I can ignore this text can't I?

[Zippidy123]

I started a thread last week about my elderly neighbour letting herself into my house. As advised, I didn't say anything to her but I make sure I now lock my door.

I'm finding her too much at the moment. I understand she's lonely but I have some health problems and I just need space. She's messaged or phoned me every day since. I've just had a missed call, an answer phone message and a text asking me to pop over and look at something shes bought.

I feel like such a bitch not replying but I can't face it. I'm not feeling well, I'm trying to sort out some food and the pets. It's driving me mad but I know it's important to help people who are lonely. I keep thinking that might be menone day and how much I'd appreciate a friend.

I've literally just got in from work, I've put my slobs on, I'm making tea, I'm in pain. I've had enough!!

And now a phone call and a voice mail. I can guarantee if I dont respond there'll be a knock at the door within the hour.

Put headphones on with loud music and ignore her. It will be painful but eventually she should get the message.

Message and say you are going to bed with a migraine, your doctor has suggested lots of rest and quiet and you will be in touch in a few days

Thank her in advance for respecting your space and needs

That is so suffocating. I think it's going to have to be one of those extremely uncomfortable conversations (even if it's via text) to say you have loads on your plate with work and various commitments and you're finding it too much hearing from her every day. You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes and in this instance you have to be kind to yourself. One hard conversation where you stand firm and then maybe a month of awkwardness when you see her out on the road etc. And then you're free

jackstini I've tried that in the past by being truthful about my health problems and it was the worst thing I could have done. She then started checking up on me, commenting on my appearance etc.

I'm going to have to have a gentle word with her. I cant carry on like this. My home is my sanctuary, as it should be for everyone and I feel smothered.

How about just replying "no thanks" to the sausage roll message?

I'd text and tell her you didn't want to say anything last night but you're in lots of pain and struggling to cope with anything other than looking after yourself (and work if you work), so want to chill until you feel better. Ignore any further texts, phone calls or knocks on the door.

She's going to have to realise you can't be there for her all the time - the hello, neighbourly chat or if she really does need help, but nothing more.

A gentle word will make no difference. You need to break up with her.

'Margaret. I just got in from work. We are not a couple. I do not want your sausage rolls. You've contacted me more than my nearest and dearest and this is too much. I'll drop your key over later in the week but please stop calling, texting and messaging me...Starting with not responding to this message. Good day to you. Zip'.

It can be really hard to find balance with a neighbour like this. I stepped up during lockdown to help out with an elderly neighbour. I could write an essay about how I came to realise he was actually a selfish and misogynist old coot who thought he was cleverly manipulating a handful of neighbours. He's lazy, and liked having a woman like me running around after him. He completely misjudged me though and acted like a petulant child when I finally had enough and stood up to him.
But I put up with far more than I should have because all my gentle nudges were quite deliberately 'misunderstood' by him. He also became intrusive when I pointed out I had my own health issues to contend with.

I was in contact with his adult child throughout and became very aware that he is alone because of his behaviour to family and friends over the years.

And if she is estranged from her family, then yes maybe there is good reason for it. My own Nan had driven us away with her awful behaviour. Her neighbours thought she was ignored and neglected by us and that we were awful. They were shocked at her funeral to hear a few truths about her.

I’d message back telling her to only contact you in an emergency: seems harsh, but she is smothering you and you’re on edge in your own home.

There are charities and support services now geared toward alleviating loneliness. She is not your responsibility and whatever her personal circumstances she has no right to drain your time and energy in this way. I agree with PPs that nothing other than a firm reestablishment of boundaries (sky-high, reinforced ones) is likely to get through to someone as thick-skinned as this.

Yes, that sounds harsh. But there's a limit to what can reasonably be expected of a neighbour's goodwill, and any reasonable person knows that such demanding levels of contact far exceed that limit. It's unfortunate, but this situation is a clear demonstration of that old saying 'no good deed goes unpunished'.

This - do this. Get to the point where YOU are calling the shots here.

Also, contact the daughter and say that you're going to hand back the key as you took it on the now, clearly misguided impression that contact would be for emergencies only, and you're no up to the level of contact that her mother clearly wants now.

Time for the daughter to step up here and visit her mother more often (if she is even interested in doing that). I'd say the neighbour sees you as a surrogate daughter and the lines have been blurred here. Time to get them back into focus.

You need to contact the daughter and let her sort it out. It's the only way at this stage.

Actually seeing the latest about the sausage rolls, you need to speak plainly and honestly with her as @AlisonDonut suggests.
I hope you're starting to feel better soon. This can't be easy for you.

Thanks for all replies. She's just messaged me again, saying they're going cold!

I think if you tell her you are in pain etc she will feel she needs to help you more. I would send Alisondonuts reply. It's firm but fair and to the point without being mean. This stress will not be helping your pain levels. Both my dds have chronic pain conditions and I know stress makes it worse with regards to the pain and how they deal with it.

So sorry Zippidy123. I'm 65 and about 20 years ago my neighbour got involved with her elderly NDN. She was running round in her half hour lunch break looking for his 'brand' of ginger nuts, taking days off work to take him to hospital, it was full on. Then one day he started banging on the wall, and she rushed round into his house to find him just in a shirt without any pants or trousers, poo everywhere. That was it, she had nothing more to do with him and his family had to take responsibility for him. I vowed never to help anyone, which seems very mean, but some families seem to take advantage of neighbourly kindness and it's very wrong.

Id text something like, kind of you to think of me but im going to relax on my own, no socialising.

That makes her see you dont NEED to socialise with hervand you arent lonely.

I wouldn't want to be qny ruder than necessary either!

I think she would be much better in sheltered accommodation. I would phone her daughter rather than text her because I wouldn't want text evidence to be passed on. I would say that I've been happy to do all those things during Covid but it's just getting too much and too intrusive. I'd recommend she goes into sheltered accommodation, organised by her daughter.

Move house

Sausage rolls? Sorry, but that would break my resolve.

<not helpful>
😂

Actually I think a message like this might help:

"Hi Margaret, Thanks for the offer of the sausage rolls tonight. I'm only in from work and need time to myself now. Speaking of which, while we were in lockdown, I didn't mind looking out for you and getting you a few bits when I was out but as things are returning to normal, I'm not available for sausage rolls, quick chats or anything else at the moment. Please don't phone me, text me or call in as I'm really quite busy now at work and when I'm finished work, I need my downtime to be mine. I'll contact you again when things ease up here, but for the moment, I'm going to have pause the neighbourly-ness we have. Please only contact me for emergency purposes. All the best, Zippidy123"

.....and I've just had the knock on the door. I answered and took the damn sausage rolls. I couldn't face dealing with it on the doorstep. I need to compose a text and contact her daughter.

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions.

A poster up thread suggested various charities which are there specifically to help people in her situation. I'm guessing this situation is very common and it might help to contact one of them. Or Age Concern and explain the issue and maybe they can talk to her.. and offer other source of help or socialising that would be more suitable than depending on just one person for everything, especially one who is having their own issues. Then it might be easier to say to her clearly that she needs to back up a bit.. and it won't be so hard because she'll have another source of help/contact. I do think its kinder in the long run to be very clear with her, but I can imagine its another worry when you just don't feel like it. Hope the rest of your evening is fuss free.