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Original poster

Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

699 replies

AliceBeazley · 21/04/2022 22:42

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 24/04/2022 01:19

As declining a HV appointment is a typical ploy of an abuser, I for one am glad that the HV followed up. In the week when 3 sets of parents have been in court and found guilty of murdering their children, HV have to safeguard children. If the price of this is an annoyed mum, so be it. I'd rather HV were insistent on seeing children than worrying about a mum's annoyance. Well done to that HV.

5zeds · 24/04/2022 01:24

Are HV really council employees rather than employed by the NHS? I find that a bit shocking.

5zeds · 24/04/2022 01:25

As declining a HV appointment is a typical ploy of an abuser
Is this true? Where did you find this information?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
doorknobknock · 24/04/2022 01:49

Good for you. I think they sometimes need to be reminded that they do not have a right to automatic access to our homes and children. The fact that vulnerable children are not protected from abusive parents when health care professionals are already involved in the family, tells me everything i need to know about health visitors and other professionals involved in safe guarding.

NumberTheory · 24/04/2022 04:24

BossyFlossie76 · 23/04/2022 23:13

I’m afraid I do find your attitude/behaviour to be rude, and somewhat arrogant. It’s also throwing up lots of red flags and an uncomfortable feeling.

Children do need to be safeguarded, and refusing to engage with that isn’t helpful to anyone.

Whilst I agree, HV advice can border on the laughable- I am grateful that someone wants to check that my children are warm and fed.

Red flags for what?

The OP is an experienced mother who can comfortably enforce boundaries. How exactly is that a red flag?

CarryonCovid · 24/04/2022 04:45

RosesAndHellebores
Strange to be so invested in something that happened nearly 30 years ago.

Rememberallball · 24/04/2022 04:50

5zeds · 24/04/2022 01:24

Are HV really council employees rather than employed by the NHS? I find that a bit shocking.

Yes in some parts of the country they are - and it’s part of the roll out of this programme implemented in 2015

www.local.gov.uk/topics/social-care-health-and-integration/public-health/children-public-health-transfer

dollymuchymuchness · 24/04/2022 05:01

5zeds · 24/04/2022 01:19

It’s not good for you to carry so much anger. Have you had any counselling? IF you really are a HV I’d suggest you have a think and then discuss this comment with your supervisor.

Hilarious 😂

Countdownis35 · 24/04/2022 05:56

All this uncessary fuss OP. Honestly after this thread I hope it's given you clarity.

NumberTheory · 24/04/2022 06:37

Murdoch1949 · 24/04/2022 01:19

As declining a HV appointment is a typical ploy of an abuser, I for one am glad that the HV followed up. In the week when 3 sets of parents have been in court and found guilty of murdering their children, HV have to safeguard children. If the price of this is an annoyed mum, so be it. I'd rather HV were insistent on seeing children than worrying about a mum's annoyance. Well done to that HV.

I’ve only seen two reports of a parent found guilty of murder this week but both those children were known to social services. They weren’t cases of parents who managed to avoid anyone knowing the children were abused by turning down the optional Health Visitor service. More about the service being over stretched (which insisting on unwanted visitS to families where there is no indication of risk will not help).

SScoobiedoo · 24/04/2022 06:44

Oh, only two dead children this week, well that's alright then!

In fact it is 2 a week, give or take, always and has been for decades I believe.
It's terrible imv.

carefullycourageous · 24/04/2022 06:54

SScoobiedoo · 24/04/2022 06:44

Oh, only two dead children this week, well that's alright then!

In fact it is 2 a week, give or take, always and has been for decades I believe.
It's terrible imv.

I believe they were referring to the fact someone above cited three, and they saw two.

The point of the post was those children would not have been helped by the op having an unnecessary HV appointment. Those children were in the system, and needed a better-resourced social work system.

It is ok to discuss the system, but flippant comments like yours are distasteful when discussing such a serious issue, IMO.

Of course it is horrendous, and HV appts offered to everyone makes no difference. We need social work budgets x4 and more robust support across the board for women and families.

Look at what has happened to policing for example. They charge around half as many people as they did a decade ago.

No one thinks the deaths of children is acceptable, but you must be extremely silly to think the HV visit is the key to stopping it.

CarryonCovid · 24/04/2022 07:01

I can't give details as these things are highly confidential but as I said earlier I know a case (as in I was involved with the case review) where the health visitor almost certainly saved the baby's life by being persistant. Yes it's rare thank goodness, but health visiting serves a vital role in safeguarding often working hand in hand with children's services.

saraclara · 24/04/2022 07:23

I had no idea that there was so much hate for health visitors.

HoppingPavlova · 24/04/2022 07:40

No one thinks the deaths of children is acceptable, but you must be extremely silly to think the HV visit is the key to stopping it.

it’s not THE key, but it is one mechanism of many and even if it picks up one child/family that is not on ss’s radar then that’s okay. As I suggested earlier, no HV is absolutely fine but at what would have been each HV touch point there should be an at home welfare check for those who don’t want to engage HV services for whatever reason. Are these things invasive? Yes. But better a few points of inconvenience in the hope a few at-risk kids and families may be picked up.

