I can ignore this text can't I?

[Zippidy123]

I started a thread last week about my elderly neighbour letting herself into my house. As advised, I didn't say anything to her but I make sure I now lock my door.

I'm finding her too much at the moment. I understand she's lonely but I have some health problems and I just need space. She's messaged or phoned me every day since. I've just had a missed call, an answer phone message and a text asking me to pop over and look at something shes bought.

I feel like such a bitch not replying but I can't face it. I'm not feeling well, I'm trying to sort out some food and the pets. It's driving me mad but I know it's important to help people who are lonely. I keep thinking that might be menone day and how much I'd appreciate a friend.

You could be talking about my MIL. We live far away, but that doesn't stop the multiple calls each day, up to 10 times a day for my husband. If I don't answer because I'm working, she will keep calling until I do. Suffocating is indeed the right word. We are in the list to speak to her doctor, and have had to call multiple times for her suicide threats and many other things. She has been given a stern talking to by the matron, which does work for a short period then it's back to normality.

i have very little advice for you as I appreciate what a difficult position you are in, and how difficult it can feel to have that awkward conversation when you're strung so tight yourself. But am sending sympathies.

I had this problem several times with friends overstepping, an elderly neighbour once trapped me in her flat for 4 hrs ffs !
I realise now that the problem was me not them. I used to go bowling on in and volunteer for shit, be too available and helpful ( quite often when the help wasn’t even asked for).
I then read Sarah Knights ‘ The life changing magic of not giving a F*ck’
It is my bible…i still catch myself falling into the old pattern then read the damn book again and sanity is restored…
It is a hard thing to do but you will have to be honest and polite with her or you’ll go crackers. Best of luck and hope you feel better soon 💐

I remember your last thread. I don't have better advice than has already been offered, but please take some.

It seems you're going to have to be blunt and straight with her. I liked your line about your home being your sanctuary. And I think you need to emphasise that to her. Perhaps give her a link to any local groups she could join? If she chooses not to join them, that's her choice

You sound lovely Op, but now is the time to put yourself first and tell her to back off. It sounds like you'll need to be firm and blunt with her and then stick to your boundaries.

@Zippidy123 of course if you don't reply she'll pop round.
A quick "no thanks" text would probably have helped!
But you abso-bloody-lutely need to get this knocked on its head right now.

DogInATent ·
She gave me her daughters phone number. It's just too much.
Text the daughter. Throws it back into her court. State you were happy to have been present and able to provide her mother with day-to-day support over Covid, but right now you're preoccupied and involved in dealing with your own personal circumstances (don't give any detail). Explain that her mother is making multiple daily contacts and has been found letting herself into your house, but you don't have the time or capacity to respond to every request for a chat. You have your own life. Tell her you're concerned that her mother may need additional support.”

this. I was pulled into a similar situation many years ago. Had to move house (not for that reason) and continued to be bombarded with (pre mobile days) increasingly heartbreaking letters and postcards, “missing you by the hour” and suchlike . It was awful.

Distance yourself now.

When you took the sausage rolls, you should have said "Thank you, now please leave me alone!" and closed the door smartly on her.

She thinks that you and your home is an extension of her own. She has no concept of boundaries and you simply must establish some. Now. Today.

She also doesn't realise that by doing what she is doing, she is being really rude to you. You didn't want the sausage rolls, yet she persisted and even brought them around and wouldn't take no for an answer (even if you didn't speak it, by not rushing over to get them, you were saying it silently).

If she gave them to you on one of her plates, then the opportune time to do and say something to her is when you return the plate. Practice in the mirror before hand if it helps you. "Margaret, while I appreciated the sausage rolls, I didn't want them and wasn't asking for them. You overstepped here and I want you to stop now. Things are adjusting to the way they were pre-covid and that includes me. I need to go back to the way things were before lockdown. I will not be doing your shopping for you or whatever I did during lockdown because that no longer works for me. You will have to find someone else to chat to and talk to about your day as it cannot be me. I will be available for emergencies only. I'm sorry if you're upset by this but I have to start looking after myself and I don't need you to be there, hovering over my shoulder while I do that. Do you understand what I'm just after saying to you?"

Then I would send a quick message to her daughter and say "Hi, I'm just letting you know that everything is fine but I've had to step back from all of the interaction with your mum. I'm available in an emergency only now. Hope you're doing well. All the best, Zip"

Best of luck but at this moment in time you are going to have to be cruel to be kind.

Yes I've got one of her plates now that I'll have to return at some point. I came in from work today and pretended to be on the phone as I walked in the house, I was expecting her to collar me for it.

Thanks again for all the advice, its really helped as I feel terrible for finding this so frustrating, you've made me see that my feelings are valid and it doesn't make me a bad person.

You are absolutely not a bad person. In my situation I couldn't decide if my neighbour was being deliberately overbearing (relying on me not standing up to it) or was genuinely unaware of how intrusive their behaviour was.
But ultimately, what it comes down to is that if it affecting your daily life and mental wellbeing then it doesn't even matter which of these it is - you are perfectly entitled to remark your boundaries and say no to things that don't suit you.
My neighbour used to collar me when I got back from the afternoon school run. I had enough and told him I couldn't chat as I needed to get inside to deal with my children. He scoffed at me and basically said 'oh they're fine without you for 20 mins or so'....I did see red and told him not to tell me how to parent my own children, or dictate how I spent my time.
He is always full of apologies. They are utterly insincere. My husband told me if I looked up Uriah Heep in the dictionary there would be a photo of our neighbour......it describes my neighbour to a T.

