Teenage parents

[woolypollie]

I saw a post on here slating teenage parents...
NEARLY EVERYONE ON HERE WAS SLATING TEENAGE PARENTS!!
I'm saddened by this!
I was a teenage mum... I was naive and I was blackmailed into having sex that young. it was my first and I became pregnant. I had my first child when I was 14! It was a disgrace to my family. And I knew it would've been a disgrace to the world. And even though I had "options" I decided that I would keep the baby. That baby is now in his 20s... he has a career. He is healthy etc. I had another child later on in life (20's) and that child had ASD and adhd... he is so special and so loving.
What I'm trying to get here is that why slate such young mums??? It doesn't make them have bad children??? I have never been on the doll. I have always worked. I am a teacher now. And if it was t for my children then this may have not been the case! What I do is for them. Not for me. Stop slating young parents because most young parents are the most loving and most energetic people you could come across... if I was to have a baby now - I don't think I would have the most energy as I did 20 years ago. I'm not saying I would ever want my children to have children young!! Far from it.. but if they did then I would be by their side every once of the way because the world still seems so cruel to a certain age!

@Lesperance I really have though, if you're not a young parent you're not going to notice it. I click on any thread I see that I can relate to so see it a lot.

I can't blame anyone for being offended, it's not nice to feel insulted even if it's not directed at you personally. A lot of us heard these things from our families that 'life is over/you're a failure/disgrace/or worse'.

I think if anyone is going to slate the women, they better come for the men first. And anyone who has a less than idyllic life... renters, those who don't have a career that's up to scratch, divorcees...

I thnk you've got the wrong site honestly.

I've never seen teen mums slated on here. If somebody comes on saying they want a baby at 18 then they get loads of great advice tending towards wait.

It's acknowledged that it's really hard. That it's difficult as a teenager to have all the resources available to mums who are older.

But nobody says teen mums are rubbish or automatically bad parents. That's not true. Okay maybe people say it - but I've never seen it go unchallenged on here.

You taking comments personally foes not mean they were an attack.

I would be furious if one of my daughters became pregnant as a teen.
I would absolutly hope she would abort.

Nobody wants their child to put themselves in a position where they make their lives harder and cause hardship for the family.

This is a very strange thread. I’m wondering how the OP completed GCSEs, A levels, an undergraduate degree and a PGCE whilst never needing childcare?!
I had my DC when I was early to mid thirties and didn’t find that I was a selfish mother?! I think I was very lucky that I had finished my education, got a good job and was financially secure with a lovely DH.

I taught teenage parents for years (before the funding was removed for my job) without exception they all said if they had their time again they wouldn't have had their children so young. Some were great at parenting but sacrificed so much to do so. Some struggled for many reasons and not all were able to parent well enough to prevent their children from being placed in foster care, which is clearly heartbreaking.

Quite!

This is a very strange thread. I’m wondering how the OP completed GCSEs, A levels, an undergraduate degree and a PGCE whilst never needing childcare?!

I may have missed it but I can’t see where OP said she never needed childcare?

Kids having kids is not good

@Onwards22

She had a namechange fail, but said this

Didn't need childcare... at that age you look after your children and don't need childcare!

@AskingforaBaskin

I haven't taken anything here personally, but some of the comments I've seen have been exceptionally mean on this site. Had I read that at 16 it would've made very depressing reading.

You personally saying you wouldn't want that for you daughter is fine, me neither. Saying others should, or making blanket statements that they'll never amount to anything is definitely offensive- let's not pretend otherwise.

As I say, I'm past that age, I don't have anything to be insecure about. Still rude and unnecessary, usually.

Often not from a place of concern when people criticise, but anger that they've been 'sensible' and waited, and it hasn't happened for them, or has been difficult. Or that an irresponsible teen mother has gotten to the same position as them (i.e. it's not fairrrrr, they should be punished).

Everyone knows it's not great to have a child that young, even us who've been there, we're not stupid. Those who like to rub it in and make outdated statements are purely spiteful.

My Mum had me at 17 and it was hard. I had a difficult upbringing. She tried her best and raised me with love but we didn’t have a pot to piss in. I remember her going without meals often just so she could afford to feed me. I remember the emergency electric running out constantly and it being freezing cold. She only had one friend as everyone else was out getting drunk and living their teenage lives and the novelty of having a friend with a baby wore off fast.

When I was older she went to uni, met my stepdad and had my siblings when I was 13 & 14. They had a good upbringing, wanted for nothing. Very different to mine. I don’t resent them and I am glad they never had to have the worries I had when I was younger. My Mum is a good Mum, she has always loved and cared for me. My upbringing made me value things a lot more but it certainly isn’t one I would want to give my child.

My mum was a teen mum (not to me, to my older sister).
She also had my youngest brother when I was twelve. Because I was a very involved older sister (aka free babysitter) I was often out and about with a young baby in my early teens. And jeez people act so fucking scummy towards teen mums (or those they think are teen mums). Parents at the playground looking at me like I was a bad smell, refusing to move so I could get past with the buggy, pointing and whispering or just pretending I wasn’t there.

