What do you think when you see one of a couple drive more than the other? Do you judge?

[DrivingMrsW]

For example, when we go long distance journeys, it’s always dh who drives.
I’m not the most confident of drivers tbh and he isn’t the most patient of passengers, so it kinda works if he does the long distance stuff and I do the driving locally.

Our friends take turns with each other to drive long distance, and I can hear the ‘oh, Mr W is driving AGAIN’ comments.

They have seen me drive to and fro from social events (local, obviously)so not like I’m leaving dh to do it all 100%.

I can't imagine even noticing, tbh.

I drive if we're going somewhere local as we live rurally (lots of narrow, windy roads) and I get car-sick as a passenger. But if we're driving long-distance, then it tends to be DH.

My husband always drives when we are together unless he wants to drink.
It's a control thing with him and a battle I don't feel is worth fighting. I'm quite happy to sleep, read and be snack lady when we go long distance.

DH does most of our longer drives. Round town it varies. He prefers to drive and I don't mind being driven.

I don't expect anyone else to think anything about this set up.

I would judge him for being an impatient driver. Ideally you should share longer journeys, so you don't get downgraded as equal owner of car.

As in, you get less input in car related choices because it's 'his' car.

However I've been sole driver in the family, so can't really speak!

As a potentially impatient passenger (because it's rare), I have to actively switch off my inner critic when a friend drives. It can be done. He doesn't need to be impatient and critical as a passenger.

We're the same as you. I find driving stressful so prefer not to on motorways or very busy routes. I do when needed or if DH wants to drink, as I'm not too bothered about drinking at events. No-one has ever commented, apart from PIL who seem horrified if I drive to their house (motorway journey) because they believe the man should 🙄

I do think it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy when this is the dynamic. He undermines your driving which decreases your confidence so you step back more to let him drive.

This happened in my own relationship. I invested a huge amount of time, effort and money learning to drive and by the time of our divorce I was practically incapable of driving and felt so ashamed about it.

A year after he left I bought my own car, taxed and insured it and forced myself to drive. It's one of the things I'm most proud of.

It obviously bothers you in some way OP or you wouldn't have started a thread about it. Does it make you feel like you're not living to your full potential?

I cannot imagine anyone caring enough about this to comment, your friends need to get a life. DH pretty much only drives if I’m not in the car as I get really travel sick so I do all the driving and he is in charge of keeping the kids happy. It has literally never occurred to me what anyone else may or may not think about it.

Just ignore them, tell them you like being chauffeured about.

dh drives more if we are going long distances, I’m not a fan of driving roads I don’t know, I like familiarity. So it makes it easier for us if dh drives.

Well if people want to judge in my family they’ll bloody get told. I’m the driver. I was lucky enough that my parents absolutely insisted I learn 30 years ago, and paid for it (all of life was a bit cheaper and easier back then). It was a skill I didn’t use for 20 years, but now with a family of my own and living in this benighted country with shit 3rd world infrastructure and shittier attitudes towards it, I find it’s one of my more useful ones.

It is not my dh’s fault that he grew up in a single-parent family in food poverty that could not afford such things.

DH does pretty much all our driving, he does not like being the passenger. I take over very occasionally. My sis on the other hand does the vast majority of their long drives for the same reason tho, she hates being the passenger!

So true. Try not to worry what others think.

We’re both confident drivers, we both think we are better drivers than the other but we agree that I’m the better passenger. I drive for work, whereas DH catches the train so tbh I’m grateful not to drive. Plus I use the passenger time to crochet and arse about on MN - DH is driving as I post this

I don’t drive (I can, but I absolutely hate it and it makes me very stressed) so my partner does all of the driving. He doesn’t especially enjoy it either so I am very grateful to him, but he doesn’t feel the same way about it as I do.

People do comment on it. I give varyingly polite answers depending on how much I like the person and how genuinely well meaning I think they are. It’s really not anyone else’s business, but then that applies to lots of things that people feel the need to comment on 🙄

I do 99.5% of the driving, as my OH only very recently passed his test and, if I'm being honest, I don't really trust him to do long-distance motorway driving with me in the car yet (he can practice by himself).

