Anxiety about trip doing high risk activities my son is not wanting to take part in

[Liglig]

Liglig · Today 02:36

Both me and my son are really anxious about an upcoming school trip where he will be going on a year 5 trip 2 hours away in Kent. The problem we have is the type of activities that they will be doing. It is highly intense stuff like zipwire, climbing walls, boating and the like, all things that my son is fearful of and me to be frank, he is worried about being made to do risky stuff he does not want to take part in, and 8 too worry about him taking part in these types of activities. This has added to his already existing anxiety about being away from me for 4 days. They are not allowed to have contact with their parents except for by post. Am I being over protective? My 9 year old son is absolutely certain he does not want to go and gets tearful at the thought of being forced to go. I know they will have health and safety measures in place but I also cannot shake off the anxiety of something bad happening and my son has never been interested or had a desire to take part in these slightly high risk type of activities. Would you still send your child on the trip with all of these worries? Many thanks.

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These are not high risk activities at all. It sounds as if your anxiety is affecting him.

I’d encourage him to go. Talk to the school about the fact he’s anxious. He won’t be the only child who is. Trips like this can be a great learning opportunity and chance to develop confidence.

Meanwhile have you thought about therapy for your anxiety. There are going to be lots of things like this over the next decade, from first teen parties to festivals to driving a car. It would be good to find an approach that helps you guide your son without passing on irrational fears.

As others have said, these aren't "intense" or "high risk" activities - this is totally normal stuff. Many kids, mine included, go climbing regularly and love it. Don't let your child miss out on something they may find really rewarding, just because you're anxious.
You need to put your game face on here; tell him it'll be fun while working on your own anxiety in the background. Perhaps try climbing or abseiling for yourself as part of that?

have you done a search of the place they’re going to in You Tube?

there will probably be vídeos of kids doing these activities and he’ll see how much fun they’re having and that it’s not as bad as it may sound in the descriptions.

Staying for a few nights away from home is also extremely good for a child's psychological development at this age. Hmm, never seen any research supporting this, it is just something parents who favour these trips say.

There are two issues for the op - concern/anxiety around the activities, and whether the child wants to go.

If the child doesn't want to go, there is no point making them. Putting a child (or person) into a situation they are not comfortable with is likely to worse things not improve them.

The fact the children are 'not allowed' contact with parents is a big red flag for the schools approach.

Around the activities, I agree the way they are done is with risks mitigated and experienced teachers. I would not be worried about the activities so much but would not send a kid on a trip where they couldn't contact me if they wanted.

Oh my phone is misbehaving, sorry for typos and missing apostrophes!

You are being over protective and 100% he is 'anxious' because you are. Let him live his life and stop teaching him to be scared.

If he doesn’t want to go, don’t send him. Not everyone likes ‘adventure’ type activities. I don’t! They’re just not my idea of a fun time.

Having said that, is this his problem? Or is it your problem affecting him?

Do you think he is feeding off your anxiety? As others have said, these aren't high risk activities at all.

Are you receiving any treatment for your anxiety as it is now affecting your child as well? I say this as a child of a parent with anxiety. It was draining having my mum be worried about every single thing I did. Always catastrophising. Always Worst case scenario.

I think your child shouldn't go if he doesn't want to.

I also think you should encourage him to gain more independance from you, so that the thought of being away from you doesn't seem so daunting. But a school trip where he won't enjoy the activities and might get embarrassed in front of his classmates about not wanting to do them is not the right setting for that.

Sorry, but you're calling these activities 'risky'? What is the risk you see associated with them? Do you think his anxiety and perception of what is 'risky' is innate or learned?

I was a really risk averse child. I was encouraged to try things but not forced and I think it did me a lot of good.

Do his teachers know of your concerns? Do you trust them not to force him to take part if he's uncomfortable? It's with a conversation because I think a blanket 'no' or shying away from things that seem 'risky' would be doing him a huge disservice.

As someone who has been with many children on many residential experiences over the years, I can testify to the ‘magic of camp’. The children we see at school every single day become entirely different creatures when you take them away on a residential. It is one of the best parts of their primary school journey.

It’s a wonderful bonding experience for them as a class and they learn to become a little more independent and confident. Many children say initially they don’t want to come, and if we can gently persuade them, they end up having the time of their life. It’s always a shame when a parent just lets them say they don’t want to go as it’s a huge learning experience.

