I can ignore this text can't I?

[Zippidy123]

I started a thread last week about my elderly neighbour letting herself into my house. As advised, I didn't say anything to her but I make sure I now lock my door.

I'm finding her too much at the moment. I understand she's lonely but I have some health problems and I just need space. She's messaged or phoned me every day since. I've just had a missed call, an answer phone message and a text asking me to pop over and look at something shes bought.

I feel like such a bitch not replying but I can't face it. I'm not feeling well, I'm trying to sort out some food and the pets. It's driving me mad but I know it's important to help people who are lonely. I keep thinking that might be menone day and how much I'd appreciate a friend.

What are you now her secretary? Block her and give her the key back. Jesus wept.

AlisonDonut I can see what she's doing, she's now 'looking out for me', keeping an eye on my property while I'm out. I dont need her to! I did reply and said you don't need to worry about anything going on near my house, I've got my ring camera for that.

If the daughter speaking to her doesn't stop things then Im going to have to block her which I really don't want to have to do.

Sounds like the neighbor has dumped her on to you .

You really do have the patience of a saint - I'd have blocked her long ago as that level of contact would actually really cause me a lot of stress and I wouldn't be able to cope with it.

I think you did the right thing. We did the shopping every single week for our elderly neighbours during lockdown. Then we got 'pinged' by track and trace and their own family actually had to help them out.

They live nearby and they made such a fuss and didn't even say thank you for the previous year or so, that I flat refused to help again, so they had to start coming weekly. Which actually ended up being better for the elderly couple because they then spent the time showing them how to use the internet/mobile phone etc.

I'm sorry she's still being a pain.

My neighbour claimed eventually that he couldn't get his phone to ring mine and would message his daughter who then had to contact me. The thing is, that what he was also doing was getting various other neighbours and even people just walking past (yes, total strangers!) to knock my door to ask me to go over and help. So his daughter thought I was only being requested to help every so often with actual legitimate things, when actually requests were almost daily and often for completely stupid things.

I have to say the point at which it totally escalated was due to him taking something he was categorically told he could not have. For the second time. Both times he waited until both my husband and I were out and got a neighbour (1st time) and passing stranger (2nd time) to come onto our property to get said item.
I did not want to 'fall out' with my neighbour, it's really not my style. But I realised at that point that I just had to burn the bridge. Because he was so thick skinned, manipulative and entitled that he was just not going to change. (and he is still getting other neighbours to run around after him. They all complain, but i just make sympathetic noises and don't get involved.)

So very sorry, I do hope the daughter steps up and takes responsibility for her Mum.

I live 350 miles away from my 85 year old aunt, I haven't been able to get over to see her since 2019. Today I have realised how much she relied on her neighbour (younger than me, I think she's 60, I share my aunt's LPOA with her but it's not activated yet), who has been away staying with her parents for some months now due to their fraility/illness, and sadly her Dad has just died. My aunt announced today that she 'wants to move so she has nice neighbours' - it's a block of four flats about a minute away from where she is now, with older retired people. I'm hoping to dissuade her as it's going to take all of her savings so she won't be able to pay for carers when she feels she needs them. I think this sudden announcement is because her neighbour is probably going to sell up and she's scared of the unknown. I did try to move down south to be nearer to her, but just didn't have the budget.

I'd be saying "how is that an emergency for me"!

Just wondering if things have improved since you had the conversation with your neighbour's daughter @Zippidy123 ?

LookItsMeAgain I thought it had, I had 3 days of peace and quiet however, I've just had a missed called and a voice message from her as she needs help making a doctors appointment. I've replied saying her daughter will have to help her as I'm busy. I feel terrible doing it but I know I've got to or ill lose the plot!

I think you'll have to get to the point, not of directing her to her daughter, which she is fully aware that she could do but doesn't because you're handier to her, where you say to her "Margaret - this simply is not an emergency. I've told you that I'm only available to you now for emergencies only".

If you have an iPhone, there is an option under Settings called Focus. You could add her number to "Do Not Disturb" list so that during certain hours of the day she won't be able to get through to your mobile and, as far as I know, it would queue her texts and divert her calls to voicemail without you 'missing' any calls.

I really do feel for you here. You were only doing a nice thing and it's come back to bite you on the bum! It will get better.

LookItsMeAgain thankyou. I am finding this really difficult, she's just a lonely elderly lady who needs support, if it wasn't for the replies on this thread I'd still be at her beck and call. I know I've got to be firm about it though.

There's a name for this. It's called 'learned helplessness'.

She knows what she is doing, OP. She may be a lonely lady but she is also a grown adult who is capable of something as simple as making a medical appointment - without assistance.

