Do I tell her the truth or mind my own business

[Primetv]

We've known this family for about 9 months now. DD (4.5) has become friends with their DD (4) , both going to the same nursery but my DD is morning , their DD is afternoon.

Today we had a nursery trip to the zoo. Their DD was assigned to me because we know each other. I know their DD is not very compliant usually and whenever we have playdates she decides where we go, what we do and how long we stay. She never budges for anything.

The trip started with their DD, let's call her Anna, not wanting to wear her wrist band and her high visibility jacket. Then she screamed she didn't want to get on the bus. Eventually she got on but a teacher had to keep her on her lap. Eventually I convinced her to wear the required stuff, then at the zoo we had little battles for absolutely eveything: going on little tours, washing hands, staying with the group. She'd say no or I don't want to do it to EVERYTHING. We managed in the end but by the end of the trip I felt exhausted. I felt I didn't get a chance to talk and enjoy my DD company as my whole attention and energy was focused on Anna.

I sent her mum a few pics during the day but haven't said anything about her behaviour. She then asked me if Anna listened to Mr and I said so and so. I explained she didn't want to go with a group to do certain things as she wanted to do other things. She got very defensive and tried to defend her behaviour to which I said don't worry, she's been absolutely brilliant.

Then I remembered that Anna's mum told me previously about a few 'incidents' and feedback from her nursery teachers about Anna's behaviour which she always challenged and I feel the parents are in complete denial that there is anything wrong with it. They said that's her personality and that's how she is at home too.

DD also mentioned that Anna didn't want to sit down at carpet time and stayed away from the group, something that the teacher mentioned before and the parents again challenged that, they can't quite believe it. One of the parents also mentioned to me today that Anna's been good today as usually she is very hard to manage (I guess I was the one dealing with it so they didn't have to).

Do I mention any of this to her mum or do I mind my own business? I feel they don't quite know any of this and are reluctant to believe the teachers, as they thi

Say nothing. No one will thank you. Everyone will blame you (for whatever may happen). And, if you allow a 4 year old to dictate the agenda you'll deserve it. Kids want their own way. Who knew?

I’d definitely request a different reception class and give reasons, verbally

Shit! Speak up now. They seem to see you and your DD as 'managers' for their child. Stop it before it goes any further.

You have already 'ignored' your Dad's experience to manage Anna. Do not sign up for years of this.

If you are blunt enough they will change their mind about you, may well tell people you are rude and unkind, but those people will know better.

Basically, hand their lack of parental nous back to them. And don't let anyone guilt trip you into taking any responsibility for Anna.

Do you think it was just a coincidence that your dd and Anna ended up in the same group for the trip? Or are the teachers already starting to use your dd (and you) as Anna's safety net?
I wanted my dc to experience the full range of their classmates, those with special needs and those without, the Top Table as well as all the other tables, the rich ones and the ones whose parents didn't have a pot to piss in. But I would not have tolerated seeing a pattern emerge such as you may be seeing. It's very different being a 'buddy' to a new girl, or ensuring that X is involved in the playtime group fun, or showing Y how to play the maths game.
I'm afraid I would be having a word to request that my dd was put into a different class to Anna - not because of Anna but because of Anna's parents.
And I would welcome any and all new classmates to my home and on play dates....well, at least once...

No, it's not a coincidence. We had a few play dates back in Oct last year. Anna was very anxious about going to nursery and took a while to settle. She didn't make any other friends apart from DD so they thought would be nice for Anna to go to the same class as DD, I guess they think DD would be a good influence. They've expressed their wish to the class teacher and let us know afterwards. Then last week we found out they are together.

You can speak to the teacher with regards to classes still, if you have concerns. If they can't move her at this stage they can be sure to separate them in the classroom to give your DD some space to make new friends.

I guess they think DD would be a good influence.

That's a big ask of a teenage pupil, let alone one who's only 4. Her experience at school should not be negatively impacted by the behaviour of another child, whatever the reason for the behaviour.

When I send my dc to school, I don't want them to be a good influence, nor a human soother to make class management easier for teachers - I want them to meet lots of other children and learn all about lots of stuff, I want them to run themselves ragged at playtime in a huge gang, and do illicit packed lunch swapsies with their table of 6. And once they've met lots of other dc, to choose two or three that they really like and become firm friends.
Not to be set up from day 1 to be someone else's minder.

This made me feel down..I feel partly responsible for allowing this to happen.

It is really tricky - you want your child to “be kind” and help those struggling but not when it’s at their own expense. Say anything to school and you look like a meanie. I did though.

