Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Horrible text sent to child

145 replies

purpleme12 · 30/04/2022 09:40

My child had an argument with her friend on Friday at school. They rub each other up the wrong way as well as being friends I think. From what I can gather it's a bit one and a bit the other.

However then she WhatsApped this friend from my phone (this friend has her own phone) saying sorry this friend wrote back saying no!
I hate you.

She burst into tears.i took phone off her at this point as I didn't want any more upset.

Friend sent another
Text saying you're mean you make me feel bad.
But then a voice note which seems the most offensive saying
You said nobody ever wanted to be my friend so I hate you you said I'm a rudie so I hate you and no one will ever want to be your friend after I tell them this. (In quite a nasty voice)

This argument apparently started after she interrupted my child so she told her it's rude. I'm not saying my child is innocent in these interactions with her friend like I say I think it's a bit of one and a bit of the other with this friend
Obviously I won't be allowing messaging anymore but would you do anything about the text?

They're 8

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 30/04/2022 11:50

Jeez. This is why my kids didn’t get phones until just before starting secondary school. They’re not allowed any social media either. Just stop allowing your kids access to this stuff. If somebody wants to talk to them they send an email or come to the door. We didn’t have any of this nonsense in my day because if you wanted to slag someone off you had to physically do it to their face.

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2022 11:50

MistyFuckingQuigley · 30/04/2022 09:45

Yeah 8 is too young for mobile phones. But anyway, when my daughter was given nasty letters by her so called friend I involved the school and the friend got an absolute bollocking and was made to apologise. You have the proof of the bullying, use it.

It seems that the op’s Dd is the bully in these circumstances.

runnerblade95 · 30/04/2022 11:53

AskingforaBaskin · 30/04/2022 11:47

This update is useless I couldn't copy and paste it. But in the OP the voice note apparently states the OPs child said you said XYZ. I can't copy it and can't remember it long enough to type.

Seriously hope nobody is paying premium for this shit 🤣

Show quote history

Lol okay fair enough 😂

I cba to go back and read but I trust that you wouldn’t just state that without it having been said by the OP so, fair play 😊

And no, I do not pay premium for this shit, I have enough bills to pay with the current inflation situation 😅

Original poster
purpleme12 · 30/04/2022 11:53

I think I'll stop relying now
The last few posts above have already been covered and aren't helpful.

Thank you to the people who've given helpful and sensible replies here

OP posts:
cakewench · 30/04/2022 11:55

I'm glad you'll be stopping the WhatsApp access, I think that's important. I work with children in this age group and they aren't ready for it. It's so much easier for them to recover after a disagreement if they have an evening away from it, or whatever, rather than obsessing over the words in black and white all night/weekend.

I hope it works out OP, I'm sure it will Flowers

LucyLocketLostThePlot · 30/04/2022 11:57

Just take the phone away.

runnerblade95 · 30/04/2022 11:57

purpleme12 · 30/04/2022 11:53

I think I'll stop relying now
The last few posts above have already been covered and aren't helpful.

Thank you to the people who've given helpful and sensible replies here

OP, I am on your side here. Whilst I do not agree with allowing your child to have access to your phone, I do NOT agree with the nasty and threatening voice notes that the other child sent. Hence why I suggested speaking with the parents and making it very clear that should it continue, that you WILL be contacting the police and reporting the PARENTS for harassment on behalf of their child.

Please don’t be disheartened. You are always going to receive mixed replies on MN. It’s up to you to ignore the unhelpful ones and take heed of the advice given by the helpful ones.

Wishing you the best of luck 💐

runnerblade95 · 30/04/2022 11:58

It's so much easier for them to recover after a disagreement if they have an evening away from it, or whatever, rather than obsessing over the words in black and white all night/weekend.

I completely and wholeheartedly agree with this.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 30/04/2022 11:59

@cakewench thank you.

@runnerblade95 thank you sorry my post about unhelpful posts wasn't aimed at you!

OP posts:
runnerblade95 · 30/04/2022 12:03

thank you sorry my post about unhelpful posts wasn't aimed at you!

