HELP - operation next week but DH's mum is dying

[DoingJustFine]

I have a hysterectomy scheduled for next Tuesday. It's already been postponed twice - first time, they moved it. Second time, I got Covid the week before.

My DH has booked time off to look after me and it's all fixed.

Except last night, at midnight, he got a call to say his mum is in hospital and not expected to last the night. He's been with her all night and she's hanging on but is really ill (she's 94) and not expected to make it.

My operation could NOT be at a worse time! He'll need me. There'll be a funeral, clearing out her things, all the grief. And I'll be laid up in bed for a month at least.

What should I do? If I tell my consultant what's happening, will they be able to move my operation..?

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Thanks again. You've all been really kind.

I think, if our roles were reversed, he'd offer to reschedule his appointment and I'd say no. (But later on I might feel burdened and resentful and stressed.)

I didn't realise funerals can be postponed - actually I heard there was a waiting list for funerals due to covid. And her house isn't council so I guess there's no rush on that.

I'm relatively fit so there's no reason I won't heal quickly. I'm just scared I'll feel obliged to do stuff to help him and then permanently mess my insides up. I keep reading "you only get one chance to heal".

I can do things to prepare here that take the load off him - order meals, book a cleaner, rearrange our room so it's easier for me to manage during the day. Then he won't be quite so burdened?

Bloody Hell though. It seems this operation is cursed! I hope that's not a bad omen. Yikes.

My mum died in May and the funeral was last week. I understand your concerns, but I would not cancel the op. Death is terrible, but life goes on and you need this op.

Most of the thngs that needed doing were admin type jobs and lots of that can be done from a laptop at home.

As for the funeral being this week or next, I would say that was wildly optimistic if you are in the UK. The earliest they could do my mum's was 3 - 4 weeks. The post mortum delayed that even more.

I'm so glad I posted this - you're all so helpful and kind. Honestly, thank you.

I would go ahead with the operation and get it over with (I have had it). Appeal to your sons' for help. They may surprise you!
You will be relieved to get the op over and done with. Good luck with a quick recovery and raid the charity shop for easy reading books.

Oh gosh, I'm sorry, such a tricky situation. But if she dies imminently (sorry, but just following on from your timeline) there is a lot you can do to help before your op - support, maybe a bit of house sorting, funeral director, but honestly, I doubt the funeral will be next week. It might likely be 4 weeks.

I wouldn't delay the op. I had the same op and I was bed bound for 2 weeks and then gently started getting back to normal (I went with DC for a uni move for eg). If you are really strict about rest at the beginning I think you will not be too incapacitated for long.

Honestly, the op changed my life so I do recommend it!

If she died today, her funeral will be probably next week or the week after,

you’ll be lucky to get a date that quickly if you’re in U.K.

it’s much more usual for it to be 3/4 weeks later

1st August would be a rough estimate and if you’re having surgery on 12th that gives you plenty of time

If the funeral ends up being 3-4 weeks away, you might well be able to go, if you took it very gently and didn't lift anything, didn't stand for long etc. Some funerals I know have been 6+ weeks after. You might be well enough to travel by car by then, sit with him etc.

Your sons can help a lot with practical things around the house, even if it's putting Cook meals in the oven or going to the shops or unloading groceries or any other lifting that needs doing.

I'd go ahead with op, current waiting lists are huge, who knows how long you'll have to wait for a new date. I had total abdominal hysterectomy last summer. I'd read all the info about post op, but found it nothing like my reality. 4days after op I went out for a walk and met a friend for coffee, went back to work after 7weeks. Took several months to lift anything really heavy, and twisting motions took a while but I just listened to my body.

you’ll be lucky to get a date that quickly if you’re in U.K.

it’s much more usual for it to be 3/4 weeks later

Bloody hell is that the norm in England?!

It isn't so long here in Scotland, at least in my area. A relative died on the 25th of June and was buried on the 4th.

I'm sorry for your loss but I'd still have the surgery. Your health is so important and it's already been postponed twice.

