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Original poster

HELP - operation next week but DH's mum is dying

116 replies

DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 08:14

I have a hysterectomy scheduled for next Tuesday. It's already been postponed twice - first time, they moved it. Second time, I got Covid the week before.

My DH has booked time off to look after me and it's all fixed.

Except last night, at midnight, he got a call to say his mum is in hospital and not expected to last the night. He's been with her all night and she's hanging on but is really ill (she's 94) and not expected to make it.

My operation could NOT be at a worse time! He'll need me. There'll be a funeral, clearing out her things, all the grief. And I'll be laid up in bed for a month at least.

What should I do? If I tell my consultant what's happening, will they be able to move my operation..?

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 06/07/2022 08:16

You should go ahead. Who knows when you’ll get it done otherwise. It’s unfortunate but you’ll make it work together.

Your husband won’t want you to cancel, surely?

Afterfire · 06/07/2022 08:17

Poor you! I don’t think it could hurt to ring the hospital and speak to them and see what they could do given the circumstances. How urgent is the hysterectomy? Can you afford to postpone it? As sad as it is for your dh your health has to be a priority.

SparklingPeach · 06/07/2022 08:18

I think I would go ahead with the operation as you've been waiting for so long. Would DH understand?

Jofergo · 06/07/2022 08:20

Of course they can postpone it.
i think unless it was cancer surgery I probably would.

The post death period can be really hard.

AquaticSewingMachine · 06/07/2022 08:22

It's shit for him, but... I think he will have to find a way to cope.

This is one of these scenarios where I don't think any man would consider delaying his own, needed and much-delayed healthcare. If you voluntarily delay your operation now, I would expect it will be a long time before the chance comes again.

alphasox · 06/07/2022 08:24

I know it’s not the same but we had a similar situation with a parental illness and eventual death, at a time we had Covid whipping through the house and then one of us had an accident and was laid up in bed recovering. We just managed, because you have to.

ImprobablePuffin · 06/07/2022 08:27

I would go ahead with the operation. Yes the timing isn't ideal but life will keep happening so get it over and done with.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 06/07/2022 08:29

Your DH has taken the week off to look after you, so it sounds like he’s a kind and caring husband. Have the op, you obviously need it to have got an op in the first place. It’s not going to do your DH any favours if you are struggling and continue to struggle by cancelling the op.

There’s a number of ways you can support him without being mobile, make calls for him, help with funeral prep or just listen to him. He might find having something else to focus on helps. House clearance can wait, it doesn’t need to be done straight away. I would probably get some ready meals in like Cook, you’ll both need to eat but if DH isn’t up to cooking then he can just put one of the meals in for you both. If he finds it hard to fit the housework in while sorting his mum’s stuff then get a cleaner in for a short time but he might find the distraction a good thing.

BotCrossHuns · 06/07/2022 08:29

I think I'd try to go through with the operation if you can, and perhaps arrange some help from friends or your family if possible, to help you around the house and things. Your DH already has time off, which will help hiim, and you can still spend time together even if you're laid up. Often things like funerals don't happen for a couple of weeks, and clearing out her things and making arrangements like that could well be even longer, by which point you might be starting to feel stronger. It depends on the reason/urgency of the operation of course, but I think I'd be wary of postponing in case it ended up months from now or longer - signs of future covid waves taking up hospital resources, bigger chance of catching covid again before the op, etc.

PurpleDaisies · 06/07/2022 08:30

*This is one of these scenarios where I don't think any man would consider delaying his own, needed and much-delayed healthcare.

Absolutely this.

DecimatedDreams · 06/07/2022 08:32

Laid up in bed for a month?! What on earth are they doing to you?

Original poster

DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 08:33

It's a total abdominal hysterectomy. You're not allowed to do anything for a month at least. "Don't lift anything heavier than a cup of tea."

Normally I'd welcome a chance to be lazy! But this is the worst timing.

OP posts:

SouthOfFrance · 06/07/2022 08:35

Have the operation. You won't be laid up in bed for 6 weeks, after the first few of days you'll be more mobile enough to sit around, be there for him, make phone calls etc. You don't bave to clear out the house straight away either.

BergamotandLime · 06/07/2022 08:36

I am currently recovering vertical laparotomy two weeks ago. I'm definitely not laid up in bed for a month despite having a wound which stretches from pubic area to above my belly button. I've waited two years for this op and wouldn't have postponed it. I can do light household chores, wiping down worktops, making lunch etc, I do tire easily but unless you've got small children, it will be ok. Just don't stop painkillers too soon. Do you know what kind of incision the surgeon plans to use?

motogirl · 06/07/2022 08:36

Your operation matters more, funerals can be delayed (6 weeks isn't uncommon) and unless it's a council property you can take your time clearing it. (If it's a council property you could rent a storage unit and get movers to put personal effects there until he can make his way through them.

