Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

@Ahbisto

the least folks can do is bother to read the ops posts.

You absolute hypocrite. Defending her husband when in her posts OP shared this:

DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.

That is coercive control. Literally. Emotionally blackmailing a partner not seeking medical treatment is coercive control. Which is against the law as it goes.

I despair when I read comments like this.
No wonder women are fucked.

Do you jave someonepre senior in your profession you can ask to review your application /feedback over anything else you can do?

A pal had this recently been out of one industry... Had been very senior... Her results changed when she changed just two lines in her application presenting her time away from the profession differently?

Im wondering if this could be the case?

Also presumably you don't include your dob or hour parental status on applications, so why would people know this?

@Ahbisto & I'm "really shocked" that you profess to have read all OP's posts, yet still plough on, defending the indefensible.

I think your husband needs to realise that your happiness is worth more than any hourly rate.
If he's not taken you seriously up to now are you able to give him an ultimatum of taking on childcare or getting a divorce? A divorce would result in him having to shoulder some of the childcare and I expect you'd both be financially worse off.
Also want to send you a massive hug, I had a daughter in October 2020 and struggled with depression and anxiety despite my recovery going well. I can't imagine how strong you must be to have got to where you are now physically and also with the loss of identity from not having your work as a break from motherhood. Please keep pushing forward, you'll be a great asset to the company that eventually see your potential

What are you on about? I am not defending him I am calling out the posters saying he can use his “big wages” to get a bloody nanny.

@Ahbisto

I am not defending him

I mean...

I am really shocked people are rushing in to kick the husband

People are 'rushing to kick him' because he's so cruel he blackmailed her into not seeking medical treatment for PND.

I almost hope you simply didn't read all of OP's posts.

If you have and still posted what you did... wow.

I don’t see it as misogyny. The OP has clearly said she didn’t want the baby, it’s very probable her feelings of resentment towards the baby (or child if they’re now older) surpasses her love for him (there’s been no alluding to a feeling of love). Yes she is suffering, I have no doubt about that but a baby is innocent and vulnerable and has zero control over any aspect of this situation at all. It’s not at all unreasonable that people will worry about the baby’s wellbeing over an adult. It’s a wholly unpleasant situation all round and her husband sounds awful and, at the risk of sounding like a misogynist, my heart goes out to this child that no one wants to voluntarily look after. So shoot me🤷‍♀️

@Littleelffriend

What an awful thing to say to a woman in an abusive relationship with PND.

I've reported you.

He hasn't "benefitted massively from it", he's had to get on with his life and having to support his new family. My heart aches for you, it sounds like you've been through such a tough time and need someone to blame, but I do feel that you're putting all the blame on DH when it's really not his fault. At the point you started, he could have managed 50/50 but as he had to take on more to support you all his role and responsibilities have changed. You'll make up the lost time, and when you're back on an equal footing you can go back to the original arrangement; in the meantime, he may not be able to manage 50/50 but that doesn't mean you have to take on everything - he is still dad and needs to do his bit.

@Bhagira

I do feel that you're putting all the blame on DH when it's really not his fault.

Umm did you not read OP's posts properly?

DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.

And you're defending this guy? Seriously?

He hasn't "benefitted massively from it", he's had to get on with his life and having to support his new family.

I disagree. If OP hadn't lost her job through being unwell post-birth she'd have continued her career, he'd have done more childcare and they'd have discussed how progression affects their family rather him being able to work whatever hours, weekend etc he likes

I have no idea why you are attacking me and I will not respond to you further, if you had read my post it was about kicking him about not hiring childcare or giving up work to care for the child

please try to calm yourself down and focus on supporting the op and stop detailing the thread in your excitement. No one is justifying or defending abuse.

He hasn't "benefitted massively from it", he's had to get on with his life and having to support his new family. My heart aches for you, it sounds like you've been through such a tough time and need someone to blame, but I do feel that you're putting all the blame on DH when it's really not his fault

He HAS benfitted massively and he IS to blame. He prevented her from getting medical help by threats and intimidation.

