Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

what are you suggesting here? Seriously?

She resents having a husband who didn't stick to his word.
She resents having birth injuries that have impacted her for a prolonged period of time.
She resents doing everything at home while her husband swans off doing everything she used to enjoy.

Sounds like you resent having your child and I wonder if having a child was the right decision for a couple who is so career-driven?

What is your point here? Are you suggesting career driven couples shouldn't have children?

@BackToTheTop i had a bold fail - to be clear (and it is clear enough in the post, but just to be extra clear) the "slap" comment was at the utter twat who suggested OP needs to embrace motherhood.

I am deeply sympathetic to OP - i have never wanted to reach through the screen and hug someone so much.

Top summary @BakeOffRewatch

Lose the jealousy OP - it's born of resentment. You'll lose a small part of that resentment the moment you "disobey" & make an appointment with your GP to access ALL THE HELP YOU NEED & DESERVE.

Replace jealously with anger.
Burning, but hidden rage.

Your DH has pulled the classic coercive controller's stunt.
He lied to you about sharing parenting & work opportunity equally.
He lied throughout your pregnancy.
He lied throughout your birth ordeal, your physical recovery, & your PND.
He prevented you from accessing treatment for your PND.
That's tantamount to you being trapped in a dungeon, while he has a key, & not only won't throw the key down to you, but taunts you about it while he relishes his own freedom.

Domestic abusers often work this way. They 'become' (always were, no longer hiding it) on marriage, or cohabitation - but very, very frequently, it's as soon as their partner gives birth.
He waited until you gave birth to show you his true colours.
They are very ugly colours, aren't they?

He currently holds all the cards. He's basically treating you like the mad wife in the attic - (the one he gaslit into madness) - refusing you the help you need to get out of that attic. If you cannot access medical help, & he refuses to parent, of course you are trapped!

So you need to bust free of his bullshit.
Get medical help.
Then get solicitor's advice - ON THE QUIET of course - usual ducks in a row stuff recommended here - you're bright & capable, you know what you need to find out.
Starting to plan will give you the boost you need.
Small steps, no hurry, just ... get well, get informed, & play your cards close to your chest.

Ignore PP having a go at you about your baby btw.
They either haven't RTFT, or are concern trolling. You have a nasty H in your life, feeding you wrongful & damaging messages - he's enough to deal with, you don't need to pay any attention to anyone giving you grief here.

I think you should try and get a junior role. Work for six months then transfer to your previous role. Experience back into the office plus access to job opportunities.

Sometimes, it's not about how many applications you make but how you make them. Be positive you can do this and throw yourself into. Hugs from me and I hope it works out.

Apologies @Brefugee I read it wrongly.

I feel the same, I had PND after the birth of my first child, and have never felt so unhappy in my entire life, I really feel for the op. I can't imagine how awful it would be to go through this with an unsupportive husband too

no worries - i keep forgetting to bold the quotes.

Your husband is the problem. You need to leave him and take your child with you. Otherwise use the family money as he calls it to pay for full time nursery and get yourself out there in any job to cover the gap and keep looking for a job in your own field. I bet he won't let you pay for nursery. He thinks you are the slave, this man has no respect for you. I am so angry on your behalf.

You need treatment for your ongoing PND. Also to leave your abusive husband, but that can wait. Your situation is not good, but the PND is making it worse. Get a GP appointment booked ASAP.

Putting aside the DH issues, I think you need to at least work on the jealousy about the career, you said your jealous of your friend who had an easy birth no health problems.

Your health problems from your pregnancy is something you do need to deal with though. You both decided to have a child, your obviously aware that not all pregnancies go well and women do have horrendous injuries or life term problems from giving birth. Unfortunately its affected your job and has impacted your career and that isn't anyone's fault. Its something you need to come to terms with yourself. Perhaps your not coming across in interviews as the best version of you or even when applying for jobs your not hitting all the right criteria to get shortlisted. It can happen if your not in the right mindset and the pressure you, yourself are adding to yourself about needing a job and mourning the loss of your old career.

You need to come to terms with that really, its happened and remaining angry and jealous could be holding you back from getting what you need.

