Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

@gumballbarry I think the OP doesn't need to be patronised, & that you need to wake up to the severity & harm of the domestic abuse her H is subjecting to.

Also to maybe re-read my post, where I specifically urge her to 1) seek medical help & THEN 2) inform herself of the legal/financials re: any potential split.

Hence my advice:
Starting to plan will give you the boost you need.
Small steps, no hurry, just ... get well, get informed, & play your cards close to your chest.

Please reach out to your GP for help, if he leaves you because of it so be it- there is support you can access and it does seem you are still grappling with PND or something similar. That's the most important thing.

Some stuff seems to be out of either of your control- having a hard pregnancy and health issues due to it isn't something either of you can help; but he should be pulling his weight and parenting his child. It can be stressful being the only one bringing in income, but if finances were his worry he'd be more supportive of you getting back into work wouldn't he.

This was part of the beginning of the end of my relationship (which had many other problems, but this nagged at me) - I was freelance, but wanted to get back into a 'proper' job - and had to absolutely fantastic offers, good money (as good as his), benefits (better than his), for excellent companies. All the way through the interviews he'd been supportive, then when the rubber hit the road, and I said right, lets talk about drop offs and pickups, I suggest you do dropoffs, because that way you can just flex your work to start at 10 (totally fine) and actually that'll be better for you because your commute will be 30 mins not over an hour like it normally is, and I'll do pickups (even though that's the tricky one, getting back from London, reliably, for 6pm) and he said that he wasn't prepared to do any of that.

I lost a lot of respect for him that day, and had to turn down both jobs because logistically, I just couldn't work in London and manage the childcare dropoffs.

now luckily for me, a freelance contract got me a great long term remote contract soon after, which actually ended up giving me the freedom to leave him when his multiple work trips turned out to also include various casual partners on the side - but it easily might not have.

OP - he needs to understand how serious this is - then based on his answers, you need to decide what you want to do. You are currently taking all the financial risk - pensions, promotions etc. are being crippled while he benefits from having no child-care responsibility. In my opinion, senior staff need to lead the way with this, they should be taking the flexibility options so other staff know they are there. I'm fully upfront with my work, I don't hide that I'm a single mother with other responsibilities, and that I have blackout times when I am with my kids and only contactable for drop dead emergencies , and that sometimes I'll be taking meetings from my car, and that I will be attending sportsdays etc. I'm senior, and I can do that, and I should do that - work needs to accommodate parents.

This was part of the beginning of the end of my relationship (which had many other problems, but this nagged at me) - I was freelance, but wanted to get back into a 'proper' job - and had to absolutely fantastic offers, good money (as good as his), benefits (better than his), for excellent companies. All the way through the interviews he'd been supportive, then when the rubber hit the road, and I said right, lets talk about drop offs and pickups, I suggest you do dropoffs, because that way you can just flex your work to start at 10 (totally fine) and actually that'll be better for you because your commute will be 30 mins not over an hour like it normally is, and I'll do pickups (even though that's the tricky one, getting back from London, reliably, for 6pm) and he said that he wasn't prepared to do any of that.

I lost a lot of respect for him that day, and had to turn down both jobs because logistically, I just couldn't work in London and manage the childcare dropoffs.

now luckily for me, a freelance contract got me a great long term remote contract soon after, which actually ended up giving me the freedom to leave him when his multiple work trips turned out to also include various casual partners on the side - but it easily might not have.

OP - he needs to understand how serious this is - then based on his answers, you need to decide what you want to do. You are currently taking all the financial risk - pensions, promotions etc. are being crippled while he benefits from having no child-care responsibility. In my opinion, senior staff need to lead the way with this, they should be taking the flexibility options so other staff know they are there. I'm fully upfront with my work, I don't hide that I'm a single mother with other responsibilities, and that I have blackout times when I am with my kids and only contactable for drop dead emergencies , and that sometimes I'll be taking meetings from my car, and that I will be attending sportsdays etc. I'm senior, and I can do that, and I should do that - work needs to accommodate parents.

