I can ignore this text can't I?

[Zippidy123]

I started a thread last week about my elderly neighbour letting herself into my house. As advised, I didn't say anything to her but I make sure I now lock my door.

I'm finding her too much at the moment. I understand she's lonely but I have some health problems and I just need space. She's messaged or phoned me every day since. I've just had a missed call, an answer phone message and a text asking me to pop over and look at something shes bought.

I feel like such a bitch not replying but I can't face it. I'm not feeling well, I'm trying to sort out some food and the pets. It's driving me mad but I know it's important to help people who are lonely. I keep thinking that might be menone day and how much I'd appreciate a friend.

She has let herself in to your home and that is a time to set boundaries. So a simple sorry i am busy this eve reply to her text is sufficient.

Is there a reason she is relient on you and not her own family?

Well I'd reply - if you can write about it on here you can take a minute to just say 'sorry really busy at the moment I'll be in touch later in the week'. You don't have to say anything more. Otherwise she might fret and be around yours banging on the door.

Couldn't you just reply with "sorry, can't pop round, will let you know when it's more convenient"

Or something similar?

I would consider that level of pestering to be bordering on harassment, frankly. I think 'grey rock' is probably your best option at the moment.

It's awkward with you being neighbours, but it's fairly obvious to me that her walking, uninvited and unexpected, into your home was the last straw to you. It certainly would have been to me.

If anyone dares to mention it, there's your answer. If she carries on harrassing you, a firm, even stern note through her door should suffice.

Look after yourself. She is not your responsibility.

You don’t have to be at her beck and call. Maybe reply and set at a time when it suits you, eg. “I’ll come over for coffee on Friday to see the new purchase”. Ie. Start calling the shots and directing the narrative.

Depends what you want going forward? Tell her you are not up to chats at the moment, but hope she is ok. It sounds like she is lonely and it would be sad to cut her off permanently - unless you really cant cope with it at all. But maybe set a limit at the moment, tell her when you can see her and then see how you feel.

Thanks everyone. Her family all live abroad. Don't get me started on that. I did all her shopping through covid, didn't get so much as a text to say thanks from her daughter (the neighbour did thank me herself but I know if my elderly mum had been shielding during the pandemic and someone had stepped up to help her I would have just sent a text to say thankyou).

I would send a quick reply to say you can't make it but you could come round another day . Set boundaries, yes she is probably lonely, yes it somewhat sad but its also not your responsibility. Could you give her some numbers of befriending charities local to you. That may solve some of the issues.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers I dont want to cut her off completely, I just need some breathing space particularly while I'm not well. I've told her in the past that I'm not in good health so inwont be able to help as much and it back fired big time as she was then checking in on me, commenting on my weight loss, how pale I was etc. Since covid I've felt like she's my responsibility. She gave me a key to her house (on her daughters instructions). She gave me her daughters phone number. It's just too much.

Maybe from now on don't answer her calls or respond to voice messages. Just reply to texts with whatever answer you want to give - "not today, sorry" "not convenient right now" etc.

To be honest you could also send her daughter a text and say you feel like it's expected that you are responsible for her mother, and you are not up to that, and will be returning the key.

"Not today, but send me a photo! I'm busy now for a few days, speak to you soon"

Honesty is the best policy. Kindness is too.

Kindly tell her that you’re overwhelmed at the moment and that you’re taking a step back from everything and you hope she understands.

Then take a step back. Don’t say, “later this week,” or “next week,” or put any pressure on yourself. She may very well be lonely, but it really isn’t your responsibility - or your job - to remedy that.

It’s far more cruel to keep putting her off than it is to be honest.

Fuck, what a shit situation! She sounds desperately lonely but ypu need space. She is going to be hurt and damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Can you just dedicate an hour a week for a coffee with her? And be very clear that is all you can spare for the foreseeable future?

She gave me her daughters phone number. It's just too much.
Text the daughter. Throws it back into her court. State you were happy to have been present and able to provide her mother with day-to-day support over Covid, but right now you're preoccupied and involved in dealing with your own personal circumstances (don't give any detail). Explain that her mother is making multiple daily contacts and has been found letting herself into your house, but you don't have the time or capacity to respond to every request for a chat. You have your own life. Tell her you're concerned that her mother may need additional support.

