Middle class parenting more competive & sharp elbowed since the pandemic..

[Blooomingheck]

Might be just my area but many parents (interestingly the dads in our particular are the worst!) are doing whatever they possibly can to get their kids ahead.. It was bad before the pandemic but I think it's created a new breed of sharp elbowed, neurotic parent... Is this just my area (1.5 hours south of London)

Gosh those terrible people wanting the best for their children….

I want the best for my dc too but I don't wax lyrically about it, I also have the self awareness to know my dc are luckier than most & they will be fine 🤞

The majority will want the best for their children, surely?

It's the way they go about it, and it can actually be counter productive in some ways, some of the behaviour.

They are for the most part well meaning (for their own dc only!) but there seems to be an air of desperation now..!

I know a school mum who constantly brags (not even humbly) about how brilliant their child is and how they are top of the class (in reception) and that they are so bored at school as they can do it all already, reading, maths, times tables etc....... and that she is furious with the school for not pushing them. The fact that this child is not emotionally or socially that aware for their age and will struggle to eat any meals without mummy sat next to them seems lost on her. The child is still having to have naps after school, wakes up at 5am every day, is quite a know it all kind of kid etc........

People have said to her its about being well rounded but she won't listen, just brags on and on and on about how good her child is.

In general for parents of secondary age children there has been a drive to prioritise mental health over achievement. Things have become more balanced and it’s better for it.

At primary level I have noticed the kind of behaviour you describe increasing. People from London and the South East who have settled in our rural area during the pandemic have brought their Uber competitive ways to our laid back town. Their behaviour unsettles other more laid back parents and makes them join the competition. It’s insane. Wish these people would fuck off back to London quite honestly.

You could justify any kind of awful, selfish behaviour with ‘just wanting the best for my kids’.

What I would expect is that the brightest kids get the grammar places. Not the kids whose parents pay for tutoring that poorer kids’ parents couldn’t afford. But nobody likes to think about that, do they? Not when you can hide tone deafness under a smokescreen of ‘I’m just doing the best for my kids’ and ‘everyone else is just looking out for themselves, why shouldn’t I?’

Most of your examples seem a bit vague. I mean, sure, schlepping an hour each way into london for an art class when the child isn't even that keen on art seems a little excessive, but finding opportunities for your children to do what they love and/or are good at is not uncommon or grabby or excessive or any of the other negative words.

And covid has made it harder in some places - DS was desperate to play a particular sport but in our area, post covid, the clubs have all stopped offering it for younger children. So we have to drive 30 minutes to a club that does offer it for 10 year olds. Drives me mad. But this is a child who has never, in his life, been in the top for anything, and the opportunity to play a sport that he loves and is actually fairly good at is one we've embraced wholeheartedly.

Having said that, ridiculous over-egging and boasting is extremely annoying. It's not a huge thing around here, thank goodness, but I do come across parents of this sort sometimes and do want to roll my eyes a lot.

Funny you should mention that, we've had 2 London families relocate, both parents wfh full time, sold their homes in London & got much more bang for their buck in our neck of the woods...they have absolutely up the ante, their dc are involved in everything, gorgeous homes & gardens, loving all "country" pursuits even though we're not real countryside...

I'm not sure they sound that terrible! Tutoring, holiday camps and educational trips all sound fairly normal.

It's also interesting that when the Oxbridge "not letting as many private school kids" in argument starts, the kids from state schools who ARE getting in instead are the grammar school kids. Which is just a different type of private school these days in many cases.

But then, the way the grammar tests work is annoying. They test in October on work that is only covered later that year. So I'm not sure how any child is supposed to get in without tutoring.

Definitely agree, OP. I'm a Primary Head and have noticed a depressing increase in the rude, demanding emails and conversations I have with some (not all, by any means!) parents. Part of me thinks it's a 'punishment' after two years of sending their coughing children home, being rigid with isolation restriction, etc.

Odd thread. Surely this is pretty standard parenting? You find things for your child to do which they enjoy and are good at. Sometimes that involves a longer journey so you tend to book those things in school holidays. I don't really understand why this is worthy of your condemnation frankly.

