Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

[AliceBeazley]

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

If you don’t look after your child adequately then it can be neglect and they can be taken away from you. Parents don’t just have carte blanche - they are expected to act in the best interests of the child. What’s the harm in a check-up? We all have rules we have to follow. I don’t get it.

What’s the harm in a check-up

Wasted resources and time, unnecessary intrusion

We all have rules we have to follow

Accepting HV services isn't a rule anyone has to follow

Wasted resources and time, unnecessary intrusion

None of those things do any harm. Better 100 “unnecessary intrusions” than one missed abused child.

Intrusion into what exactly? You can’t mistreat your pets or the RSPCA can prosecute you. Children are even more important. It’s right there are services that protect them. Nobody just lives in a bubble of their own.

I think making new mothers lives more difficult isn’t benign and characterising it as These visits can be annoying and time consuming but for your child's sake you can spare few hours in his life to do something you can't be arsed to is just weird. So many posters have explained WHY they found the input unhelpful, detrimental and pointless. It is ok to say “no”. If more people did we’d have less HV with lighter caseloads to help those that need it. Perhaps we could use the money to fund other areas with more result? I mean could you see the value of swapping two HV for a junior Dr? Or five for a paediatrician?

We would also have a culture whereby any child checks are seen as ‘interfering’ and ‘nanny state’ and the perfect excuse for lazy or neglectful parents to keep their situation under wraps. I’ve also seen plenty of ‘interfering paediatrician’ threads on here. Mn posters tend to be middle class and quite superior and averse to being ‘checked on’ because they feel it undermines them. It’s like the mums desperate to leave the postnatal wards as quickly as possible before decrying the lack of help in the first few days after giving birth. Make your minds up.

Nah I think most people are just doing their best.

And the ones that aren’t..? That’s the point here isn’t it.

So do you think we should have random check on people caring for the disabled, aged, or in other ways vulnerable? What about on all women as most are killed by partners? This doesn’t appear to be a good use if resources. Why can’t we see what they do and ho effectively they do it?

Children are not able to raise the alarm or access support in the way adults can. If the adult is unable to do this due to learning disability etc then absolutely yes. Shouldn’t we as a society check in on people whose entire life and care relies on another person, to make sure they’re not being abused?

In pretty sure the disabled and their careers have a lot of interaction with health professionals. Same with the elderly - elder abuse is also a thing to watch for.

I think making new mothers lives more difficult isn’t benign

My health visitors made my life infinitely easier. Their advice when I was really struggling, was invaluable. I was trying to be the perfect parent, and they gave me permission to dial it down and reassure me. I still remember those moments more than 30 years on.

I'm sorry that some people have had bad experiences. But my DD and her friends who've had lockdown babies, are finding it worrying that they haven't had HV visits, and the reassurance regarding their toddlers' development. There certainly seem to be some among those toddlers who have missed the chance of early intervention.

It seems that this thread has been dominated by those few who've had bad experiences, and those who are anti any kind of authority or state involvement. Which seems more like paranoia than logic, to me, and ignores the fact that many parents and children need that involvement. Not everyone is capable of recognising subtle signs of delay, and those who consider themselves super knowledgeable should recognise the fact that an HV can't tell from a name on a list, whether the visit is necessary or not. And their job is to follow up all those mums and babies, whatever their need or lack of it.

Agree 100%

HV can't tell from a name on a list, whether the visit is necessary or not. And their job is to follow up all those mums and babies, whatever their need or lack of it. if that IS their job then it ISN’T a voluntary service. And if it isn’t why not say so and justify why mothers and infants are not allowed to opt out of this semi-medical (because it’s council run and not part of the nhs) service.

Maybe they should! But I’m guessing posters like you wouldn’t be happy about it…

this is a ridiculous snide response to @NeverDropYourMooncup and the passive aggressive flowers at the end? Behave.

Behave? Are you going to put me on the naughty step then? Or set a HV on me?

I find it genuinely sad when people judge everyone else because they had unfortunate experiences and when they cannot see that not everybody else's experience is just as valid as theirs.

@Organictangerine I'm not sure if I would be happy or not, because as it is I can’t see what they are for, what there aim is, and if they are achieving it or it is something I think is good for us. I find it mind blowing that you would prefer to be ignorant of how your money is being spent and how it impacts others.😱

Just because you don’t know, it doesn’t mean everyone does.

when the HV visited me, they weighed my daughter, noticed her prolonged jaundice, arranged for blood samples to be taken and re-admitted her for UV treatment. They also gave helpful advice on weaning, attended meetings with my GP when I was experiencing postnatal MH problems, visited the house to check in on me and make sure I was coping…

so money well spent, in my view. From my perspective the only people who don’t find them useful either have an exceptionally crap one or are the i-know-everything-better types.

From my perspective the only people who don’t find them useful either have an exceptionally crap one or are the i-know-everything-better types

Or have something to hide. I was very grateful for my HV’s input when we had two A&E visits in short order with my account prone toddler. I know her visit after the second incident was for safeguarding.

EXACTLY this.

It's a safeguarding thing. They weren't to know the difference between happy and confident you, and a scared mother and child, hiding abuse. Good for the HV coming to see with her own eyes I say!!

Accident, ffs, not account!

So just say it’s a safeguarding meeting🤷🏻‍♀️

And then people like OP would throw her toys even harder. 🤷‍♀️

This reminds me of the HV in the 1990s telling me about a starving baby near to me because the mother was insisting on breast feeding then calling her out in the middle of the night when the baby wouldn't . They called it the "yummy mummy syndrome" then. Some mummies just know best.

Unfortunately some HVs know fuck all about breastfeeding and actively undermine it - sounds like this was one of those?