DC with Sen mum's would you want me to tell you this or not?

[Summerwhereareyou]

Child's party,I asked my dd if her bf in the other class

Dd said " yes, all DC are invited except a b and x".

Ab and c are the DC with Sen

I know a s mum.
Reasonably well, she's always super positive etc.
Does she need to know this or should I tell the school.or
..just not mention it.

The parents will know. Believe me, when your child is being left out, you notice.

All you can do is try to be a good friend to the parents and encourage your child to be more inclusive. I’d also be drawing away from the parents who allowed the SEN children to be excluded.

Loli ,that maybe true of the other two.

But one I know reasonably well and she's very sociable and definitely doesn't want to be left alone.

I'm trying to work out the right thing to do.

1. let the school know that 3. DC with Sen are being left out and singled out without giving specific of whose party because I don't know all the details.
2. let the mum know in case she want to raise it with the school
3. say nothing to either.

I would want to know. I think it's a good learning experience for the school to pick up on.
I can see the mum is different to me hence why I'm asking.

Although some parents on here have said they have been told and are glad, I'm not going to say anything.

You are not making much sense. One minute it's about the party, then it's not so much about the party but about classes, now we are back to the party.

Is the party on a Saturday? Do the three children with SEN needs get along with each other; and do the parents know each other? I wonder if maybe a few families could meeting up for a picnic in the woods on the Sunday? (or similar activity that all the kids would enjoy)

Are you sure they weren't invited, or have they declined the invite?
I defo would not be going to the school! It is a private event that your own DC is invited to, going to the school would really come across as shit stirring in my opinion!
If it's only 3 people in the class that haven't been invited, chances are they have heard about the party and can tell their own parents / teacher if they are upset by it! Say nothing

I think SN kids are pretty included up to the age of 7 but after that, unless there are really good friendships, they are excluded. DS is severely physically disabled and non verbal but was included in everything up to 7. I think it would have been very different as he got older but we moved him from MS to a more appropriate school. I wouldn't say anything to the parent. It's so hard to come to terms about your child's differences and how they are excluded. It's a sad and heartbreaking realisation you come to as a parent of an SN child.

The parents will probably find out.
DS was not invited to a party the whole class were except for him and another child. They both have SEN. I was Facebook ‘friends’ with the mum and she posted pictures of the party.

Another child said he wanted to invite DS to his party but his mum kept forgetting the invite- It was very clear that the mum didn’t want him there.

The further up the school your SEN child goes the more they get excluded from out of school activities.

@Spudlet

Thanks.

I have had a relative with severe needs. I have experience of them being excluded in all sorts of ways even by family.

I feel we need to say things and act on things like this, as I said in a previous post. no one has to mention the party but talk about being kind to each other, an email to parents (it's a religious school) about upholding "values" of kindness etc.

I can't see any problems with that.

But it's not me.
We have always included a.
We don't do class parties. I don't know the other two..
Because of my experience with relatives both my DC have been raised to be inclusive and kind and never to make fun etc.

It’s one party, I’d just forget it.
If the party parents are that awful that they would do this to little DC, an email from school is hardly going to change their mind/attitude is it?

I would want to know. I think it's a good learning experience for the school to pick up on.

But are you a parent of a child with special needs?

And a I mean parent, not other relative of a child with SN.

When did the concept of "whole class" parties become a thing? Didn't happen when my kids were in primary school and certainly not when I was in primary

it's not our party, we always invite a , we don't know the other two DC.

So you and your dc don't know 2 of the kids, is it possible birthday child/parents don't either?

@cottagegardenflower
Thank you.

As my relative wasn't my own DC I sort of grew up knowing this.

My perspective is different and in all my general chats with the mum I try and remember this is her first time as it were and it's a massive leaning curve.

I'm trying to be sensitive to that process whilst I've already been through it to some degree. The mum is still quite naive and because my dd has very mild Sen and the school isn't supportive of an ehcp she was wondering if we could propose to the school that we share help etc.

Whichever way one looks at this,it's upsetting but I'm not going to mention it

My DS has SEN. I would want to know. I think that what I didn't realise until I had DS (he is my youngest) is that you have to fight so much on their behalf.

My DS has been invited to 1 birthday party this year, so I suspect we have been subjected to the same treatment. Luckily DS is completely oblivious. But it's me that it upsets.