It is sad she is lonely but unfair she is depending so much on you.
I would also text

'Please send me a photo of the item as I am busy this week, see you at the end of next week. Have a good week'

She needs to build her own life op, and if you are unwell it is especially unhelpful for her to be pestering you. I would say tell her you are ill, but then she is likely to get worse not better.

Don't react tonight, but message tomorrow saying, sorry for delay in replying, but not feeling great right now. If she keeps contacting you, just tell her you've got an ongoing illness or need to relax at the moment- neither of which are untrue as you need to relax from her. Hopefully she'll take the hint, and the relationship will end up as a quick hello, or a neighbourly chat as and when.

Oh, yes, send a text with exactly what @DogInATent just said. Especially the bit at the end about support 👌

youlightupmyday I really don't want to set up a formal, hour a week type of commitment. I think I'd end up having to do that on top of all this extra stuff.

I've never had any contact with the daughter. The neighbour just said the daughter wanted me to have her number, the daughter hasn't even got mine! (Well I don't think she has, she's not on my WhatsApp and I know my neighbour texts her on WhatsApp)

I'm just so pissed off with it. Every time I drive into the street I'm wondering if she's going to appear and often she does. She notices everything, if I've bought something new, if I've got my hair tied up, if I'm not working my usual hours. I feel like I'm being stalked.

I messaged her just now, said sorry I can't come over this evening, very busy. She immediately phoned me. I ignored it. She sent me a long voice mail explaining what she'd bought.

She's estranged from the rest of her family and I'm starting to wonder if it wasn't all their fault after all.

You’ve done the best thing!

Lesve it a couple of hours and then text back saying oh wow that sounds really nice (or something).

Take longer to reply and make excuses that you are busy. Even if you say you’re WFH or something or doing an evening course.

You owe this neighbour nothing, so don't 'put aside an hour a week'! Why the hell should you?! Most people don't see their own parents or close friends that often.

I think a long, slow fade is in order. Are there any charities local to you that offer befriending volunteers? That may take the pressure off.

We had a lovely elderly neighbour whose husband died not long after we moved in. We invited her around for dinner sometimes and I took her out occasionally. She, and her family, really appreciated it, and she was so wary of 'imposing' even though we assured her she wasn't. Your neighbour appears to have no self awareness.

I think it's kinder to be firmer now.

"Hi, Neighbour. I'm sorry I don't have time at the moment to reply to lots of texts or to listen to long voicemails.
I really need time to focus on my own issues at the moment and I would really appreciate it if you could only text in an absolute emergency.
I don't need any help with this at all so please do not call or text to check up on me or let yourself into my house. I just need some time and space to myself for a while and the best help you could give me would be respecting my wishes."

Failing that call social services and explain her situation. Age concern might be able to help and can also contact her daughter directly.

I'd contact the daughter, explain you're dealing with some personal issues and finding her mums contact a bit too much but you don't want to upset her mum but you can't offer the support and friendship you did during covid.

Then you're giving the daughter notice that you're not available and hopefully she will contact mother.

Reply but with something like, but hectic this week, how about a cup of tea on Friday, or whenever suits. If you can do a weekly cup of tea, that will make a world of different, but be clear you are busy and can’t be at beck and call.

I am slightly horrified by people outraged that you should offer any time at all. No wonder our communities are breaking down.

Do also be clear the daughter needs to pull her finger out. Apart from doing her personal bit, I’d suggest that she checks out things like U3A and other activities that would give her mum company and stimulation.

I'm not going to reply now, there's nothing I really need to respond to.

I feel sad for her but also annoyed all mixed up into one. She's said to me before now that her daughter has tried to get her to join different groups but they're 'just not my cup of tea'.

I think if I wasn't dealing with chronic pain I'd be far more tolerant of it all but I get in from work and all I want to do is have a bath and lie down.

I also worry that this situation is going to get worse as she gets older. I've also got my own ageing parents (who are very independent at the moment thankfully).

I'm just going to have to start being a bit firmer, I've been taken advantage of so much in my life. I was ghosted by a close friend 2 years ago. I'd spent years helping her out with her DC, picking them up from school, looking after them while she worked, giving them their tea etc. I really enjoyed doing it, it's what friends do isn't it-help eachother. Then she gets a live in boyfriend and I'm ghosted.

I know this isn't the same but I do need to wise up I think!

Today's text is to say she's made sausages rolls, fresh out of the oven if I'd like to pop over for some. No need for anyone to reply, I just need somewhere to vent!