Anxiety about trip doing high risk activities my son is not wanting to take part in

[Liglig]

Liglig · Today 02:36

Both me and my son are really anxious about an upcoming school trip where he will be going on a year 5 trip 2 hours away in Kent. The problem we have is the type of activities that they will be doing. It is highly intense stuff like zipwire, climbing walls, boating and the like, all things that my son is fearful of and me to be frank, he is worried about being made to do risky stuff he does not want to take part in, and 8 too worry about him taking part in these types of activities. This has added to his already existing anxiety about being away from me for 4 days. They are not allowed to have contact with their parents except for by post. Am I being over protective? My 9 year old son is absolutely certain he does not want to go and gets tearful at the thought of being forced to go. I know they will have health and safety measures in place but I also cannot shake off the anxiety of something bad happening and my son has never been interested or had a desire to take part in these slightly high risk type of activities. Would you still send your child on the trip with all of these worries? Many thanks.

Bookmark

Previous page
1
2

Back to top
Add your message here
Talk guidelines
Getting started
Your username
Liglig
Message

Add image

You can upload up to 3 images in JPG, PNG, or GIF format.

No file chosen
Add image (up to 6mb each)

Watch this thread
Preview
Post
ADVERTISEMENT

Active
Watching
Add post
I'm

Oh I've he

My son is the same age and autistic, so chronically anxious.

I wouldn’t make him go. Although I would do my best to encourage him. Knowing you’re being listened to is also part of psychological development!!

however I’m a very hung go and non anxious individual and I definitely don’t fuel any anxiety: it’s more murky in your case, are you sure you’re not stoking the flames unwittingly?

gung ho!!

I have recently returned from just such a school trip where I was a parent volunteer.
The activities are highly regulated, and safety was paramount.
Yes, some challenge the kids, but there is no obligation to complete any individual activity. For example, one lad put all the kit on for the zip wire, but just couldn't step off and do it. No bother at all - the kids and leaders were very encouraging and supportive, but when he just couldn't, he was helped back down and his courage to get as far as he did was celebrated. Maybe our kids are angels (I don't think so!) but I didn't hear any ribbing all week about who did or didn't do anything.
Every child was simply encouraged to be the best that they can be, for themselves. It was utterly fantastic and I'd recommend it to anyone.
That being said, no one is forced to go. About four kids out of the year didn't attend - again, no hassle.

I was a teacher btw, with experience of residentials!

My position around kids has always been there is no 'one size fits all' rule. Missing a trip will not prevent a child progressing to adulthood. Forcing a child to attend might cause more issues than not going. You have to keep an open mind.

But not allowing contact with home is a big red flag.

You are passing your anxiety onto your son. You should be encouraging him and building up the excitement!

But not allowing contact with home is a big red flag.

our school had a No contact home policy, the reason being how it potentially caused homesickness and upset, which escalated around the class. Despite this, I do believe their were some in the class who suffered and needed contact with a parent, this was facilitated easily and discreetly. I don't see it as a red flag!

I understand it's a big thing for both of you sending him away alone for a few days doing activities you might not normally do or would supervise yourself. I also struggle with anxiety and have a ds who would worry about going. I think it's actually quite normal to worry about new things but that just means the sense of achievement is higher when you try it and enjoy it.

I always say you can't say you don't like something until you have tried it (although I am a hypocrite as will never do a bungee jump) and these activities are risk assessed as suitable for primary kids so not really high risk.

I would encourage him to see the positives and if he hates this one then sit out any future ones. If he is a planner like me then maybe trying some activities with you first locally or knowing who he can go to if he is upset may help.

For you, I would discuss the activities with the teachers. It might help to know that the kids can sit out of activities they don't want to do or more likely cheer on their class mates. Or to know what happens if a child is struggling with homesickness etc. The whole only letters home is to get them in that frame of mind but surely won't be the case if a child is truly upset.

The fact the children are 'not allowed' contact with parents is a big red flag for the schools approach
I don't think it is. They don't want kids bringing mobile phones on the trip. Its a safeguarding risk, they're likely to be lost or damaged and its not fair on others who don't have one.
Also they don't want parents expecting a nightly phone call or update as this isn't feasible for every child to do this. However, if one child is particularly upset or there is an emergency of course they will contact the parents.

He’s in year 5, so he’s about 10? My 11 year old grandson has just returned from one of these activities. He was worried about going and so was his mum (she kept it to herself though). He came back on Friday absolutely chuffed with himself, he throughly enjoyed it. He even ate the food! Three great nephews and a friends granddaughter have been on them over the last few weeks, All have come back without a scratch. There will be many more children from all areas of the U.K. going on these trips over the next month or so.
The children are well supervised and and all safety guidelines followed.
My grandson was so animated yesterday when he told me every detail of his trip.
Let him go op. It’ll boost his confidence, and in turn, yours.

DD had one of these kind of trips, except it was Year 12 and was supposed to be team building! She didn’t want to go, having been terrified at a party of this stuff! She doesn’t like theme parks either. I asked the school not to make her do anything she didn’t want to do - like the climbing wall. So, the instructors shamed her into doing it in front of all the others!

