Jealous of DH

[Bhagira]

DH has gone to a work exhibition and won’t be back till Sunday. In a couple of months he’s going to a conference abroad for a full week. I’m insanely jealous and resentful and I hate him.

We used to work in the same field. Then I got pregnant. I had terrible health problems and birth injuries that resulted in me being off work for over a year. In the end my employer had to let me go because I was off work for too long. Just as I was recovering, the pandemic happened. So as the unemployed parent I had to stay at home with DC while nurseries were closed, and I continued to stay at home until I was double vaccinated because I’m CEV. Then I couldn’t get childcare because due to the pandemic I wasn’t on any local waiting lists for a space, so I had to wait even longer.

I’m trying to reapply for jobs now but between pregnancy and pandemic I’ve been out of the workforce for years. The gap on my CV is being treated very negatively and nobody will hire me. Plus while I’ve been stuck at home, DH has been promoted, so he’s now saying he can’t be flexible for childcare and I’ll have to work around it. Which is going to pretty much ruin my employment prospects, I doubt I’ll be able to retain a job when they find out I have to cover 100% of pickups, dropoffs and sick days.

I’m incredibly unhappy. We agreed that we’d work around having a baby and it wouldn’t impact my career, I’d pop out the baby and go straight back to work, and we’d share the burden equally. But fate had other ideas.

DH left last night and I’ve cried ever since. I’m just so jealous every single day when he goes to work, and I want to go to the exhibition too but I can’t. It’s ruining my marriage - it’s not the same relationship it was when we met as equals. I hate him and I’d rather divorce him than sit here watching him have the career that I wanted.

None. DH said he’d leave me if I sought treatment. Because he didn’t want social services interfering in our lives and he wasn’t having his child taken away.

Your husband is financially abusive (because he's made it impossible for you to work) and emotionally abusive.

Forcing your wife, through threats of divorce, not to seek treatment for a debilitating condition like PND is the lowest of the low. It's cruel and selfish. Him not allowing her to seek treatment was cruel both to her and the baby as a baby needs their mum to feel as supported, happy and healthy as possible.

He sounds awful OP and I don't think I could be with a man like him. His image is more important than you and the baby's wellbeing. He's horrible.

Please leave this sorry excuse for a partner. He has no interest in your welfare or wellbeing. He will never step up.

100% this. ^^ Saved me from saying it tbh. I do think you need to talk to someone about this @Bhagira as the baby is the person I am most concerned about here. I hope you get the help you need, but neither you OR your husband are coming out of any of this smelling of roses. Take care of yourself, and your baby.

I’m so sorry OP you’re in this situation.

Birth trauma is just so hard. Having an eejit for a husband makes it much worse.

First, you must get some counselling as everyone has said. The nonsense from your husband about social services is so absurd that if he’s not actually not very bright then he was simply using it to control you.

Second, have you tried agencies that specialise in getting women back into the workplace after children? Some of my friends went back after 10, 15 years and found good roles. 4 or so years is nothing.

What about taking a month out to think, leaving your child with him for that time. That should focus his mind and if it doesn’t, nothing will.

Are you for real?!

Her husband forced her not to seek treatment for her PND.

He will not allow her to have a job as he's said he won't share childcare.

In what possible world is any of that acceptable?

In what possible world does being angry and sad about that make OP self obsessed?

What a fucking horrible post.

The op shouldn’t make any big life decisions until she gets urgent medical help. it’s ludicrous people suggesting she upends her life when she’s this unwell.
That's probably why nobody on this thread has suggested she upends her life.

I am concerned that the husband thought social services would be invovled if she saw a doctor due to what’s going on in the home and how this child is being cared for and he didn’t want anyone to know.
So are PP, but not for the same reason as you.
You seem to be concerned with casting nasty aspersions about her parenting.
Most PP are concerned because they believe OP's opinion.
"Basically I think he realised that if it became public knowledge that I was struggling, he’d get told that I should be doing less and he should step up, and he wasn’t going to risk that happening. It’s telling that his only options were “wife needs to cope or baby will be taken away”. No option of stepping up himself to replace me."

