the most awful experience, he told me to have it and with the things he said I felt that I had no other option. Since then it has eaten away at me and it has been awful to cope with mentally as it wasn’t something that I wanted to do. The guilt I have felt has been immense.

It feels like a massively irresponsible mistake to have let this happen again and not have been more careful (although I was taking the pill).

I made it very clear when I found out that he would have absolutely no input in my decision and I stood up for myself as I should have before.

He has since warmed to the idea of a baby but is adamant that he won’t have much to do with it at all due to his family and as he has just set up a business which is doing extremely well, he’s really busy. He has mentioned how once I have his baby I am his forever even if he moves on and marries somebody else and that I am “marked” by him and he doesn’t want his child around another man.

I have an extremely supportive family, but ultimately, I’m scared to be alone while he lives his life out with a wife from back home while I’m with his baby and completely unwanted because he would make sure it stayed that way. He’s also said no man would want me if I had his baby and that he would make sure they knew who he was.

I don’t think I could mentally go through an abortion again, but I’m really struggling to see how I will be happy if he uses my baby against me for the rest of my life to yo-yo us about. He would always use the baby against me and I know that he would.

I know that you can’t give any direct advice as it’s my choice ultimately, I just think I want to feel heard or like I have somebody to speak to where I can air out how I feel. I just don’t know what to do.

Thank you for reading this far!

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 11/07/2022 22:36

Right I've got you, the Dad wanted the brother to get his 'respectable' wife so he was a married man and could deny all knowledge. Leaving the pregnant girl literally holding the baby.

I do note that these types of males would never use one of there own females as a cheap shag before marriage. The culture just wouldn't allow it but western girls seem like fair game.

However you need to think what you want. Abortion is not going to affect your future fertility or ability to have children in the future.

I'd try and get a councilling session booked for this week. You need to decide what is right for you.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/07/2022 23:51

Dinoteeth · 11/07/2022 22:36

Right I've got you, the Dad wanted the brother to get his 'respectable' wife so he was a married man and could deny all knowledge. Leaving the pregnant girl literally holding the baby.

I do note that these types of males would never use one of there own females as a cheap shag before marriage. The culture just wouldn't allow it but western girls seem like fair game.

However you need to think what you want. Abortion is not going to affect your future fertility or ability to have children in the future.

I'd try and get a councilling session booked for this week. You need to decide what is right for you.

Sorry do you have inside knowledge on the ‘culture’? speaking as a woman, the women/girls young underage girls from the same culture are being used but they can’t actually tell anyone about it as there are all sorts of risks from the community, honour linked crimes etc so men sometimes actually prefer to prey on these women as they know word will never get out and even if it did, they wouldn’t be believed and their own lives will be worse so get your facts right. They will trap whoever takes their fancy and women from their own culture are often silenced and sent away while the man carries on living respectably in the community.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/07/2022 23:52

How can a ‘culture’ not allow something? You are very sheltered to think you know what goes on in other cultures and what happens to many women by men who use and abuse them.

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/07/2022 23:55

I mean back when I was at school I knew three girls who went and had more than one abortion due to pressure from the guy to abort. These girls were all from the same culture as the man. As long as the men don’t view you as family (mother, sister cousin etc) you are fair game. Just putting it out there for anyone who thinks only white western women gets used and dumped by men from certain cultures.

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 12/07/2022 00:55

TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 11/07/2022 23:55

I mean back when I was at school I knew three girls who went and had more than one abortion due to pressure from the guy to abort. These girls were all from the same culture as the man. As long as the men don’t view you as family (mother, sister cousin etc) you are fair game. Just putting it out there for anyone who thinks only white western women gets used and dumped by men from certain cultures.

Thank you! It’s easy to trash people and say I’m being used but lots don’t know the unspoken reality of so many people who just aren’t able to escape the abuse or speak up! The manipulation and power they can have over someone is immense, it’s easy to say I’m stupid for sticking around or even seeing him and I agree it should have stopped, but it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when people won’t support you but will just trash talk you and patronise instead. They make themselves so believable

OP posts:
TooTiredToSleepRightNow · 12/07/2022 01:26

Mariposa3 · 12/07/2022 00:55

Thank you! It’s easy to trash people and say I’m being used but lots don’t know the unspoken reality of so many people who just aren’t able to escape the abuse or speak up! The manipulation and power they can have over someone is immense, it’s easy to say I’m stupid for sticking around or even seeing him and I agree it should have stopped, but it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when people won’t support you but will just trash talk you and patronise instead. They make themselves so believable

Show quote history

Exactly I hear you. My traumatic experiences have only been with men from my own culture, from being groomed to threatened they will ruin me etc it’s sometimes easy to get sucked in by these men as they’re master con artists they’ve been doing it all their lives hiding things and lying and having the male privilege in the community on top makes them feel so entitled. Girls from my culture have this pressure to get married so these men know what things to say to act like they’re serious but deep down they know they’ll get away with it because the girls they pick won’t be directly inside the close knit community it’ll be the ones with weak links but the wrath they suffer won’t be any less. It’s a Madonna whore complex where as long as you’re not acting innocent like their sisters and other family they can do as they please with you because you asked for it. They’re disgusting and carry on getting away with it.

heartbroken22 · 12/07/2022 01:55

This guy seems like he's using you to kill time before he has to get married from back home. I assume you're white...what culture is he from? If it wasn't you it might be someone else but don't let him treat you like this. How would his family react if he was found out? Why can't he stick up for you? He's horrible in every way. I'd pack my bags and run. How did you meet?