So I spoke to her, I was gentle but firm and said I had a lot on my plate at the moment so for her to please only contact me in an emergency.

Today's been the first 'emergency'. Her dogs got diarrhoea. I'm going to have to speak to her daughter. This is ridiculous.

Wow. I think you need to be less gentle.

You poor thing. She has you haunted.

And another 2 missed calls, a voice mail and a text. I'll ring her daughter tomorrow, I'm going to write down all the contact she's made with me over the past 2 weeks.

queenrollo yes! My neighbour does the scoffing thing too. I'll say I can't stay long I have to do xyz 'oh that can't wait'.

OP you are not alone.

Our village set up a community support group during lockdown and it worked really well.

The problem has been that for some families it worked too well.

We've had a couple of situations where it's set an expectation that the neighbour/volunteer has become a de facto unpaid career on a long term basis.

Remote family seem very happy with the arrangement and have tugged on heartstrings "x would miss you so much" or done the reverse and made clear they are happy for someone to struggle if the person in question backs off their support.

We had to have a meeting about it (the community volunteer leaders) as some people were at breaking point - they signed up to do some shopping/pick up prescriptions but have ended up as careers on speed dial.

Upshot is we contacted adult social services to get an assessment and explained the current situation was not only unsustainable for the volunteer it was dangerous for the person as appropriate care plans were not it place.

We then explained to the person what we had done and that we would provide support (shared by many volunteers) until SS engaged - which was surprisingly quickly.

As such my advice is to ring adult SS. Tell your neighbour you have done this as she needs more support than you can provide.

Don't engage with the daughter. If she cared she'd be involved. Let SS engage with her.

I wonder if you can somehow reverse the situation, so that you become a bit of a nuisance to her and she ends up trying to avoid you? This may sound insane, but it might be worth a shot. For example, knock on her door very late at night after she has gone to bed (or very early in the morning). Say you were busy earlier and are free now, what was it she wanted to show you? Buy strange things that she won't appreciate, such as awful ornaments from the charity shop and pop round repeatedly with these gifts for her. Insist that she takes them. Ask her if she would mind doing some weeding for you whilst you are at work, or ask her to do your shopping for you and give her a list. I reckon if you do this for a few days she will realise the mistake she's made with getting friendly with you and she'll back off.

This may seem mean, but it sounds as if she has become addicted to contact with you and I don't think you withdrawing contact will solve the situation, it will make her try harder to see or speak to you. So you have to engineer it so she herself decides she wants to withdraw.

So your reply (either verbally or by text should be "Your dog having the shits does not constitute an emergency on my part. Please contact your vet and leave me alone"

Time to take off the kid gloves and put on the boxing ones! She just doesn't care if she's annoying you. Time to be harsh now.

Your neighbour has the hide of a rhino OP.

She won't accept the changes you are trying to put into action because you are far too nice a person to say how you are really feeling, in the way it needs to be said to get through to her, and you are the person suffering as a result. You have been a good neighbour but things have gone far too far.

A couple of posters have mentioned SS and maybe this needs to be your next port if call. However, I would not offer any emergency care for her - not to her directly, not to SS, nor to her daughter because you would still be the backstop person trying to deal with other people's interpretation of what is and is not an emergency. Time to look after your own health, both physical and mental. 🌹

Bloody hell you must be at your wits end with this woman!
You’ve tried honest and poilte, unfortunately the behaviour will probably escalate now she realises you are pulling away.
The mistake was giving her the ‘ contact in emergency’ avenue.
You are not responsible for her, i know you want to be kind to others and a decent neighbour but she is massively overstepping and your health is suffering.

You have to be VERY firm now and ask her to contact her daughter (who is probably well sick of her ) in future.

I feel for you i really do.

May I remind you of my earlier post. Amended for shitting dog

'Margaret. I have an enjoyable weekend planned. We are not a couple. I do not want to know anything about your shitting dog. You've contacted me more than my nearest and dearest and this is too much. I'll drop your key over later in the week but please stop calling, texting and messaging me...Starting with not responding to this message. Good day to you. Zip'.

Later in the evening I had another voice mail to say there was a police car in the street. I've rung the daughter this morning, no answer so I've left a voice message for her to call me ASAP.

Maybe explain "The sort of emergency I am available for is the type you might need the real emergency services for. You are making things very difficult for me by your continual contact and I am sure that is not your intention. I was pleased to help during Covid but that is over now and I must now make me my priority and your daughter must be your point of contact."

You have the patience of a saint @Zippidy123 .

You've left a voicemail for the daughter.

Next step, after you've spoken with the daughter would be for you have to contact 'Margaret' again and tell her straight out that you're finding it very difficult to remain civil to her because her contacting you about a police car on the street or her dog having the shits is not an emergency. If she is lonely, she needs to get out more and get busy living but she is not to contact you any more about trivial stuff. You are only to be contacted in the case of an emergency. Check that she understands what an emergency is - "You understand what an emergency is Margaret, right? Do you think your dog having the shits is an emergency? Do you think a police car on patrol is an emergency? No, they're not."

I've spoken to the daughter, she didn't have much to say really, she just apologised and said she'd speak to her about it. I've decided I'm going to forward every text her mother sends me and give her a weekly update on the contact she's made, I'm coming from the angle of 'these are the concerns your mother has this week, you need to address them with her.'

I worked a late shift yesterday and had another text to say after the police car one to say there were 2 'youths' on bikes near my property 🙄

Thanks for all the replies and support, its been really helpful.