I had a tummy tuck (sowed my abs back together, and cut away lots of scaring on my womb and ovaries) which is major surgery, and I got myself a wheelchair so I could leave the house.

I think you'll be fine.

Brilliant. So in terms of stuff I can do:

1. Get a cleaner. My parents live nearby and have an amazing cleaner so I've asked them for the contact details.

2. Ready meals. I can stock up on these.

3. DS1 (19) has a car and can drive so he should be able to transport me to/from hospital if DH can't.

4. I can ring all the relatives, etc. Hopefully I can go to the funeral too.

5. I can just be as low-maintenance as possible (while not putting my internal organs at risk) and stop googling terrifying post-hysterectomy complications.

That's a tough one.
I had the same op and spent about 7/10 days in bed, only getting up enough to stretch my legs. Part of that was reinforcing the point that I wasn't to do anything but I think it really helped. I was back at work (Easy desk job) 7 weeks later.
I think speak to the hospital and postpone. Not being able to do the funeral would concern me.the rest of it not so much.

Not advising going against doctors orders at all…however they say the same after c-section which is a similar abdominal incision. In practice most post natal mums don’t really get to follow that order as they have to lift baby and potentially toddler . Yes, you need to avoid doing anything lifting wise that is unnecessary and be careful and certainly absolutely avoid weights . For first week you’ll feel exhausted as general anaesthetic wears off. You’ll be given plenty of pain killers for first day or so but make sure you have stocked up with them in house particularly for night time- codeine paracetamol tabs for first few days.

most funerals take 10 ish days to arrange (unless need to be shorter for religious reasons) and the family can delay it beyond that. My mum was buried 3 weeks after her death because a family member could be there earlier. Her house and contents can’t legally be sorted until after probate- most people do start to clear out things but the house can’t be sold until probate- not sure what waiting times are currently but that could be weeks. None of it needs to happen in a rush- people need time to adjust emotionally too before being ready to face the task of going through clothes etc.

It is probably better to get it over now so you have 2 weeks recovery before much can happen anyway. If you delay it could then come at t8me when serious house clearance is needed post probate. There is not going to be a “right time” in next few months for you.

once you get home your surgery will not prevent you being able to be supportive to your husband emotionally - in fact if you normally work you’ll be off work and there for him. It’ll not stop you helping him talk through and validate his decision around funeral, probate or the other practical admin tasks that need to be started. After 48 hours you will be up and about and alert. Ok, he will be distracted and not able to “nurse” and “nurture” you in way you may have hoped but you will manage. Make sure you don’t put up with pain and be kind to yourself and accept it’s not a perfect scenario but you will manage. Talk to DH about your concerns and agree what you can and should each do to support each other over next few weeks - set expectations and compromise with each other so that you don’t end up resenting that the other wasn’t “there for you” in the way you expected them to be magically without discussion.

good luck with the op..I hope you recover well and it resolve the physical problems you’ve had.

I had total abdominal hysterectomy at the start of April. You won't be on bed rest for a month! They let me out of hospital on day 2, I was walking my daughter to school (10mins total) day 5, and we went on holiday in the car (UK) day 8. I didn't carry suitcases, I pre-made easy to heat meals for that first week and I ordered online food shopping so I wasn't having to carry heavy bags. Oh and got the children to carry things up and down the stairs for me at home.

By the time I went back to work (6 weeks, admittedly wfh) I was able to carry shopping carefully and could walk for 3 hours at a go. Interestingly I couldn't swim for a further 2/3 weeks as there was something still twinging in my core when I tried to activate it for front crawl - so I listened to my body and didn't swim for those 2/3 weeks. All was fine by 12 weeks and I was back to normal levels of physical activity.

Having arranged funerals myself, you won't get a date sooner than 3/4 weeks, and there are a lot of phone calls / emails etc which you can help out with. You will certainly be able to travel in a car after a week or so, and I was driving by week 4 (short local journeys only, but it meant I could run the kids around). You may not be able to help with moving heavy furniture around if you have to clear the house, but you could certainly e.g. pack boxes, throw rubbish bags together for others to then move on somewhere else.

