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Original poster

HELP - operation next week but DH's mum is dying

116 replies

DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 08:14

I have a hysterectomy scheduled for next Tuesday. It's already been postponed twice - first time, they moved it. Second time, I got Covid the week before.

My DH has booked time off to look after me and it's all fixed.

Except last night, at midnight, he got a call to say his mum is in hospital and not expected to last the night. He's been with her all night and she's hanging on but is really ill (she's 94) and not expected to make it.

My operation could NOT be at a worse time! He'll need me. There'll be a funeral, clearing out her things, all the grief. And I'll be laid up in bed for a month at least.

What should I do? If I tell my consultant what's happening, will they be able to move my operation..?

I

OP posts:
JimmyShoo · 06/07/2022 09:48

I would go ahead. If your MIL passes then a lot of the immediate arrangements are phone calls. It would probably be harder to have you out of action in the months ahead rather than now.

Whitehorsegirl · 06/07/2022 09:50

Don't postpone.

You need to have your operation.

You don't want to risk having it cancelled again (especially as Covid numbers seem to be rising) if you postpone and continue to jeopardise your health for weeks or months.

It might sound harsh but to me the health of the living is more important than anything else.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 06/07/2022 09:51

Please do not postpone your operation.

averythinline · 06/07/2022 09:52

My mil died last year in October and we're only just clearing the jouse now as had to wait for probate! I took time off end of October and it was a bit of waste really as too early to get much done..

Did some phoning around but most wanted to speak to executer....but I did do some of the online notifications..

Have the op better to be well to support DH in the longer term ...and yes ask for help!

Idontgiveashitanymore · 06/07/2022 09:53

Please don’t postpone it. You can be there for him emotionally. It’s a hard time for you both but you will work it out.

Cocowatermelon · 06/07/2022 10:00

I think it might be strangely good timing to keep the operation as it is OP.
Think about it - you both have extended time off booked so you don’t need to worry about staying on top of things at work while trying to arrange a funeral and all the end-of-life paperwork that happens. Yes, you will need to take it easy physically, and you will not be involved in clearing out the house, but you have other family for that. (Teenage/young adult sons sound like perfect people to rope into a day or two of moving boxes, although I guess this lady is not their grandmother so they may or may not know her well?).
If you’re worried about not being able to stand at the funeral, then don’t. People with mobility challenges go to funerals all the time. Funeral directors will be used to it. Call a week before the funeral happens and ask them about seating and whatever else you need to be comfortable when the time comes.

Onthegrid · 06/07/2022 10:12

Hi OP, I have had a total abdominal hysterectomy and whilst the recovery is slow, I did not spend a month in bed. I was quite unwell before the op, unfit, and did take it very slow, but I got up every day and sat on the sofa, went for short walks as advised.
In your situation I would be inclined to go ahead as a postponement is likely to be months not weeks. You will be able to support your DH and do some admin and as others have suggested if the funeral is delayed as most are currently you should be able to attend.

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/07/2022 10:15

Please go ahead with your operation. The way things are, it could be many months before they reschedule.
you may find that your husband having to focus on you for a while will actually help him through this difficult time.

imperialminty · 06/07/2022 10:22

AquaticSewingMachine · 06/07/2022 08:22

It's shit for him, but... I think he will have to find a way to cope.

This is one of these scenarios where I don't think any man would consider delaying his own, needed and much-delayed healthcare. If you voluntarily delay your operation now, I would expect it will be a long time before the chance comes again.

I just have to jump in here and say this is categorically not true. My fiancé did just this when my Dad was dying.

OP I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.

Cocolapew · 06/07/2022 10:27

Stay off Hyersisters it's ridiculous scaremongering.

ShippingNews · 06/07/2022 10:35

DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 08:33

It's a total abdominal hysterectomy. You're not allowed to do anything for a month at least. "Don't lift anything heavier than a cup of tea."

Normally I'd welcome a chance to be lazy! But this is the worst timing.

It's true that you can't lift anything heavy, but there is no way you'll be in bed for a month. I had the same op and I was up and about within a few days, home and quite mobile after a week. My husband did things like hanging up the washing, etc, but I was quite capable of doing non-lifting jobs . I was back at work within a month, not still languishing in bed . That old saying about not lifting anything heavier than a cup of tea, makes it sound a lot more dramatic than it really is.

In your situation I'd still have the op, and your DH can deal with the situation with his mother. After a person dies, there is not any great urgency about things like cleaning the house , etc , that can be left until someone is ready to do it.

GandTfortea · 06/07/2022 10:45

I don’t think you should postpone it
you need to go ahead .
put yourself first ,they would not be doing this operation if you didn’t need it

Quartz2208 · 06/07/2022 10:50

Apart from the funeral (which is a lot of calling) there isnt much that needs to be done. The clearing out etc can wait - my Nan died in January 2020 - we finally got to sell and clear the flat out February this year!

You can still support him emotionally

itsgettingweird · 06/07/2022 10:51

I had a hysterectomy last Tuesday. (Laparoscopic).

Mine was prosponed as my mum dies and her funeral was a week after the surgery date. Hospital really understood.

They offered me another date a few weeks later and were really careful to offer it to me rather than give it and expect me to cancel. I took it.

It does say about refusing certain amount of dates but there also says without good reason.

I could have gone to the funeral a week after surgery if I'd have recovered as well as I have - but wouldn't have risked it.

