I've just been a monumental b**lend. Please hold my hand.

[Melsuleenia]

Need kind words. I'm such a wanker at times.

Moved into new flat in March. Just got broadband. All good. It goes offline.

Spend 30 mins on the phone to the provider. Hilarity endues as he goes through the diagnostics.

Very kind man gets me to check the socket. I'd had an EPIC row with my parents the night before. I thought I had unplugged the phone. Oh no, I'd unplugged the router and forgotten.

I'm a post grad physicist. And I can't even work out how to remove the landlines and keep the router plugged in.

I'm actually cringing writing this.

Can you share your epic fail moments so I don't feel quite as much of a tosser?

Thank you and please.

Meant to say gas supply, another oops.

DH once drove his ambulance under a low awning and knocked all the blue lights off the top.

I used to work in a small shop with only one till. One day, I just couldn't get the card machine to work. I apologised to the first few customers and got a marker out ready to write a "cash only" sign. The next customer pointed out that the card machine was unplugged: the plug was sitting on the counter right next to the cash register I was using!

My vacuum cleaner broke so I bought a new one. Then I realized it was just that the bag was full.

To be fair, the light to indicate the bag was full never came on. I was so embarrassed though.

@clarissad at least there was a obvious (and tasty) solution in your case!

My boiler wasn’t lighting

it was covered in dust, wgich I thought must be covering the ignition

i had a can of air duster so sprayed it liberally all over.

lit the boiler. Loud bang and flash in my face.

grab baby, run outside call fire brigade

fire brigade come, bring ambulance who ascertain that incredibly luckily I am just lightly singed.

very nice fireman bring me can of air duster and very gently explains what flammable means.

yes I am a total moron. I’m also a working scientist with a masters in chemistry.

We had only had our brand new Kitchen installed for a few weeks when my husband came rushing in to tell me it had stopped working. We checked the plug and plugged something else into it to make sure that wasn't the problem. Cue a mad rush to transfer everything from fridge and freezer into the old one in the Garage. This was at 11.30pm at night by then. He went up to bed and I opened the new fridge door hoping it might have started to work again. As soon as I looked in I spotted a little on off switch inside. I clicked it and immediately the light came on and it sprang into life! Turns out he'd been rearranging stuff on the shelves and he must have accidentally clicked the switch. We've had several fridge freezers over the years and that's the first with a power switch on the inside!

Oh dear… cringeing at the memory of this….
Moving in with soon-to-be husband, we ordered a 3+2 sofa set from Courts… took absolutely weeks to arrive and when it did, I was adamant it was the wrong colour (went mad after the long wait) many phone calls followed, with Courts finally offering me £200 off if I accepted the sofas with their apologies. Couldn’t bear any further wait, so grudgingly accepted them. Only when we went past their window, and saw the same colour under the shop lights did I realise it was the correct one - and I had seen it in bright sunshine & thought it was wrong!! My new husband never let me forget it (and Courts went bust shortly after, which he said was solely my fault😱)

My PILs had died within months of each other, the house was up for sale and DH and his sister held an open two day sale of the contents, One of the items for sale was a sewing machine for a fiver. A woman bought it along with a few other items. The following day she came back with the sewing machine demanding her money back plus petrol money. She plonked it down plugged it it and said “look even the lights not working”
Now I’m a seamstress and know a bit about machines and I spotted the problem straight away and, without saying a word reached over and turned it on at the machine. , it lit up like Blackpool. I tested it and it purred like a kitten.
“ There you go, I’ve fixed that for you”

I now have adverts for domestic appliances appearing on my laptop 😂

Just thought of a couple more..
My first car back in ‘84 was the old style little mini (4 speed gear box).
Husband bought us a lovely black Fiesta Ghia 1.4 (v.nippy) in 1988.
I happened to say that the Fiesta wasn’t nippy at all and he asked how does it pull in 5th gear…
what 5th gear says I…
The language was unrepeatable😮 as he ranted about me ‘thrashing the balls off it for the last 6 months, ruining the f*ing gearbox, didn’t I see the number 5 on the gearstick’ etc etc…
Another Fiesta, another red face…
We collected a lovely new silver Fiesta from a dealer in a torrential thunderstorm. When we finally got home, and Dh came over to ask what I thought of it, I said how lively and light it was inside, was it because it was silver and not black?
He said no, perhaps it was light due to the f-ing great sunroof on it and I had just paid £6k for I car I’d obviously not even looked at!!