If your "heart aches" for OP, stop gaslighting her and supporting an abusive man.

@Ahbisto - wtf??

I am really shocked people are rushing in to kick the husband

Are you really? A man who has never got up to look after his own dc in the night, who refuses to look after his own child, who told his wife not to seek treatment for PND, a man who refuses to even discuss looking after his own dc so his wife can work. Do you think he's being reaonable?

Once she gets well she has a better chance of getting a job and then they can afford childcare which can allow them both to work their hours.
See the above. He has literally said he won't do that 'until OP has a job in which she's earning the same as he does' .

the least folks can do is bother to read the ops posts
Pot, kettle!!

@Ahbisto

You absolutely were defending him.

I disagree that it's not helpful to address posters like you defending OP's husband whose behaviour is abusive.

If people don't address how wrong it is for you to do so, OP will believe you and others saying this isn't a DH problem when it absolutely is.

I'm not 'excited', I'm just not keen on people defending abusers 🤷🏻‍♀️

I do feel for you, having illness after giving birth is awful and you haven’t had it easy by any accounts! I can see why you are frustrated and angry and feel that your husband is having the life of Riley doing what he wants to do while you would love to have the opportunity to do it! But saying that the baby hasn’t fucked you over it’s not the babies fault! And I’m not insinuating you don’t love your baby) you are feeling resentful that your husband can do his job while you are struggling! Sadly this happens to a lot of women,

Unbelievable isn't it?

Women who defend men abusing women don't seem to realise that it won't make abusive men hate them any less.

Christ on a bike, @usernamealreadytaken

He hasn't "benefitted massively from it", he's had to get on with his life and having to support his new family.

Yes, he has - he has been promoted and been able to progress in his career because OP is doing ALL the childcare.

I do feel that you're putting all the blame on DH when it's really not his fault

What's not his fault? the fact that he refused to let OP seek medical treatment, the fact that he's said he won't help with childcare, the fact that he has never got up with his own dc? That's ALL his fault. Why are you excusing him?

he is still dad and needs to do his bit

That is what OP has been saying, if you had bothered to read her posts. He won't. She has asked him!

“Grandparents who begged for a grandchild haven’t stepped up and offered to babysit either.”

OP I am so sorry you are going through this, the way you described the pressure of having a child resonates with me. My DH and I wanted a child at some point but were in no rush. For three years were quizzed and constantly asked “when are you having children?” Even when I would brush off the question, change the subject or tell people to stop being nosey the next time they saw me/us, they would ask. We have a lovely DS (3) he is a high needs toddler, with a severe speech delay who has only just started sleeping through the night. And where are all those people who kept pressuring us and making me feel bad because “times running out” when my DH and I are exhausted? It’s infuriating. Have you said to the grandparents “I’m struggling, I need a break” or has your husband stopped you from reaching out to them?

As pp have said, please speak to your GP, I am so sorry your husband would put you in such a position, it’s abusive and controlling. Oh and this notion that you’re fine with less sleep as you’re at home all day is bullshit. He needs to step up and make some serious changes.

💐

Would your partner ever tell you that if you were to seek help for post natal depression, he would leave you?

If he did that, would you think he was a decent man?

If not, this isn't comparable to your situation.

@Sweetdreamer22 , what a smug, unhelpful, victim-blaming post. You might like to try reading the OP's posts.

@Bhagira I'm pretty appalled at some of the responses on this thread. It sounds as if you have been through a lot of trauma and you are, quite naturally, angry and traumatised. You should seek the PND treatment that you were prevented from getting at the time. Added to that, getting serial work rejections is incredibly dispiriting but three years isn't a long time in the big scheme of things. Your DH and relatives need to step up and give you some child-free time to make a career plan. But before any of that please consider having a chat with your GP.