I've just been a monumental b**lend. Please hold my hand.

[Melsuleenia]

Need kind words. I'm such a wanker at times.

Moved into new flat in March. Just got broadband. All good. It goes offline.

Spend 30 mins on the phone to the provider. Hilarity endues as he goes through the diagnostics.

Very kind man gets me to check the socket. I'd had an EPIC row with my parents the night before. I thought I had unplugged the phone. Oh no, I'd unplugged the router and forgotten.

I'm a post grad physicist. And I can't even work out how to remove the landlines and keep the router plugged in.

I'm actually cringing writing this.

Can you share your epic fail moments so I don't feel quite as much of a tosser?

Thank you and please.

My recent was going into the office and complaining I couldn't find the excel spreadsheet I had worked on at home.
Very nice young man found it in "my documents".
Feckin idiot that I am. He clearly thinks I'm 80 now.

This is reminding me of when my son worked in a call centre when TVs were switching from analogue to digital - people could call up if they were stuck. He was tearing his hair out - he'd say, "Is the light on?" and they'd say, "No, it's three o'clock in the afternoon, I'm a pensioner, I can't afford to put the light on when it's light anyway...." and he'd say, "No, the light on the TV!"

Yes I reported my car as stolen from Marks and Spencer’s in Gemini Warrington. Security guard gently suggested it might be in the other carpark, maybe I’d come in via a different door. No, I insisted I wasn’t a fool, it’s been STOLEN don’t you know? Why can’t you help me? Crying, the full hissy fit.

I went through the other door to get some air and call the police, and there it was. Got in, drove off, never been back since.

Oh that totally makes sense! That is quite lovely to know about, so thanks for sharing.

Not exactly the same but I often wander around at home for well over an hour trying to find where I put my glasses, only to be told they are on my head if someone else in the household asks what I am doing. Even though this is an habitual occurrence I never seem to check on my head in the first instance before I start the search.

'Beeping from wine fridge' 'Too much wine', 'I have a Phd' 'Don't plug the wrong cable in the wrong socket'

Simply fucking joy!

Keep them a'coming, ladies!

Did I ever tell you about the very dark joke on why, 'The Chicken Crossed the Road'?

I rang the electric board in the middle of the night to tell them my electricity was off. They asked had I checked the trip. I confidently told them I had. They asked me to go to the box and describe the levers and if there were up or down. The problem was, of course, the trip: doh.

@HoppingPavlova

I DEMANDED to know where my mobile phone was from my partner. It was in his hand and I was looking at it.

My girly bits are involuntarily clenching.

I did that in a rental car. I’d been driving it for at least a month by that point. They sent a mechanic to my office. He looked through the window (didn’t even open the bloody door!) and pointed it out. I was mortified and drove straight to the shops and bought them a massive box of chocolates and dropped it off at the rental office.

Then I called DH to tell him. I didn’t even get as far as explaining I had called the rental company to fix it and he told me what the problem was. He diagnosed the problem from another bloody continent!

I’m still pissed off about that, actually.

Couldn't work out why the pressure washer wasn't working, the water was coming through, it was making a noise but the pressure was very low. Asked the next door neighbour, he told me to actually turn it on, via the big button that says "On".

In my defense my daughter (2 degrees and she's a teacher) rang me when she used it to ask the same question!

And, and, and- when I was using it I idly wondered if it would clean the dirt and crap off of my legs and feet that had splashed all over me. Answer- yes it does and it bloody hurts!

@ClarissaD 😂😂😂😂

When I was about 2 years into my IT job, I reported a serious issue to software vendor with messages causing the socket connection to close unexpectedly. As I was talking someone senior at the company through the issue, I sent the message and clicked on the 'close connection' button....

Doing stupid things from time to time is unrelated to intelligence, more attention.

OK. Full disclosure here.

I am an A Level Physics teacher.

Honestly - I think everyone must do this.