She refused to go back to school! I had to go and complain to the head of year, who agreed to move her to another form - she had also been given an unsympathetic, no nonsense form teacher. After 3 days, she agreed to go back to school.

If DC doesn’t want to go, don’t make him!

fwiw my teens are off to their class trips today.

one goes camping, including putting up the tents themselves.
the other goes to 'forrin'
both had some worries, which is totally normal, but both were very eager to go.

I expect them to come home absolutely filthy and tired and buzzing from the experience.

Those aren't high risk activities. My 8 year old has already done pgl trips twice with cubs and they did all those things. We do zip wires on family days out, another DC climbs every week. They're standard children's activities.

You are clearly suffering from bad anxiety, which you've passed on to your son. Please for both your sakes find some help

It’s probably PGL or similar. Absolutely no high risk involved. It’s all very carefully supervised and monitored. But he should opt in if he wishes to go if not don’t send him. Simple.

The fact the children are 'not allowed' contact with parents is a big red flag for the schools approach

Absolute rubbish. If a child is upset they will deal with it. What they don't want is over anxious parents badgering their DC when the whole point of the trip is fostering independence.

I have taken a very anxious boy with Autism on a residential. I went as his one-to-one. It was harder to manage but we worked with his parents and him in the weeks leading up to it and he really wanted to go.

We gave him roles like "official photographer" so he was a part of things but not pressured to do them. (Also allowed him to call home but away from the others so they did not all want to).

Don't send him - these trips aren't compulsory. And imo these activities are in no way high risk. They are normal childhood activities that my children's school have been including as part of trips since Yr2/3. You're working each other up with your separate fears.

I don't have research to support it but it's why the trips are done. The teachers don't do it because they love it more than anything - it's time away from their own families and don't get paid extra for it. They do it for the benefit of the children wrought not have that experience otherwise and to prepare them. Taking risks (sensibly) is known to be good for people. It increases confidence in their own abilities and builds self esteem. They learn to see themselves as someone who can and not someone who can't.

As for the not contacting home, experience has shown that contact with parents is stressful for both the child and their parents. The thought of it is daunting but they ae usually having such a good time that they don't even think about it. Children are more likely to feel homesick and miss their parents if they have spoken to them. All schools (IME) have this policy. They usually update twitter and tex tparents regularly and there will be a contact tperson you can get in touch with if you want to check how they ae doing.

I went to France for 5 days in the 80s when there were no mobile phones and was no twitter/school websites so we had no contact with our parents either. Everyone was fine. It was an adventure.

On these outward bounds type trips, no one if forced to do anything they don't want to. They all participate to their own level of comfort.

There are usually a couple of children every year who don't go due to anxiety. Sadly, they both often regret it afterwards and are the children who would most benefit from it. But that's always the way 🤷🏻‍♀️

One of my children would have hated this activity, don’t force yours to go. I don’t know what the school were thinking in booking this as quite a few kids do not like these activities and participating in the trip away is socially important.

1. All schools do not have a no contact policy
2. You have no sound evidence that contacting parents is 'stressful' it is usually just a practicality issue
3. The 1980s is 40 years ago, and the 1980s were not a golden era for supporting children. We know so much more now about mental health.
4. It increases confidence in their own abilities and builds self esteem. They learn to see themselves as someone who can and not someone who can't. This is unsubstantiated blah blah blah. A child going willingly and a child being made to go will have different experiences.
5. There are usually a couple of children every year who don't go due to anxiety. Sadly, they both often regret it afterwards and are the children who would most benefit from it. Again you have only your biased anecdata here, you've no evidence the trip would make any positive difference.

There is no one size fits all.

I had a very anxious mother who was quite restrictive in what I could do. I still remember my residential activity trip as being one of the best things growing up. The sense of freedom and enjoyment etc.

I also agree with another poster that the trips are often stepping stones to international ones as teenagers. The year after was a trip to France, the year after a trip to Spain. All of them gave me experiences my parents could not. I ended up doing languages and living abroad for a year. Those trips were absolutely formative in showing me a different way of life.

I have one child who was desperate to go on this type of trip in year 6 but unfortunately covid cancelled it! My other son who is now in year 6 hates these kind of activities and doesn't want to go on the residential trip. It is not compulsory so I wouldn't dream of forcing him to go - plus saves me £££. Instead he will go to school and help the younger children in EYFS with any other children who aren't going on the residential. Schools are used to some children not wanting to go or financially not being able to go so usually they "help" in other classes.

What a shame that your son is missing out on such a great opportunity to have huge fun with his friends because of your skewed perception of "risk", which you have clearly passed onto him.

These school trips are a rite of passage, my kids are all into their teenage years now but still speak regularly about the things they did on a similar trip when they were 10ish.

If you’re living in this extremely highly strung anxious state and ‘high risk’ activities (they’re about as low risk as they can be), are you feeding into and creating an anxiety in him? He’s learnt to be scared because you are?

It sounds like you've massively projected your severe anxieties onto your son.