One last kick in the teeth from dm from beyond the grave

[TeethKicked]

This has really upset me, and I thought she’d upset me as much as she already could :(.

Its a long and boring story but, in essence, dm and I always had a tricky relationship. Things deteriorated when she and my half brother tried to cheat my df (from whom she was long divorced, and who was not my half brother’s father) out of a large sum of money.

She prioritised my half brother over me from the day he was born. Fine - I grew up, dealt with it, maintained a relationship with her for my dc’s sake. But things deteriorated, and for the last 3 years of her life we were no contact. She died 2 years ago.

I found out today that she left my dc nothing in her will - I knew I wouldn’t have got anything but I hoped they might have. She wrote an explanation in her will as to why she’d left everything to my half brother - and the real kicker here is that she wrote it and signed/dated it on my birthday :(.

I don’t know why this has upset me so much but it really has. I’ve been crying all day. She really did hate me didn’t she? :(.

As far as I'm aware, as you did not get anything, you can legally contest the will

All the best and positivity op

She obviously had her own demons. Perhaps she hates your dad so much that you reminded her of him that she couldn't bare it. It's her doing not yours. It must be so upsetting for you but know this is on her and not you.

This. It says nothing about you but all about her. Did she die bitter and alone - probably. Good luck to her - you obviously have empathy and she didn’t.

Apart from the fact that it would just add to OP's stress and cost a fortune, the DM left a letter with the will explaining her action. I suspect that would make it very difficult to make a case.

Not sure exactly but even with the letter it can still be contested, and depending how much capital is involved, it may be worth the battle

Reflect on the fact that you are already way ahead of her in the parenthood stakes. I'd be mortified if I reached my deathbed knowing that one of my children was at best indifferent to me and wouldn't be mourning me for one second, and the other one was essentially a failure in life.

Why would you have expected anything less? I wouldn't want my dc's to have anything off the spiteful cow anyway.

I don't really understand the mentality of going NC (completely understandable - she sounds horrible) but then expecting something to be left to my dc's in her will?

You had the sum of her - and she knew it. I'm sorry your dm was so nasty - but don't let it make you spiral - that's why she did it, to mess with your head once she'd gone. You're better than that!

I'm so sorry. Cry it out then as others have said start to regain the NC you had in place. Push any thought of her as it enters your brain.

I also like, in situations like this, try to think of helpful imaginary doomer scenarios.

For example imagine if some money had been left to your dc (no idea how old they are) and one bought a dodgy car which then was in an accident you'd wish they'd not inherited enough to buy a car.

Good luck. I think it's truly horrendous that she left all her money to one child and not both but you are no worse off than today. Nothing has been lost. She's just proven how awful she was to you and you were the bigger person all along putting up with your favoured half-brother.

I have some insight as my (full, not half) younger sibling has always been heavily favoured and still is no job, no partner, no achievements, no offspring etc. It's crap but you are fine despite your nasty parent and she can't hurt your any further.

It’s upset you so deeply because you’re a mother and probably cannot comprehend this type of behaviour (I know that’s the case with me and my dm).

Im so sorry that she was this heartless, you never deserved it and neither do your DC. You never needed her in your adult life and neither do your DC, everything you give them is more than enough. Sending love!

You are right to be upset. It was probably suggested by Solicitor to explain reasons to avoid challenge to Will rather than your mum going out of her way to deliberately spell it out. It’s usually done if Will is excluding someone you’d ordinarily expect to inherit or uneven amounts.
Birthday most likely coincidence - phoned by secretary in office when will us ready and offered an appointment to come in and sign it.

If you had no contact for the last years of her life, I think it's unreasonable to expect her to leave anything to your side of the family. I don't know how old your children are, but unless they were very young they might have kept in touch. No contact cuts both ways.

Why would OP want to do that ? She sounds like a caring person, unlike her excuse for a mother .

For you , OP 💐

Since discovering mumsnet a few years back I'm shocked at how many women there are like this. My own mother went NC with her mother when I was a young teenager and despite having spent many a happy weekend with gran she moved and we never saw her again. It never struck me to be unhappy that we didn't receive an inheritance from her so hopefully if you don't mention it in front of your children they will not be hurt by it.

Roll on 50 years and my mother has done the same with me, too long a story to go into but my brother, who had not been in touch for years, reappeared on the scene when parents both in mid/late 80s. I fully expect that he will get any money she has to give but I'm actually hoping she does as being the softie I am I know I will feel guilty if she gives it to me (despite having absolutely nothing to feel guilty about but she did a good manipulative job of emotional abuse on me from being a little child) Wash your face, have a 🍷 and be kind to yourself, it will take a while to feel better but it does get easier and hurts a little less as time goes by.💐

To be honest, I think her signing it on your birthday was not by design but by appointment. So don't take that to heart.

But I'm sorry you had such a lousy relationship with her.

You could reframe it and see it as her doing you a favour and showing you, even from the grave, exactly who she was and what a failure she was as a mother. Now you know unequivocally that you were justified in going NC with her.

I always think people with shit parents are more determined to be the best parent they can be and I'll bet you make an effort to be that for your DC. She gave you that, even when she intended to give you nothing at all. So take that as a victory she didn't mean you to have.

Maybe because she felt most hurt on that day, not being able to contact you on your birthday.

I was about to say the same thing. It seems very unlikely that she chose your birthday deliberately. Wills aren't made in a day, and I imagine that if she used a solicitor, it will have taken time to draw up, and then for her to write that letter. Then she'll just have been called in to sign it at a time that suited the solicior.
So if you can let go of the date thing, I think that might help.

Enjoy the life you have forged for yourself best wishes

That is exactly what I’d be doing in this situation. Not about the money so much, more just so I could have the last laugh and not let her win.

maintained a relationship with her for my dc’s sake.

do you not like your DC? Because I can’t fathom why you would want to subject them to her

OP leaving money to your DC would have been a double-edged sword. At least this way, "Look what Granny did, maybe she was nice after all" is definitely not what you'd DC will be saying, ever.

However the old cow did leave you a massive gift: doubley proving to everybody who knows or asks just what she was actually like.

She thinks she got the last word, but you got the last laugh.

And now, while I appreciate a lot of mixed feelings can come up (I'm also NC) , at least you're really free of her.

What did her explanation say?

Oh op, I am so sorry that your mum did that.
Sadly, not all mums are good people.
Focus your energy on being the best mum to your kids.
Sending love and hugs xxxx
Surround yourself with positive people and energy.

How were you notified OP of the will?