Do you love DC more than your DP/DH?

[Tredhl]

My mum always said she couldn’t chose between us and my dad. So I just wondered!

Loved DH (their father, not other DH) more. They were very small when he died and I’d have traded one to have him back in a heartbeat; the toddler felt the same about me and said so. Of course, It was us against the world after that and I love them dearly.
I did prioritise their needs above his of course, because adults can use their own resources and tiny children cannot.

It’s a strange one as in one sense it a really answer - yes but equally it doesn’t have the same ramifications as any other scenario. E.g if my DH loved someone else more than me and prioritised them over me I might find that difficult (if other family I would try and accept it though, anyone else would be a deal breaker) but with his kids (my dsc) if he didn’t love them/prioritise them more than me, I would find that very difficult and unattractive.

No. It’s hard to quantify but I’d say I love the same amount but in totally different ways.

With DD it’s very instinctive, almost animal. I feel like I could easily claw someone’s face off to protect her. As others have said, I would love her unconditionally no matter who she was or what she did.

With my DH it’s not unconditional, but that choice is part of what makes it special. We chose each other and he knows who I am in a way my children won’t (and shouldn’t). Our relationship is what made this family and will be what is left when our kids go off into the world.

Definitely my children, if my husband kept me awake every night and pulled some of the stunts my son has pulled over the years I would have very quickly fallen out of love with him.

I wouldn’t say I loved either more, speaking to a colleague who described when her mother made roast chicken - she would give her husband the best piece, the kids the next best bits and her mother got whatever was left - often not very much. I wouldn’t stand for this - we all get the same in our house - no one deserves second best/the scraps!

Definitely DC before DH but if I am being entirely honest I think my dog might come top of the list! 😁

tbh if I felt my mum loved the dog more than me, I probably wouldn’t be too quick to return her texts either

My MIL does this. It’s not a dh/dc thing though, it’s a “men get the best pickings” thing. So FIL and Dh get served first and best followed by everyone else.

It drives dh mad an he cuts up the huge chicken breast she puts on his plate and divides it in half between the children. Doesn’t go down well.

That's heartbreaking

Was there warmth and affection when they were younger? When did it change, do you think? If they were mine, I would be fighting to restore the connection with them by any means possible. Mine are nearly 18 and 20 and we still have warmth and teasing and affection, though obviously less physical contact than when they were little. I don't think it's usual to feel that you're getting nothing back in teens and early 20s.

Good for your DH standing up for his daughters and showing them they are not second best. All dads should do this, but sadly a lot don’t.

I think it changed in the teens, they don’t want cuddles and kisses at that age !

I hope so 😢

Absolutely I love my DCs more.

Definitely husband. I think the 'volume' of love is very similar, but husband has the edge. Then add into the equation that he is my life partner, my other half. My children, I hope, will be in my life until I die, but they will not share everything with me in the same way as my husband. I want them to live their own lives. The closeness between husband and wife in a loving marriage is another level.

I have had a stillbirth (which though horrific I appreciate is not the same as the death of a child who you have lived with and whose character you know), and whilst it was phenomenally painful, it did make me realise how enormous my love for my husband is.

I actually think that a couple who love each other primarily and greatest can provide a really good, secure "base" for children to grow up in. If I put myself in my child's shoes, I think I would like the security of knowing that my parents' love for each other was that strong. I don't think it's a negative thing. It doesn't make me a slave to my husband, or him to me. Obviously if my husband did things which were negatively affecting the children, I won't blindly agree with him. We'd sort it out. But that wouldn't make me love him less.

I think my love for both husband and child is unconditional. I will love them both until I die, and nothing either could do will change that. They could do things which would make me want to stop living with them (husband or adult children), or make me hate their actions, but the love would remain. The only difference therefore between the two is the partnership aspect, which makes me much closer to my husband than I can ever be to my children.

I’m definitely going against the majority here but I love my DH more than our children. I really, really love my (adult) children but it’s nothing like the love I have for DH.

Your children are the only people who you will ever love unconditionally. That is (or should) be the case for all parents.

I love them in different ways and for different reasons.

I can't fathom a love for another adult unrelated to you that wouldn't change if you found out they had for example sexually abused your kids, raped women, made child abuse videos etc for example.

Surely there is a line for everyone that would mean your love for a partner would change or be extinguished?

I'm not being snarky here by the way, I find it interesting as I really can't get my head around it.

Yup. I am very glad he doesn’t stand for it.

Nor does our eldest. She tried to start it with him too when he was 16 and was a man in her eyes.
He just says, “grandma, that’s a little unfair, I can wait, thank you”.

She just tuts a lot.

Yes absolutely, no question!

Of course!!! When your young and in love (and soppy) many would say 'I'd die for him'........ When you have children you'd kill for them, do anything to keep them safe, no love could ever come near..... for me anyway🤷

Exactly this.

Of course- fucking weird if not. Without my children I would die, love my husband but if he left tomorrow I’d survive and move on.

DH can’t swim and when on the ferry I’ve had hypothetical thoughts about who I’d save if it sank - and it’s the DC without a doubt (ignoring the fact I couldn’t hold DH up in the water for too long). Which DC is a more difficult question, luckily DC1 is a reasonable swimmer!

id never tell any of them that though. Well I did warn DH he’d better keep an eye on the lifeboats! Same as when the DC ask who’s my favourite I say “whoever is being least annoying at the time”.

There’s a saying along the lines of - there’s no child so lonely as the child of parents who are madly in love. My DM used to say it about our next door neighbours- the nicest old couple ever, still in love with each other, but they’d somehow produced horrible children.

Ironically, you are using this aphorism in completely the wrong context.

The original early Germanic etymology translates in full as “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”, meaning that a bond made with someone that you’ve shed blood with - in battle, for example - is stronger than that of a familial relationship.