Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

This x 1000

Him not wanting help for fear of SS is alarming.

He doesn't fear SS involvement.

He fears being told to man up & start taking a share of the parenting.
He fears that any medical/clinical support will reveal the gaping hole in OP's marriage where a husband ought to be.
He fears getting his coercive control rumbled.

Abuse thrives in secrecy. That is why abusers isolate their victims.
He has isolated OP from her own doctor, & no doubt made her feel ashamed to speak up to her own family & friends.

This!

How is OP selfish when she’s the only one caring for the child?

Perhaps I'm projecting, but I don't read any resentment of the baby, but of the situation and of her husband - I completely understand this - I adore my kids, but I never intended to be in sole charge of them 24Hrs a day, and trying to keep my career afloat - I thought I was part of a team.

She's being upfront about her feelings and situation, we shouldn't berate op because she isn't gushing about how much she loves her child - because the child isn't actually the problem here, OP is stepping up and taking responsibility for her child, whilst in a shit situation (forget PND, it's not something unbalanced, I think it's a totally fair reaction to the situation) and trying to figure a way ahead.

OP - can you get something remote, something you can start around the child to get a pay packet so you can then get childcare? I used childminders - twice it's been mums of my kids friends at school (registered, when I was in the UK, so fully legal)?

Being practical about the solutions, isn't the same as not being loving to her child. I bet I come off as cold sometimes too, but that's because when I'm trying to figure something out, that's what I concentrate on, with no fluff and excuses.

I think you need to leave your DC with their father and head off to a retreat for week. You are really unhappy and need time out to reflect on your wants and needs. This isnt going to get any better and you have alot of issues around the trauma of pregnancy and then trauma of labour and the effects post natally. You have had major changes so i can understand your emotional state but you need to channel this and recover emotionally from the trauma over the past 3 yrs.

I’ve tried applying for junior roles but I’m competing with people ten years younger who don’t have kids. - who would know you have child when you are applying?

And even if I get a junior role, by the time I work back up to my previous position - you are speculating here

I’ll have lost even more time, and I’ve lost enough already. It’s just so depressing. Why are employers so against hiring someone who’s been out of work for a few years - have you look are jobs for those who are returning to previous careers? FOr those you'll get extra support.

As MN says - you have a "D"H problem here first of all. ~If he isn't helping then that needs to be addressed.

What skills do you need to upgrade? Were you working in IT? What skills of yours are out of date>

OP

I agree.
Arrange this. Don't tell him.
Next weekend day when he's back just do it.
Turn off your phone.
Talk to the police first so they know not to look for you as a missing person.
And go.

No... You haven't been fucked ove rny your baby...

You've been 'fucked over' by your husband.... He's unilaterally changed the rules.

PS I'd find a way to use your anger... Ans push back...
It s not just about building up a family financial fund... YOUR happiness and career are important too...

A lot to unpick here. OP, you seem to really hate your baby and your DH seems to not give a crap about them either. That is really concerning, please reach out to someone to get help for that.

The rest: You are blaming your DH for a lot of things that are outside his control - the impact of pregnancy on your body, the surgery, the pandemic, the lack of nursery places - there's nothing he could have done about any of that.

The problem is that you made plans based on an assumption about how things would go and you're now operating in a very different landscape. Your DH is right that he's now the higher earner and the impact of him going part time (would his employers even consider that?) would now disproportionately impact your finances.

Sit him down, explain you want to go back to work for your own sanity, and you need his support. Do it calmly - without blame, shouting, resentment, accusations or assumptions. Ask him to discuss with his work whether there are days they could be flexible for him to do drop offs or pick ups. If your child is at nursery, they are generally long days - 8am to 6pm - so shouldn't need to impact either of your working days. It sounds like you've grown so resentful that you are just starting fights about this now rather than trying to find a compromise somewhere. That's understandable but you are just creating an environment in which you will become more and more resentful and both of you more and more entrenched.

