Do I tell her the truth or mind my own business

[Primetv]

We've known this family for about 9 months now. DD (4.5) has become friends with their DD (4) , both going to the same nursery but my DD is morning , their DD is afternoon.

Today we had a nursery trip to the zoo. Their DD was assigned to me because we know each other. I know their DD is not very compliant usually and whenever we have playdates she decides where we go, what we do and how long we stay. She never budges for anything.

The trip started with their DD, let's call her Anna, not wanting to wear her wrist band and her high visibility jacket. Then she screamed she didn't want to get on the bus. Eventually she got on but a teacher had to keep her on her lap. Eventually I convinced her to wear the required stuff, then at the zoo we had little battles for absolutely eveything: going on little tours, washing hands, staying with the group. She'd say no or I don't want to do it to EVERYTHING. We managed in the end but by the end of the trip I felt exhausted. I felt I didn't get a chance to talk and enjoy my DD company as my whole attention and energy was focused on Anna.

I sent her mum a few pics during the day but haven't said anything about her behaviour. She then asked me if Anna listened to Mr and I said so and so. I explained she didn't want to go with a group to do certain things as she wanted to do other things. She got very defensive and tried to defend her behaviour to which I said don't worry, she's been absolutely brilliant.

Then I remembered that Anna's mum told me previously about a few 'incidents' and feedback from her nursery teachers about Anna's behaviour which she always challenged and I feel the parents are in complete denial that there is anything wrong with it. They said that's her personality and that's how she is at home too.

DD also mentioned that Anna didn't want to sit down at carpet time and stayed away from the group, something that the teacher mentioned before and the parents again challenged that, they can't quite believe it. One of the parents also mentioned to me today that Anna's been good today as usually she is very hard to manage (I guess I was the one dealing with it so they didn't have to).

Do I mention any of this to her mum or do I mind my own business? I feel they don't quite know any of this and are reluctant to believe the teachers, as they thi

as they think the teachers are being a bit harsh

Mind your business. Leave the difficult conversations to the professionals.

I'd not mention it unless asked.
The parents aren't doing their DD any favours though.

Maybe you could suggest that their DD might have enjoyed it more if her DM or DF had been with her

I wouldn't say anything. It's really between the teacher and the parents how they manage her behaviour.

Ah, thank you. I will definitely mind my own business

A teacher should not ever have a child on their lap on a bus. All children should be in a seat with a seatbelt.

Don't mention it. She was already defensive so I can't imagine she will be any different. Just be glad that your dd isn't in nursery with her.

If you are forced to talk about it- answering a direct question- then give a factual answer.
She had to sit on teacher's lap.
She cried about wearing her tabard.
Try and sandwich it with 'she loved the monkeys'.

Ultimately no one wants to hear their child is challenging, and it isn't your job to tell them. You can however state facts, not opinions, about what happened.

@Mally100 She'll be in DD's class at Reception, at the parent's request 😔

You can at a stretch go with 'I noticed she needs more adult attention than the other children'.

I wouldn't say anything.

They'll deny it anyway. Let the teachers pick up on the behaviour and say something to them.

Sorry you didn't get to spend more time with your own DD that sucks.

And that's an issue why? All children are different, she won't be the only child In your daughters class who struggles.
You're coming across as really judgemental.

On a public bus in the UK there are no seatbelts and children aren't automatically entitled to their own seats anyway because they travel for free

Oh no, absolutely do not get involved. Distance yourself asap.

Mind your own business.
My ds had a friend like this when he was small. The boy's parents (neighbours) left him with us for ds's 4th bday party with lots of instructions to him to be good etc. They were strict parents. As soon as they left he was a nightmare. Swearing, throwing food. His parents would have been horrified.
We decided to say nothing as they would have been mortified. Instead we told him off ourselves. 15 years later he is polite, generous, kind and responsible twenty year old and I'm glad I didn't embarrass anyone by telling his dps. Leave it to the teachers.

'I'm not sure Anna really enjoyed it, she didn't want to get on the bus or put on her tabard'. Did she not want to go? '

Thank you everyone, I feel at peace now. I will keep out of it. I felt like maybe I'm doing them a disservice by not mentioning a few facts but I will leave it to them.

It is a shame they are defensive because they really should be trying to help their dd, rather than arguing with teachers.

I have only ever mentioned my opinion on someone else's child once. He is a family member and told me that his son's nursery wanted to refer him for an ASD assessment. I just said something like 'it's good they have noticed he is struggling within the setting' - my family member hit the roof and said that just because my son has autism, it didn't mean everyone else's did.

Lesson learnt.

You can counter-request this not to happen.

See, what I'd do is this. I'd tell Anna's mum that you had a fabulous time helping on the school trip, it was brilliant fun, and she absolutely has to volunteer as a parent helper for the next one.

That way she gets to see the issue first hand, and you don't have to do or say anything.

that's not what she was asking ??

If they are friends then being in the same class is fine. If you are wanting to step back from the playmates et cetera, as it is too much, then start doing that.
If you feel that them being in the same class will make it harder to do things on your own terms/they will be inextricably linked then you need to decide how that affects you/impacts on your time. Should you have had her all day at the zoo - only take on as much as you can next time. I would have sucked it up for my DD.
but if you knew from experience, it was going to make it so difficult I would have told the nursery that they needed to place her with a teacher as you struggle to control her.

Play dates

"whenever we have playdates she decides where we go, what we do and how long we stay. She never budges for anything."

Why the fuck is a FOUR YEAR OLD telling you where, what and how long you a fully grown adult is doing?

why was she ever invited on more than one playdate???

If she asks your opinion fine otherwise I wouldn't say anything