I agree with you and I’m concerned about the impact this poster will have on the op. It’s not responsible advice.

@Ahbisto how is it irresponsible to encourage a woman undergoing DA to find out exactly what her legal options & potential financial outcomes would be, so that she can plan to leave her abuser once she has sought the medical help he has prevented her from accessing?

You are looking at 1 + 1 & coming up with 5.
At no point have I urged OP to LTB.
She DOES need to establish what LTB would look like, on paper.
Because he is a coercive controller, & her MH will improve by:

1. flouting his command & accessing immediate medical help
2. taking the small, slow & secret steps of information-gathering re: a split
3. looking forward to not living with a domestic abuser

I wonder why they had a child though? People don’t have to have children
Social pressure. It’s expected. Friends all have children. Grandparents wanted grandchildren. And DH wanted a family. He pressured me for years. Before I got pregnant I actually told him “I’ll give birth to one child and one child only, but after that I’m only doing half”. He agreed.

I do think if I’d had an easy pregnancy and bounced straight back to work after a couple of months then things would have been more equal. The problem is that unexpected circumstances have allowed him to get ahead while I’ve fallen behind, and now he’s gotten used to it and doesn’t want to give up this unequal situation which benefits him enormously. He’s got the child he wanted with none of the sacrifice. Grandparents who begged for a grandchild haven’t stepped up and offered to babysit either. Everyone wanted a baby and now he’s been dumped on me, the only person who didn’t want a baby.

Op, please just call your gp.

Also, to the poster who made the comment about career driven couples- I am one half of such a couple, we made a plan and despite my husband now earning more than me and in a position of responsibility we didn’t envisage, guess what, we do it together and we both kept our word on how it would work. We share the running around and sick days because they are OUR children. It’s ludicrous to say that people who enjoy their careers shouldn’t have children.

He won't. He won't want 50:50. OP will be in the same position that she's in now but without a twat dragging her down, preventing her getting the support she needs and restricting her potential.

Yeah. You probably shouldn't be with someone you hate either.

It’s the patriarchy at work, innit?

Op-
Make an urgent appointment with a GP. Request PND and/or trauma therapy. If you can afford to go private then do it.

Research some training in your field, or in a new area.

Find a course and sign up to it.

Arrange childcare when the course is on/ do it online in the evenings from a coffee shop- leave baby with DH.

Review in 3 months.

Bloody hell! That's awful!

I'm reading the OP's posts only and couldn't let this go past without comment.

She's so clearly in need of support, of all kinds, and has had a horrific experience of pregnancy, birth etc, and this! Wow!

I'll read the rest of the OP's posts now, but tbh, I'm leaning towards LTB!

She's being prevented from living at all.
She hasn't said she doesn't want her baby. She's struggling because it wasn't the life she'd planned or expected and she hasn't been allowed to get help or independence.

Back off. Z

OP, you need all sorts of support and you need it now.

Go to your GP, seek counselling, tell your lazy, shitty fuckwit of a husband that unless he steps up, NOW and big time, then you're off.

OP you say you didn't want to have a baby, this baby has fucked up your life, and actually it's a bit strange you keep saying 'baby' when they must be at least 3 years old now. You do sound very detached from them and a bit depressed.

Which is really understandable given your husband sounds like a complete twat, and you probably do need a divorce.

But you need to do something before your child gets any older, you will not be able to hide all this resentment and anger.

I agree with PP that if you keep getting rejected for jobs because your skills are out of date, it makes more sense to use that 2 hours/day to update your skills rather than applying for more jobs yet.

And this is why people who are career-driven and enjoy their freedom should think long and hard about having children, even if they feel peer-pressured because ultimately the parents are the ones responsible for the child - no one else.