Likely she is right as it would possibly be said she can’t be in sole charge, and he doesn’t have the money to pay for child care, he can’t stay home, and he needs to work as they need his wage as they are sole income.
She is in sole charge.
He doesn't do any night wakes, he never gets up for the 5am-6am start to his child's day.
OP is therefore exhausted - he knows this, but just tells her it's fine for her to be exhausted, but he better not risk getting tired, because ManJob.
She is capable of at least P-T work.
Her H CAN stay home more - he just doesn't want to.

at the root of this is serious mental illness that needs treatment urgently, once this is done and the op starts to recover then she can sort everything else.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE
Stop with the wilful catastrophising.
Many mothers have PND - most of them recover fairly smoothly with medical intervention.
You have NO IDEA WHATSOVER that OP's has a "serious mental illness".How dare you?!
Not even her doctor knows that - she hasn't been allowed to see one, remember?
I think she possibly has a 'normal' level of PND/depression but that her more pressing MH difficulty is the fact that she is coping with financial & emotional abuse from her H.

in the meantime there is a little child being raised in the middle of this, and they need to be a priority as what ever is happening could be very damaging to them. Asking the op to leave before she is treated, is not going to improve this child’s welfare conditions.
Again - nobody has asked OP to leave.
Everybody is urging her to ignore her H's diktat, & get to her GP asap.

it may actually be better the child is put in temporary foster care whilst the op goes into recovery, as the father can’t just quit his job to care for them, and they can’t afford child care but also the op can’t be in sole care.
Again - the OP already IS in sole care. I don't know where you are getting your fixation from that she isn't, or "can't be".
And please - stop with the melodrama. "Goes into recovery" my arse.
"Foster care" - stop shitstirring.

Your posts seem entirely aimed at telling OP she is somehow wrong for feeling angry & overwhelmed, that she therefore has a serious MH problem, & totally minimising her H's hugely significant & horribly abusive part in all this.
Why would you do that, @Ahbisto?

Who are all these ghastly posters saying they’re more concerned about the baby than the OP? What kind of fucked up internalised misogyny is this? It’s in line with pro-life that a child is more inherently valuable than its suffering mother.

Anyone with a shred of decency would be concerned for both mother and child.

@Dreamstate and @WimbyAce - I'd save your criticism for the baby's useless father here.

OP IS looking after the baby; her h is not. OP hasn't had a full night's sleep in months. She is still dealing with birth injuries and PND, which will be causing her to think and say things she wouldn't normally think or say. Don't you understand that?

@183T

I have never felt so sorry for a baby in my whole life

Then you've lived a very fucking blessed life.

I can't fathom coming onto a thread like this and posting such a horrible thing to someone clearly struggling.

Have you caught up on the thread now and seen poor OP is being abused by her husband who won't even allow her to seek treatment for her PND?

If so I hope you reflect on your odd, throwaway and dismissive comment.

👏👏👏This. Some posters need to take a good hard look at themselves.

but at least think about seeing your child now and again.
Are you ok @tkwal, or maybe confused, or on the wrong thread?
OP spends 24 hours a day with her child.

And study the lyrics of cat in the cradle
Eh?
These are from the perspective of a son whose father is never around.
Maybe you should ask OP for her H's email, & send the lyrics to him instead?

@JukeBoxHero8192

I'm sorry but the only person I feel sorry for in this situation is the child because they have been brought into the world by a mother who didn't want them in the first place and a father who wanted them but didn't want to responsibly bring them up.

You don't feel sorry for a woman suffering with PND being emotionally blackmailed into not seeking treatment for it! Wow.

@Juniper68

doesn't have to be foster care. They may never get him back. Family would be better to help.

Family? Like... the baby's dad, for example?

@PurpleButterflyWings - neither you OR your husband are coming out of any of this smelling of roses - really???

@Moonface123 - what a horrible post. You would have loved to have had the priverledge of being in your position, would you? What, with horrific birth injuries, no support from your h at all, no care, no respite from looking after the baby, and PND? Really? Sounds bloody peachy, huh?

Why are some women such misognyistic arses?? Good God.

You don't think some of these 'awful statements' might be due to her having PND and not being allowed to seek treatment for it? You don't think that will have affected her bonding with the baby etc?

I can't believe people are writing posts like this to someone like OP who is literally being abused emotionally and financially by her husband.

If she had a broken leg and he said he would break up with her if she went to the doctor would you think that was ok?!