Don't put the op off, as others have said, a man wouldn't and it's for your own health (major op, they don't do it unless you really need it). Best of luck.

Go ahead with your op.

Most funerals do not happen for weeks unless for religious reasons.

House clearance - apart from clearing the fridge - similar. All the paperwork takes weeks and that's if you don't have probate. Add probate and bequests to family from property in the house then months.

You will be a lot of help by being at home, being an emotional support, and loads of stuff is done on online/on the phone.

I wouldn't put the Op off OP and I'm glad you've got a to do list now.

I'd also say that there's a possibility that your MIL may pull through, doctors aren't infallible.

I think the only reason not to go ahead would be if her death was likely to be drawn out over several weeks. It doesn't sound like this is going to be the case.

You will be at home, you can still emotionally support your husband.

Glad you’ve got a plan and so sorry you’ve got all this going on. Definitely have the op, and don’t be a martyr afterwards. You do only get one chance to heal, that’s sensible advice. You can give him all the emotional support he needs while dealing with his mum, you’ll always be a team. You both sound like lovely caring people and I hope things go as smoothly as possible over the following weeks.

I think you're misunderstanding the doing nothing and bed rest bit!

I'm a surgical nurse and they'll have you on your feet post op before you know it, he'd rest is the worst thing you can do and it's completely unnecessary.

Lift nothing heavier than a cup of tea is standard advice to stop people lifting shopping, hoovering, gardening etc but it's not literal for every part of your life.

Fair enough physically clearing the house is a no go, but you're likely to be ok for the funeral even if you don't linger at the purvey afterwards.

Listen to your health care staff but maybe avoid being quite so concrete. Ask lots of questions to clarify, that's what they're there for.

Good luck and sympathies to your husband. You're really going through the mill 💐

My FIL passed away suddenly not that long ago and in all honesty there wasn’t a huge amount of physical work required in the month after. Most of the things that needed to be done was telephone or internet based (notifying banks, council etc, organising things with the funeral director etc). The physical stuff (house clearance etc) came later. His funeral was also roughly 6 weeks after he passed away. The most important thing in the weeks immediately after was emotional support which you’d likely still be able to do. Your husband may even welcome the distraction of caring for you. Best of luck with your operation.

You lot are absolutely brilliant. This is much more helpful and positive than the US "Hystersisters" site where everyone moans about their bladder falling out.

I've asked ex-H if he can have DS2 early on in the holidays for a couple of weeks as it'll be miserable here for him. Hopefully he'll agree and that'll be one less person for DH to have to feed.

It’s an absolute shitter for timing but I agree with others- keep the date. Covid rates are now through the roof so how things will look further on down the line is anyone’s guess, get it done, get out and on the road to recovery.

As horribly tragic the death of your MIL will be, she is 94- and I’m sure if you had been able to ask her opinion on the matter she would have insisted on you having the op too.

I know it probably seems crazy to say this now but why don’t you book something for you an DH to do maybe towards the end of the summer so you have something to look forward to as you trudge through such a grim month or two?

Here’s to you making a swift recovery, and my condolences to your DH.

Definitely have the operation. You can still provide emotional support and advice to dh.

the funeral can be delayed and is likely to be quite a few weeks.

your ds can step up with more practical support such as helping to clear the house. I had to clear my grandmother’s house at a similar age with my brother.

does your dh have any siblings who will also be helping.

I’d be surprised if they wanted you on a months long bed rest op, they usually want you up and walking asap after an op. They don’t want you lying in bed not moving due to the risk of dvt. I’ve not had a hysterectomy but I’ve had c sections and you can definitely get up and shuffle about but you just have to be really careful not to overdo it. If I were you I would definitely go ahead with the op. Then once you’ve had it take it easy for sure but you’ll be there for him emotionally, you’ll be able to make cups of tea, you’ve said your ds can help drive you places for a while. If the funeral is 4 weeks away you should be able to go- could you maybe borrow a wheelchair if you were worried about too much standing? You sound like a caring couple and I think you’ll both get through it and will both be there for each other