If she's reached a stage where she isn't, she needs significant intervention from the state or should contact adult social services. I'm wondering whether the kinder thing to do is now to moot that suggestion.

Unfortunately I think your only call is to stop responding. She knows that if you don't do this, she'll end up on your doorstep and it might be useful to think of preventative strategies, locked gates etc., to prevent this from happening too. A suggestion that if she can't manage a medical appointment you're going to have her daughter call Adult Social Services herself might just be effective, too.

People like this rely on others being 'nice' and unwilling to challenge their vampiric behaviour (sounds harsh, but that's what it is). If 'nice' isn't working then you're going to need stronger boundaries in place. Unfortunately, I doubt you're going to be able to do this without fallout, as when people's needs cease to be met there's a tendency to push back - hard.

You owe her absolutely nothing.

Is she not able to phone the doctors?

Everything in @MarieIVanArkleStinks posts echoes my thoughts.

My neighbour gives the impression of this lonely old man. But I know he has previously been part of clubs and societies and was an active member in his church and people from these are willing to help him still attend. But he knows if he is seen to be doing too much for himself, his neighbours who are on hand will step back.
He's a very capable and intelligent man. He acts otherwise because he is essentially a spoilt brat who likes people fawning over him.
Several of us put him in touch with things like Age Uk but he doesn't want help from them because there are rules and regulations and he knows he can't abuse the staff the way he does his neighbours. (which is exactly what happened in lockdown when I passed him over to the local Volunteer Group for shopping and prescriptions)

Yes I'm afraid you'll need to get tougher (and maybe a touch less polite) in your dealings with her. You've done a very good thing in looking out for her during Lockdown one and beyond, but she's now trying to infiltrate your life so you are her constant support. You now need to look after your own physical and mental health or you will be Ill - and then where will you be?

You sound such a kind and helpful person OP, but your boundaries are being ignored. Protect yourself now. 🌹

If she has a dog she must be able to care for it /walk.
If she is capable of making sausage rolls.
SHE is capable of making a drs appointment.

Also, if she can phone you, why can't she phone the doctors herself?

She knows what she's doing. You could contact social services and say you have concerns, or if it's getting too much (which honestly sounds like to me) contact the police to get her to back off.

Hope you’re coping @Zippidy123

Is she still coming round and calling you or has it all stopped now?

Thankyou for checking in. Well things went from bad to weird.

My dad visits me often. He's a lovely man, the kindest gentleman (I know I'm biased as his daughter but he really is). He always has time for people and has often stopped to chat to this neighbour. I hadnt wanted to bother him with the issues I'd been having so I hadn't said anything (I was worried he'd then think himself an additional burden to me which of course he'd never be).

Anyway, he'd seen her in the street and said to her that he'd pop in for a cup of tea next time he was visiting. Hes never done that before but could probably sense that she's lonely. He's known her for almost 10 years now. I was oblivious to this until I had a phone call off her and a voice mail to ring her urgently which I did. She said my dad had seen her in the street, grabbed her hand and told her he was going to visit her. She said she felt very uncomfortable and didn't want him in the house.

Well I was flabbergasted, I understand she's alone and maybe feels vulnerable but this is my dad. When he's talking to someone sincerely he does sometimes hold their hand briefly, he might hug you on seeing you and then shake your hand in both of his.

It's never crossed my mind that it would make someone feel uncomfortable. I said to her, that's fine, just say to him if he knocks that you're busy or just don't answer the door. No, she can't do that, it's rude. Fine, I'll speak to him about it. No, she doesn't want me to do that either.

It was just the final straw. I'm not putting my dad in a situation where he's trying to do a nice thing buis actually making someone uncomfortable in their own home so I told him everything. He was amazing, told me to cut all contact, I owe her nothing. So I sent a very blunt message to say contact had to stop completely. So far it has 🤞

Sorry that was so long! I've put some random paragraphs in to try and break it up a bit!

Just to add, I do understand she's every right to not want someone in her home, that's entirely her perogative. What upset me was that she got me involved in it but gave me no options to actually resolve the situation. She should have just dealt with it herself and not answered the door or said she was busy when he knocked. It was just really unpleasant to hear someone say that about my dad and she should have kept me out of it.

Well done op. Did she respond to you saying to stop contact?

No, no reply at all which is a bit unnerving. I haven't seen her in the street either. It's still causing me stress because I'm nervous about what she'll do when I do see her but it's still all fresh so hopefully the dust will settle.

I feel for you. It must be so hard. One of my mother’s friends has daughters living abroad, and they think their mother is fine, letting other people help her. I think they’re in denial about how old/ in need of support she is.