I've held a licence for more than 25 years, I have an HGV licence and have driven commercially and, frankly, am the better, more confident and more experienced driver.

I'm also a terrible passenger.

I don’t judge individual couples, who knows what their reasons are, and everyone is free to make their own choice.

But in general, in society, I do see driving as a patriarchal issue, and critique that.

Men in charge of the big machine, men criticising women’s driving, men feeling ‘passive’ as passengers and not liking being driven by women.

Men very often conflate their car / driving with aspects of masculinity so I have a feminist response to men not wanting to be passengers when women drive, for example (all other factors being equal, I.e no specific reason she couldn’t be driving)

How are women ever supposed to gain confidence / get used to long drives / motorway drives / tricky drives over mountain passes etc?

DH doesn’t drive so I have just got on with it. Follow the rules of the road, use what you were taught in lessons, use your experience as you go along.

I get the bus and train when I can.
Mist people with cars din't want the added hassle of that nir the cost as they already pay for the convenience of having a car. I don't blame them.
So no I don't worry about any judgement.

I do judge in some cases - usually when it is men not wanting to be driven by women. For example, my neighbour usually walks to the station for his daily commute but if he is running late his wife sometimes gives him a lift - or rather she doesn't. He drives them both to the station, then gets out and she drives herself home. That just seems weird to me. She's a perfectly good driver and it's less than five minutes.

I think on the whole it makes sense for the more competent and confident driver to do any tricky driving but I have known many women my age (60s) and older who have never become confident drivers because they do nothing more than short local trips. It's a bit of vicious circle, as I hate being driven by someone who isn't competent and confident.

Unequal splits barely register with me, but I’ve never seen a relationship where the woman drives and man refuses to get a licence, which doesn’t entail the bloke being a manchild who refuses to take responsibility in his life generally. Illness/disability excepted of course.

I think women as a statistic are likelier to be nervous drivers, and men are likelier to assume they are the default driver. My DH was like that when we met, but I dealt with it by simply sitting in the driving seat when we were going places. Especially when the kids were little - the driver got to relax and focus just on driving, whereas the passenger was the default one who had to sort out all the moaning / needs from the back... so I wasn't going to let him get away with not taking a turn.

I wouldn't even notice this. I think it's a a strange thing to focus on. I'm a single parent so do 100% of the driving but have no thoughts on what other couples do. It epistle register who had driven not would I remember who had done so the last time.

You need to get some new friends. Do they comment on who is cooking or who is putting out the bins also. Weird

This is why I drive too! Far more stressful being the passenger when you have you have young children in the back bickering/asking for snacks etc. No way I’m letting DH get away with driving all the time.

Why would anyone care? It's like someone commenting that DH always takes the bins out... In my experience most couples have tasks or chores or things which tend to fall to one or the other. As long as you are both happy with your own arrangement then it's nobody else's business.

I nearly always drive when we go out as a family as DH tends to get stressed driving and I don't, and I'm happy to drive. If we go out in the evening he tends to drive home as he doesn't really drink so it lets me have a couple of glasses. Whatever works for you is fine. The only issue would be if one of you wished the other one drive more etc.

Back when I was married, I didn't drive, and some of my ex's friends judged me for it ( self important twats).
Funny, they never seemed to pass comment when I did all the cooking or cleaning

I happy let DH drive as he is an annoying passenger. Not in a belittling way, he just gets restless on long journeys.

I can drive. I've driven across Europe, I drive 200 mile trips regularly. I'm happy being designated driver for events. My only issue is my sense of direction but thats what the Satnav is for. For camping, DH is more likely to drive as he's better with the trailer than me, but I have driven it.

I think everyone gets into habits. It can depend on insurance too... DH and FIL sometimes swap cars, but MIL and I aren't on the insurance fr the other car so then the men have to drive.