Any decent school would want to intervene and help put a stop to it. Ostricising based upon disabilities is disgusting. If this was happening in the workplace most poster's here would be up in arms about it. Why is a school any different? It's about doing the decent thing.

Regardless, I am having a party for DS at the local hell hole soft play and I have invited the whole class. I know he will love it, so I am doing it for him. Balls to the shitty parents who didn't include DS.

I know you're trying to work out what to do for the best but I think you're getting overly involved- it's not for you to raise it with the school in my opinion, won't they already be aware anyway from when the invitations were given out? It's not down to the school to dictate or point things out to parents, as much as it is shocking!

If you're sure this is all fact, I would ring/message the parent and decline the invitation for your own daughter due to a,b,c being the only children left out due to their SEN (or if you want to make sure that you're correct in your thinking, ask if they are the only ones excluded first) - I'm assuming you're not sending your daughter anyway due to how strongly you feel over this.

My DC have been through similar. There's one mum I have zero time for now because she excluded two of my SEN DC from whole class parties, one was excluded twice over two years.

Good point. Also OP you say your DD’s BF is in another class and has been invited, so is it that whole class who are going or your DD’s whole class?

I would rather know, but it would be very unlikely I wasn't aware already. My brother had SEN and MH issues so I was already well aware of this sort of exclusion before DC. It hurts seeing your children and it hurts them too. Mine definitely notice when everyone else gets an invitation.

Gold I disagree on the school role.

I am aware of settings that are incredibly strict on this sort of thing in that they don't allow disablist language, they make it very clear they don't tolerate bullying.
It's cracked down on instantly if someone does and parents are called.

However I think this lady is still at the stage that she wouldn't understand where I'm coming from unfortunately.

What the party tells me is that these 3 have been identified as different and the DC are all aware and talk about it casually.

It's this I would be wanting to tackle.

I think leaving these things alone perpetuates the issue's.

Also as it's a religious school I think they should have the extra responsibility to make sure all DC and parents are on the same page.

@LadyGlitterSparkles
It's so incredibly hard and unfortunately I don't think this mum is understanding it yet because it's a process isn't it.

My dd has mild Sen but because of my experience with my relative i was able to act in a different way and manoeuvre in a different way..
Unfortunately this mum is still at the stage of being managed by the school and put off an ehcp etc.

I have a DC with SN. I would say school would not get involved and its pretty common sadly.

I would not expect you to decline an invite to a party your child wanted to go to. But I think your child is great that they have called this out.

Would I want to know? I may or may not be aware tbh and the news would hurt me and if you were simply telling me I might wonder why you told me news that would hurt me. But if it was clear it was coming from a good place and was done so my child could not hear I would be OK with knowing. If you were say offering a playdate with my child instead I would be very happy. But I would be very cautious about getting involved because its hurtful news and nothing will be done. I did have one Mum tell me once, claimed she had no idea my DS was not invited, but she was quite the gossip. I still think it came from a good place and it did make me realise that the other Mum who excluded was not kind but am not sure why she felt the need to tell me. It did explain a few things though.

The mum is still quite naive and because my dd has very mild Sen and the school isn't supportive of an ehcp she was wondering if we could propose to the school that we share help etc.

Is that what this is really about then? You want this woman on your side so you can 'tackle' the school together?

This would make sense because I've been wondering why you're not talking about approaching the parents of the other 2 DC. Simply saying 'I don't know them' didn't really make sense if you feel this strongly about the 3 kids being left out.

A quiet word with the teachers could be helpful. My DCs teachers have spoken to the class generally about treating everyone with kindness, inclusiveness, it doesn't stop all the behaviour but it does reduce it for a some time. This is exclusion and teasing from other children though, not exclusion coming from adult.

My son with SEN doesn’t generally get invited to parties. I am fully aware. I would imagine this mum is aware too. I wouldn’t bring it up.

If you want to be kind you could encourage your child to invite them to their party.

I wouldn’t want to know.

Firstly, I think I’d already have an inkling so it wouldn’t be a massive shock. But to have to confirmed would hurt. Especially as, there’s no action to be taken, is there? As mean as it might be to invite the whole class minus one or two, ultimately it’s a choice being made by the parent and child throwing the party.

It would just be upsetting. Instead I would try and be more inclusive from my end if at all possible.

You’re now saying your DD has SEN, OP. But she has been invited?