SScoobiedoo · 24/04/2022 07:43

@carefullycourageous Of course it is horrendous, and HV appts offered to everyone makes no difference.

So are you saying no health visits or only to some ?? Because the OP was articulate and probably well off they don't get HV visits. So is it just the poor? scruffy? what would be your criteria?
The best solution would be a good mental health service and support service to deal with the huge numbers of drug and alcohol addicted.

BadNomad · 24/04/2022 07:50

Instead of compulsory checks to make sure people aren't abusing their children, why not investigate women/parents as soon as they become pregnant to decide if they can have or keep their babies. Or even better, go the whole hog and not allow pregnancy at all until the state says you're safe! That would save a few at-risk kids too.

Musicalmaestro · 24/04/2022 08:04

BadNomad
Thats not such a terrible idea if you think of how much work adoptive parents have to do to prove they are suitable parents.
Even someone adopting a dog has more screening than a person having a baby.

dollymuchymuchness · 24/04/2022 08:15

NumberTheory · 24/04/2022 06:37

I’ve only seen two reports of a parent found guilty of murder this week but both those children were known to social services. They weren’t cases of parents who managed to avoid anyone knowing the children were abused by turning down the optional Health Visitor service. More about the service being over stretched (which insisting on unwanted visitS to families where there is no indication of risk will not help).

Show quote history

How can you say “no indication of risk” ? Have you inside knowledge?

BadNomad · 24/04/2022 08:18

Musicalmaestro · 24/04/2022 08:04

BadNomad
Thats not such a terrible idea if you think of how much work adoptive parents have to do to prove they are suitable parents.
Even someone adopting a dog has more screening than a person having a baby.

Behave. Women have fought for years to have autonomy over their lives and their bodies. You don't take that away just because a few are shit human beings.

5zeds · 24/04/2022 08:21

Or even better, go the whole hog and not allow pregnancy at all until the state says you're safe! this is basically what used to happen if you wanted ivf treatment. No idea if it’s the same now.

aurynne · 24/04/2022 08:27

LilacPoppy · 21/04/2022 23:15

That’s incredibly rude, and the default should not be that every mother is a risk to their child. HV are an optional service.

Unfortunately HVs do not read minds so yes, the default MUST be that every family has the potential to abuse their child. Otherwise children would be injured and die. I also work with mums and newborn babies and believe me, you wouldn't be able to guess which families are abusive.

AmberMcAmber · 24/04/2022 08:39

I practically begged my HVs to come out and see my son (first child) because they haven’t seen him since he was 6weeks & I have a few minor ‘concerns’ - nothing in & of itself worrying but the kind of thing someone is bound to say.. ‘why did you do X when you noticed?’ Etc

instead of a visit they just tell me I can submit a questionnaire they’ve already told me is useless and they can put it on file - no visit no weigh in etc

bearing in mind he’s a lockdown baby he’s not had much contact with other babies or me with any face to face services so there could be all sorts we’dmiissed (luckily like you in pro active but there are so many who may not be)

while it’s annoying, it’s only her time wasted and if you had changed your mind & she spotted something for you guys (either a lovely positive or something to work on) you’d be grateful

SewingMum46 · 24/04/2022 08:40

OP, I’m sad to say that although you sound well educated and probably a great mother, you have also come across as being a bit arrogant and rude. There are 20 pages of the majority of people telling you that YABU. I feel sad for the HV who was just doing their job. I live in a town that had an amazing surgery which was given to a big healthcare company to manage about five years ago, and we’ve gone from being able to literally walk in at 8.30 and wait to see a nurse and be seen usually within an hour, to spending hours on the phone waiting to speak to someone and barely ever being able to see a doctor or nurse. Lucky you, being able to actually turn down someone who is there to help you and your children.

TalkingCat · 24/04/2022 09:02

SewingMum46 · 24/04/2022 08:40

OP, I’m sad to say that although you sound well educated and probably a great mother, you have also come across as being a bit arrogant and rude. There are 20 pages of the majority of people telling you that YABU. I feel sad for the HV who was just doing their job. I live in a town that had an amazing surgery which was given to a big healthcare company to manage about five years ago, and we’ve gone from being able to literally walk in at 8.30 and wait to see a nurse and be seen usually within an hour, to spending hours on the phone waiting to speak to someone and barely ever being able to see a doctor or nurse. Lucky you, being able to actually turn down someone who is there to help you and your children.

What is with the gaslighting of women on here? So because some people can't get an appointment then that means a woman should be grateful her autonomy as a mother and her rights are violated? What sort of backward nonsense is this? Neither have anything to do with the other! Parents and adults have a right to privacy. Many women including myself, would not feel comfortable having a stranger insinuate themselves into my home, my private space. We shouldn't have something forced upon us and made to feel guilty. For many mothers, it is not a service that is needed or wanted. And we shouldn't be made to feel guilty for exercising our rights to autonomy and privacy. We don't need it. We don't want it. We say.....NO! The gaslighting of women like this by some posters is absolutely disgraceful, @SewingMum46 .