Anxiety about trip doing high risk activities my son is not wanting to take part in

[Liglig]

Liglig · Today 02:36

Both me and my son are really anxious about an upcoming school trip where he will be going on a year 5 trip 2 hours away in Kent. The problem we have is the type of activities that they will be doing. It is highly intense stuff like zipwire, climbing walls, boating and the like, all things that my son is fearful of and me to be frank, he is worried about being made to do risky stuff he does not want to take part in, and 8 too worry about him taking part in these types of activities. This has added to his already existing anxiety about being away from me for 4 days. They are not allowed to have contact with their parents except for by post. Am I being over protective? My 9 year old son is absolutely certain he does not want to go and gets tearful at the thought of being forced to go. I know they will have health and safety measures in place but I also cannot shake off the anxiety of something bad happening and my son has never been interested or had a desire to take part in these slightly high risk type of activities. Would you still send your child on the trip with all of these worries? Many thanks.

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There's a huge difference between knowing if he genuinely doesn't want to go because he doesn't fancy it, or if he doesn't want to go because you have taught him he doesn't want to go.
You can always ask that he doesn't participate if he's afraid of the activities, unless on the day he fancies a go. Just being away and hanging out with friends is such good fun for them. Does he have a few good mates going that you know he will be happy with?
I've recently realised I've passed my fear of flying on to my eldest as I had a bad experience and have always gone on about it. We are flying this year and she has been so anxious I'm really sad I've ruined this for her so am making an effort to be positive and upbeat and talk it up/down play my negative experience.
You can do this gently talk it up and see how his attitude changes. If it doesn't then of course don't make him go but he might want your approval.

That's fairly standard stuff for a school trip. He won't be doing anything high risk as they'll be supervised. It sounds like it's just not your thing but maybe the challenge will be a good thing for his confidence. Do you think your making him more anxious? Have you told him you consider the activities high risk?

I think you're passing your anxieties on to him and that's why he doesn't want to go.

At that age I would just present it as something non-optional, just as school isn't optional. He's going because that's what has to be done. Don't hype it up either way, don't play into either of your anxieties - just treat it as an expected part of school life.

Absolute rubbish. If a child is upset they will deal with it. There is denial of a lot of proven theory about security in this comment.

The aim for each individual child is to get to a really good adult emotional position by the time they are biologically an adult. There is no single route to that as humans vary.

My ds did the four night residential.

He was a bit nervous. He's very cautious as a person. He likes to plan ahead and know what's coming up.

But actually he loved it. Hiking and wading through streams. Crate stacking. He raved about it for weeks.

The school presented it as a developmental stage. And it is. It's the first time many of them had been away from their families. They learnt independence and teamwork. They also did mundane things like having to tidy their dorm and make their beds, take wet clothes to the drying room.

It may sound like a four day jolly and no harms done by taking him out but actually my son learnt a lot that week. Life skills that are essential.

Every child was a little bit anxious. Because it's unknown. But that's also a really important life lesson. You can't just not do things because you don't want to.

Yes I was anxious about him going away. But I tried not to show it. Because I knew he'd pick up on it and it would spiral him. He was tearful then night before but when he got back said it was the best thing he's ever done.

Talk to the school with your concerns. They'll be experienced with handling it. Make sure he's surrounded with his friends and keep an eye.

I would be encouraging and supporting him right now. Don't feed into anxiety.

It sounds like you're feeding his anxiety.

In situations like this, the best thing to do acknowledge their nerves, then chivvy them along. Anything else is pandering.

Thank you all for your many different inputs, I am a single mum and am probably slightly anxious and nervous as a protective mother, I do try and hide my anxieties and encouraged him to go on the trip when he first mentioned about it, he said no at first and then changed his mind but then one night as we were going to bed, he started getting tearful about how he would miss me.

I reassured him that it's normal to miss me as we have never been apart and tried to reassure him that he will not be forced to do activities he doesn't like but he just got more upset and also I tried to reassure him that if things got that bad, I could do the 2 hour drive to come collect him but that most likely he'd love it once there.

I am quite fearful of heights and the like but try to hide this fear so it does not run off on him, maybe he still sense my fears. I will keep trying to reassure him and tell the teachers about our anxieties and see if they can talk to him as I'm having no impact on him so far.

I would like him to at least try going and to be honest 4 days to myself kind of sounds like bliss lol. I've never been away from him since he was 4 when I had any night stay in hospital but he stayed with a school friend he liked and her parents who he and I fully trusted.

Sorry that should of said, 2 night stay in hospital

Also the trip is going to be in October and we have to pay in installments each month £160, I have already paid £60 of the non refundable fee and am reluctant to start paying the other installments if he ends up not going, so this is extra pressure on me financially as once paid will not be refunded even if child does not go!

Trip is £160 in total

DS doesn’t like heights. He went on a school residential where most of the activities involved heights. He was really looking forward to it until they announced the activities! However, he went and enjoyed it. Tried 8 out of the 10 height activities, refused to do zip wire and abseiling, as in his words they are all or nothing. Some of the other activities he only got as far as getting the equipment on and then deciding against it, others he took more part in. He wasn’t forced to do anything. His class teacher didn’t like heights either so told me she wouldn’t make him do anything she wouldn’t do! For things like climbing walls, you can be the person holding the rope rather than the person climbing the wall.

