Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

He just point blank said no, that doesn’t work for me. I said but being stuck with the drop offs will prevent me working unless I go part time, and he said tough, it would ruin his job too and he’s more important.

Is he actually saying, to your face, that he's more important?

I'll give you an alibi and hep you dig the hole ...

But seriously, this man is showing you who he is. And it is Not.Your.Fault. @Bhagira You went into this with an agreement which you fully expected the man you married to honour. Somehow he's turned into an areshole, and betrayed your trust.

And I add my applause for the post by @Delinathe I'm somewhat aghast at the woman-blaming in this thread.

I didn't say the child wasn't ok. I didn't say the child was not cared for. I said the OP said she did not want the child in the first place. There is a world of difference between the two. At the end of the day she feels lumbered with a child she didn't want. That's the long and the short of it.

No one forces you to have a baby, if you 100% didn't want one then you should have been firm with this choice.

You say that your husband would not allow you to access care for potential PND, you should have pushed for this regardless of what he said not just for yourself but for the welfare of your baby.

I think people who offer this sort of "advice" have never been in a situation where the pressure is exerted emotionally, to the point of coercion. I really feel for the OP, and I think PP need to understand the massive & complex pressures on her.

Her husband is showing himself to be abusive, emotionally, and probably always has been, but while @Bhagira was earning the same as him, he had no grounds to coerce or abuse her.

And it sounds as though the OP may well have faced a broken marriage had she continued to refuse to have a child.

Good luck OP - LTB.

Hi there, OP.

Sorry to hear you're going through this. We're just dropping in with some links to places which might be able to offer you further support.

pandasfoundation.org.uk/ - they have a helpline open 11am til 10pm every day

There's also www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/postnatal-depression-and-perinatal-mental-health/ptsd-and-birth-trauma/

Hope those might be helpful.
All the best,
MNHQ

“I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.”

What was DH supposed to do, get sick and get sacked to equal the playing field? 🙄
I agree he has been an idiot over not helping OP to get the extra help she needs, but it’s really a stretch to think he could have done anything at all to mitigate the utterly bad luck that OP suffered through no fault of anybody.

I agree he has been an idiot over not helping OP to get the extra help she needs

He hasn't been an 'idiot', he's been abusive and used coercive control - emotionally blackmailing her through threats to stop her seeking medical treatment for PND.

I'm really shocked that there are posters minimising or dismissing his behaviour.

He's been cruel, selfish and abusive.

And @bloodyunicorns actually OPs situation doesn’t sound a million miles from my own
DH and I worked in the same industry, though not the same field.
I had a difficult pregnancy, not due to my own health but due to living with my mentally ill alcoholic father following the recent death of my mother who was his carer - I was physically and mentally abused by him.
I was made redundant shortly after having DS1 (was on mat leave during 9/1) and unable to find work due to the economic downturn after the terrorist attack.
Suffered PND.
Had DS2 who has SEN.
Took care of most child-related stuff so DH could further his career and support his family. Wasn’t my ideal choice but made the best of it. The alternative was to bring my children up in poverty, which after being brought up in that situation was not going to happen.
Returned to work and have since done reasonable jobs, but will never follow the career path which I could have done.
Suffered depression on and off over the years, and can recognise some of this in OPs posts. Blaming others is not unusual when you feel powerless, but that doesn’t always mean it’s someone else’s fault.

I don't think you have the luxury of just saying no to using a childminder? (My kids are with a childminder and they adore them) And why choose a school with No before/after school club? Those 2 things would hugely facilitate you going back to work but you deliberately discounted them?

Which bit of him threatening to leave her if she got help for PND did you miss? Or the part about him flat out refusing to be flexible at work to do some, you know, parenting? He’s an abusive shit. If you can’t see this, it’s actually concerning.

Career wise the husband is blameless surely?
A year off sick, then 2 years off with pandemic as CEV is not down to him. Employers not hiring her with the CV gap is also not down to him.
Support wise he should have done more, but there's no point being jealous of his work trips since OP isn't in a position to do the same.

Hopefully little one is coming up to school age soon OP and you can reset and make decisions. Just make sure you don't have any more and have your contraception sorted.

He didn't make the OP sick, he didn't cause the pandemic, he didn't tell employers not to hire her.

But he also refused to step up with childcare, so the OP can't apply for jobs with normal hours, and he actively has told the OP that her career isn't as important as his because he earns more. He doesn't give a shit that she gets fulfilment out of working. He'd rather maximise household income and have the OP look after the baby full-time, even though she is blatantly as unhappy as one can be.

He's done a number on her mental health by being such an unsupportive jackass, and that isn't helping her come across well in the recruitment process.

On her previous thread, the poster said that she didn't want anyone else looking after their child. And it went downhill from there.

@theobligatorynamechange she's been off work for 3 years+. I'm assuming they're in the same accommodation and have even more bills with a child than they had when they were both earning the same salary. She is reluctant to use wrap around childcare? What is he supposed to do?

He could use his position of seniority to flex his working hours, for a start.

Plenty of men I know do afternoon pickups. Her DH is refusing to even entertain the idea.