Op
To be honest you sound really unwell. Cutting people out of your life because they had a easier time than you isn't rational.
1 I'd go to doctor and explain your feelings
2 it sounds like what you crave most is social interaction , have you been getting out and about. There is no hard and fast rule saying that you cant take another role later but absolutely find something that gets you out of the house .

He VERY much is the problem. Maybe re-read the OP and you'll see it.

‘How much treatment did you get for your PND?
None. DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.

Basically I think he realised that if it became public knowledge that I was struggling, he’d get told that I should be doing less and he should step up, and he wasn’t going to risk that happening. It’s telling that his only options were “wife needs to cope or baby will be taken away”. No option of stepping up himself to replace me.’

WTF!
This man is not on your side… just off to read through the full thread.

Gosh, some PPs really love to kick the OP.

She has clearly tried asking her husband nicely (I mean FFS @StepAwayFromGoogling) . And he has refused to help her, refused to take care of DC, refused to give her sleep (prefers to watch TV alone) and has told her not to get MH support. No wonder she is pissed off.

And I am sure she doesn't act like she hates her baby. She is venting on a forum because she is angry and distressed. Because her DH has changed the goalposts - he is not even doing the 50:50 he promised if things went well and is hiding behind being the breadwinner. He should do that 50:50 as if she was working around work, because she has a job too right now (not that he respects it) and she needs to get some sleep and apply for a job that gets her some more interaction.

Woe is me. Did you seriously think having a baby will make you equal? You were very naive to think that.

Anger can give you the energy to get out of bed in the morning when everything seems bleak

1. OP I'm so sorry that the birth of our baby brought so much physical damage with it. To say you've been unlucky is an understatement. I don't know if it would help at all but the Birth Trauma Association has a moderated FB page where there are other women who have been through similar physical and related emotional experiences. Maybe worth a look.

1. I think your feelings towards DH are absolutely spot on. Why the fuck should you feel anything else given the circumstances? However, as someone who also feels angry at my misogynistic DH I can say that the feelings of anger and resentment hurt you more than him. Is there a way to channel them into an outcome that works for you? The goal is for you to feel good. Maybe let the anger drive your skills updating. Mine is driving my divorce planning.

1. Some women find babies the cutest, loveliest creatures ever whilst others aren't so fussed. Having a young child is a lot of donkey work, with little to no thanks. However, the investment isn't for nothing because they can turn out to be cool little humans later. I suspect you may enjoy a child a bit more when they're old enough to have intelligent conversation with! And even more so if you weren't doing the drudgery around that. Nothing wrong with that. In the meantime do what you can to outsource as much of the drudgery as you can so that time spent with your kid is less resentful. This is an investment in the future. I have found that having a babysitter in the house while I'm here can be a great help. I'm there if needed (usually am not needed) but can get on with my own things too. Babysitter knows I'm not checking up on her, I just have things to do.

1. You are not mentally ill. You are mentally injured: if someone stood on your foot and didn't get off you'd have a pain in your foot. It wouldn't be an illness though! However, too much pressure on that foot for too long could indeed make you ill. I bet if you got your job back and DH was pulling his weight and not treating you like hired help that you'd feel pretty ok pretty quickly. However you need to feel ok given the circumstances. I'd definitely recommend telling the GP about how you feel and what's happened - especially that you weren't allowed to get treatment for suspected PND. Take all the help you possibly can, and push for more if necessary, because you absolutely deserve it.

1. DO NOT ENTER COUPLES COUNSELLING WITH HIM. He's a controlling abuser. There is no couples counselling for abusers. Similarly if you ever go for divorce, be extremely careful of any face to face mediation for the same reasons.

1. You sound like a very competent woman. I imagine that's not how you feel right now, but it's clear from your posts, you're just stuck now. It's unfair, shouldn't be like this, but given that right now it is, how are you going to move forward? The way out probably isn't simple and will require more than one action to get the ball rolling in the right direction. It might stall a few times as well. People will judge you and others still will say unkind things, including DH. Fuck them all. This is your life and while you can't change today, you can work towards a different situation next year. You have the skills to get out of this. Enlist all the help you can get (medical, psychological, childcare - anything and everything!), think outside the box if need be, write a plan and follow it, adjusting where needed. Take the raw emotion out when possible and honestly, you will be able to build a life that works for you.