I always griped that I wanted a T-shirt that said “this is my BROTHER” but honestly it wouldn’t matter if he had been my kid, grown men and women acting like that to a teen is fucking gross.

I feel as though a lot of posters are deliberately misunderstanding the original post.

She is saying it’s not cool to shame and deride teenage parents, and that many are making a fine fist of raising their children which is no mean feat given the odds stacked against them.

whatever our aspirations for our children or our feelings about children raising children, we should, as adults, try to be supportive of young parents. Their lives are difficult enough without having to contend with the negative judgment of those on a parenting forum.

The reasons that children have children are varied and complex, many have deeply traumatic backgrounds and long for someone to love.

Maybe we could be a little kinder rather than shaming young people already doing it tough.

You sound like a teenager the way you’re getting on OP. I’m amazed you claim to be are a teacher to be honest

What sort of teacher are you?

I didn’t mean to offend you. You clearly have very strong emotions on this.

what I simply saying is arguing teen parents are better than older parents is silly.

if course people shouldn’t look down on teen mums, there is absolutely no justification for this behaviour. However, the counter extreme argument that all teen mums go on to have high flying career and that they and their children have no educational or social disadvantage is simply not borne out in the statistics.

we as a society need to do more to help teen parents - but this generational sniding and blankets statements about younger or older mums is just nonsense.

I hope you have a good bank holiday weekend

Wow, I really hope you're just lying about being a teacher. Would be appalled to have someone with that language and grammar teach my child.

I always remember a conversation I had in work with a fellow teenage mum, she had gotten married and had another baby in her thirties as well as the previous one she was a teen mum for. I knew her as we had our dc at the same age and used to use the same playgroup as me and we would meet up to go to the park.

She said one of the best things about being a teen mum is you don't overthink you just do. Now she's in her thirties the weight of the responsibility not to fuck her kid up was huge. Also she said about parent and baby groups and how supee judgy and bitchy they all were. Was a lot easier when we were all teen mums doing our best and still meeting our own needs. Because when you're a teenager you are inherently more selfish. My friend had to worry about wooden toys not plastic toys, being judged for disposable nappies and not co sleeping when her new baby was a baby. We also couldn't spoil our dc as we literally did not have the money. My friend says there's a big difference between her two, one had to walk, catch the bus and couldn't get a comic or a toy everytime they popped in the shop, the other one has never had to wait for a bus in the rain or been told no as when you have more money you obviously want to spend it on your dc. We've got bets to see which kid will turn out the most successful (in a lighthearted way obvs).

I do think helicoptering parenting is an older parents trait and is really unhelpful to the child. Promoting independence installs self confidence.

But like I also said before, there doesn't need to be a divide. We can all just accept that we're doing our best for our dc, even if it looks different to what you think is best, it's ok. The main main main thing dc need is engaged parents. As long as you chat to your dc and know whats going on in their lives and have some semblance of structure and routine your dc will be fine.

@Mellowyellow222

Not at all! No criticism aimed at you just the general minder I take issue with. And I completely understand your point that it's not helpful to promise everyone can be successful having a child young, but criticism will never be the answer, especially when it's already happened.

Happy bank holiday in return :-)

Where did you go at 14 with your baby? Did you take them to work with you? I commend you for raising your child well and don't doubt that you are a great mum but I do think that the majority of very young parents require extensive support to allow them to be great parents by completing education, working and building a foundation for their kids which they might not have been able to do when the kids are first born due to their age

We had our DS at 23, we both have professional careers in state registered professions.

I find even now we are judged for having him young, it's the side handed comments such as you don't look old enough to have a 8 year old. When we first had him, even the NHS who we work for judged us assuming we would be claiming benefits and referring us to a young parent midwife.

Looking back we were too young we didn't have the life experience to raise a child and be an adult in an adult world. Do we regret having him, never in a million years but if we were immature at 23 I can only imagine how out of their depth a teenager feels.

@Grumpybutfunny That's a shame. I had my first DC at the Socially Approved age of 31, but I think if you meet the right partner at a younger age & are emotionally & practically ready, then go for it. Maturity or financial stability really don't tie in automatically with calendar age unfortunately.

In find it hard to believe that you are a teacher based on your literacy.

@DragonOverTheMoon absolutely brilliant really hit the nail on the head,

I don’t anyone would suggest being a teen parent is ideal, I’ve definitely made sacrifices and wonder what if sometimes but at the same time some of my more single childless friends are hitting a certain age and are fretting and I think you have as many insecurities as I do , just different.

Also hothouse parenting and being inflexible to a child’s needs is generally more of an older parents trait whereas younger parents are just less practical sometimes, but the tiredness hits you harder in your thirties definitely.

Did the op come back after her name change or has she gone to find the three wise men?

op, I don’t care how old you were when you had children but don’t lie about being a teacher or how you managed to support yourself with no help from anyone apart from god and his little donkey. The lying is what makes you look stupid not your age. (No I’m not in my 60’s before you start barking).