Whilst we do let children contact parents if absolutely necessary, we usually say ‘no contact’ because if a child phones home and they have a worried or sad parent, it rubs off on them. Usually the children are too busy and having too much fun to think of home. By the time we get them to bed, they are exhausted and sleep fantastically. Teachers usually send photos home though the day so parents can see them having fun.

Poor kid, you’ve foisted all your own anxieties on him.
Philip Larkin was right when he wrote this be the verse

To try and calm your anxiety, my ds was exactly the same, had never been away from me, wasn't an outdoorsy, confident child, and was nervous about the trip. I had to persuade him into it, promise him that if he hated it I would go and rescue him after the first day.

He loved it. The year 5 PGL trip was a turning point for him. When it came to the year 6 trip, he was the first on the coach.

So my experience is encourage your ds to at least try.

My Mum passed her anxiety directly down to me and it's a life sentence. You need to be so careful about the way you're interacting with your son that you don't do the same.

When my DS went on his residential one of his classmates really, really didn’t want to go. She had been going on and on about it, why were the teachers forcing her to go (they weren’t), she wouldn’t go on anything, she’d miss home too much. On the day she was crying her eyes out (the only one). Her mum still sent her as she’s had experience of school trips before and knows that they do enjoy them in the end.

Anyway on the first photo we got she was tucking into lunch with a big smile on her face and every other photo from the trip showed her on zip wires, jumping into lakes, canoeing etc all with a beaming grin. No coercion needed!

Absolutely agree

This

If he doesn't want to go don't send him. He's 9!

Schools do these type of residentials every year and would not expose children to high risk activities.

Having said this, it doesn't mean the trip is right for every child and in my opinion no child should be forced to go, gently encouraged, yes but forced, absolutely not!

My child has never had any interest in going on the residentials, I mentioned all the positives about them but he still did not want to and that was absolutely fine. Even when the children came back all excited talking about having a fantastic few days, he didn't regret it one bit.

If it is mainly about sleeping away from home, perhaps you could try and arrange him a sleepover at a friends beforehand or as previous posters have mentioned, you could go somewhere to try out these activities together and see how safe they actually are.

You might find that he sees all his friends having a go at the activities and gets over his worry. I remember going on a similar trip at the same age and there was a girl that was scared of heights. She was adamant that she wasn’t doing the climbing and abseiling but once she got there she decided to give it a go and was so pleased with herself after managing it with loads of encouragement. It gave her a massive confidence boost.

I also remember being worried about being away from home but once I was there with the distractions of being with my friends and being busy all day I completely forgot about missing home.

Depending on how severe is anxiety is I’d recommend encouraging him and letting him know how great a time he’ll have with his friends. Tell him if he really doesn’t want to do an activity he won’t have to but there will be kind and helpful staff there to teach him what to do.

As a suffer of anxiety as an adult please do whatever you can to help your DS now - try to hide your own anxieties and get some help for yourself (and DS) if you need to.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones - you're also damaging your kids according to Larkin.

A little empathy goes a long way, you should try it some time!

Hide your own anxiety. It's your parental responsibility to teach your child about life without colouring it with your own issues.

Who is 'forcing' him to go?
Trips like this are not usually obligatory.
He does not have to go.
However, it sounds like you have a real issue with anxiety. The activities you mention are not dangerous. Some may require a little courage and physical and mental effort from your child i.e. they will be challenged.
Safe, supervised challenges can give you such a sense of achievement at your courage and resilience. They can be empowering.
But first and foremost he does not have to go. Some kids in my DCs' years always stayed at school instead of going on the residential trip.
If he doesn't go, commit to start to build up some separation from each other and some little challenges in your lives. There are great skills and qualities to be gained which can help you both in years to come.

Are you getting help for your anxiety? If not you need to because it’s effecting your son now.

The activities you describe are not high risk, nd I think it is likely that at least some of your son's anxiety has it's origins in your anxiety.

I agree with this:

Please think very carefully about how your anxiety is affecting your child. I know of someone who has very very badly affected her child who is now crippled with her own anxiety... ...Learning to be uncomfortable and trying new things is important, especially in childhood.

Your son is not going to be put in danger, or forced to do activities against his will, so on that basis I think you should send him. Being around other children who are doing things that challenge them, and being away from an overly anxious mother, will likely do him good.

Again, no research, just anecdata from someone biased. My point is you've no evidence the kids who go end up better off than those who don't.

Kids end up more independent naturally, through a process called 'growing up'.