My friend borrowed our Karcher and said something like 'hmmmm, it wasn't quite as good as I thought it would be' when she gave it back.

I plugged it in while she was there to see if it needed fixing, and she said 'OMG, I don't know you had to turn it on!'.

It really isn't that clear xx

I spent a lot of time googling how to make my new router work before discovering that I had to switch it on with the power button. It was only when the instructions talked about various lights that should be on that I worked out wha the problem was.

Luckily, I didn't phone anyone to complain before discovering this!

I'm an IT manager, having worked my way up from a developer - I'm technical, I'm a very competent DIYer, with an Electronics degree..

I had someone out to fix my tumble dryer, which I had determined had an issue with something serious due to the error code.

He switched it off at the socket, back on again, the thing rebooted and has been fine since. The error code was for a different model.

The anguished noise I let out as I lowered my head into my hands had the lovely guy reach out from where he was kneeling and pat my shin in sympathy :D

To comfort me slightly he adjusted the dryness levels and stuff, so he could say that he at least did something (it was under warranty, so nothing to pay - after all it did have an error message)

If nobody ever made epic bellendery mistakes then the world would be very boring and we'd never have great TV like The IT Crowd.

I had to get a new blade for my overlocker sewing machine because I'd been an idiot and had left a pin in the garment I was making so the blade was damaged.
Got new blade thought to myself "Now be careful and don't do something daft like getting them muddled and putting the old one back on by mistake."
Guess what I did?
Put the old one back on by mistake. Called the shop I'd bought the new blade from and complained it wasn't working. Brought my overlocker to the shop to show them. They changed the blade and low and behold - working!
The following day I went back to give them first new blade back as it was clearly perfectly fine and I was an idiot.

A friend of mine has the best story though. Called the AA out because her key wouldn't turn in the ignition of her car. Nobody had ever explained what a steering lock was. Heck, I didn't know either, I just thought my car was being a bit stubborn some mornings.

Not sure why everyone is quoting all their qualifications and things. Most is the most intelligent people I ever meet have the least commons sense of anyone

I once thought the tyre pressure warming light was on, panicked, pulled over and called AA. waited and hour they found no issue.
turns out it was just the handbrake light I confused it with =•= god I’ll never live it down

When my parents used to phone with computer problems I used to tell them there was a nut loose on their keyboard...

Rung vax customer complaints the day I received my new vax and had to complain about how shit their most expensive all singing all dancing carpet shampooer was as it wouldn’t stop leaking water, I demanded to speak to the manager , spent hours on emails and phone calls , wrote an essay of a negative review on several platforms, hubby came home from work and I put the washer seal on upside down 🙈 a few days later they sent a new machine out with complimentary cleaning fluid and extra attachments - I never owned up , I just swapped the machine with the delivery guy 😆😆😆

I came close to phoning reception at the hotel I was staying at in Copenhagen recently because I couldn't get the shower to come on. I tried every which way and it just didn't come on. Ten minutes later I had another go, accidentally pulled it a different way and it came on! Doh. I do think they need to come with instructions at times though.

Hahaha depends on the degree. Something abstracts like mathematics yeah,
but engineering /computer science etc people are fiddly types and can usually work it out.

I quoted mine because I've done my time on the IT Helpdesk - why on earth I didn't turn it off an on again is beyond me.

God I feel like I do these things all the time.

Last week I spent 15 minutes locked out of the class I was picking my daughter up from because the 'passcode lock wasn't working'. I had to call the class leader to open the door for me as I just couldn't get in. Turned out I had spent 15 minutes putting the password in correctly but turning the door handle the wrong way.

This morning I wrote a panicked email to all of my team saying I couldn't work out how to exit the 'history mode' on the system I was using at work. One replied with a screen shot of the exact screen I had in front of me and pointed out the giant red 'EXIT HISTORY MODE' button in the top left hand corner. Oh yeah, I see that now!

There are many, many more. Luckily I'm very good at laughing at myself.