I'm sorry but the only person I feel sorry for in this situation is the child because they have been brought into the world by a mother who didn't want them in the first place and a father who wanted them but didn't want to responsibly bring them up. It's situations like this which boil my blood because I have so many friends who desperately want children and acknowledge the sacrifices they must make to bring the child up yet they are struggling to conceive or carry a baby and have had so many miscarriages and heartache.

Don't mention this in the TTC thread for goodness sake they'd have you for breakfast.

This has got to be one of the shittiest things I've ever read on Mumsnet. You really are a scumbag @wpse

I think a lot of posters have been unkind, OP. I completely understand why you're resentful, and I think anyone in your shoes would be.

Your DH has to understand that yes, if he worked less and you worked more your joint income would drop, but if he continues to not facilitate your return to the workplace, you'll divorce him, and that's going to screw his finances over in other ways. He's comparing him working full-time and you not working to both of you working part-time. He's not comparing him working full-time to you actually leaving him.

You might never catch him salary-wise now you've been out of the market, but you could catch him in terms of fulfilment. You're clearly deeply unhappy and your lack of career is tied to that - does he want to spend the rest of his life married to someone who is miserable, or does he want to make you happy, so you, he and the baby all have a happy life together?

I don't think you're wrong to tie your identity to your career. Either your DH has to step up and help you, or you can decide to walk away. You could even make him the resident parent - see how he likes that. Just because you're the mother doesn't mean you have to be the one with the baby most of the time.

Do not let the other posters gaslight you into thinking you're upset about your career being stalled because you have PND. You're upset because your DH doesn't see you as an equal in the workplace anymore, and the balance of societal power has shifted. Sod that for a game of soldiers.

OP, yes, you are a mother. You are also a strong woman with a good career, and you just need to get your foot back in somehow. You're not just a mother. You are defined by everything you are, not just one part.

Poor baby.

He won't. He won't want 50:50. OP will be in the same position that she's in now but without a twat dragging her down, preventing her getting the support she needs and restricting her potential.

Yep - it's scary at first, but then you realise how free you are in many important ways (just not the ones that involve leaving the house on a whim after 7:30)

Mine only sees our kids 4 times a month, normally for a couple of hours a time, occasionally for a whole day. I'm not denying it's tough, but it's definitely better than when I was doing it all, and also sad/resentful/still doing his washing etc.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so stuck and alone. You're in the midst of an incredibly hard time and it's been going on for a long time so you will feel bleak. I think it's going to get better and you're going to be okay. Have you looked at resources like pregnant then screwed and flex appeal? There are other people out there who have walked this path and found a way back into work and maybe there's support for you. There IS a bright future but I'm afraid it won't necessarily resolve the injustice of the last couple of years - but I hope someone can help you walk through the PND and the resentment (which are natural and normal responses to a thoroughly crappy time).

Just wanted to comment on this take.

Yes the pandemic and birth related issues are outside the H control, but his RECTION to the effects of all this on his wife are not.

to me he has reaped the benefits of her incapacitation and now that she needs some support to get back to doing what she (and he) want to do, he is not only being unsupportive, he is being downright obstructive "I won't do any childcare at all"

He is manipulating a bad situation into an appalling situation and seemingly relishing it too.

@Bhagira Just noticed your user name - Are there cultural roles and expectations in this also? did his manner change after any other event like engagement/marriage?

He has trapped you and you know this, of course you are angry.

I know people are talking about depression, but that is often something that comes out of nowhere or is irrational. There is nothing irrational about this situation. Your life is not what you wanted it to be by any stretch of the imagination and the only person who could effect a change is actively refusing.

I don't know what the answer is, but posters pointing out that divorce would mean you get 50/50 time and then you would get equal time off to work and re-establish yourself. You need to get into marriage counselling as a first step I think.

I know you seem angry about your little one, it really isn't his fault, you know this. It's your husbands reaction to the situation that has caused this. Fix that and you and your son will have a far better relationship.

Your H needs to pull his weight at home.