DC with Sen mum's would you want me to tell you this or not?

[Summerwhereareyou]

Child's party,I asked my dd if her bf in the other class

Dd said " yes, all DC are invited except a b and x".

Ab and c are the DC with Sen

I know a s mum.
Reasonably well, she's always super positive etc.
Does she need to know this or should I tell the school.or
..just not mention it.

Let's say it was a party between two class and actually not just 3 dc were left out.

It's the fact other DC are talking in a matter of fact way about these DC as being not invited.

That's the issue.

What are the other DC saying to these DC? (Maybe you should’ve mentioned this in your OP if this is the real issue).

OP you are right to care. The sad truth is most whole class invites soon become whole class of NT kids in certain schools. When kids get older and parties smaller the selection is at least less obvious. Excluding a child when she is deaf is appalling - after a similar incident our school did send a reminder that parties should either be whole class or a smaller subset which seems entirely reasonable to me.

I think you should stay well out of it, really none of your business who gets invited to someone else’s party.

You are getting a hard time on here, OP. I guess your first post was a bit confusing but the rest have been clear.

I have a DS with SN. He was lucky to be in a very inclusive class in primary school and was always invited to whole class parties. As time went on he attended fewer parties as they became smaller and often football themed which wasn’t his thing, which was fine. In Y5 a new boy with very complex challenges joined the class. He was being fostered. He was invited to his first ever party at age 9. He was beside himself with joy. That’s the sort of difference an inclusive and kind ethos in a school can make.

I wouldn’t tell the other parent you are friendly with, OP, but I’d certainly tell the school that you have noticed bullying by exclusion and unkind language being used (if you have) and ask them if they could address it within the school.

Really don't say anything to the other parents of the children involved.

I have a child with SEND needs. Trust me, I know exactly when all the parties are happening. It hurts like hell that my child is routinely being excluded. A parent coming up to me telling me that my child has been left out of a party would get 1 of 3 responses depending on how I am feeling.

1. I would think you are being a sanctimonious arse.

1. I would think you are being a sanctimonious arse and tell you what I thought.

1. I would think you are being a sanctimonious arse, tell you what I thought and then go home and cry.

Oh dear 🙄

Heartbreaking. Poor children. I'm so grateful my son was always included. Makes me realise what a great group of parents we had at primary school.

No one is going to disagree with you OP that children with SEN should be treated with kindness and not casually excluded.

i don’t know these kids or the class/school “vibe”, and it sounds like the school has some work to do to become more inclusive. That is something I’d bring up in a parents evening context or with the HT more generally - you could say you’d like to see the school do more to make sure that all children feel included at school and are supported to make friendships across the broad spectrum of the school and not just make friends with people who look like themselves (friendships with kids in other year groups are also a possibility and I’ve seen this work brilliantly for kids with certain SEN who are struggling to keep up socially with their peer group.)

I don’t think you can expect the school to do anything about a private party.

A couple of things bother me -

1. without speaking to the hosting parents, you cannot know what’s happened behind the scenes. A large party is a VAST amount of work; very noisy, boisterous and stressful if you are a parent hosting it - I did one at the age of 7/8 with 35 kids and it was unbelievably hard work. All the parents naffed off and left me to it, and so it was just me, DH and my mum and we were fairly overwhelmed. It is possible Hosting Parents spoke to Parents of A, B and X and they decided, on balance, it was not a good idea to include them this time due to the nature of the party. If you have only ever done a small party, you really cannot compare - less than a dozen kids is a completely different prospect to a party of around 30 kids.

2. I’m not clear that the kids are casually assuming A, B and X were excluded because of their SEN. Did you DC actually state it this way? Are you aware that this is a topic of general gossip amongst the kids? Maybe your child and the bf just assumed this themselves?

3. it is not bullying. Bullying is a repeated behaviour with an intent to hurt someone emotionally or physically. I don’t think this is a repeated behaviour, from what you have said. And there is no intent to hurt. Yes, it may be unkind and uninclusive, but it isn’t bullying.

4. if you’re worried about the attitude in the class, one way to tackle it is through your own dc. You can say, do you think A was left out because Party Kid doesn’t enjoy playing with them? Why do you think that? What other reasons could there be for leaving someone out of party invitations? Is it more difficult making friends with people who are different from ourselves? In what ways? What are the advantages of making friends with people who are different from us? What do YOU do if you see someone is being treated unkindly or left out of playground games, and how would your behaviour be different if you had played with the person who was being left out but didn’t get along with them yourself? Is it important to stand up for people who are finding it difficult to stand up for themselves? How can you model the right friendship behaviours in school? Which adult at school can you trust, so you can tell them if you see someone is being treated unkindly because they are different?

