HELP - operation next week but DH's mum is dying

[DoingJustFine]

I have a hysterectomy scheduled for next Tuesday. It's already been postponed twice - first time, they moved it. Second time, I got Covid the week before.

My DH has booked time off to look after me and it's all fixed.

Except last night, at midnight, he got a call to say his mum is in hospital and not expected to last the night. He's been with her all night and she's hanging on but is really ill (she's 94) and not expected to make it.

My operation could NOT be at a worse time! He'll need me. There'll be a funeral, clearing out her things, all the grief. And I'll be laid up in bed for a month at least.

What should I do? If I tell my consultant what's happening, will they be able to move my operation..?

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Being realistic, there's no guarantee that the hospital won't cancel (DH had his cancelled twice recently). So I wouldn't get too worried and just see how it pans out. Your being at home will probably be a massive comfort to your DH - when FIL died in hospital, it took nearly a week to get a death cert issued, then another week to get an appointment to register the death, and the funeral took about 5 weeks. DH spent literally hours at home on the phone. It's not a quick process and you're likely to have healed well by then if you don't go mad.

Good luck, and sorry for what you're all going through

Oh OP that sucks and don’t forget you will also be grieving your MIL.
keep the surgery, it might be postponed anyway the way Covid is going.
Write a manual now of how to work the washing machine/dishwasher etc/where to hang clothes. Get the cleaner to start now whilst you can point things out.
don’t stress about batch cooking but buy in super healthy ready meals or takeaways if you’re lucky for healthy ones.
completely agree it wouldn’t be questioned if sexes were reversed

I knew beforehand that it would be long and complicated. And I am a redhead! TBH, recovery has been much easier than I expected. I didn’t need painkillers at all after 10d - although I think that says more about how bad my period pain was beforehand.

I hear you re doing too much - honestly, I really wanted to go back to work. I wfh which helps - but I’m not good at sitting around doing nothing. As for the walking / socialising - I’m not making plans, just taking it day by day and doing what I feel up to at the time.

I don’t know if I had a particularly good surgeon, or my expectations of how I’d feel were very low, or if I was just used to being in a lot of pain - but it’s been so much easier than I expected.

I’d had abdominal surgery before - not on this scale, but i had some idea of what to expect. I knew I’d be in hospital for around 5d, knew I wouldn’t be able to shower for a week, knew that I’d need laxatives, and knew that morphine would make me v depressed. All of that really helped because none of the ‘bad’ stuff came as a surprise, IYCWIM.

Feel free to PM me if you have questions.

It sounds like you’re going ahead with your DP’s support - v good that you’re on the same page. The one thing I would caution - I think you’re both going to need emotional support in the next few weeks. Make sure you both have other people lined up to provide that so that neither of you becomes too drained or overwhelmed.

Funeral timings are pretty different in England, Scotland and NI in my experience. Funerals after a couple of weeks normal is Scotland and NI, bigger waits normal in England, in my experience. No idea about wales.

In Ireland we would find your wait a long time, the 3-4 weeks for England is mind-boggling.
If someone died here today the funeral would be Friday!

She died.

I'm so sorry for DH. His Dad died years and years ago when DH was little.

He's got a brother who's there with him now. This might bring them closer, which would be really lovely. They fell out as teenagers and never really spent time together after that.

CupidStunt22

Bloody hell is that the norm in England?!

yes it is

population saturation means longer waiting times, especially for popular times

if you want a Monday at 9 am you’d probably get a quicker appointment, but not many will want that time and day opposed to a Friday at 11am

people will want to organise a wake somewhere and coincide the two so one follows the other.

a friend has had to wait 4 weeks for a Friday slot, but another wanted a Wednesday lunch time and waited 3 weeks. If you’ve got a population of 140000 and one crematorium then I guess it’ll get busy.

If you’ve got a population of 140000 and one crematorium then I guess it’ll get busy

My county has a population of 1.3 million and 3 crematoria so I don't think its just a numbers game.