Ring the hospital and explain. This isn't a usual situation and you couldn't have done anything about covid either.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 10:53

You're all so lovely - I can't thank you all enough for all your supportive words and advice.

Have managed to speak to DH (he's at the hospital) and he said not to cancel it, and that we'll get through everything together.

I like the idea of focusing on making things easy for us all here at home.

I've had two C-sections and yes, I was definitely up and about much earlier than they said I would be. I was even driving at 3 weeks (with my Dr's blessing). But I was in my 30s. Sadly, I am no longer in my 30s. But I'm sure it'll be fine.

THANK YOU ALL.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 06/07/2022 11:00

If you have a 19 yr old at home, I definitely wouldnt cancel. In my experience sons can be wonderful at stepping up and helping when they are needed. Sit down nd have a chat with him about taking on the cooking and laundry (you say you have found a cleaner) and ask how the two of you can set it up so that he can take over those roles and free up his Dad and look after you.

DasGirl · 06/07/2022 11:02

I'm sorry to hear about your DHs motherFlowers

Funerals definitely can be delayed OP.
My dear Aunt died in spring 2021 and my cousin delayed the funeral until almost 4 weeks after she died.

That allowed for an easing of restrictions so were able to have more than 20 people at the funeral.

By 2 or 3 weeks post surgery you will hopefully be fit enough to attend.

Bunnylover1961 · 06/07/2022 11:37

I am single, with no family, and managed mostly on my own after my hysterectomy. It was laparoscopic which I think means recovery is easier but I was nowhere near as incapacitated as I had been warned I would be. The pain was less severe too - and I have a very low pain threshold.

I had to do things for myself as there was no-one else to do them - friends did pop in after work every couple of days but other than that I was on my own. I didn't drive for six weeks but that was more because of my car insurance policy than because I couldn't.

What I hadn't allowed for was the dip in my mental health. I was on anti-depressants anyway but I had periods of being tearful and then of being very angry, while my hormones were sorting themselves out. I think I would have found that easier to accept if I had been prepared for it.

HelenMirrensWeightedBlanket · 06/07/2022 12:06

I had a very complex abdominal hysterectomy 3 weeks ago. The op took 7 hours and I had to have 3 blood transfusions. I was in hospital for 6 days.

Other than not lifting anything heavy, I’m back to normal. I’m back at work full time. I walked 2 miles on Monday and went out for dinner last night.

Lying in bed for a month will put your recovery back - you need to walk to prevent blood clots and get your body working again.

You won’t be able to go to the funeral a week after the op, but you will if it’s two weeks later (and assuming you can sit down). You won’t be able to do any heavy lifting during the clearing out, but you can make phone calls, go through paperwork, etc. I think it’s a question of working out what you can do and setting boundaries.

Also - if your DP has got that call while you were being operated on, you’d have both had to cope. It won’t be easy but it’s do-able.

Original poster
DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 12:06

In my experience sons can be wonderful at stepping up and helping when they are needed.

I bet this is true. They're both amazing boys but I have failed at teaching them anything about housework. I guess this is the perfect opportunity.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoingJustFine · 06/07/2022 12:11

I had a very complex abdominal hysterectomy 3 weeks ago. The op took 7 hours and I had to have 3 blood transfusions. I was in hospital for 6 days.

Omg you poor thing - that sounds incredibly tough. Did any of you know beforehand that it would end up being so complex? Three blood transfusions.. Oh you poor love. Are you (weird question) a redhead? I am and apparently we bleed a lot more.

Other than not lifting anything heavy, I’m back to normal. I’m back at work full time. I walked 2 miles on Monday and went out for dinner last night.

Easy there tiger! I know my flat-out-for-year strategy might be a bit too lazy Blush this sounds like you're doing a LOT. Please don't strain those internal stitches or I'll see you on Hystersisters starting threads like, "Whoops - I just slipped on my cervical cuff when it fell out"

OP posts:
poorbuthappy · 06/07/2022 12:12

6 weeks is usual round here for funerals at the moment.

AmIOverReacting20 · 06/07/2022 12:17

Definitely don't cancel! She might rally and have a few more weeks or months and then you might end up in exactly the same position in a few months time.

Your 19yo is old enough to cook and clean (and if he doesn't know how to do something he can easily google it). Is your 19yo close to DH's mother? If he's not then that makes it an even easier decision.

SeaToSki · 06/07/2022 12:25

Also, from someone who had a laproscopic hysterectomy…they sometimes inflate you with gas to see what is where in the cavity (dont know if they do this with abdominal). For the first few days afterwards my shoulders were the most painful bit as the gas was making its way out of the body. I found heating pads were the best thing for helping with that. I got a microwave neck and shoulder wrap shaped one and just lived with it draped over me (in between getting my teenage sons to re heat it for me and bring cups of tea/snacks and occasionally sit down and chat about how they were surprised at how much time and forethought it took to run the house 🤣. Imagine, you had to think about dinner at about breakfast time if you wanted the pre made meal to defrost in time 🤣)

WhenDovesFly · 06/07/2022 12:27

What country are you in OP? I ask because if it's England then the funeral is not likely to be next week. Crematoriums are very busy and we're booking at least 2-3 weeks ahead of the death being registered (I'm an arranger), and that's not due to COVID, just general demand. If you have particular circumstances you can request the funeral is delayed several weeks, it's not an issue.

You can ask the funeral arranger to do a home arrangement visit too, so if you're able to rest downstairs on the sofa, you can be with your DH and support him through it.

Sorry to hear about your MIL, and hope your op goes smoothly.