To know I’m going to waste my two days holiday

[checkedcloth]

I have zero motivation. I’ve got two days off work which I need so much as I am so tired. But yet my mindset is setting it up to be such a waste.

it’ll be mostly doing school runs and supermarket shopping etc.

I feel so fed up that I have nothing planned for myself, but yet I’d be wrecked with guilt if I did as I haven’t got much spare cash at all.

Im menopausal, and am hating this side of me that fails to see any joy and is paralysed to do anything.

essentially I just feel so bloody sorry for myself, I hate it.

You do need to have a proper conversation with him at some point - I suspect that’s where a lot of the resentment is coming from (not unreasonably).

But that’s not for today, you don’t want it to colour your time off. How about going to B and M and spending £10 on beautifying things - face masks, hair masks and foot peels are about £1 each, plus some lovely smelling body lotion. Then maybe library for a book or treat yourself to a magazine and go and sit in a coffee shop or hotel lobby somewhere with a coffee?

Why credit card? You'll have to pay it off anyway unless you're letting the debt pile up.
Do some calculations regarding your essential spends and add that to the bills. Tell him he needs to start putting a bit more in towards bills as they've been rebalanced and costs have gone up.

@checkedcloth

Don't feel guilty about a small treat on a credit card op else life is a constant drag.

I'm with you. Every month I get my spends which isn't alot and like you it goes on similar things so a lunch out isn't always an option.

On a rare day off with no kids at home I get up early and do the usual sorting like dishwasher tidying up any daily crap so by the time the kids leave it's done.

I then go and find a cafe somewhere get myself a coffee (filter coffee is cheaper)and a breakfast roll and I sit in peace and read my kindle with my self.
It's bliss.
I take my time.

I then go for a long walk and listen to a podcast and by the time I get home I'm so much more relaxed.

Costs a few quid but helps me re set and I don't feel like I've wasted a day off then.

Have an afternoon nap for an hour and then sit and watch crap on tv.

Life's bloody hard at the minute so any little things you can do like that just to have a day to yourself will make all the difference

Are you on a prepay prescription cert? They shouldn't be costing more than £10 per month via direct debit (and I would reclassify as a bill, not your discretionary money).

This list isn't long and so I don't think you can have much spare. Can you look through other bills and see if anything can be cut? You deserve to have some spending money.

As for 2 days off, it's ok to sleep and recharge for a bit. After that then going through bank statements etc on your own would be a good use of time. Get the full picture before talking to DH. Maybe then spend an hour or 2 having a sort out of a room which annoys you (your wardrobe?) and finding bits to sell on eBay?

When dh wasn't working from home I asked him to only pay for nice lunches from his money and put the rest on the joint account- so meal deals on the joint account and restaurants he pays himself. I also suggested petrol comes out of joint money because so much of his was for a massive commute so it wasn't fair.

Some good suggestions above. It seems it's the guilt you need to deal with. Just getting yourself out of the house would be a good start. The cafe with a book sounds lovely. Lose yourself a little. Cinema? Not expensive, and no one can reach you there!

Sorry to say but I feel exactly the same.
I have decreased my hours but now seem to do more of the dog walking and bloody admin, shopping etc.
That said, I can spend money on what I like. We aren't rich but I wouldn't think twice about a coffee or glass of wine.
If dh can go away on breaks then you should too. The fact that you have more outgoings with work and meds should be taken I to account before you divvy up the expendables.
When my dh works from home I leave him a couple of things to do in his lunch break like phones calls or hang out the washing.
I worked from home while home Ed two kids so I'm sure he can do a couple of tasks.
You really do need to sit down and speak to him. Show him what you have written here.
That said. A nice day either sat in the garden or watching netflix would be a good one for me.

Everyone have said what I was going to say so I won't repeat it. I've been in your shoes and it's exhausting, I had a sleep over at my cousin's house alone. Can you book a night at a cheap hotel so you can sleep and recharge. Cheap premier INN?

I know you said money is tight but this is essential for your mental health. Think of it like a mental health MOT.

Going forward you need to consider your commute, any chance of getting a job closer to home? As a short term fix, sell unwanted household items and spend it on your self. Stick it on vinted, local market places and use it on yourself.

I'm planning to go to the cinema tomorrow while kids are in school by myself. It's essential me time because a cinema trip with children can be an ordeal. If you don't maintain a car it will break down and its the same for a human.

do you have a blue light card op?
you can get vouchers for things

But the problem is if OP's dh works from home she won't get a lovely ' treat yourself at home' day since he's going to be around the whole time.

The only suggestions that would work are the away from
home ones - long walk/ time at a coffee shop etc

But a day spent reassessing family money might be the most useful way to spend days off work. Maybe peri/ menopause is the time to galvanise your thoughts on the pecking order in the family (stag weekend vs not even a facial/ massage)

Good luck @checkedcloth with your 2 days

You are not wasting your time if you are doing what you want or need to do.

