Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

And I'd just add, your DH needs to step up. His attitude sounds grim and entitled.

But her DH can, right @wpse ?

Or are you not an equal-opportunities smug judger?

To be clear. A woman is allowed to be utterly pissed off and livid about how her life has been ruined and shrunk by an unsupportive man and his ego, without it being labelled as PND.

To automatically jump to it when there is absolutely clear reasons for her to be very bloody angry is to undermine her and dismiss her very valid concerns. It also absolves the shitty H from pulling his finger out in sickness and in health, for better and for worse for his WIFE.

You sound really angry. That’s not good for your health. Nothing lasts forever, things won’t always be like this. I hope you get help.

The op shouldn’t make any big life decisions until she gets urgent medical help. it’s ludicrous people suggesting she upends her life when she’s this unwell.

I am concerned that the husband thought social services would be invovled if she saw a doctor due to what’s going on in the home and how this child is being cared for and he didn’t want anyone to know.

Likely she is right as it would possibly be said she can’t be in sole charge, and he doesn’t have the money to pay for child care, he can’t stay home, and he needs to work as they need his wage as they are sole income.

at the root of this is serious mental illness that needs treatment urgently, once this is done and the op starts to recover then she can sort everything else.

in the meantime there is a little child being raised in the middle of this, and they need to be a priority as what ever is happening could be very damaging to them. Asking the op to leave before she is treated, is not going to improve this child’s welfare conditions.

it may actually be better the child is put in temporary foster care whilst the op goes into recovery, as the father can’t just quit his job to care for them, and they can’t afford child care but also the op can’t be in sole care.

thank god someone said what i thought too. WPSE how low of you.

yes @Juniper68 - having a father who refuses to care for it - poor baby.

@Ahbisto doesn't have to be foster care. They may never get him back. Family would be better to help.

OP, you sound miserable. You are clearly not enjoying your role as a full-time parent and require some time to yourself to both collect your thoughts and start looking more seriously for jobs. You also ultimately need to leave the abusive husband who sought to prevent you from from getting treatment for a serious medical condition.

But the first thing I think you need to do is park your anger, however justified it might be. Focusing on the shitty hand you feel you've been dealt is wasting energy that could be put to improving your situation. I know it might feel hopeless, and that it's already too late, I know you might feel you shouldn't have to put all this effort in, that the world has been shit to you and the world should make it right, but practically, that won't happen. So set the anger aside however you can, and try to think clearly.

You say you've threatened to leave your husband before, and he has invited you to, so consider what's stopping you from actually doing it and work on fixing these. Are all your finances shared or do you have any savings of your own? Do you have family nearby? Would it be possible for you to leave and move into a cheap rental? Or move in with family/friends until you are able to afford said rental? Of course you will likely have to take on a job, either in a junior roll in your field, or in whatever work you can find and that will mean paying for childcare for the days you have your son, but he'll be your husband's responsibility 50% of the time so you will hopefully have the money and time to invest in continuing to look for work in your field at your original level, or build up to that level if working in a junior position. It'll also give you some breathing space from your son, which I'm sure will improve how you feel about the time you do spend with him. Most important of all is to get yourself some help with your mental health, whatever it takes.

I'm sure getting a job at a junior level or in a different field entirely would feel like a kick in the teeth, and no, you shouldn't have to. Indeed, there could be all sorts of reasons why it generally wouldn't work, but the point is you may have to do unpalatable things to get out of this mess, even though it's not a mess of your own making. In any case, having any work at all would be better than your current situation, no?

Like others have said, please call your GP. It sounds like you dislike your baby as much as your husband and that can’t be good for you or your child. I’m wondering if you are of a different culture as unless it’s specifically family, there’s no real societal pressure in the UK to have a child especially if you don’t want one.

Get a nanny and work full time , you sound like you hate patenting

Yes, the family would be better to help care for this child. Namely the baby's own father.

You poor love. Your h is a real shit. Selfish bastard.

You have suffered terribly, through no fault of your own. Your entire life has been turned upside down and instead of being able to rely on the one person you should be able to rely on, he doesn't give a shit and cares only about himself.

You need counselling urgently. You also need to see a GP to resolve your PND. Social Services will NOT get involved. Your h is lying about that - all because he doesn't want to step up?

You deserve so much better. 💐

You sound very unhappy OP, and your DH sounds like an absolute shit.

I'll just echo the other comments.... please see your GP. And don't tell your "D"H. PND doesn't go away, millions of women get it and IT'S NORMAL. You need medication, therapy and to get well. Then work will feel like an easier challenge than the overwhelming one it is now.

