Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

I have spoken to DH about sharing more equally if I succeed in getting a job. I told him he’ll have to do half of picking up and dropping off when DS starts school (he is nearly 4 so starts in September). And DH wants to do all of the drop offs at 8am because that fits better with his schedule, he can arrange to start work half an hour late. That leave me with all the 3pm pick ups, which are much harder to fit a job around.

So I said surely YOU should be doing the pickups, because you’re more senior so your job is likely to be more flexible, you could pick up at 3pm then work from home for a couple of hours. And I’ll do the drop offs which will fit better with a junior job that has little flexibility. He just point blank said no, that doesn’t work for me. I said but being stuck with the drop offs will prevent me working unless I go part time, and he said tough, it would ruin his job too and he’s more important. So this is the sort of attitude I’m facing.

Yes @Delinathe well said - 👏

Everyone wanted a baby and now he’s been dumped on me, the only person who didn’t want a baby

In fairness, she didn't want the baby in the first place.

Childminder for pick ups? I am quite senior and wouldn't be able to leave at 3pm everyday, but we found a childminder so it worked for us both.

She does NOT have to preface the post with how much she loves her child and that it is well cared for. She doesn't have to establish that to justify her feelings.
For those who are asking: I never had any particular urge to have a baby and I was worried that it would end up all being on my shoulders. I have no interest in taking a traditional housewife role. But DH pressured me for years and grandparents begged etc. So I had a baby, and of course I love him and he’s well looked after. But he’s entirely dumped on me; the husband and grandparents who begged me to have him are nowhere to be seen. It’s infuriating.

I missed whose parents these grandparents are, but can they be asked to do the 3PM pickup?

If he won’t listen to you, you should try explaining this in marriage counseling, because it’s a big enough issue that the end result will likely be divorce. Of course, at that point with 50:50 custody, your child care problem gets taken care of by default.
I have considered this. It would prevent him claiming all the “easy” 8am drop offs and claiming he’s doing his fair share, while leaving me with the pickups which are harder to coordinate. He’d be forced to do 2.5 days including both pickups and drop offs and cooking the evening meal.

Your H is awful

Tell him 50:50 would be week on week off.

This man isn't going to do 50/50 after divorce. He's too important for that. He'll be a weekend Disney dad. Except when he's travelling. He'll see the kid when he gets back.

I missed whose parents these grandparents are, but can they be asked to do the 3PM pickup?
Both sets of grandparents. No they are all too old and poor health. They had whinged for years about kids and so had DH, and then his Dad died. So of course it was a tragedy that my selfishness had meant his Dad would never meet our child, and his Mum wailed that she probably wouldn’t meet our child either because no doubt she’ll be next to die. My own mother cried because all of her friends had multiple grandchildren and even great grandchildren, while she didn’t have even one grandchild because I wouldn’t pop one out. So I had one. They all drop in for an hour and expect me to make them a cup of tea while they play with DS and say how lovely he is. Then they bugger off and leave me with the other 23 hours of coping with the child they begged for.

I know .you have bigger issues but wrap around care would solve the drop.off/pick up debate (child minder or school before/after school club)

Have you posted about him before? This is very familiar. I'm sorry you are struggling to get a job as well as having a complete twat of a husband

Op no one needs to do three pm pick ups, you can get wrap around care.

Can you book his place in after school club now? We’ve just had our offer and details of how to book were with it.
As for the rest. Gosh. I agree with those saying see your GP for help. And don’t worry about taking something junior. You’ll soon climb back up. The ‘D’H? I don’t have any constructive advice.

I'm sorry but you're dreaming if you think you can force him to do 50/50. He can just refuse.

I don't know anyone who picks up their children at 3, everyone uses after school clubs or childminders. This should not prevent you getting a job.

What is the job you are after? I can see that in my area many offer hybrid or 100% remote options.

There isn’t an after school club at his school. I’m exploring childminders but I don’t feel very confident about DS going to a stranger’s home, I’d prefer an organised setting.

In fairness, she didn't want the baby in the first place

1. That doesn't mean he's not okay.
2. My point still stands because I see these kinds of responses to struggling mothers too often.

Your husband is an absolute arsehole.

But childminders are brilliant, honestly.

Absolutely all of this. Well said.

Unfortunately OP these are the trade-offs most of us have to make, if you are desperate to get back into your career you will need to use a childminder or switch to a school that has after school care. Your husband is a real jerk but I don't know many people who could duck out at 3 pm for school runs every day, you can't use his refusal to do that as an excuse to not work.

My advice:

Update your skills and network
Get a job, any job, in your field
Sort out childcare
Divorce your jerk husband

Childminders are great, they are all checked and regulated and will likely have other kids there, they are also often much more flexible. Nothing to be worried about wirh a child minder, you just interview and find one you like.

Your husband is a real jerk but I don't know many people who could duck out at 3 pm for school runs every day, you can't use his refusal to do that as an excuse to not work.

"An excuse to not work"?

She's made it clear she desperately wants to!

She's being blocked at every stage by her husband.

Agree with this. I know we are getting abuse for not immediately supporting the OP but she needs to take some responsibility. No one forces you to have a baby, if you 100% didn't want one then you should have been firm with this choice. It's not just a toy you "pop out" and then business as usual, whatever you think you have seen your other friends doing. Also yes pregnancy can be hard as can the aftermath, many of us have gone through birth injuries and the subsequent recovery.
You say that your husband would not allow you to access care for potential PND, you should have pushed for this regardless of what he said not just for yourself but for the welfare of your baby. You need to get help ASAP to get yourself sorted but it's you that needs to do this.
Yes your husband sounds awful and I'm sorry you have been so unsupported but this isn't just about you, you need to step up for your child too.

you need to step up for your child too

@WimbyAce

Step up how? What more can the OP do for her child? There are only 24 hours in the day and she already gives those to her son. The child is fine. The husband is fine. It's the OP who is dying on the inside. But sure, what does she matter. She's just a woman.