Oh I know, not to worry! 💐

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/04/2022 12:17

You have the proof of the bullying, use it.

Sounds like the OP's child started it to be honest.

It's not bullying, it's just a spat.

Just leave it. If the other girl sends another message, just remind her that it is YOUR phone, not your DD's.

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2022 12:20

runnerblade95 · 30/04/2022 11:42

What did OP’s child say to the other child that caused her to hate her and call her out? Maybe I missed that part, the thread is moving too quickly for me to keep up 😅

Show quote history

Op’s Dd made this girl feel bad and told her that she was rude and no one wanted to be her friend and had been mean, selfish and disrespectful towards her.

Rather than thinking that the other child is in the wrong because you have seen the replies. And 6 of one half a dozen of the other is just excusing the dds behaviour. Only people who say this is those who start these type of arguments

If I was to guess the Dd wanted to text this girl this morning because she knew she had started the issues in school yesterday which led to them both being punished and wanted to reel this girl back into her orbit.

This girl sounds like she has snapped and won’t put up with a lame apology from the daughter any more.

I wouldn’t bank on the other mother being her usual nice self. She has had to deal with the fall out from yesterday and if her daughter is still enraged now then it has been a very long night and I doubt she is in any mood to brush things away

FluffyDogMother · 30/04/2022 12:21

AnybodyAnywhere · 30/04/2022 10:20

When we were children we had fall outs all the time and nasty things were said…but they were face to face, not recorded, usually no parent involved and were forgotten the next day.
Children say things to each other that seem horribly cruel to us as adults but to them they’re just spur of the moment lashing out.
Give it a little time and they’ll sort it out.

This is important to keep in mind.

With social media it's hard for some people to step back and give them themselves a break when emotions are running high. Kids are particularly vulnerable to this.

Sometimes a cool down period is all that is needed giving both parties a chance to reflect on what happened and their part in it.

scotscorner · 30/04/2022 12:22

Wow OP, can’t believe how many people are overreacting to this…you’ve been sensible: you didn’t give your child a phone, you’ve had words with her, you’ve prevented it from escalating by keeping the messages from her, and you’re thinking about how to communicate effectively with child 2’s parents.

I agree it’s ‘normal’ (not same as ‘acceptable’) for children to be mean this way, and it doesn’t mean a child is ‘cruel’ or ‘bullying’ necessarily.

I do personally think you should tell the other child’s mum that she’s misusing the phone this way - it could get her into real trouble at some point when her words are recorded that way. Good to do it the way you’ve suggested which is acknowledging that both children have behaved badly so she hopefully doesn’t get defensive.

BeautifulDragon · 30/04/2022 12:23

I think it sounds like normal 8yo fallings out, made worse with mobile phones.

I would message the other parent with something like.

'I hear the girls have fallen out today at school. It's been dealt with by the teacher & I've spoken to DD. But I just want to let you know that your DD is has been sending voice notes that aren't very nice.'

And leave it there.

FrankLeeSpeaking · 30/04/2022 12:36

I'd stop her using WhatsApp. It's age rated 16 for a reason.
If you know this other girls mum, I'd show her the messages, make her aware of it all- if she's not already- and say you are dealing with your daughter and have removed access from the phone so she won't be messaging her daughter.

me4real · 30/04/2022 12:37

You said nobody ever wanted to be my friend

So your DD was really nasty, too.

starfishmummy · 30/04/2022 12:38

Itsbackagain · 30/04/2022 09:47

Sounds like your child is the instigator in all this if shes calling the other names and telling her noone likes her. Maybe have a word with your child about the effects of being horrible have on other people.

I agree.

Tbh it sounds like fairly typical kids behaviour apart from the fact it's via message and not being shouted in the playground.

MarshaBradyo · 30/04/2022 12:39

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/04/2022 12:17

You have the proof of the bullying, use it.

Sounds like the OP's child started it to be honest.

It's not bullying, it's just a spat.

Just leave it. If the other girl sends another message, just remind her that it is YOUR phone, not your DD's.

