What do you think when you see one of a couple drive more than the other? Do you judge?

[DrivingMrsW]

For example, when we go long distance journeys, it’s always dh who drives.
I’m not the most confident of drivers tbh and he isn’t the most patient of passengers, so it kinda works if he does the long distance stuff and I do the driving locally.

Our friends take turns with each other to drive long distance, and I can hear the ‘oh, Mr W is driving AGAIN’ comments.

They have seen me drive to and fro from social events (local, obviously)so not like I’m leaving dh to do it all 100%.

I literally couldn’t bring myself to have an opinion

So you’ve decided that they think you’re lazy even though they haven’t actually said that or anything remotely like that? I’d be very surprised that they care at all about who does the driving in your relationship.

I do all the driving because DH is very nervous and consequently his driving skills are quite poor. He’s not remotely lazy though. If anyone actually commented, I’d probably laugh and agree with them. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What tosh - who cares.
Also I don't understand all the my car/his car comments. We have a car each. If DH needs the big car; he uses mine - we drive each others as much as our own.

The only his/her rule we have is on the periphique; I drive, he directs. We alternate on long drives.

I’d love to have someone to drive on long distance journeys because I dread them although I find local driving quite relaxing.

I’d say it’s fine as long as it isn’t like me and my ex where he would drive too fast, become irritated because I was so scared, occasionally stop the car and yell “You drive then!”, and then proceed to pick fault with my driving.

I don't drive. And I don't really get why anyone would judge who drives the most. That's an odd one.

No, I wouldn't judge at all! But I am the same as you - not a confident driver. I think men drive more in most couples, from my experience of people I know. My husband is happy to have it that way though. I always offer to drive, even though I prefer not to, but he always says no, I prefer to.

Who cares what anyone else thinks?

Dangerous nonsense (which undermines the entire point of most of Mumsnet).

I don't think I'd even notice tbh. I think they're a bit weird to keep track

I wouldn't think anything and I certainly wouldn't comment on how my friends choose to get somewhere.

I'm a very confident driver abs will drive anything to anywhere and not give it a second thought, however, EXDH did most driving when we were together mainly as we took his bigger car and he hated my driving despite the fact he was the one that revered into a bin and damaged a work car

DH has a van and I have a car, so more often than not if we're going out, then I will drive. On really long journeys we might swap halfway there, but I don't like the way he drives my car, so I'd rather do it!

I doubt I would notice.

My df always drove without fair if both parents were going. Part of that was probably dm's choice as he was a rotten back seat driver. But also dm drove most of the time during the week and he took his bike round, so probably it averaged out the driving.

I almost always drive with dh. He's not desperately keen on driving and generally better at navigating. So it suits us better. I also use the "preserving my energy for driving" excuse to get out of packing or unpacking the car, so he doesn't get off lightly.

If I think anything at all it's probably 'It works for them.' My dad drove far more than my mum did because he liked driving more than she did. My best friend drives far more often than her DP does, I've no idea why but neither seems fussed by it so that's up to them.

We generally do his car/ her car because we have a significant height difference. DH chose his car for boot capacity and fuel efficiency for long journeys. I chose mine for the biggest boot capacity that I could get with a comfortable driving position for a short person which is surprisingly restricted for bigger cars. It's not quite as big which makes a difference when the full scale camping gear comes out, but big enough for things like 3 people going on Scout camp. I drive lower milage so fuel economy was less important a consideration. Different cars suit us and we favour our own car.

We can and do drive each other's on occasion but it's a PITA constantly adjusting seats, and I get cramp from floor pivoted accelerators after more than half an hour, so we tend to go with his/ hers most of the time.

DH tends to do default family driving. Sometimes I will if he's not in the mood. I'm confident and happy to drive any type of road/ long distance if necessary, but he tends to do it in his car out of habit (work milage) and extra capacity. We're happy and both capable of driving the other. The DCs experience plenty of me driving distance in the holidays if we head off for a couple of nights. It works for us.

