Do you love DC more than your DP/DH?

[Tredhl]

My mum always said she couldn’t chose between us and my dad. So I just wondered!

Plus lots of us don’t share blood with our children.

I asked someone this question years ago when I was a first time mum, she said she would pick her dh everytime because he came before her children. Maybe it's because the love for your children is different to one of a spouse. I love my dh alot but love for my dcs supersedes anything else.

Actually I don't agree with this at all. I love DS more than dh which I think is very normal. BUT I would never tell DS this. He's an adult now but is still very prone to entitledness. He doesn't need to hear that both our worlds still revolve around him. He needs to start taking responsibility for his own shit. Also because now he doesn't love us as much as say his girlfriend but he does love us somewhat he actually wants to be secure in the fact we are okay with out him as he knows he is not going to be able to reciprocate our love.

The children of lovers are orphans is a proverb. I see similar sayings have been mentioned. Judy Golding used it as the title of a book about her father.
I had a friend who told me her mother had told her she would save her dad before her in any accident. Looking back I put her anti social behaviour down to that knowledge!

I feel responsible for my dcs - an obligation that never ends. Dh I’m with because he’s my soul mate - he completes me. I find all the talk of dying and killing for people a bit weird and extreme - no idea why you all feel the need to test yourselves hypothetically to develop a love hierarchy. Do the people who do this have the same expectations of their own parents? I find it all a little unsettling.

And why tell your kids you love them or their dad more…there is nothing healthy about ranking your nearest and dearest!

Oh without a doubt. I hate even thinking about it, but if I lost any of my DC I really don't know how I would carry on, but devastating as it would be, I would get through it if it was my DP.
I love and adore him, but it's different.

Not expect, but it was there.

My mother died when I was little. When my dad went into a care home, I had to sort his house and found the letters she wrote to him for after she was gone.

Telling him how lucky he was to have me, talking about how he still had me, who he loved more than anything. Saying how he would cope after she died just as she would if he was dying, for me, I was the most important thing.

They loved each other very much but it was very clear in those letters that they loved me more than they loved each other (and clear that my dad had no fucking clue, there were instructions on how to make scrambled eggs and how long to boil veg 😄)

I would jump in front of a bus for DH and DC.

My love for both is unconditional. I see the DC as extensions of each of us. My DC would not exist were it not for the relationship I have with their Father.

I can't fathom a love for another adult unrelated to you that wouldn't change if you found out they had for example sexually abused your kids, raped women, made child abuse videos etc for example
Should this ^ behaviour occur in one of your DC surely your emotions for that DC would be similarly affected as it would were it your spouse?

@LeeMucklowesCurtains oh my days, did you know about the letters? Heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time!

No, I didn’t.

I had the one she wrote to me, but I found the ones she wrote to my dad in his special briefcase.

I cried buckets that day.

And also laughed a lot at the way she obviously thought he was complete inept at everything going by her instructions!

@LeeMucklowesCurtains I bet they have made you feel so much closer to her after losing her at such a young age, a little window into their relationship ❤️

When a parent stands by a child who's committed the very worst kind of crimes a human can commit, I completely understand it.

When a person stands by a spouse who has committed those same kinds of depraved crimes, I can't understand it.

Romantic love being conditional is a good thing imo.

1000000%
They're my everything!

It did. Also caused great sadness though as there are things in them I would love to talk to my dad about. Dementia is a bastard though, he wouldn’t have a clue.

In ITALIAN they have two ways of expressing love. One for family and one romantic. Ti amo is the romantic I love you, but you wouldn't say this to your child.

Yes! If our lives were at risk and I had the option to save dc or my husband, I would save dc no hesitation. I hope my husband would too save dc over me.

I can get another husband/partner but I cannot replace my dc. I do not believe in soul mates- there being only one person for us and would definitely meet someone else if my husband passed away/left etc.

Yes this is how I feel. I would take a bullet for DC but not DH. As Ryan Reynolds said in that famous interview clip, love DH but as soon as DC came along, would use DH as a human shield to protect DC if needed

It's a different love - my instinct to protect DC is overwhelming. I think DH would honestly agree too. Let's just hope we are never on a hostage situation

@LeeMucklowesCurtains ah that is sad. Yes, dementia is a complete and utter bastard, going through it with my godfather (who has effectively always been like a real dad to me), it's heartbreaking.

I think it's easy to say you'd save one family member over another but in all honesty, I wouldn't know. Not because I love one more than the other but because in a life-and-death situation, you're likely to be panicking and not thinking clearly so it's impossible to say what you'd do.

In some ways I love dh more because of the shared history and the companionship we provide each other; in other ways I love my dc more because of that parent/child bond and the intrinsic need to look after and protect them.

Immeasurably more. DH I couldn't really care less

@AffIt Spot on. And what @Simonjt added also.....a very subtle point.

I despair at how many people get this quote wrong. Completely wrong.

Do any of you tell your children this. I remember as a small child my mum saying to me quite aggressively “you know I love you more than your dad don’t you?” It’s not anything I’d ever say to a child!

I love them differently. I love my children fiercely but it's like nature intended it that way so I have no choice. But I choose to love my husband because he's such a lovely guy. And he's unselfish in his love whereas my children are quite selfish and sort of takers where love is concerned. I know they love me and would help me etc, (I do have lovely children) but it's dependant on their lives. That's understandable and probably how I used to be. But my husband and I are a team and we always care about each other. Which is not to say he doesn't make me 🤬 from time to time.

As loads of pp have said, it's a different form of love, an elemental form. I don't think love is necessarily quantifiable.