The tutoring I don't know anything about - we're not in a grammar area so it's not something which happens here unless a child needs an extra boost with something they're finding difficult at school. Again, a pretty standard response I'd have thought.

This is interesting actually. Our school was appalling during Covid. So while I don't recognise what OP is talking about, it is true that I know lots of families are doing a lot of extra stuff. Maybe that's in part because the school frankly didn't exactly step up and certainly, post Covid, haven't either. eg DS' school residential was cancelled "because of Covid" which is hard to understand - they've been back full time the whole school year.....

My DB is terrible for this with his 5 year DS. They were walking a couple of steps in front of me and the conversation went like this - DB " Who's your favourite artist DS? " DN " David Hockney" DB" ...and how about Composer?" DN erm maybe Rachmaninoff" 😒

My grandparents were, if anything, disappointed when my mum got a grammar school place. They weren't bad parents, but didn't see that she needed a grammar school education (and this want sexism, they were the same with my uncle). They were even more disappointed when she decided to go to university - as far as they were concerned, at 18 she'd already wasted three perfectly good years in which she could have been earning and starting to work her way up in a company.

But then, you really could work your way up back then. My uncle started as an office boy at 15, worked his way up, and did very nicely for himself. That's no longer a viable career path.

It’s not surprising given the totally different approach and resources available.
I was lucky I had brought all the gcse revision guides, flash cards etc when she was in year 9 (2020) and I had brought all the cgp books for years 1-3 prior to lockdown. The resources from schools were variable some had none. Some had online lessons from word go. But for millions of families and children some had no computers, no printers etc and it was death by worksheet. If you were busy working - what did your child do - you weren’t there to explain the work end of.
I know one parent with 3 children who tried home schooling for 2 days and then brought each child an iPad and told them to go on boy size Netflix etc anything to stop the arguing - not bad parenting but survival.

sen help was the worst - literally nothing nationally. Teachers couldn’t and didn’t differentiate for students because they didn’t have the resources and we stuck to screens 24/7 and online lessons.

My Sen son made huge progress but that is only because I did 4 hours a day with him (broken up) 7 days a week. Morning school work and from 2/3 pm outside play. Lucky I could do it. Millions couldn’t.
he made such huge progress due the fact that others fell behind whereas he caught up. Mentally and emotionally children have lost out big time - I remember the anxiety for me as an adult - I remember the Eve of 2020 and feeling suicidal as another lockdown loomed. Can you imagine what it was like for a child - friendships are totally different now for adults as well as children.

Im lucky - we aren’t well off but we had the resources before and I teach them at home outside of school. So I don’t blame anyone for tutoring etc especially if you compare older and younger siblings.

I was listening to two mums (as our then 6 year olds were in an activity together) and they were talking of the tutors and who to use/ not to use/ recommendations in slightly hushed voices. They looked over and I said ‘don’t worry, I am not in that grammar area’ and they nodded and carried on talking. And I was very relieved we weren’t in that grammar area.

There seems to be a peculiar type of white Britishness that sneers at wanting the best for your child. Or at least being open about it.

Of course there needs to be a balance but educational trips (I would include somewhere like Warwick castle as educational but it's also a good day out) have always happened for the middle class surely?

I hoped for the local grammar school for DS because the facilities are excellent apart from the academic side. We tutored, well because have you seen the tests? They are hard to do without extra help. Never made a secret of it. He got a place.

It's probably about 60-70% Asian because they don't mind pushing their kids and wanting the best.

You sound like an amazing mum & huge well done to your dc

Ffs 🤣🤣🤣

@BreakerOfBras

Out of pure nosiness what kind of things do parents email you about?

I am a secondary teacher and in a very deprived area and never get any emails from parents/careers: well maybe one a term!

No, the sneering is at your fervent desire to grab the best of everything for yourself, and your kids, at the expense of other kids from less privileged backgrounds. Did you miss that?

How would you react if the boot was on the other foot? Let’s say you had a smart child but you couldn’t afford tutoring. Then you saw mediocre classmates of your kid getting the grammar school places because the classmates were hothoused at vast expense to their parents. Would you say, oh well, they were just doing the best for their kids, so that’s all right? I doubt it.

So not only are you privileged and selfish, you are tone deaf as well.