He’s feeding off your anxiety, either encourage him and say it’s going to be fun or don’t let him go.

Imagine how amazing and empowered he will feel having been and experienced some of these activities. I would gently persuade him to go myself, I think the anxiety has probably come from you. They are not ‘high risk’.

This with bells on. Children his age do this trip every year and have done for years and years. Nobody will force him to do anything. He will not be the only one who is nervous. What he may well be is one if the nervous children who gives it a go and realises that trying new things is a fantastic way to live. He will get an enormous cheer from his classmates and he will feel amazing. Let him go, it's the most important and valuable thing you will ever do for him.

Talk to the school I know in our school they assigned kids to roles that gave a get out clause, e.g. official photographer etc.

These are not high risk. These are enjoyable activities that millions of people do regularly. There will be supervision at every stage. Don't hamper your child with your anxiety.

If it's not until October, you have several months in which you can prepare him for separation and challenges. Have him do days away at other people's houses. Then a stay overnight at a friend or relative's. Then a couple of nights. Then a night somewhere else. Build it up gradually until he (and you) learns he can do it and it's not a problem.
Take him out to different places, to try different things. Park equipment for older children, bike riding, borrow a skateboard, go swimming, walk in new places, go out to cafes for a drink and a sandwich, get the bus somewhere new, send him to the corner shop on his own.... He (and you) will learn to do new things and get comfortable with being a little uncomfortable.

I would definitely not send him. I didn't send my son on a similar trip because it was just not his thing. He's now 16. There are no lasting problems. He is a well adjusted teen. This type of trip is always marketed as challenging yourself or some such stuff. It doesn't suit everyone. Have the confidence to say no if he does not want to go and do these things.

When you consider the issues around consent these days, the fact that we essentially force some kids to do these "adrenaline fuelled" activities that they are not comfortable with and don't want to do is appalling. My MIL, who is now actually dead, remembered right until her dying days the terror of being made to jump off something on this type of activity as a child. That's what gave me the confidence to say NO for my DS who did not want this stuff.

My DD was anxious about her similar y5 trip, she had only ever had 1 night away from me, and was worried about some of the activities.
The school were fabulous with her. Really kept an eye on her, she went in the HTs group. They didn't force her to do anything she didn't want to, so e.g. on the climbing wall she only went part way up. On a pairs big swing thing she went up with HT and screamed in his ear.

She came back more confident and self assured, it really helped her, and then in y7 she felt able to book onto their 2 night trip to Paris.

OP. I would

• talk to the school


• encourage him to go


• make clear he doesn't need to do any activity if he doesn't want to


• try not to worry about the activities, they are adventurous but they are very safe, lots of qualified instructors.

“It sounds like you have already exposed your son to your anxieties. That is sad for him. A 9-year-old should be looking forward to a chaperoned trip with his friends (not afraid to leave Mommy) and should also enjoy some of the planned activities (which do not sound "high-risk" as there will be safety gear available, safety lines and trained workers.) Please try hard to encourage your son in trying new things.”

^This

Could you take him somewhere like RockUp the kids indoor climbing place, or a park with the 'zipline' thing with a seat on.

Just so he knows what they are like and that there is no actual danger in any of these activities

I think your anxiety is affecting him. These trips are very safe. The fact that you describe this as high risk is not really right.

The teachers sent photos of the kids on the activities through the stay. Is there a climbing wall activity type thing near to you? Something like “Jump 360” ? If so could you go as spectators only to get the feel of it? Or just a soft play with a climbing wall if Jump 360 is too much to start off with.
Does your son go on sleepovers at grandparents or other relatives? Or a friend? Perhaps gradually build him up to being apart from you overnight.
I went twice to one in Cumbria, I was 10 and 14. Long before mobile phones, once we were on that bus, that was it, no contact from home until Friday afternoon when we arrived home. I was a chronic bed wetter , it was something I had no control over, it wasn’t deliberate, I just didn’t get the signal from bladder to brain to wake up. I was so worried Everyone would take the piss but the centre staff and teachers were lovely to me, I was given a bed near the teachers room she checked on me each morning, I changed the bed myself and the wet ones quietly removed. (mum had sent in extra bedding and a rubber sheet) The sheets had been washed and dried by the Centre staff which was really good of them.

I used to be an instructor for a PGL type place. Shit pay, but one of the most rewarding jobs I've done.

Some kids never got further than putting a harness on, but they were still involved in belaying and encouraging others, or ladder monitor at the zip wire or whatever. As well as climbing, zip wires etc. we also had activities such as archery and I genuinely believe all the children got something out of their stay even if they chose not to complete some activities.

I think I only ever had one kid who complained that I'd tricked him to the top of the climbing wall when I'd suggested he try just one more move!

I think you should encourage him, so some of these activities together before the trip so he feels comfortable and confident with them, and then see how he feels about going.

This is a good idea if you have time and if it is feasible. You will find that the activities are safe (for this age safe to the point of not being that exciting tbh) and he will then be able to relax and enjoy doing them again with his friends. You might enjoy then yourself!