Anxiety about trip doing high risk activities my son is not wanting to take part in

[Liglig]

Liglig · Today 02:36

Both me and my son are really anxious about an upcoming school trip where he will be going on a year 5 trip 2 hours away in Kent. The problem we have is the type of activities that they will be doing. It is highly intense stuff like zipwire, climbing walls, boating and the like, all things that my son is fearful of and me to be frank, he is worried about being made to do risky stuff he does not want to take part in, and 8 too worry about him taking part in these types of activities. This has added to his already existing anxiety about being away from me for 4 days. They are not allowed to have contact with their parents except for by post. Am I being over protective? My 9 year old son is absolutely certain he does not want to go and gets tearful at the thought of being forced to go. I know they will have health and safety measures in place but I also cannot shake off the anxiety of something bad happening and my son has never been interested or had a desire to take part in these slightly high risk type of activities. Would you still send your child on the trip with all of these worries? Many thanks.

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Talk to the teachers and tell them all this so they know he’ll need support. I’d send him to be honest, they’ll look after him and ultimately they can’t force him to do anything. Try not to let your own anxiety influence him, you’ll need to put on a brave face for him. (I hated this kind of thing as a child and would also hate it now so I do sympathise!)

I think it sounds like you and your son are sufferint with anxiety, quite severely. I wouldn't be concerned about a 5 year old doing such activities in a supervised and regulatee environment - and I have a medicated anxiety disorder - however, the fact he does not want to go should be respected. That should be sufficient, he should not be forced if he will hate it as that will make it worse. Are you and he having any therapy or treatment? I would focus on that.

*suffering!

He doesn't want to go.. no idea why you would make him

I wouldn't force an unwilling child to go. So don't.

However, these kinds of activities are very highly regulated and very safe. DD did years of climbing and not only was she never hurt, no one in her climbing gym was ever hurt. It's very safe and climbers take it extremely seriously IME. She has hurt herself in my house! Today in fact!

Please think very carefully about how your anxiety is affecting your child. I know of someone who has very very badly affected her child who is now crippled with her own anxiety. Now some of that may be genetics. But a good chunk is mum putting all her anxieties on her child. Learning to be uncomfortable and trying new things is important, especially in childhood.

I think you are misunderstanding what is and is not a high risk activity. 9/10 year olds are not routinely taken into actual high risk situations. They are taken into carefully supervised and carefully planned and assessed situations where they can get a taste of the thrill of adventure and do something totally outside their normal experience, which can be inspirational.

Staying for a few nights away from home is also extremely good for a child's psychological development at this age. Over the course of the next 8 years the educational opportunities of school trips will get progressively bigger. In senior school there will be residential trips abroad eg for languages - surely it's best for the first school trip he goes on to be pure fun and adventure, so that future trips where there will be an academic element too will be so much less daunting.

It sounds like you, and maybe also your son or maybe not, might have an anxiety disorder for which help is available to enable you to overcome it.

It is of course totally fine for your son to opt out of the trip if the anxiety issues can't be resolved though. He won't get any value out of the trip if he can't be helped to access a more positive attitude to it.

It sounds like you have already exposed your son to your anxieties. That is sad for him. A 9-year-old should be looking forward to a chaperoned trip with his friends (not afraid to leave Mommy) and should also enjoy some of the planned activities (which do not sound "high-risk" as there will be safety gear available, safety lines and trained workers.) Please try hard to encourage your son in trying new things.

These are not “high risk activities”. They are safe, supervised activities that literally hinders of thousands of children do every year without incident. Your anxiety is already affecting your child, which is really sad. Please go and get medical help so that the cycle is broken.

I'm wondering how much of his anxiety is down to him feeding off yours. He may well do much better without you there but it would be hard to make that call without knowing how much your anxiety has affected him.
If he is that miserable, I probably wouldn't bother sending him. No fun for anyone.

Does the school do a similar trip in Yr6? If so, I'd work towards him going on that.

This

These activities are not high risk.

Your son is feeding off your anxiety and may miss out on a wonderful fun trip with his friends.
You should try to manage your own anxiety and encourage him to go. Reassure him that the activities are safe and will have instructors, reassure him that he'll be fine for a few days without you and will be having too much fun to miss you. Start getting a wee goody bag ready for him, nice snacks, a torch, a deck of playing cards .... (Playing silent snap by torch light having a midnight feast under the covers by torch light is so much fun when you're 9!)