I sleep a lot when I am off. My DH says I have wasted the day. I totally disagree.

Op, spend the money. Don't have guilt. It's essential you get some joy in your life.

MN gives you permission so do it!

Do you have a garden OP, l don 't have alot of spare cash, but l have created a lovely outdoor space l sit and enjoy. Do you have a friend you could go on a nice walk with, or sit and have a coffee ? Resting and taking it slower is not wasted time, its better than a form of medicine and vital for wellbeing. You need to put more value on yourself, you deserve a treat, don' t feel guilty, its self care.

Are you anywhere near any Botanical gardens ?
We have some nice ones near us and if I'm broke it's a very relaxing way to spend an afternoon.

Any Tesco vouchers? If so use them for a cinema ticket and go and see Top Gun for pure escapism.

Oh and DH and I have a similar set up to what you describe.

Medication (i.e. HRT) would definitely be coming out of the joint pot as a necessary expense.

For food at work I tend to buy meal deals in with the weekly shopping and bring them into work so that also comes out of joint account.

I've also managed to move hair to joint as told DH otherwise I'd just use the dog clippers like he does and he was a bit horrified by the thought of that.

I have full empathy with you, especially the simmering resentment. Recently I had a day off. I went to the park, had a little walk, sat on a bench and relaxed. Being out the house helps reduce the 'I should be doing....'. I then had not one but TWO ice creams from the ice cream van. As an adult, I don't need any limits on ice cream.

I feel guilty spending money on just me. Although, my little luxury is having my eyelashes done. I make savings elsewhere for this to happen. Having something regular, makes it feel more 'essential' less of a treat. Looking after yourself and your wellbeing is essential, especially giving your job. You emotionally and physically exhaust yourself every shift.

This thread is making me really angry on your behalf.

you’re the higher earner, working 12 hour shifts with 2 hour commutes. You spend all weekend doing housework and kids activities and you can’t allow yourself a facial whilst your husband is swanning off on holidays?

something is seriously imbalanced in your relationship. Use your time off to get your head around how it came to be that you’re treated like shit. You deserve better, much much better x

OP are you working 12 hours a day Mon - Fri with a further 2 hours a day commuting every day?

If my understanding is correct then I think this is unsustainable.

Or, do you work 3 long 12 hour days and have 2 rest days in the week?

Can you move your family closer to your job?

Your haircuts, work attire, food at work and commuting costs should come out of the shared pot, not your personal spending money. Esp as you are the key breadwinner.

His spending money will have to be reduced to balance things out.

What ages are you both?

This.

Also if he WFH does he pay for workday lunches, snacks and beverages out of his personal spending allowance??

Of course not. So why should your work day expenses come out of your money?

It's so unbalanced.

I am so grateful for everyone’s responses. You will not realise how much your advice and support means.

I am 45 years old. My menopause is hitting me very hard, despite on max of HRT. I think the stress of my job is driving that.

I leave the house at 6.45am and home 7-8pm most nights. That’s everyday and in additionally I do on calls maybe 4-5 nights a month which can mean home after 9pm. However this goes with the territory of my job and in my position these roles are few and far between hence my need to travel so far.

there is an imbalance, you are right and I need to be clear with DH about that means for me.

he does do an awful lot around the house to be fair, it’s just that his version of doing things are not the same as mine. I have little time to even write a list for him to do the weekly shop. Hence why there is no food for me suitable to take to work.

but I need to address that all - and stop being the martyr.

I have set the tone this am and am having a coffee in the garden centre. I am genuinely interested in getting into gardening - the little that I do gives me so much pleasure.

Your commute and prescriptions are essential so should come from the joint pot. If he argues, just say fine, you’ll go 50:50 with him on bills and both keep what you have left from your individual salaries. Sure he will change his tune pretty quick!

OP I know how you feel. My life is similar and with the cost of living rising me and dh have tightened our belts more than ever. In the long run it does work because your finances are ok but in the short term my hair is a mess, my face is a mess my clothes are tatty!!

Anyway, I also took time off recently and instead of saying I'm wasting my day (and I totally get what you mean) I have tried to look at it in a different light, i am tired, I need rest from running around all the time, spending too much will stress me out more, so I bought some bath bombs grabbed a book and sat in the bath relaxing with no dc or dh to ruin it, I watched shite tv then had a nap up until the school pick up time. Would I tell anyone IRL about my rather underwhelming day off? No but I do feel a lot better!!!

Sometimes taking time out to recharge is ok. That may mean having a boring day off and that's ok but it's not a waste, it's much needed recuperation from a busy life.

One small tip:

Make a shopping list template including all of your usual purchases. Print multiple copies. Then each week or whatever, you can just tick off the needed items rather than writing a list from scratch. Saves time.

Gardening is very restorative. Even if you can't do hands-on immediately, the research via library books, magazines, blogs, garden centres etc is relaxing to the mind. Studies show that anticipation of pleasurable things is as good for mental health as the actual activity.