One last kick in the teeth from dm from beyond the grave

[TeethKicked]

This has really upset me, and I thought she’d upset me as much as she already could :(.

Its a long and boring story but, in essence, dm and I always had a tricky relationship. Things deteriorated when she and my half brother tried to cheat my df (from whom she was long divorced, and who was not my half brother’s father) out of a large sum of money.

She prioritised my half brother over me from the day he was born. Fine - I grew up, dealt with it, maintained a relationship with her for my dc’s sake. But things deteriorated, and for the last 3 years of her life we were no contact. She died 2 years ago.

I found out today that she left my dc nothing in her will - I knew I wouldn’t have got anything but I hoped they might have. She wrote an explanation in her will as to why she’d left everything to my half brother - and the real kicker here is that she wrote it and signed/dated it on my birthday :(.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much but it really has. I’ve been crying all day. She really did hate me didn’t she? :(.

it was a completely deliberate move to make you feel back because you were nc so it was the only move she had left. The final hurrah of a miserable cow.
i don’t believe in karma or spiritual justice but I would imagine nothing good would come of that money. Even if she left them each a million pounds and they bought a mansion you would think of her in that house. Now even if you all live in a 1 bed flat her taint is no where near it.
You’re better off without her.

Why would you have wanted anything for your children from her? I never really understand those kind of expectations when it's from a family member you hated? You were NC and presumably your children also were?

OP, fwiw, my dad did more or less the same (left everything to 2nd wife and her son, failing to mention me and my sister in the will) and tbh I still sometimes struggle with it 20 years later.

It's not really about money or objects, it's about recognition, being written out of your parent's life and the lack of warning. It would have been less bad if he had taken me aside before his death to let me know.

So I don't really have any practical advice - you've got to rise above it somehow but don't kick yourself for struggling to. I hope you find peace.

OP, I hope this thread really does bring you comfort.

I can't even imagine how you must feel but understand this: she did a shitty, shitty thing. You did not deserve this. Her head must have been a dark and horrible place to exist in.

Your best revenge is to live a bright and beautiful life for your sake and your children's. Have you had therapy? You need a safe place to acknowledge your grief and rage.

Put her behind you now. She is literally dead to you. She has no power over you and this was her last pathetic attempt to try and exert control over you. She's dead. You're alive. Go and live your life free of her x

She might not have hated you. She might have had a (misguided) notion of why he needed it more? What did she say was the reason?

For what it’s worth my mother did hate me. She cut me out her will and left it all to random acquaintances who she hardly knew (I’m talking hundreds of thousands of pounds to old school friends she hadn’t seen in 50 years). She did write a letter from beyond the grave, sent by the solicitor, three pages long spelling out how much she hated me.

I honestly couldn’t give a shit, she was a nasty old bitch and her letter and will just reinforced my opinion of her. I sometimes think she did me a favour, if she’d written me a nice letter full of regrets I’d have been more upset. Hopefully at some point soon you can think along similar lines. Yes I’m sad I didn’t have a nicer mother. But at least her behaviour at the end clearly showed it was her.

Remind yourself why you went nc. You don’t want anything from her, even money, because whatever you or the dc bought with it would remind you of her and be forever tainted.

This is something I’m expecting my mum to do. She cut me out of her life for just trying to look after her. As a mum myself I don’t know how any mum could do this. I’d be devastated not to be a part of my childrens’ life and would compromise as much as I could if needed. It won’t be anything you have done. She will have misinterpreted or mixed up something like my mum did and saw her arse about it. My mum carries grudges for life so I’m not even trying to sort it out. Thankfully I own her house so she can’t give that to someone else out of spite. Just keeping thinking it was her issue and nothing you had done. I’m so sorry as it’s an awful position to have to deal with.

The reasons she gave were that our relationship had broken down and I hadn’t bothered with her. Both true - but it broke down and I went nc because of what they tried to do to my df. That was the final nail for me.

Also, my dh died 5 years ago. Our relationship with my half brother had been bad for a long time, and the week after dh died, half brother put up a fb post talking of how he’d lost his “dear brother in law” but that it was a blessing really. That stung like nobody’s business too.

My dc did still have a relationship with my dm (they are in their 20’s) but not a very close one. Saying that, they did make the effort to go and visit her on a few occasions even though we live 3 hours apart.

It sounds like she was rotten through and through
Parents usually leave inheritances to their children, not their grandchildren.
You don't want anything from her, do you? Ugh, tainted, dirty money!?
If she had left you/them something, you would not have wanted to use it and feel obliged to feel grateful/thankful for it, would you? You'd look at the new car (or whatever) and think <shudder> my DM bought this
Better to have no financial gift with its invisible strings, better to be FREEEEEEEEE OF HER.

She was a nasty, childish, spiteful and malicious woman. Unlike you. Well done for coming through a childhood with a woman like that. We can all learn a lesson from people like this in how not to behave. I'm not a religious person but i do wonder, if it were all true, what St Peter would say to a woman like that at the gates of heaven. Send her straight down to the other gates I suspect.