Op. I don’t want to push it but again how old is your child and have you had any interviews? These are important questions because it’s important to see if there is any catastrophising here, or if your vision and interpretation of reality is accurate as you are clearly struggling deeply with depression which can impact our interpretation of reality. Have you actually been to interviews where someone has said you are not a candidate due to your time out of the workplace?

you need to speak to your gp. Call them now. Social services won’t get involved. But you need to speak to your doctor and get help for your pnd as a first step.

then based in the answers on age, interviews etc we can then help you with the rest.

Please call the GP and arrange an appointment with them asap. It sounds as if you still have PND or some other form of depression. And that's going to impact every part of your life, including your job interviews.

It's not surprising that you haven't managed to magically make your PND go away by yourself in the middle of a pandemic! I strongly believe I had PND at the end of my second mat leave, but didn't get it diagnosed properly because it cleared up once I went back to work. I can only imagine what course it may have taken if my health and then the pandemic and then my DH (who should be your biggest advocate) had taken my career away from me.

You can tackle all this and reclaim a career, but start by getting some medical support.

I should've said both resent to be honest. All I'm saying is that having a child takes a lot of time and commitment and it doesn't suit everyone to have children which is why some couples choose to not have any as they prefer to focus on their careers unhindered. A lot has to be given up by parents when they have children and they can't always continue doing what they want to. Unfortunately it's progress far in your career and go to fancy conferences abroad whilst a nanny brings your child up for you or make sacrifices and raise the child yourself. And that goes for the husband, not just OP so he needs to pull his finger out and be a father. The child is here now so too late for hindsight but there does have to be some sacrifice for children

Having read more of your messages since I last commented, your husband is a wanker. That is all. A big, horrible, controlling wanker.

Can you advise where the drop-off box for the child is @JukeBoxHero8192 - or are you offering to take it on yourself?

Because - the child is HERE now. Smug retroactive opinions don't help that fact.

And women are allowed to be career driven.
They are allowed to negotiate shared childcare & work opportunities - just as OP did with her H.
How was she to know he was lying, she would have a hard birth, she would have disabling post-birth physical issues - let alone that her H would coercively prevent her from accessing medical help?

If her H was not such a lying piece of shit, OP would be coping just dandy.
Just like millions of working mothers.
So why don't you consider that fact that you have just taken an entirely unnecessary pot shot at a woman who is reeling with PND & an abusive H, & not post again unless you have something supportive to contribute?

It sounds like the parameters have changed for you both as neither considered that pregnancy and having a baby wasn't always straightforward. He is being unreasonable to not be supportive and saying he won't be flexible and not helping at night; but none of that would negate the fact you resent your baby for ruining your life. If he won't change then yes leave, but I agree with others neither of you are considering your child in this really.

OP is doing nothing BUT 'consider' her child @Radioted

WhoTF do you think has been raising it for the past 3 years?

It’s clear the pressing issue right now is the ops health. She says she’s cried every since he’s left for his trip, talks about her child bothering her and being dumped on her, whilst she’s acting as sole carer much of the time, says she’s insanely jealous angry and resentful all the time, won’t talk to a friend as they had an easy pregnancy.

I think this child is three or four. So this is not an extended gap to be out of employment, she should be able to fit in relatively easily. Child care and wrap around care can be worked if she gets a job.

right now op, get some immediate medical help. You’re in a tail spin and it won’t fix itself. It’s like breaking a leg and then hoping it will just heal without a cast and all will be fine. It won’t.

once you get your depression treated it will become easier to deal with the other issues, job, child care etc, and getting your life back to where you want it. Then you can reflect on your marriage.

right now the priority is getting your mental health treated. Call your doctor immediately and make an appt. For all your sakes.

@KettrickenSmiled I think you need to calm down a bit and stop pouring petrol on the flames.

Encouraging OP to split up her family based on her accounts when she's clearly not in a good frame of mind is irresponsible. She needs to get help, then consider these life changing decisions when she is feeling calm and collected.

I agree with you and I’m concerned about the impact this poster will have on the op. It’s not responsible advice.

I have 100 percent read this post before. You hated your husband and child then and you hate them now.