Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

[AliceBeazley]

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

Because they’re not just there to be summoned by you OP, they have a duty to check on your child and make sure they’re cared for and well. Given the number of small children who are abused in plain sight but ‘slip through the authority’s nets’, I am all for it. You need to get over yourself a bit (sorry if that sounds harsh).

Denying visits is not unusual. Mothers go back to work! They can't be hanging around the house waiting for a HV to turn up. I remember being contacted when ds was small and they said can we come between 9 and 5 on x day and I said no because I am at work. Never heard from them again. If a HV thinks it's suspicious there must be other stuff going on which there presumably wouldn't be with the OP as she has an older healthy child.

You need to lose the attitude that you know best hmm I'm not sure about this. Parents very often do know best. The trick is learning when to stand your ground and when to listen, that is a lifetime's work.

@Xenia

They ahve huge power. It is best just to smile and accept the visits - there are not very many of those visits as they have limited resources. I remember our last - the twins were 4 and about to got to orivate school and she checked that and I thought that was fine. I tihnk I and their nanny was present and that was fine too. She was very nice. Even in well off homes like ours there can be children hurt or neglected so a check is a good idea.

(I just watched on Discovery + a new programme about the US Turpin family - no one checked and they were home schooled)

Home school teams don't do regular checks in this country though

Given the number of small children who are abused in plain sight but ‘slip through the authority’s nets’, I am all for it

that's not because the visits don't happen, it's because the "professionals" concerned do nothing about their concerns, or don't report them to the right people, or when they do, they get ignored.

@AliceBeazley if I was a HV then I would have safeguarding concerns if a mother kept cancelling appointments and refusing to see HV. I would wonder what you were hiding. The HV turned up to make sure that you and baby were okay. As most PP have said - too many abused and neglected dc fall between the cracks.

YABVU. You are also incredibly rude.

I really don't get such shitty attitudes towards health visitors, would you treat midwifes or nurses in the same way?

I've never told a nurse or midwife that I was suicidal, and had the response "call back in a few days once the phase has passed".

I hung up the phone (after taking a long time to build up the nerve to call in the first place) thinking I'd be dead in a few days.

I have very little time for their "help" but thankfully it looks like they might not get in touch for my second child - due in a few weeks.

So better HV training is required, not doing away with the visits?

Whilst you think everything is ok and may be a perfect parent, they know that it isn't always the case. Those who are abusing or neglecting their children decline appointments too - they will always take a cautionary approach. Can you imagine the press reports of a family persistently cancelled appointments and it turns out the children weren't ok?

Hv's are for the child's welfare not just an inconvenience

How to examine for bruises/ harm etc whilst holding my baby like a doll

What a lowlife fucking bitch! 😡 I would have loved to have left a bruise on her! How DARE she barge in look for bruises so obviously.

As if I weren't already convinced what useless, exploitive and insulting programme this is. The money saved from this rubbish could really help out the NHS.

You really come across unpleasantly OP. You clearly think you are better than the HV, shown from language such as ‘scuttling off’, as if she is some sort of beetle you are authoritatively shooing off your property.
And HV are trained nurses who have undergone additional training to be HV. Your reading of books aimed at parents really can’t match what they know.

and what everyone else said.

Where do you live that you have multiple visits from a health visitor? It's one handover meeting and that's it here. If you go to the clinic you see an assistant and they don't seem that fussed if you come or not. Children with child protection concerns are prioritised and will get a named HV

HV services are optional and declining them on its own isn't sufficient to warrant a referral to children's services

The thing with baby P and others is that we're actual signs of abuse and all the safeguarding teams who already had these children on their radar did nothing to protect them.
These cases are not justification for people to put up with intrusive and often rude hv. Or to be flagged as a potential problem if they decline being made to feel like a criminal or judged in their own house!

If safeguarding only started when "a concern has been raised", there'd be a lot more children suffering abuse neglect.

I've seen some fantastic work done by HVs, where they have recognised that a mother is experiencing DA or that an older child was being abused, where they have played a key role in getting a family out of terrible housing or a situation where they were experiencing harrassment.

And frequent cancellation of appointments is, in itself, a cause for concern, because families that aren't coping will often try to hide the fact. What seems intrusive to the OP may well be the very same thing that saves a child or helps a woman to escape DA.

My the way I had no support 23 years ago, they didn't visit back then you had to go to the clinic, something that's hard for many - they wouldn't have brought in home visits if it wasn't needed

Exactly. I imagine refusing HV visits is a red flag. I honestly don’t understand why anyone would do it.

Which is why guidance changed. How much 'hurt' is enough to raise an issue?

Something in how OP communicated with the surgery and HV set off as alarm bell and the HV made a visit. That really isn't being judged or assumed to be dangerous, criminal etc. That's a HV taking a few minutes to reassure herself that all is at it seems. As per her job and duty of care to the baby not the parent. Though also to OP as the mother, just in case. Rail against it all you like, but it is going to happen to some perfectly ordiary and capable people in order to protect th kids who might go unseen.

Some of the responses here are eye opening, shocking!

As many PPs have said, it's an opp for the service to check in with you. Surely it's not that time consuming?!

YAB massively U. Health visitors are safeguarding children as much as checking in on the mothers welfare. If everyone could just cancel social welfare visits imagine the number of babies and young kids that would suffer abuse at the hands of their parents.

If a visit like this saves one child then its worth pissing you off. Sorry but you sound rude and superior. Youve read some books so know everything

Britain is a liberal democracy. We believe people are free, and that people are innocent until proven guilty.

Britain has not operated on whispers, allegations and suspicions in the manner of totalitarian states.

Britain is based on a system that respects individual choice.

Declining (not refusing) an unneeded HV appointment should not be interpreted.

People can go to a clinic or GP, that's the whole point of why they exist; unless a parent is disabled and asks for the service, there should be no HVs. It's disrespectful of parents, rude and intrusive. The 'programme' should be banned. Or at the very least made so that you have to opt IN to it of your own actions and free will. It should be opt in only. I would never allow any HV to my home, and if they harassed me like they did OP, (they clearly didn't get the message, did they?) I would be calling the police for harassment, thankfully my country doesn't allow such nonsense as these time waster HVs who seem from reading posts on this site, as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike and do nothing but demoralise and harass mothers.

Totally agree with this

Why would you assume that someone is hiding something sinister?

What sort of paranoid nanny state is this? HV are not mandatory, some are good, some are frankly useless and a waste of time.

Why should OP not be able to decide who she lets into her house and who she spends her time with? IF OP or her baby were not OK, then I'm sure she would have contacted someone.

The OP experience is so far from what mine has been.
First HV not bothering to reschedule an appointment to talk about PND
Second child - didn’t do any of the check ups (because of first baby experience) and no one ever checked.

im surprised that she came seeing the struggles they’ve all had with covid etc… tbh