To add to my post above, as one of the adult GCs also left out of the will (despite us visiting her regularly, and my brother - the more local, running errands and doing jobs for her) I was also deeply hurt. My brother and I were very close to our Grandparents as children (she was a poor mother, but a good GM) and in our young adulthood, she had told us to ask for any financial help that we needed. We both really could have done with the help, but as decent young people, we didn't want to ask our elderly GPs for anything, assuming that their income was small.
But apparently she took that to mean that we didn't need her, and was offended that we didn't take her up on it, despite the fact that we'd bothed thanked her for the offer effusively.

So to spite my mum (who she'd had a row with when she made the will), and because we 'didn't need' her, she left everything, including the house, to a charity she didn't even care about.

And my mum had two grandchildren (one of whom is chronically ill and may well not ever be able to work) and she didn’t leave them anything either. I never expected anything but she left enough money that there would have been enough to buy both GC a house. I feel sorry for them, not for me.

I never expected anything but she left enough money that there would have been enough to buy both GC a house. I feel sorry for them, not for me.

Exactly. I didn't expect anything, but when I discovered that she'd disinherited my mum, it hurt that she'd preferred to give such a large amount to a charity apparently chosen at random, rather than to us. I knew her relationship with mum was fraught, but I had thought that she loved my brother and me.

Your Mother was hateful, nasty and bitter for some reason and that was NOT your fault, you protected yourself rightly, and as said this was her last try to hurt you, but read that again, LAST.
She has gone and has nothing left to throw at you, live love and be happy that is the best way to revenge.
You are loved by your children, remember that.

At the end of the day though you went NC.

Whatever the reasons for that were you made it clear that neither you or your children would have a relationship with her.

people aren’t necessarily wrong for going NC, but when they do they do need to realise that NC means just that, NC, and that you will never have anything to do with that person ever again.

She may well have been a spiteful woman which caused you to cut contact with her in the first place, but I don’t necessarily think she was in the wrong for not leaving anything to you or your children.

People on MN very casually suggest to people that they should “go NC,” when actually going NC has outcomes of its own.

I reckon seeing you just reminded her of what an absolutely shite dm she was.

I’m so sorry for others who have had or who are having similar issues, and I am very grateful for all the wise words.

You are all right in saying anything she left my dc would’ve been tainted. They don’t need or want anything from her but, from my point of view, she could’ve made their lives a bit easier. Still, unlike half brother, my dc will find their way. He has never held down a job, has never left home, and lived off her all his life. He’s 46 now. Very sad, empty life.

I'm NC with my parents. I wouldn't expect them to leave anything to my child. You can't have it both ways

I do understand that I went no contact. That was my choice and I don’t regret it. And again, it’s not the fact she didn’t leave me anything that has upset me, it’s the fact she wrote the explanation why and signed and dated her will on my birthday.

I’m so sorry, OP. I hope you got something from your df for you and your DC.

So sorry for your losses.

Take comfort in the fact that your DC can find their own way.

Take care

OP, sending you every positivity and internet-stranger goodwill. It's a low blow, but signing and dating it on your birthday only goes to show how bitter and curdled she was, not you. Hating someone - not least your own flesh and blood - to that degree requires considerable time and effort. She must have been eaten up.

I was fortunate enough to have a loving mum but my father was an abusive monster who hated me in a similar vein. He actually died on my birthday, not that he got much say in that happenstance, but I know he'd have been positively thrilled at it and would probably haunt me if he could. What he didn't realise was that I didn't shed a tear for him and feel no guilt whatsoever for the disintegration of our adult relationship. I was completely cried out the day he slammed my head down the door causing me concussion, told me I deserved to be raped because I was a slut, and ended with the cherry on the cake: I'd find I could never have children because I was unfit to be a mother. (I did end up battling infertility, and it did completely screw with my head).

His hateful behaviour was all about him, and he took out his inadequacies on a defenceless child. That wasn't my fault, any more than your mother's behaviour was yours. Don't feel one shred of guilt over her. The most basic level of care is that of a parent to a child - she failed in hers. That was her failure and can be laid at no one else's door but her own.

I know how this hurts. Sending you

Or piss on it

PS. I got nothing in his Will and I don't need it. I would have given it back. I've made it on my own despite the man my grandfather used to refer to as my 'sire'. And that is ALL he was.

But you went NC and even if that was absolutely the right thing to do, that does mean that being cut out of the will comes with the territory. People don't usually skip generations with inheritances and do usually give to their DC rather than their grandchildren so it may not have been spite. Just a matter of fact that she had two children and was only in contact with one of them.

That's in practical terms however and obviously there is a long and painful history with your mother and half brother so I'd see this as a blessing. You can finally be totally free of the pair of them. Please don't let the past drag you down, hug your children when they get home and tell them you love them. Go and live your life and be happy.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks your sire sounds truly horrific, and you sound truly strong and sorted