OP I have only read your messages but I think this is much deeper than the job situation. You don’t seem, by your posts, to have bonded with your child, I don’t feel any love or affection there. Possibly because of the PND and you not receiving the supports you needed at the time. This has built up and I think is causing this resentment. I honestly think you need to speak to someone and get some help and support before making any rash decisions.
I really feel for you because you sound so unhappy and not just about work.

bloodyunicorns
I did, right at the start of my post. I'm appalled at both of their attitudes towards the poor child who should be the one being prioritised here
References to the child fucking her life over and her having had to bear the brunt of all this shit would make me very concerned for his/her welfare

However, I did write my post before I saw the comments about him "not allowing" her to seek help for her PND. To me that sounds like he is perfectly happy to keep her where she is. Social services would offer support, children are removed only as a last resort . As she had been successful in her career I would have expected her to stand up for herself within her marriage. Mea Culpa

So neither of you stopped to think about the physical effects of birth trauma or the psychological effects that followed, compounded by a sense of loss of self and a wholly unsupportive partner and wider family. Not even a smidgeon of concern for the apparent coercion and abuse?

No... you just jump in and add insults at, load the responsibility onto at a woman who has been physically, emotionally and socially fucked over by event.

Nicely done! Really, nicely done!

I think you should hate your husband. He sounds manipulative, overbearing and cruel. He clearly doesn't love you or value the person you truly are. This should have been obvious when he tried to pressure you into having a child you didn't want.

Do you love your child? Because if you don't, you really should walk out - do what men do, leave the family home, and refuse to have the child more than EOW - if that. Because having a parent in their life who actively hates and resents it will be awful for them.

Alternatively, leave your husband and insist on 50:50. then you will have half of your time back and he will have to step up.

@Bhagira as others have said, please, go and see your GP. Get yourself on a more even keel, start accessing all the help you can get to give you a better chance at sorting out your emotions and then doing something that will be the best for you and your child.

Your DH goes away for work, that gives you time to plan and execute anything you may decide to do. Think of any small positive you can, But first, get yourself some real life support. Best of luck

Very sorry to read all this OP and I do relate, even though I'm a SAHM by choice.

In terms of practical steps it sounds as though you could do with more childcare to give you more time to think about getting back in to the workforce.

Your husband needs to cover this.

You need some intervention (counselling, CBT, I don't know) because it sounds as if you haven't ever recovered from your PND. Preventing you from getting this is the worst part of your account of your husband's behaviour. This is a red line IMO. If he refuses (how can he?!) that is the end.

If you want to save your marriage, you need marriage counselling.

If you don't, then you should be aware that life as a divorcee won't be easier -- it will be harder in some ways. Not in the lack of support (which you're not getting anyway) but financially and in terms of your return to work. I'm not saying this to say that you shouldn't get divorced, but you need to know clearly what your options are.

Hang in there OP. I am sure things can get better for you.

He pressured me for years. Before I got pregnant I actually told him “I’ll give birth to one child and one child only, but after that I’m only doing half

I think you didn't actually want a baby and now you're stuck. I'm not saying that in a nasty way by the way. I think you've been duped by your dh. On top of that you've had health issues and a pandemic to contend with. It's a perfect storm I'm afraid.

Ideally but not looking likely. OP definitely needs support for both her and baby. Him not wanting help for fear of SS is alarming. It sounds like a very toxic environment.

Bhagira, PP mentioned this org upthread, & I had a nose ... looks good!
pregnantthenscrewed.com/about-maternity-discrimination/

Here you go lovie, & again - ignore the sanctimonious posturing going on round these parts. Nobody is "sorry for your baby," what utter tripe - they are concern trolling & posing. If any of them were actually "concerned" they'd be holding your hand & urging you to access the care you need & deserve - not taking bitchy swipes at an exhausted mother.

Oh OP, you’ve been through a terrible time and it’s no wonder you are feeling the way you do. First and foremost, seek treatment for your mental health because even if your DH suddenly steps up to the plate, it won’t help because you haven’t dealt with the trauma of your birth and following PND. Once you feel on a more even keel then take a closer look at your marriage to see whether you want to stay in it. You may be willing to work at it or you might still hate him and choose to leave. I can’t blame you. What an absolute arsehole.