I absolutely wouldn’t go to the school myself, nor would I speak to any of the parents of A, B or X. Your child age 8 or 9 is old enough to start evaluating the situation and dealing with it themselves, if they observe unkindness. You can coach your dc from the sidelines.

What I might do, at the party, is say to Hosting Parents, “it is a shame A, B and X couldn’t come along to the party.” And If I bumped into A’s mum I might possibly say, “my dc is going to this party, is A coming along?” But I don’t think I go in with a direct “SEN kids have been excluded” accusation as it may not be true and it could cause a lot of trouble.

People are bloody despicable. I'm really glad it's not you doing that OP, not going to lie I'd have handed your arse to you if it were!

My child has SEN, although you likely wouldn't know it to look at her or speak to her, she's one of those who would've flown under the radar years ago. Her classmates and the parents know though because she has her own TA and I'm quite open about it.

I did a party for her, that was at a noisy place. Because of her SEN I hired the whole place so it'd only be her and her classmates and she'd feel comfortable. Because she has several children in the class with SEN I also arranged a quiet space for them to retreat to (with their parents, they're little) complete with books, ear defenders, colouring etc if it all got too much and said to the SEN mums to feel free to bring the children's tablets etc if they wanted them and not worry about it or coming to find me beforehand to say goodbye if they needed to slip off early. I catered for the ones who only eat plain bread or nuggets or one type of crisps.

I cannot imagine not including children with additional needs it's absolutely horrible. That was automatic to me, I wanted all of the children to feel able to come knowing they could join in and have fun and step away if it got too overwhelming. I trusted the parents to manage their children's behaviour appropriately if they became overwhelmed or behaved in such a way that might have upset or hurt others, and they did. Most SEN parents are way more alert to their children's triggers, and on hot pins at things like parties. I know I am. I don't sit and chat and ignore the kids while they play I am constantly watching so that I can intervene if needed.

I would lose all respect for someone who deliberately excluded children for having a disability. It's an awful example to set to the other children. Our school would also refuse to hand out invitations where it was clear just a couple of particular children were being left out (SEN or not).

I wouldn't tell the Mums specifically, to answer your question, no. They're probably sadly used to this sort of bullshit by now but it's still hurtful. It stings when your child is left out for something they have no control over. What I will tell you, for if you or anyone else reading this is planning a party, making a little bit of effort to be inclusive goes a really long way and means a lot. It might not be your problem, or your child's problem. But there for the grace of god and all that. Inclusivity and ablism is all of our problem.

Every single one of the mums of the SEN children spoke to or messaged me to thank me for making an effort to make sure their children could come and join in comfortably. It meant a lot to them and happily since I've done that other parents have done similar. Because they'd have felt awkward before, saying to people 'I know your child finds X tough, we've got a room off to the side if they need it'. It is awkward, if you're not used to this world.

I can honestly say that our class is really inclusive, the children are all accepting of their classmates with additional needs or differences. It's lovely to see and I hope it continues as they get older. You only get that when parents lead by example!

It would be hurtful to tell her?

Or is it hurtful that some children/parents are happy to exclude a child with SEN?

Id have thought that the hurtful people were the ones actually doing the hurting, not those talking about it

OP I think what this comes down to is what good do you think your interfering will actually do for these children and their families and what is really motivating you?

Must admit I'm a little confused as to if the problem is with the party , and if only 3 children from both classes have been excluded. Or if it the fact the children have become aware of the SEN needs of the children.
The party invites are nothing to do with you , maybe don't let DD go if you think the parents have low mortals.
If it's the children noticing the SEN needs then raise this with the school to re enforce the school's ethos .

If I told the mum it would be because she may want to tell the school.
However I think from some comments here it's clear she's not at that stage yet and yes my message would be confusing

OP, this is quite patronizing.
On the few occasions I was made aware there had been a birthday party and my DS was the only one invited I honestly would rather have not known. Not because it was « confusing » but because it was a painful reminder that he struggles socially. I am aware already, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Also, I definitely would not raise it to the school or the party parents based on a child saying « everybody is invited except x, y, z ». For a child « everybody » usually means all their friends, not every single pupil including the ones they don’t really play with - how would they even know if every single one had been invited?