Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

[AliceBeazley]

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

Women have been mothers for centuries. Other women should support the sisterhood and trust that we know what we're doing. This HV nonsense is so Orwellian and so insulting.

The health visitor knocked on the door and then left without a fuss, let's cut down on the drama. Also OP should have opted out of the service rather than just cancelling appointments, whilst under the service service have a duty of care.

'Gaslighting' and 'Orwellian'. Good grief.

@Duckstuck She did opt out of the service. The HV ignored that, overrode that and attempted to bully their way in.

Also OP should have opted out of the service rather than just cancelling appointments, whilst under the service service have a duty of care. I wonder who could have told her that? She obviously thought she HAD “opted out” of the service.

Talking cat

That's a misunderstanding. The HV will keep trying to help until the user withdraws in writing (signed by both parents). Cancelling each appointment as it comes up is very much in but opting out on each individual occasion. A welfare check is understandable in those circumstances because the op didn't actually distance herself and ask to be taken off the books.

No she cancelled the appointment when it came through and didn't mention opting out of the service. If OP hadn't have assumed then it wouldn't have happened, quite surprising she didn't know as she seems to know better than everyone else. It's like if you home school but don't deregister from state school, you can be doing an amazing job but the school still has a duty of care so will follow up the child being absent even if you call in everyday and say ah teaching them at home today. If you deregister and completely opt out that won't happen.

wonder who could have told her that?

Yes. It's not exactly freely available information...

This doesn't not appear to have been made clear to OP. She genuinely thought she was done with them.

Almost as if she isn't all knowing as she thinks, eh?

This is very concerning that women are not made aware of their rights, and are made to feel they have no choice. One wonders why the HV 'service' hides this. Why? That this information is 'hidden' from them seems misogynistic. The whole service is misogynistic in my view. That they have to 'Opt Out' is absolutely wrong. It should be Opt IN service. Not the default that you have it whether you want to or not, and have to jump through hoops to Opt Out of something you'd never choose to do.

@Duckstuck Almost as if she isn't all knowing as she thinks, eh?

What's with the snide comment? Just because a woman can handle being a mother and doesn't need someone to check up on her and keep an eye on her doesn't mean the OP said she is all knowing. She simply knows how to mother as we have for thousands of years, and has a right to privacy and autonomy. Try supporting women instead of tearing them down.

That's a bit low.

Rules and procedures should have been explained, nothing to do with caring for her baby. If anything it shows how useless her HV was, for neglecting to explain it.

I’m really confused. In what way is my comment gaslighting? I’ve just said she’s lucky to be able to turn down a visit when in my town there are people who have been waiting months to even speak to a surgery!

@SewingMum46 Suggesting the OP is 'arrogant' and 'rude' just because she turned down an unwanted and unneeded service, JUST because others can't get into a surgery. That, is gaslighting.

Also, seeing an actual GP in a Doctors surgery is different from seeing some nurse visitor. Not even remotely the same.

@SewingMum46 It's akin to saying a woman is 'arrogant and rude' if she wants an abortion, when other women are struggling to get pregnant. It's that type of immature and nonsensical logic.

OP does come across as arrogant and rude, I don't think that means she should be made to feel as though she has to take the appointments, but it's true. OP phone up tomorrow and ask what steps you need to take to actually opt out. Problem solved.

With the unfortunate news stories at the moment, I can understand that they want to see a child from time to time, but no way should they turn up uninvited.
I took my DD to all her checks (in the clinic), took time off work for it etc. Then as time rolls on there aren't anymore. I came home one night to find a note through the door to say HV (new one I didn't know) had come to my house which I was really shocked about. They can't just turn up on your doorstep. I didn't really want to take more time off work (as by then they don't do anything anyway) so phoned back as requested explaining this, she was a bit shirty and then said she would go to my daughter's nursery. Why? What would the staff have thought? When I explained nursery was near my work, not my home she gave up and daughter was about to go to school anyway.

I’m the greatest believer in a woman’s autonomy over her body and her rights to privacy.

Saying someone is lucky to be able to turn down an appointment or shut the door in a HV’s face when others aren’t able to get to see a doctor is not gaslighting. Telling her that she should have seen the HV because other people can’t, might have been.

I’m on the side of the HV, who would have been following instructions and doing their job, they wouldn’t have just randomly turned up on the doorstep of the OP on a whim. Lots of people in this country are actually employed, as part of their job, to offer help to others whether they like it or not. They aren’t out to invade our privacy when the conditions of their employment require that they make unsolicited visits to our homes which can be just as uncomfortable for them as they might be for us. I understand the OP doesn’t feel that she needs any help with being a mother - but there are lots of women who do, and don’t know how to ask for help. Not the fault of the HV that her job requires her to make sure that all the women who fall under her care are OK. And not necessary for the OP to be unpleasant to someone who is doing their job.

I don't think she sounds remotely arrogant or rude. What she sounds like, is an assertive woman who thought she opted out of a service she didn't want, and is now being made to feel bad both by the service and the fellow women on this site.

It's interesting, isn't it, that any time a woman says no, she is seen as 'arrogant' and 'rude' and 'not lady like' or any of the other descriptions. Women cannot even be assertive. They must be submissive. No wonder so many women on this site have their self esteem so worn down that they feel they cannot leave abusive partners.

Parents denying health visitors are red flags to them, so I am not surprised they decided to turn up anyway.
These visits can be annoying and time consuming but for your child's sake you can spare few hours in his life to do something you can't be arsed to. Because in general, this is an amazing free service we have that benefits of not you, many people.

Part of doing your job is keeping on top of it. OP cancelled the appointment. Thus, the HV had no reason to go. It doesn't bode well that the HV isn't responsible to check messages. What is OP was in hospital, was out, had moved etc and the HV was too lazy and too irresponsible to do her job properly and pay attention to these details? All of this is the HVs fault. None at all, is the OP's fault, who had been clear and assertive all the way through, thinking she was doing the right thing.

I don’t know why some people are saying that the service is misogynistic and oppressive to women. Men are parents too. My ex took my eldest to the majority of appointments as I returned to work.
For all we know the OP may be male.

@DilyteGelyte And that there, is the worry. That an assertive woman with rights to privacy and autonomy raises 'red flags' for denying a supposedly optional service that she neither wants nor needs. She has the right to say NO. She shouldn't have to endure it just because 'it benefits other women'. Let those other women that benefit from it, benefit from it. And respect other women's choices, right to live their lives how they wish free of big brother and the misogyny of this service.

Oh lets no play silly. The vast majority of these HVs are for mothers, many whom breastfeed.

It is an inherently misogynistic service, because it is enforcing it on women who feel they have no choice but to accept their privacy invaded upon, because they are not (conveniently) told of their rights to say no.