Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

Is it sexism. It massively impacts women, rather than men. And it directly benefits men to have this discrimination common place.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.
it wasnt fate. It is your husband.

can you sign up and do some online courses in the evenings or in those two hour blocks in the morning? Put them on the cv. Take on some contract work?

Do you live in a cave, without access to world news, @183T ?

What a ridiculous, pompous & hurtful statement.

To a woman managing PND, & coping with an abusive arsehole ... but you just had to pile in with a bit of performative sanctimony?

Your husband sounds vile- irrespective on losing your job, irrespective of his salary, he is the father to a child and with that comes the need to be fucking flexible around the needs of that child. Do you pass the baby over at wkends and take time for yourself?

Your husband sounds vile- irrespective on losing your job, irrespective of his salary, he is the father to a child and with that comes the need to be fucking flexible around the needs of that child. Do you pass the baby over at wkends and take time for yourself?

Your husband is a prize c*nt. Thinking he can unilaterally opt out of parenting and childcare because he’s the big job man is bad enough, but threatening to leave if you got help for PND is despicable. I truly believe you’d be better off without him. If I were you I’d start seriously looking into your financial situation, what you’d be entitled to in a divorce, whether you could receive any benefits as a single parent, and call on the support of family or friends so you can get away - even better, leave him with the baby alone for a few days so he has to parent and you can have time to apply for jobs, brush up your CV and get some respite from this misogynist arsehole.

Its no wonder you feel fucked over by the baby and I think it’s really unfair people are berating you for that - after all, if you hadn’t had a baby you wouldn’t have had all these health issues, I think how you feel is totally understandable. Even so, the problem here is your husband. Your son deserves a happy and fulfilled mum and your H should be the person helping to make this happen, not bringing you down further.

I wonder why they had a child though? People don’t have to have children so I do wonder what made either of them decide they actually wanted a baby in the home regardless of who was going to look after it. I’m not feeling a lot of love from either of them for this child🤷‍♀️

As a children's social I can be really clear we do not get involved in PND services for mums. It is nothing to do with us, it is a medical issue that women ( including social workers) regularly seek support with.
Your DH has been very unkind and very stupid.

First get yourself the PND support, then look for work or training and then consider if your DH is worth keeping.

You can’t insist on 50/50 custody if he won’t have them that much. He will probably do more than he does now if only because he’s concerned about the optics of it, and that’s what the op will have to work with if separated. There is a good chance if he has dc and they are ill then he will just drop them off at the ops, that kind of shitty behaviour seems right up his alley. But; If separated there is the fucking huge bonus that the op won’t have to clean up after him or share a house or look at him which must be an instant massive mental health boost

Jealous, bitter and resentful. How is the baby in all of this? I experienced something similar to you OP but mine was PND. I had a night needs baby and just couldn't come to terms with how drastically my life had changed in comparison to my husbands, who had an outlet (work).

So you're not allowed to get help for PND because he will leave you? Wow. What a nasty git.

To be honest OP it wouldn't be the end of the world if he did leave you. You're doing everything by yourself anyway. Atleast with him out of the picture you would feel able to access support for your mental health and you wouldn't be stuck with somebody you resent (and with good reason it seems)

I understand the fear of being left holding the baby, I really do, but you already are left holding the baby with him contributing nothing but finances.

As a lone parent you would be entitled to UC and the majority of childcare costs. You probably stand a better chance of rebuilding your life with him gone than you do with him in it.

I wonder why they had a child though? People don’t have to have children so I do wonder what made either of them decide they actually wanted a baby in the home regardless of who was going to look after it.

Well OP thought they'd both pull their weight, for the baby they were having together.

OP MUST NOT ENTER COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH THIS MAN

Any professional therapist will advice that couples counselling is NOT recommended when one of the pair is abusive.

And OP's H is abusive. He is a coercive controller who has actively prevented her from accessing medical care, refuses to allow her to sleep for a full night, shirks all the parenting becasue "it doesn't matter if she is tired, but he must never be" & wants to keep her jobless, & financially in thrall to him.

Your husband is abusive. Preventing you from seeking medical treatment is horrendous.

Speak to women's aid and get advice on leaving him and make sure you seek medical help for your PND.

Make sure you're claiming Child Benefit in your name so you get the National Insurance credits towards your pension. If your H earns over £50k claim and opt out of the payments so you get the credits and H avoids paying the tax charge.

It's been tough but I've come out the other end. Please feel free to PM me.

Actually sounds like unaddressed PND is the main issue

Really? Not the abusive husband?

DH sits downstairs watching tv because he knows he won’t have to get out of bed during the night and he won’t have to get up at 5am. His argument is that he’s earning our only income and has to perform at work so he can’t be tired, whereas I’m at home so it doesn’t matter if I’m tired

This is EXACTLY what my (now Ex) H said to me. Except I was back to work, but only part time. My son was 2, my daughter was 5 months, and they were both waking up about 5 times a night each. So, I was up 10 times every night, and then had to leave at 745am for work. I begged him to help me, and he refused, saying that he couldn't be tired at work, because he earned the most money. I was actually nodding off at work.

The thing is, someone always ends up taking on more of the parental load. Even when your child is at school, the part time worker will be the one to stay home if he is sick, or the one to leave work early if the school call etc.

Keep looking for jobs. You'll feel so much better when you are working and can put baby to nursery.

Exactly!
More likely the shit hand OP has been dealt, a crap husband and tbh some naivety on the OPs part about having a baby

I would be careful with this. There is nothing that can make a man parent. You could never see him again. Or he could only do a couple of day time hours. Don't bank on your freedom when it's based on a selfish man

You need counselling to help you find ways to enjoy and appreciate the joys of motherhood.

i have never before wanted to reach through the screen so much and administer a massive slap.
Fuck that shit.
She needs help with her mental health. She needs help with her physical health. She needs her useless husband to step up and be a father. And she needs help getting back to work.

What she doesn't need is a load of bullshit from the 1950s

He said he’ll share equally again when I match his salary, which obviously I won’t be able to do.

That's a real shitty thing for him to say.

You should go and speak you your gp and get help for how you're feeling at the moment, if your dh decides to leave if you have treatment then so be it.

Then you need to have a serious think about your relationship with your dh. He's not supporting you in anyway, if anything he's using you as a nanny, live in cook, cleaner and someone to facilitate his career. This is not on! If he won't support you then I'd suggest you leave and look at alternative jobs, something to get you out of the house.

First of all you have a DH problem;he doesn't want you well,happy and back out at work because that means he'll have to step up as a parent.

It's now far too convenient for him to get a full nights sleep,not have to do anything at home (I'm assuming you've been left to deal with the housework,laundry,cooking etc),not parent his own child and to Swan off to work stuff whenever it suits him.

I suspect he knows the SS thing is bollocks and has basically used it to keep you in your place.

Sounds like you resent having your child and I wonder if having a child was the right decision for a couple who is so career-driven?

All the people who are giving the op a hard time please remember this person has:

Almost lost her life
Had birth injuries so severe she couldn't leave the house for a year
Several surgeries
Her partner has emotionally blackmailed her, to stop her getting treatment for mental health problems
Her partner will not support her in anyway shape or form
She's lost her job
Raising a child single handed

In my book she's asking for help, not being
told she 'needs a slap'