Agree with this

They so young and WhatsApp has an age limit because it’s not meant for them

netto · 30/04/2022 12:43

@purpleme12
I'm sorry you have had such unnecessary criticism on here when you came for advice.

To all those piling in with 'shouldn't have phones' etc fgs read the OP and OP's further posts.

What on earth happened to "Be kind"?

CrashBandicootOnSanityBeach · 30/04/2022 12:47

Thesearmsofmine · 30/04/2022 09:43

I think you have learnt why 8 year olds shouldn’t have access to WhatsApp.

I agree with this. Why the hell is an EIGHT year old on whatsapp FGS @purpleme12 ??? Shouldn't even have a smartphone at that age.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 30/04/2022 13:03

netto · 30/04/2022 12:43

@purpleme12
I'm sorry you have had such unnecessary criticism on here when you came for advice.

To all those piling in with 'shouldn't have phones' etc fgs read the OP and OP's further posts.

What on earth happened to "Be kind"?

Thank you

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 30/04/2022 13:06

Eight year olds can be very blunt and unfortunately being able to access phones can lead to the drama and fighting to continue rather than a break from one another to leave it to settle. Children this age are not able think far enough ahead, which is why you’ve been sensible to not give your dd permanent use of a phone. My dd had one with a payg when she was away for a few nights at 8 but she didn’t have access to use it regularly with friends or have WA installed. She’d get the occasional text from grandparents for example, which was exciting.

Personally, this would be something I would talk to the girl’s mum about. The whys and wherefores of who started what are immaterial because this has blown up and needs to be stopped. You’ve spoken to your dd about being kind to her friend. The mum now needs to speak to her dd to reign herself in as interacting in this way is not healthy. Dd used to get some fierce voice messages from children in year 7 as that isn’t an easy age to have phones either. I very occasionally got involved back then. She’s year 9 now and everyone is definitely able to communicate with more care and compassion.

AmyDudley · 30/04/2022 13:12

It sounds like a fairly typical falling out of 8 year olds. But witht he advent of technology spats between friends get immortalised in texts and voicemails, so the harsh words can be revisited over and over and gain more power than they would have if they were simply a nasty remark shouted in the heat of the moment.
As you say there will have been mean things said on both sides, and in all likelihood they will make up and be friends again. Learning how to move on from quarrels and renegotiate friendships is all part of growing up and very important socially.

What would I do - I would remove access phone from my DD (as you have done), I would point out to her that it is better to walk away from a quarrel before you say anything you might regret later (which I think you have also done) I would also contatc the other Mum, tell her what has happened, reiterate that you think it is just a girls squabble but also point out that her DD has sent texts and voicemails and she needs to have it explained that this is never a good thing because it can get her into trouble. I'd also suggest that your DD would like to be friends again (if this is the case and maybe suggest a trip to the park or a movie or something over the holiday). The problem is in days gone by squabbles disappeared into the ether, people said things and then they were forgotten and moved past. But if you write it down or record it it is there for ever, Eight year olds don;t understand this (my DS teaches teens - and they don;t understand it either, they are always having to get the police in to give talks on the dangers of immortalising stuff on your phone and sending innapropriate stuff, they just don't get it they haven;t got the developmental capacity, so 8yr olds have no chance).

At this age you can't get over involved, you have to let them work it out themselves because that is how they learn, but you can give guidance and suggestions about how to handle yourself in an argument and how to try to see things from the other person's point of view.

runnerblade95 · 30/04/2022 13:13

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Sounds like the OP's child started it to be honest.

Does it?

This argument apparently started after she interrupted my child so she told her it's rude

So OP’s child interrupted her and the other child responded by saying it’s rude. It is rude to interrupt someone but hardly the crime of the century.

However then she WhatsApped this friend from my phone (this friend has her own phone) saying sorry this friend wrote back saying no!
I hate you.

OP’s child then apologised for upsetting the other child by interrupting her and then proceeded to say that NO she does NOT accept her apology and that she HATES her.🤨

OP’s child apologised for interrupting her.

I would argue that the other child’s response is what “started it” 🙄