He died far too young, but had the most amazing patience with me and my dopey ways, bless him

When I was at uni, I was HORRIFIED one day to check my bank balance and see that it was about £500 lighter than it should have been. I practically ran to the bank and breathlessly told them, saying I was worried it might be fraud or theft or something. A kind bank clerk took me into a side room and got my account up on the computer to go through it with me. About 20 seconds into the conversation I realised that, because I was in my overdraft (knowingly), I'd then got confused calculating with minus numbers, and actually my balance was exactly what it should have been. (And I got an A at GCSE maths!! But I think the panic just took over!) The bank clerk was very kind and understanding though.

My husband returned a faulty Ring security light that had stopped working. He installed the new one & that didn't work either. He came in the house after about 2 hours of faffing trying to get it to turn on really stressed and annoyed that he would have to return that one as well. I said did you check that the power switch was on, what switch he said?!! Yep he'd managed to never take any notice of the switch installed inside the garage door which had override for outside light written over it in big letters, and which he'd knocked to off with the lawnmower handle when putting that away one day🙄

We bought a new VW 2 years ago, had to take it back to the dealership as we couldn't work out how to open the boot... had never had a VW, so didn't know you just tilt the biiiiiig logo on the back. Felt daft when the salesman spared our feelings saying, oh, must have been a bit stiff, sorry. (We hadn't even tried it because who knew...)

HP are a pile of crap. My laptop died within days after it's laptop warranty.

Oh you Wally, that has made me smile :)

my best fail has to be when I was going to catch a train home after a night out, missed it and decided I’d get a taxi from that town to the station in my town instead.
Got to the station, walked the mile home which being a little under influence took a lot longer than it ought, and DH was like “Why didn’t you just get the taxi to bring you all the way here?!” 🤷🏻‍♀️

I once rang up complaining about a bill I'd received which I'd paid a few days before and why have I had it again. Cant remember details now but I was ranting so I guess they must have been very unhelpful as I'm normally fairly level headed...anyway I remember looking down at the letter in my hand and having a sinking feeling in my stomach. The bill was for electric and I'd paid the water the week before so it was totally fair to have received it. I was very apologetic but I'm sure they thought I'd lost my marbles

Oh no, the more I’m reading, the more of mine I’m remembering…

had a Ford Ka as a rental car. No probs, well acquainted with Fords (see previous posts of shame)
then spent ages going round and round their tiny car park trying to find reverse gear. Sweating and almost in tears, I stomped back into the showroom… a lovely lady came out, looked, and said

‘those bloody salesmen! They always do this! ‘ they didn’t tell me that you had to lift the gear-lever into reverse… oh the embarrassment!

Haha! Good point. Many years ago I used to feel really guilty if I was a bit late for an appointment but over the last 18 years I’ve worked as a charted practitioner psychologist and I love it when clients are 5-10 minutes late as I get to stare out of the window and just gather my thoughts. Even 20 minutes at a push is no problem at all. More than half an hour and I wonder if they really want to be there but usually when people are 5 minutes late they are so apologetic and stressed and I’m thinking ‘I should be thanking you for that little breather, not accepting your apology!’ : )

My friend came to look after our cats when we went away for a few days. She tried to do a washing but text me to say the machine wouldn't fill with water and was there something she needed to do. I messaged back with the steps, we'd had a new machine fitted and had swapped places with the dryer.

Came home to find persil powder in the dryer 🤣

I also rang the police one evening when I rented a place many years ago to report a burglar alarm that had been going off for ages in the street and was getting quite annoying. They said they would send someone to investigate when they could. After a while longer I went outside to see if I could see which house it was coming from, and found out that it was mine!! In my defence I didn't know what the alarm bell sounded like and from inside it seemed quite far away. I felt a right fool calling the police back to tell them it was all ok 😖

Oh. Cringe.

deep cringe… 🤣😂

About 10 years ago we were in holiday with a group of friends. Myself, dh and a friend popped into the local town. Dh and friend went into a hifi shop to look for something. I phoned him ages later moaning about how boring it was waiting them both and I'd looked at all the shops I could and blah blah nag nag. After I had finished he let me know that his phone was connected to the speakers in the shop to test the quality and my moan had been heard by all. He had tried to interuppt me but I was hot and tired. I felt so embarrassed when we finally met up!

@Melsuleenia

Not what you're asking, but you could try directing your mum to Straight Partners Anonymous. The support from other people who know what it's like to find out your partner is gay might help her to take the steps to leave. Not every couple does separate so she would also be able to talk to people who find a way to stay together, but life is much better with support.

I once had my laptop stolen and tried to track its signal online. It was coming up as a street in Cambridge. Cambridge police were going up and down the street turning off people's signal so I could see if the signal was interrupted.

After a couple hours they asked me to turn off my own signal. I was tracking the signal from my home computer, not the stolen laptop 😬