I am really shocked people are rushing in to kick the husband without even bothering to read the ops posts, she’s clearly said money is tight, they can’t afford childcare, there is no big wages, there is no ability to get a nanny, they are living off his single wage and they can only afford childcare if she gets a job.

He can’t quit his job to look after the child, on what planet is this possible. It’s their only means of surviving and if they’ve a mortgage they won’t get enough benefits to continue to keep their home.

they are arguing about hypothetical who does drop off and pick up if she gets a job, but she doesn’t have one. And she needs to get medical help as it’s unlikely she will get one when she’s so unwell.

once she gets well she has a better chance of getting a job and then they can afford childcare which can allow them both to work their hours.

the least folks can do is bother to read the ops posts.

• your baby!!!! I'm not your DH! 😂

How much treatment did you get for your PND?
None. DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.

Well then he needs to step the fuck up whilst you attend some courses to improve your employment chances.

Surely he can take some annual leave?

Tbh if you haven't really got spare money for childcare for this then his job isn't all that & it sounds as if you need to be working!

Sit him down, explain you want to go back to work for your own sanity, and you need his support. Do it calmly - without blame, shouting, resentment, accusations or assumptions.

It sounds like you've grown so resentful that you are just starting fights about this now rather than trying to find a compromise somewhere.

Imagine typing this with a straight face to a woman in an abusive relationship.

He emotionally blackmailed her into not seeking treatment for her PND.

A 'calm' chat isn't going to make an abuser stop being abusive.

He doesn't need this issue explaining to him. He knows exactly what's going on. It works for him. He doesn't want it to change because it changing means he has to make compromises.

Abusers don't stop being abusive when you explain to them that their abusive behaviour is impacting you Ffs.

OP, don't listen to those telling you that you are unreasonable. Your husband is awful, you have had a lot of terrible luck, and you have (as you know) been royally fucked over.

You are angry and jealous and sad and struggling and all of that is a NORMAL REACTION TO WHAT HAS HAPPENED. You probably do need some assistance with your mental health, but not because you are reacting badly an inappropriately.

Use your anger. Work out what you can do to gain some ground back. Make plans to leave your terrible husband. You don't have to take the baby unless you want to either.

I can totally feel you pain OP. You've been left with all the shit bits of life and I get you. Leave your husband, he's an utter prick and although your life will be hard for a bit, it will get so much better. If he wanted a child then leave and let him have 50/50 care, don't take your child at first. Let him sort it out and let him see how fucking hard it is, do not feel guilty about this. Get you and your life back on track and you will be so much happier.

I had a hideous birth, very traumatic, PND and PTSD. Off work for 10 months due to PTSD. My ex although didn't tell me to not have counselling, he never encouraged it and at one point when I was asking things from him said for me to stop it, it clearly wasn't helping me. I was utterly miserable, my career had halted due to having time off. Turned down twice for promotions because I was constantly looking after a child and couldn't get 'interview' ready.

Mine left, had an affair because I was showering him with love! Best thing that happened to be honest. But boy was I jealous, I was left holding the baby (well toddler) while he rarely saw him. He got to get promoted, go on nice holidays, have weekends free, no responsibilities blah blah. I never even wanted children, they were not in my life plan. I was so jealous of his easy fucking life with no responsibilities, when I couldn't even pop to the shops on my own!

Life is much better now, I still harbour some resentment, I never get a break really. But it is better, my son is older and I have a bit of freedom during daylight hours so to speak.

Feel free to IM message me to rant at someone who knows how you are feeling.

He emotionally blackmailed his wife into not seeking medical help for her PND...

How you can defend a man who would be that cruel is beyond me.

It's scary.