I've got friends where the travel sick person is default driver, friends that mix and match more, friends where there is a driver/ non-driver combo (that's the only one where I hear complaints)

DH doesn't like my driving so he does most of it even though it's my car and I love driving! He does get travel sick as a passenger.

Quite nice to relax and have a drink when the mood takes me! We alternate drivers if the other is celebrating eg his birthday or his friends party.

I don't really notice or care who does most of the driving in other couples

I think some of the issue is rooted in mysogyny. Certainly MIL didn't learn to drive because FIL.told her if the crashed the car and killed herself and the children he wouldn't cope. A lot of it went on 50 years ago.

I learnt to drive aged 17; dh at about 31 because I refused to have a baby until he could drive. I am more confident than him because I have 14 years more driving experience It didn't stop him buying a ridiculous, wanly car when he turned 50 though. He has no issue with me driving it I am marginally less frightened of it than him

I don’t notice this at all tbh.

However, when talking to my (female) friends I do sometimes ask if they are still driving (we are late 40/ early 50s) and I’m noticing that more and more of the women are driving less and leaving it to their partners. I really don’t want this to happen to me. My mum is driving less and less, MIL stopped entirely before she was 60, and it makes them totally dependent on their spouse. My parents live in the sticks: if my mum stops driving that’s it, she’s stuck and totally dependent on my dad.

the travel sick person is default driver

that’s us: DH gets bored when I drive as he can’t do anything other than state out the window, where I can read, go on my phone etc. But I make sure that I keep driving : I can see why people (mostly women) lose confidence then stop.

DP drives when we are together because I drive hundreds of miles a week solo and I get sick of it. He drives a lot less than me. Just because one party isn't driving doesn't mean anything. If we go on very long journeys we always split it.

Thank you for your replies 💐

Okay, to answer as much as I can, we have two cars for work purposes, but we use mine more as we can get the camping gear in, so it’s not a ‘my car, I’m the big man’, . It’s more of his frustration with how I drive, yes I’m either heavy footed or too light footed ha. He’d never let me stop driving, and I don’t intend to 🙂 🚙, it’s just short journeys and that’s it.

We are happy in other aspects of our lives, he does his share of the housework, cooking, he does the ironing (he LOVES it, weirdo 😁, so there’s a bonus), and I mow the lawn every now and then.

Our friends don’t ask me directly why I don’t drive, its more to dh, you driving AGAIN?
Like I say, the wives of our friends take turns and fine if that’s what they want to do, it’s the snippy mentionitis.

Now I know it’s not THAT important whether I drive long distance or not.
I work for the NHS so the pandemic hasn’t passed me by without me noticing, plus the war in Ukraine 🇺🇦.

I thought I’d ask, after all that’s what Mumsnet is for, for both simple and complicated
advice/questions.

So it seems like our friends are weird and judgmental then. I’m glad other couples have their own driving preferences, at least I know it’s not just me/us, and I feel better knowing that at least.

Next time, I’ll say this:
What a weird thing to have an issue with. It doesn't affect you in any way
Thanks to the poster who mentioned that x

Our friends don’t ask me directly why I don’t drive, its more to dh, you driving AGAIN?

I’d leave him to say something then.

DP doesn't drive so it's always me, I can't imagine anyone cares really.

When we got together I had a car and OH didn't so I did almost all the driving. We still only have one car, although we both contributed to this one (still in my name though). Over time we realised that he enjoys driving more than I do, so when we're together he usually drives now - we will swop partway through a long journey or if he's feeling tired etc. But I drive to work and he doesn't, so it's not that I never drive.

If you want to know my secret thoughts ... Wouldn't say anything, I don't think, but I would think it was a bit pathetic, or old fashioned. It's my grandparents era, the 'man does the long drive' thing. I have a few (mostly but not all female) acquaintances who are a bit pathetic about - motorway driving - night driving - journeys with roundabouts - journeys with right hand turns. They are a bit limp lettuce in other aspects of life as well, so acquaintances not friends. I'm not really into that kind of thing. Each to their own though, every relationship has its own weird dynamics.