Not going to repeat what others have said, but just wanted to say that you’re not being unreasonable, and send you some 💐

Yes, your husband needs an attitude adjustment, but to be honest, I think you do too.

You actually seem to resent your baby for your predicament. He/she seems to be something of an inconvenience. Very rarely have I even heard of someone popping out a baby and bouncing back into a demanding job

Well anyone in any business environment should know that with all major projects you should plan for contingencies. In your case a difficult pregnancy and birth followed by post-birth complications all wrapped up in a bundle to leave you in the position you find yourself in now.

You should be able to take on some refresher courses and update your skill set to become employable again if that's what you need but at least think about seeing your child now and again. And study the lyrics of cat in the cradle

I understand how you are feeling and he does not seem to be giving any leeway at all. Get a nanny and his high wages can pay for it or an au pair is the only way and then you can go to conferences etc. Go for what you want and you will get there. Of course he is happy to have you at home as he can do as he pleases. Hope your health is ok now and make plans and look up au pairs as that is what my brother had and could not have had their careers without it. A new day and a new you and get things moving. You were successful in your career before and you can do so again.

OP, you feel like there is a big mountain right now and you don’t know how to push it away to see the sun again.

You had a traumatic birth which you likely still need to process and accept, likely PND and situational depression which may have impacted bonding with your child and right now I expect you think that if you could just waltz out the door everyday and take off to events as your H does, leaving the baby in his care then all would be better.

That won’t make it better.

Before you even think about work you need to rebuild yourself mentally and the first step is being honest with your GP. Thanks had ante and post natal depression, and just your common depression too and have never had social services involved.

Address your birth trauma, depression and relationship with your child and give yourself time to find out who you are now, the past has gone and you need to work on now and the future.

Your H can support you, or not, but that is his choice and when you are strong enough then you will make the right decision on what to do about him.

@tkwal the contingency was that her husband wasn’t a selfish prick and don’t refuse to take on his responsibilities.

I have so much sympathy for you op. Do you have access to the finances or does your husband control all the money?

I think as a short term get a nanny at home for at least three days a week.

@tkwal - did you actually read the OP's posts?? Or just jump in to judge her? What a sanctimionious post. OP has PND. And who really expects the degree of birth injuries, then lockdown, that happened to OP? Nobody. Don't be so silly.

at least think about seeing your child now and again

OP is the only person who looks after her dc. Didn't you read that either?!

Maybe her useless abusive h should read the lyrics to 'Cat's in the fucking cradle', eh? Why don't you mention him?

Yes, you're in a very unfair situation.

It sounds like you've been out of the work force for about 3 years (maternity leave and then since the start of the pandemic).
3 years out of your career is not that much.

Can you focus on getting your PND sorted, look for a full-time role and hire a nanny. In a couple of years, you could also get a promotion, and be back on track, earning the same as your husband.
And in the meantime, your husband needs to step-up with looking after the baby.

I have so much sympathy for your situation. Honestly at this point I think you should take any job you can get, even if not in your old field, even if it only covers half the cost of childcare, so that you can get out of the house and have a break. It sounds intensely frustrating at the moment. I would feel very angry too.

OP, I really hope you have some good, supportive friends to talk to about all of this. You need lots of RL support as your husband sounds like a terrible joke and your loss of career and health concerns are clearly grinding you down.

I totally understand the resentment, anger and jealousy. I am surprised you’ve not cracked before now. I would advise getting some proper counselling (maybe through GP but with long waiting lists probably better to go private) and focus upon upskilling so you can get yourself back into the work place.

As for your husband, I think I would give him one last chance to step up and support you and the DC. Give him the last opportunity to be a parent and husband. If he won’t then I’d be quietly planning on leaving and getting things in place.

I really think you need to focus on your mental well-being at the moment and getting back into the workforce. I agree with many PP who think you will feel brighter once you are no longer shackled to this man but I don’t think a massive upheaval until you’re feeling ready for it is the answer.

Good luck, OP. You deserve to have a fulfilled and happy life so please take the steps to make it happen.

The poor baby! I am lost for words after reading this. This is awful.

Really sad for the baby in all of this, just seems like an inconvenience to both of you. A few of your statements are pretty awful about popping it out and going straight back to work and how you have been f#cked over by the baby. You both decided to bring a baby into this world so now you both need to be responsible in looking after the poor soul, seems like you are both pretty selfish to me.