If he doesn’t want to, then don’t send him. These are not exactly skills he can’t live without going forward. One of my kids loved their residential doing stuff like this, the other hated the idea, but it ended up not going ahead due to covid anyway. I don’t think she’d have gone though.

If your son would like to be able to do them, but his anxiety is preventing him, think about booking some similar activities to do not via school. Part of the anxiety may be him getting upset if his classmates are there.

If he’s suffering with more general anxiety about other stuff, do see your GP and get him some help. Anxiety is horrible and often kids miss out on so much and they end up in a cycle they can’t break. And it does sound like you have anxiety too, so do seek some help to benefit both of you.

If he doesn’t want to go then he doesn’t have to go. However, if he does want to go buy doesn’t want to take part in the activities then I’m sure that can be discussed. Every year we take children to theme parks as they say they don’t want to miss out but don’t want to go on the rides. They just want to spend the time with their friends.

I think you need to build both him and you up past this anxiety OP by doing stuff like this that you consider "risky" together. To build his confidence. When is the trip? Is there time to do that?

Also has he soent time away from you before? As a lone parent I jnow it can be hard for them to get used to but they do need this.

I think it's really over the top to think he is actually in any real danger from such normal activities, so I hope you aren't fuelling the fire here by projecting your own fears... I would try to work on this. He shouldn't be so afraid of fairly standard sports.

However I also don't think you should be forcing him to go on a non essential trip that he doesn't want to go on. So if he is really adamant that he doesn't want to go, I'd just accept that.

This is tough, but sadly I fear you are feeding each other's anxieties! You need to be setting the tone of what an exciting trip this will be, providing reassurance on the activities and reminding him of how much fun he will have.

He isn't a baby and he needs you to step up and encourage him to continue to grow and develop and not hold him back through fear, the trip sounds pretty typical and age appropriate. Not risky and not dangerous!

OP, I'm a teacher who regularly takes outdoor pursuit weekends. Speak to the teachers going and tell them your concerns.

FWIW, I've spent many a time on the top of the zip wire with children who just cannot make the jump. We wait with them patiently, and gently, and often leave the platform via the stairs. We repeat as many times as the child wants. Outdoor pursuit instructors I work with are incredibly kind and patient and see this all the time so are a dab hand at dealing with children of varying levels of confidence.

The key is to communicate this, to let them know but to also reassure you and your son.

Staying for a few nights away from home is also extremely good for a child's psychological development at this age.

Even for a very anxious child who doesn't want to go?

I disagree. I think it is cruel. DD absolutely didn't want to go on any of the residential trips at primary school, so I didn't make her.

I really reccomend doing this course online for you

www.parentingwithanxiety.org.uk/

It has a really good section on fears like these and how to stop passing them down or reduce the fears once they've already been passed down. It really helped me 😊

they are not high risk activities. he will be supervised at all times and will gently be encouraged - not forced.
he can ask not to do an activity if it's too much for him, but chances are he will thrive with the challange.

and it does sound like it would be very beneficial for him to go.

do talk to the teachers before hand.

he will have fun and come back with great memories.

As others have said the activities are not high risk and he won't be forced to do anything he doesn't want to. They wouldn't let 7 year olds do those activities if there was even a moderate risk of harm.

Maybe you could work with the school to prepare him. E.g. show him the type of equipment which would be used, videos of other people doing it, emphasis on how much fun they're having and how many safety measures are in place. Also, the teacher could tell him he categorically won't be forced to do anything. Maybe social stories to help him understand what will take place?

If he is still sure he doesn't want to go then don't make him go. However it would be a really good idea to address his anxiety about this and other things because its only going to get worse.

This is part of his development towards more independence, secondary school etc. I think you should encourage him, so some of these activities together before the trip so he feels comfortable and confident with them, and then see how he feels about going.

I don't think a child should be forced to go if they don't want to but only you know if this is 'normal' worries about being away for a few days which I think is not uncommon, or more than that.

is there any possibility you could go to a climbing wall or somewhere with a zip wire together before the trip and have a go - it could calm your Childs anxiety (although I guess could also make worse in which case it might help you make a decision?). We have a few of these places near us and my daughter used to be very scared of these things but after a few parties etc will happily have a go now.

its difficult to know for the best I feel for you.