She wouldn't have to use wraparound childcare if he would step up to share parenting their child.

Thats an assumption that he's in a position to do this. Childcare is normal for most working parents. And the elephant in the room is he's currently the only one bringing in any money and supporting their current lifestyle.

There is no job offer that has been turned down because he's refused to do pickups. Actually there's not much anything except jealousy about a work trip and regret about their child.

@TedMullins "Which bit of him threatening to leave her if she got help for PND did you miss? Or the part about him flat out refusing to be flexible at work to do some, you know, parenting? He’s an abusive shit. If you can’t see this, it’s actually concerning."
Anyone who has any experience of PND might notice that sufferers often can't rationalise or contextualise events, and that threatening to leave might not have happened, and refusing to parent might not be true, because we don't have both sides of the story. I'm trying to be supportive of OP but from experience of mental health issues, also be cautious and not just pile blame on one party. When I was in the depths of PND my husband went away for a weekend and I felt very much like OP is feeling now, but with the benefit of good medication and conversations which didn't involve so much anger, I can now see that he needed the space too because life with me and PND must have been bloody awful for him. Just glad DS was too young to remember.

@Badqueen
When I wrote this message I was trying to cheer op up as I felt from her early messages she felt as though what her husband was doing was more valuable than what she was doing.

I don't think a job makes anyone more valuable, not even being a prime minister.

I wanted to show her some support as there were few replies at the time.

I realise now it make have come across wrong even though I did say her husband needed to be more flexible to allow her to return to work and that more workplaces were understanding of dads needing to take time off for child caring duties.

In reading more from the op I very much feel he needs to pull his boots up and do much more. She is doing way more hours than him, and if she was being paid she would be well into OT with him not helping at night or early in the morning.

Him having weekends out as if his life hasn't changed and her not having time off is totally unfair.

Anyone doing the workload op has on her shoulders would likely be facing burn out.

I was shocked he didn't allow op to have the counselling she wanted and I think that's very worrying. I hope op can get this sorted.

It's clear to me that work is very important to op and that her husband really needs to facilitate her being able to return to work. I hope he does the 3pm pickups as she is correct , it is much harder when starting a new job to be able to get those kind of hours.

I believe that anyone should be allowed to choose to be a working mother, a stay at home mother or motherless. Any role a woman chooses is important and of value.

I just wanted to let the op know that even though she wasn't feeling valuable in comparison to her husband she was doing things of value and I appreciate anybody who does what she is doing.

However she deserves to be happy and being a working mum is a wonderful thing too if that's where her true happiness lies.

she felt as though what her husband was doing was more valuable than what she was doing.

That’s kindly meant @Courtjobby but part of the problem is that the OP’s husband thinks that what she’s doing isn’t valuable. Imagine living with someone, intimately, who thinks that what you do and the sacrifices you’ve made, are of no value?

@GoodThinkingMax your totally correct. I have been in a relationship where i was made reel like my job wasn't as important and it was an awful feeling. I can't imagine living with ops husband, he sounds extremely unsupportive and unempathetic to op. He has burdened her with far more than her share of the workload and seems to have a life that suits him at while sacrificing hers. It's not a partnership that I would be happy in.

The DH might have the flexibility to do pick ups but It doesn't sound like he's even considered it or thought about looking into it because he just doesn't want to

Well that's that then, to be fair.

You can't have all the reward and no sacrifice. You can't have a fantastic career without a little bit of paid childcare if you don't have family support.

I think a CM would be the best option really .Most jobs would be difficult to leave at 3pm ,unless maybe an earlier start could be arranged. I think your DH is offering to do drop offs, so maybe you could see if an employer would consider an earlier start for you and earlier finish? My friend does this (US) . I think you would easily be able to re enter the job market .You are obv intelligent and employable .You have just been unlucky with your health . You are capable .

I would play hard ball to be honest. Tell your husband you want a trial separation because you can't go on like this arguing all the time and both growing to resent each other. Tell him he will be doing 50/50. Don't engage in any discussion, negotiation or argument about it. Can you go to your mum's? I would go as far as dropping DS to him for half the week/on "his time" and turning your phone off. Let him figure out how to do the drop off and pick ups. I used go argue with my ex about this and my point was always "what would you do if I dropped dead and you were the only parent? Do that"

As for the job, surely starting at a junior position and trying to work back up is better than staying like this? If it took you 10 years for example, those 10 years are going to pass regardless of what you do so you might as well spend them working and having some kind of fulfillment. What's the alternative? Never work again? Really sounds to me that any kind of work will do you some good - I am the same and took a much lower paid job after some health problems but I swallowed the disappointment in losing my career and decided that my official position was grateful that I was able to work. The situation you are in was always my biggest nightmare and I also had kids because I was pressured by everyone. I learnt to be a very strong character and just take no crap from my ex which really helped. He didn't get to just say "no" to me with regards to childcare, drop offs etc. You are still acting like you 2 are a team, your husband isnt acting like he is on a team all his decisions are self serving and you have to start doing the same.

Good luck xx

Personally I'd rather a professional such as a childminder looked after my child than a feckless dad who can't really be bothered.

Me too @Dinotour