Dinoteeth · 12/07/2022 07:18

@TooTiredToSleepRightNow sorry if I've offended you. I didn't realise it could be so bad for their own too.

Op how are you feeling today? Are you still seeing him?

underneaththeash · 12/07/2022 07:49

I was in a very similar situation in my early 20's, unsuitable boyfriend, new career and I decided that I did not want an abortion nor was I mature enough to look after another person and I was going to give the baby up for adoption.

However, my situation was very different.

I was much more pregnant (over 12 weeks). You only have a little baked bean at the moment, it's not a baby.

Abortion tablets weren't available

My unsuitable boyfriend wasn't an arsehole. You'd need to move areas to get away from him.

I'd have the abortion and dump the bloke and start tracking your cycle - you're clearly very fertile and either need to use condoms as well as the pill or avoid having sex on your most fertile days.

Beefcurtains79 · 12/07/2022 09:24

Mariposa3 · 12/07/2022 00:55

Thank you! It’s easy to trash people and say I’m being used but lots don’t know the unspoken reality of so many people who just aren’t able to escape the abuse or speak up! The manipulation and power they can have over someone is immense, it’s easy to say I’m stupid for sticking around or even seeing him and I agree it should have stopped, but it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when people won’t support you but will just trash talk you and patronise instead. They make themselves so believable

Show quote history

Who is not supporting you though? Only him and his family (if they ever find out) Your family sound supportive, and so are the posters on here being.
He’s never going to want this baby, or indeed, you and that’s the deeply unpleasant reality of the situation.
I’m sorry but he told you this when you first got pregnant a few months ago and he’s telling you again now.
The definition of madness is repeating the same behaviour and expecting a different result. He won’t change, and he won’t ever want a baby, or a public long term relationship with you.

Dinoteeth · 12/07/2022 10:26

People are supporting you. Who's trying to trash talking you.

We can all see he's using you, and will discard you like a bit of trash. You are not and never will be his long term future.

You are worth more than that.
You sound lovely and caring. Your Mr Right is out there.
This guy is definitely not your Mr Right, he's love bombed, used and abused you. Please don't continue to let him abuse you.

I don't know what your work / uni situation is, but if you want to physically distance yourself from him now is a good time to look for hotel work - at the other end of the country - with accommodation thrown in!

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 15/07/2022 16:34

I have made the decision not to continue. In the ideal world it would all be sunshine and rainbows where I would continue and have no stress at all but you have all helped me face the reality that my life will be so so hard.

As hard as it may be facing the emotions of this and the guilt, it may be a bit easier than a lifetime of him.

Thank you for all of your advice x

OP posts:
BoJoGoGo · 15/07/2022 16:45

I wish you all the best for your future life x

Anothernamechangeplease · 15/07/2022 17:01

OP, I hope that you will be fully at peace with your decision, both now and in the future. Always remember that you have considered your options very carefully, and you have made the best possible decision that you can in the circumstances that you're in and with the information that you have right now.Flowers

DrDetriment · 15/07/2022 17:08

You have done what is right for you. Every best wish for the future OP x

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 15/07/2022 17:16

Thank you. I feel slightly numb to be honest. I’ve told him where to go though x

OP posts:
Robin198 · 15/07/2022 17:22

I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this. The decision regarding the baby is only yours to make but please leave him regardless of whatever you choose. You deserve to be loved and respected.

Poppyblush · 15/07/2022 17:30

You’re making the right decision. Suggest you ditch him for good this time.

Dinoteeth · 15/07/2022 17:43

@Mariposa3 you're making the right decision. And we'll done telling him where to go.
You're very young (I know your don't think you are) but you have barely started adulthood.
I wish you all the very best for your future

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 15/07/2022 22:56

Was it really selfish of me to do this? I’m having some cramping and starting to feel the guilt

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 15/07/2022 23:59

No it wasn't selfish at all. It wouldn't have been a good life for you or the child.
Hope you feel physically better soon

Are you able to access a councillor

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 16/07/2022 00:02

Honestly, I think you've done the right thing. I would have done the same in your shoes.

Big hugs.

Pinklimey · 16/07/2022 00:23

Big hugs. Its hard, and I wish you all the best in finding someone more worthy of your time and energies.

TiaraBoo · 16/07/2022 00:26

I don’t think it’s selfish either. i think I would have chosen to do the same. It’s not a life I’d want for my child and at 21, you have time to live your life and enjoy it, and find a good partner. Sending you hugs, strength and best wishes for the future.

Original poster
Mariposa3 · 16/07/2022 00:49

Thank you all ❤️ the support and reassurance helps a lot x

OP posts: