One last kick in the teeth from dm from beyond the grave

[TeethKicked]

This has really upset me, and I thought she’d upset me as much as she already could :(.

Its a long and boring story but, in essence, dm and I always had a tricky relationship. Things deteriorated when she and my half brother tried to cheat my df (from whom she was long divorced, and who was not my half brother’s father) out of a large sum of money.

She prioritised my half brother over me from the day he was born. Fine - I grew up, dealt with it, maintained a relationship with her for my dc’s sake. But things deteriorated, and for the last 3 years of her life we were no contact. She died 2 years ago.

I found out today that she left my dc nothing in her will - I knew I wouldn’t have got anything but I hoped they might have. She wrote an explanation in her will as to why she’d left everything to my half brother - and the real kicker here is that she wrote it and signed/dated it on my birthday :(.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much but it really has. I’ve been crying all day. She really did hate me didn’t she? :(.

I'm sorry, OP. You're allowed to feel upset about your mother deliberately bypassing you and your children in this way, even if you had gone NC in order to protect yourself--something which you wouldn't have needed to do if she had been a decent mum to you in the first place.

The loss of a parent is always painful, and that includes the loss of a shitty parent. There's all kind of sadness and regret you feel when they die and you're left knowing that you were always robbed of having a decent, loving, emotionally healthy parent.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help, I hear that Cruse are very good with bereavement support.

Try not to overthink it as seems your brother also knew what he was doing so he would get all the money and it is their failings as basic human beings to value you as a daughter and sister. Just be the best mum you can be to your children as that is priceless and don't let her live rent free in your head. Hope you are ok. Families can be very mean and other members can also manipulate them to their own advantage so they get the inheritance, happens so much.

Theres a saying that you are dead if no one says your name. Do not remember her. Try not to even think about her. Do not say her name. She has no power or place in your life.

I'm so sorry. It really is awful

My Dad always had a difficult relationship with his mother and when my Dad died, she cut off my Mum. She wasn't a pleasant person and could never be friends with all her children at once. My grandad was a lovely man but died 7 years before my Dad.

We didn't receive anything in the will, but didn't expect to either - we weren't in her life (and better for it) and so never expected anything.

Think of how much better your children's lives were without her chipping away at them. It's worth more than any inheritance.

I’m just trying to tackle dinner so apologies for not addressing specific people but honestly, this has helped so much. I really appreciate everyone’s input and insights and advice. And I really empathise with those of you who have similarly complicated family dynamics.

She sounds awful. To be quite honest though, I think if you were all NC with her then thats why shes left them nothing. She sees them as an extension of you, and not as related to her in their own right.
I doubt the birthday thing was a coincidence. Was she keen to stay in touch with you? (despite being abusive)

Imagine living with that sort of dislike/hatred/anger - whatever you want to call it - in your head for so much of your life. To be that vindictive must be all consuming. She can't have had a joyful life can she? To be like that?

Move on OP. Yes, you and your family deserved better. But, unfortunately, you can't control others. What you can control is your attitude and reaction towards them. Put her out of your mind, and your half brother, and move on. Enjoy your kids and enjoy your life. It's the best way, as far as I'm concerned, of showing people the contempt they deserve - by showing them they are of no significance in your life, can't hurt you, can't impact you and can't control you.

I’m sorry. It’s shit isn’t it?
I was nc with my family but did get a call from a brother to say my mother had died suddenly. I was later told the date of the funeral—- my birthday, but probably unintentional as I don’t suppose they remembered.
Just months later a relative I had stayed in contact called me to say my father had died. She later encouraged me to get a copy of his will. It was written as if I did not exist, my dds ignored completely. Not that I was interested in receiving anything but the way it was worded was definitely deliberately meant to sound harsh.

It’s really hard when the people who are supposed to nurture and care for us fail in their roles. It’s unlikely she hated you. It’s more likely that you symbolized something in her life that she couldn’t resolve. It’s ok to be angry and grieve the relationship that should have been. For moving on, it helps to recognize how fundamentally damaged the parent must have been to have treated you poorly in the first place.

It does not make it right but do you think she thought that you will get inheritance from your father but your brother will not? Therefore left hers just to your brother?

So sorry OP sounds so sad. It may help you to write your Mother a letter writing exactly how you feel now, how you felt in the past, holding nothing back and probably saying things you would never have said to her face, get everything off your chest and then go out into the garden and burn it.
Stand and watch the smoke go up to the sky and away forever.
Its amazing how cathartic this can be.
Then carry on being a great Mum to your own children and don’t waste any more emotion on her.

I think she did think this. However …

Towards the end of df’s life, he and dm became friends again. There came a point where his mental and physical health was failing so he came to live with us. But we lived 3 hours away from the place he’d lived in for 50 years, and our household was hectic with 4dc, one terminally ill adult (dh), and one adult working full time (me). Df was very unhappy, and dm suggested he move into the care home she owned.

I thought this was a good idea. He’d have company, be on familiar turf etc. But this is when they began to encourage df to think of my brother as his (which of course he wasn’t), and to try and cheat him out of £40k. They weren’t successful in that endeavour, but they were successful in getting my dad to leave my half brother a substantial amount in his will! So half brother has profited from my df and from dm.

It's my firm belief that any parent who doesn't leave EXACTLY the same amount of money to their DC, is very, very unwise and unkind. And that remains the case despite differences in income of the individual DC, or any problems, preferences or separations in the relationship. I've seen so much harm done to sibling relationships over the years when parents have, after their deaths, have confused or substituted love, with money and control.

Dh and I did start legal proceedings to contest this, but then dh died and I lost all interest. Thought I’d let half brother have my df’s money - no amount of money will make his life a happy one.

OP, the best way you can rise above her shitty behaviour is to carry on being a great mother yourself.

Was she buried or cremated? I'm asking only because you could have some sport with the ashes, if they are still hanging around. Scatter them at sea if she suffered from seasickness - that kind of thing.

I know you are very upset about the birthday signing but having worked in a small Solicitors office that did Wills the procedure was Will typed up and then Secretary ring client to make appointment to come in. Appointment had to be when Solicitor was available to go over Will and there was someone available in office to witness it. There wasn’t a set amount of days between initial appointment and signing eg urgent ones would take priority.

OP, are you in Scotland?

She was a bad mum.

You weren’t a bad child.

I’m really sorry you have to go through this on top of so much loss 💐

She is just demonstrating to you what a good person you are OP - because you would never treat anyone like that would you.

it’s not the fact she didn’t leave me anything that has upset me, it’s the fact she wrote the explanation why

I think that if you choose not to leave £ to someone who might reasonably have expected to inherit, then solicitors recommend that you leave a letter to explain your reasoning. It's to reduce the risk of that person claiming that eg you had dementia, didn't know what you were doing, didn't intend to cut someone out

Some mothers are spiteful and nasty, self indulgent and callous. Unfortunately yours was, mine too, but tbh they aren’t worth a thought. The best decision you made was to go nc. You and your children deserved better.

No, not in Scotland. Why?

Was she completely of sound mind when she died? The reason I ask is because could there be a chance she didn’t realise it was your birthday?

I would be feeling the same as you.

I worked with a woman who had a mother like yours and when the mother died she left her entire estate to charity. My colleague at the time was single, renting and couldn’t afford to get on the property ladder. Her mother left a CONSIDERABLE sum to charity! Even a small part of it would’ve helped her daughter secure a home.

But she did give you something. She bestowed on you some great lessons of how NOT to be a mother. She showed you what a poor parent looks like and this gives you the opportunity to be a fabulous mum, by doing the complete opposite.

Thanks for the priceless lessons mom.

She sounds like a fairly bitter woman who wanted to get one last spiteful act in. It's a reflection on her and not you. The expression what do you expect from a pig but a grunt springs to mind!

When some people pass they leave us fond memories or something in their will, when others do they leave us freedom which is far more valuable. This is likely to be the last ever way she can hurt you. It's over now and you don't have to deal with what she inflicted on you any longer.

I sorry about your DH's passing. That must have been difficult enough to deal without everything else. In your brief reference to him supporting you with the legal action, it sounds like he had the measure of her too.

Your children don't need her tokenism, they have a mother who raised them well,inspite of the lack of support you had from your own mother.