My Dd was regularly missing maths lessons and other activities to accommodate another child’s issues. School admitted immediately it was not on. Other child’s parents very very vocal and assertive about their child’s needs which I get but not one sod was given about the impact on my Dd. Fortunately I realised what was going on and stepped up for my child as ALL the focus had been on the other child.

Yeah you need to nip this in the bud. Your child is not a support worker for another family and this is basically what you have set up for her.

Speak to the school. My DC was used as a crutch / good influence in reception and year 1 and it was too much responsibility.

Also make sure your DD knows she isn't responsible for Anna. Make sure you have other playdates - hopefully you do already - so she can find her actual friends and doesn't always get lumped with Anna.

But I would definitely leave the difficult conversations to the school staff.

I wouldn’t want my child in the same class as this girl.

my main issue is that it sounds like this girl is going to disrupt constantly and the whole class will be affected by her behaviour.

you might get lucky and the teacher will be able to rein her in, but I wouldn’t risk it.

I'm surprised you were allocated children you are personally linked to and sent pictures while out. Was it just the two in your care? Does this nursery not have policies to follow?

Anna's behaviour should be left to the teacher to manage.

i would be concerned that binding her to a difficult child will stop her making other friends. You have basically endorsed that’s she’s to be friends with this girl so she is going to school thinking that is what she has to do when she really doesn’t.

Speak up now about the school place, put it in writing if you have to that you DO NOT WANT THEM IN THE SAME CLASS if possible and BACK AWAY.

your daughter will have to be with lots of children that are different and may have difficulties herself in the future, so this is nothing to do with special needs, it’s the parents that are the problem.

BACK AWAY FROM THEM.

We counter requested. Had a similar situation but moving up classes at school. One child was seriously affecting my child's happiness, but her parents (very nice people) were in denial and insisted there was a close friendship. There wasn't. I had spoken to the parents and they literally said "Sophie wouldn't do that, Amy's her best friend". They requested the same class, and told me they had. I agonised for a few days and spoke to the school. They were put in different classes.

I wouldn't say anything to the parents as you'd be wasting your breath, but step back from involvement.

I'd leave it - her parents don't sound like they'd listen anyway so a lot of angst for nothing.

I'm not sure I'd counter request yet. Do speak to nursery though about any concerns now and ask for any observations on the relationship with your DD. They should be quite aware if she's been affected yet. Then wait but just be aware of potential problems. It may all fizzle out in Reception year and your DD finds other friends. If you've got a teacher lined up, I'd wait. A good teacher in YR is worth their weight in gold!

I would write down a factual account of the days events.
Eg Anna was told by nursery worker to board the bus. She initially refused to comply. I explained why we needed to get on the bus. She became very agitated. After x intervened she went on the bus and sat on xs lap. She would not sit on the seat.

If you could do that I would send it to the nursery.

You are right. I like the teacher she is going to have in Reception and I don't want DD to miss out on that. She will have a few other girls in her Reception class from nursery, she had a few play dates with one of them, so I do hope that this friendship with Anna will eventually fizzle out as DD has already questioned sone of her behaviours on the trip. I'm backing away from this family, they'll also be away for the whole month of Aug and I'll encourage other friendship from this class. A whatsup group with the parents has already been set up and parents want to get to know each other.

Your dd is now old enough to understand that she doesn't have to be friends with someone if she doesn't want to.

Dd has a similar friend. Very forceful in her friendship - it's hard because they live next door so lots of trying to force us to go round to theirs constantly on the walk home etc. won't listen to anyones 'no'. Tells dd to do stuff at school which isn't actually very nice. Ive had to try to explain to my 4 year old that she doesn't have to do everything her friend tells her to do. I didn't put her name down for when they mix classes next time.

Well, her mum knows a few facts, Anna told the parents she wasn't going to get on the bus in the morning, so they knew already that might be a problem. I told her she sat on someone's lap. I also told her she didn't want to follow the group to some activities, but eventually she did. But I think the parents play this down as if it's just a bit of fuss, they don't realise just how difficult and abnormal some of her behaviours are. I didn't mention any more as she was going defensive.

2 weeks ago Anna told the parents she wasn't going to participate in Sports day so they didn't even bother coming to nursery. She apparently sat on the side.

I hope so, I'll reiterate at home that she doesn't have to be friends with her if she doesn't like the way she behaves and she can make other friends. DD makes friends wherever she goes, literally, so I hope she'll maintain that at school.