Sniffypete · 06/07/2022 08:37

Go ahead with the op. Your health is a priority. I know that sounds mean, but you need to put yourself first.

Fuuuuuckit · 06/07/2022 08:38

Having dealt with the aftermath of a very unexpected parental death recently whilst trying to work f/t, run my own house and single-parent 2 dc, I think there is so much you can do to support your dh whilst recovering from your op.

Phone calls, sorting paperwork, sorting out funeral stuff can all be done from a bed or chair. Getting easy food in will help you both at this time, no pressure at all to hurry things or to squeeze planning a funeral around your normal life.

I do understand where you are coming from op but I'd think very very hard about the effect that cancelling your op will have on you.

Original poster

DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 08:39

Thanks so much for all the comments so far. I can definitely get a cleaner and lean on my friends to help.

I wouldn't be able to go to the funeral with him. I hate the thought of that.

If she died today, her funeral will be probably next week or the week after, so I'll either be in hospital still or on bed rest at home. There's no way I could go. You're not allowed to do anything because you're healing inside. Overdoing it can lead to all kinds of complications.

He's such a rock, he'll find a way to cope. He's like a machine and incredibly stoic. I feel I'm letting him down! I know I'm not but I married him because I wanted us to support each other through everything.

It'll be the school holidays and my teenage sons will be home. I guess technically they can help me? I'm sure they'd rally in a crisis.

OP posts:

Pepperama · 06/07/2022 08:39

Covid spreading again will put new pressure on hospitals over the next few months. I’d keep the appointment even though I understand how rubbish the timing is

ImWithSuperman · 06/07/2022 08:43

I would go ahead with the operation without hesitation. I know my partner would want me too as well. If you are having a hysterectomy, then there will be very necessary reasons.

If her things need clearing so quickly, he can do it around caring for you, possibly get help from someone/somewhere else. The grief, you’ll still be around to listen and comfort him when your pain is under control. If you can’t make it to the funeral, he will cope.

Your health is a priority too and the operation has already been delayed. For me, her age would also be a deciding factor. She’s 94, it’s very sad for your husband but it’s not the sort of shocking event that results in an overwhelming inability to cope for most people. I don’t mean that as hard as it sounds.

Sorry that you’re having to deal with it all at once though. 💐

dudsville · 06/07/2022 08:44

I just ran this scenario past my OH as i wondered about the comments that no man would cancel their surgery. I gave neutral details, one partner having a needed but not emergency surgery that had already been cancelled once, the other partner suddenly expecting the death of a parent. On first thinking through, he said the surgery can be postponed but not the death, organising and grieving part, so that would take priority.

On further review however, he thought more practically, his word. His parents are quite old. If i was in hospital he could manage both because of how closely we live to them. BUT, if it was a death of my parent and his surgery, because of the distance he would have to postpone his surgery.

Then we went on to realise the biggest hurdle for us would be the care of our dogs!

Lots of variables OP. Your own case won't be cut and dried. Talk between you.

chesterelly1 · 06/07/2022 08:45

There will still be a lot you can do to support. Sometimes just being present is enough. How wide a family network do you have? Does DH have siblings to take on some of the responsibilities. Do you have DC old enough to even do things like make simple meals?
I think if you're suffering and have already endured postponements no one would blame you for going ahead, least of all your DH, the initial period when there's lots to do to occupy body and mind can be easier than the long term ime. That's when he may need you fighting fit to prop him up.

linenalltheway · 06/07/2022 08:49

So difficult for you all. Is he an only child OP?

I would have the surgery

Recycledblonde · 06/07/2022 08:52

It is unlikely the funeral will be so soon, my FIL died last week and the earliest date possible for the funeral is the end of July, one of his friends died three weeks ago and the funeral (just a simple service at the crem) is in 2 weeks time. Even if she dies today you're probably looking at at least 3 weeks to a month
I don't know anyone who has managed to get one organised in a week or two unless they are part of a culture which insists on funerals within 24 hours.

linenalltheway · 06/07/2022 08:53

Also I think you're imagining worst case scenarios, he probably won't need to clear her things immediately and you wont need him with you 24/7 for a month.

Do you have any family or friends that can help you (as opposed to him) if this happened to my friend and her DH I would be helping with meals and chores x

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