I'm sorry for your loss @DoingJustFine

Oh @DoingJustFine I’m so sorry for yours and your husband’s loss.

I had a hysterectomy 4 weeks ago yesterday I’m not in bed. I was supposed to have a laproscopic complete hysterectomy but had complications due to a previous abdominal surgery so had to have a full surgical scar as well as the laparoscopic opening and had to be on massive antibiotics. I was kept in for 4 days instead of getting out the next day and I still didn’t have to stay in bed for weeks. I even managed to catch Covid last week unfortunately ( from my granddaughter) and still wasn’t bed bound. I’ve watched a lot of TV but after the first few days have been perfectly able to make myself a cuppa and food, I’m getting on a bit as well. Is there a reason you’ll need to be in bed for 4 weeks as usually the best recovery from abdominal surgery is to go walking as soon as you are able otherwise you run the risk of blood clots, they give you the anti coagulant jabs in the hospital but you won’t get that protection at home. I’ve been out walking, dusting, dishwashing, cooking and tidying and going out for coffee ( Covid negative now) just no carrying heavy shopping or hoovering.

Sorry just saw your update that your MIL had died, sorry for your and your DH’s loss.

Thank you, everyone.

Go ahead with it.

Your consultant could change at any time, and the next one might disagree and refuse the hysterectomy. It’s happened to multiple friends, who have had theirs pulled a few months prior due to this.

The hysterectomy forums are literally hysterical OP. No one posts on line if they have an easy time of it and if they do, they get shot down.

Admittedly mine was lap, but I was back to normal within a couple of weeks. It’s important that you’re out of bed and pootling around the house from day one and I would expect you to be doing short walks out of the house after a few days. You’ll be able to make yourself food and drinks, you just won’t want to be lifting massive casserole dishes or doing the hoovering.

You will be able to provide emotional support and you’ll be able to make arrangements on the phone, on the internet etc.

Do not postpone! I’m a surgeon in the NHS and know how difficult it is to get a slot, you may not get another date for months.

So sorry for your loss OP. I hope you and your family manage ok in the next few weeks, what a difficult time

@welshweasel As a surgeon, have you noticed redheads bleed more than people with other hair colours?

Nope!

So sorry for your loss, DH lost his amazing mum last year, we were all devastated by the loss. But I agree with other posters, you need to go through with the op, goodness knows how long you will wait otherwise. Good luck for the weeks ahead OP.

Forgot to say, homeopathic Arnica treatment can prevent blood loss, I used this for two surgeries that blood loss was expected, the loss with minimal.

@DoingJustFine small sample group but my sister has the most beautiful red hair and she hasn’t experienced any more bleeding during surgery than anyone else and it’s never been suggested to her that she would. We both had our gall bladders out within 6 months of each other, big coincidence I know, she didn’t have any undue bleeding she’s also been unfortunate enough to need quite a lot of dental procedures over the years no excess bleeding then either.

Where I am in Fife, a relative died on 5th May. Funeral was 2nd June.

So sorry for your loss OP. Hope the op and everything else goes smoothly

I had a hysterectomy and I was in bed for a few days. After that, I was up. I took things very easily. I still made a coffee and was able to make a sandwich for lunch. After 10 days or so, I was able to walk to the end of the drive. I had booked a cleaner and I also bulk cooked and got in some frozen ready meals in advance. You won’t be in bed for a month. I’m not saying you’ll be doing a conga in 2 weeks but I don’t think you’ll be in bed. I think they just say four weeks in bed to cover themselves. My section was harder than my hysterectomy.

The hardest thing I had was wiping after being to the loo and the first time I tried to blow dry my hair. I dried naturally for several weeks after that.

So sorry for your loss.
You'll get through it as a family, please don't delay.
My dad's funeral took weeks due to availability of church/ crematorium - it likely won't be as soon as next week.